Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final President of the United States.

Thank you. First, let

me say I was shocked and appalled by the news of yesterday's shooting.

Today, we must come together and abandon hateful rhetoric on all sides.

From the marauding Mexican rapist to the New Jersey Muslim still celebrating 9

-11. From the enemies of the American people at the New York Times to the

and the losers at the Washington Post.

From the tens on the five to the threes on the view.

Everyone.

Unity is not just a tremendously talented stripper at scores.

Unity is also a concept I've been told I'm supposed to care about.

Do you have any words that could calm an anxious nation?

Yeah. Run for your lives!

We're under siege!

There's an army of liberal zealots operating under direct orders from

Shakespeare and Kathy Griffin.

Sir, do you honestly believe that?

That's what they said on Fox News, so that's what I'm going with.

Sir, can you comment on reports that the special counsel is investigating you

for obstruction of justice?

I would never obstruct justice.

She's an even more talented stripper than you.

And she's blind.

And we all know that.

We all know justice is blind.

But Robert Mueller is currently heading up... Do you clowns have any questions

about the real news from yesterday?

Like, I don't know, maybe it was my birthday, guys?

And that's why tonight's theme is party.

We're going to have a huge party in front of the entire country.

As I always say, party before country.

And as the great Julius Caesar says... Pizza, pizza.

I'm the president. Can you believe it? Let's roll.

Welcome to the show.

We've got a great one for you tonight.

Later, I'll be talking to Egyptian comedian and author Bassem Youssef. He's

terrorist. I mean, a satirist. I don't know. It's the same thing.

With me, as always, is my own personal Jesus, Mike Pence.

Hello.

happy to be here, sir. And why don't you introduce the rest of our guests?

Oh, yeah, right. These guys.

Behind me is my cabinet.

Some incredibly honest guys who aren't afraid to tell me exactly what I want to

hear. Isn't that right?

Oh, yes, sir.

Never officially asked

me to obstruct justice.

Wow.

Wow. That was so spontaneous.

Now get the hell out of here, everyone, okay? I got a show to do.

Whew, thank gosh.

No, not you, Mike. You're stuck with me forever.

Right. Sit down, Mike. I always keep forgetting about that.

You know, sir, actually, I'm glad that I'm staying because it is time for your

daily briefing. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

I used to hate briefings, but Mike made it into a game show just for me that we

call Prez Your Luck.

All right, let's play.

Big story, big story, big story, big story, big story. The intensity on

the left is very real, whether it is somebody holding up a so -called

holding up the president's head in blood, or it's right here in New York

play that shows the president being assassinated, or it's Democratic

national politicians who are so angry they have to use vulgarity.

Absolutely. Liberals are way too vulgar. Right -wing media is all about nice,

clean stuff, like how Sandy Hook is a hulk.

The DNC murders their own staffers. And Hillary Clinton owns a restaurant where

you can have pizza sex with children.

It's news you can use, sir. Let's do another one. Mike, I love this. Good,

Big story, big story, big story, big story, big story, big story.

Oh, God.

I hate Comey. I hate Comey so much. You gotta Comey, sir. I'm so sorry. But you

know what? Let's do another one. Fine, fine. I want to press my luck.

No Comeys, no Comeys, no Comeys, no Comeys, no Comeys.

Oh, here, this is a good one. Dennis Rodman went to North Korea to hang with

Jong -un, and he brought a copy of your book, The Art of the Deal.

Look at that. Wow.

When it comes to diplomacy, Rodman really dunked a home run.

See? I'm a regular blue -collar guy.

Salt of the earth, sir. Let's do another one. Okay, no comies, no comies, no

comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no

comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no

comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no

comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no

comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no

comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no comies, no

comies, no comies, no comies, no

comies, no

comies, no

Let's just play the game, and I bet you'll get a good one next time. I think

we're lucky that Scalise was there because this

was his security detail.

Without them, it would have been a massacre. There would have been no

this guy.

And we were like sitting ducks. We had no place to run.

So terrible.

Not just the shooting.

Also that a year ago, Rand Paul tweeted this quote.

Why do we have a second amendment? It's not to shoot deer. It's to shoot at the

government when it becomes tyrannical.

Another random senseless attack by an old tweet.

Sir, I think we need common sense protection from old tweets.

Background checks at a minimum. I mean, the only way to protect from a bad guy

with an old tweet is a good guy with a new tweet.

Get back! Jack, because I'm doing it again.

No, come on.

I'm so mad at that dumb. Call me. I'm going to fire Robert Mueller. No, no,

no, no, no, no, sir. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Because you know what, sir? You won. You.

Yes, you won the briefing.

I won.

Awesome. I'm the best at winning my briefing. Yes, sir. So what do I get?

Well, I'll tell you, sir. You've won an all -expense -paid weekend at your

choice of Trump brand resort and hotel.

You'll be whisked away in your own private airplane and be pampered to your

heart's content in one of your beautiful spas. You'll loudly discuss sensitive

policy matters over chocolate cake. And don't worry, the tab will be paid for

entirely by American taxpayers.

Yeah, yay!

That's what I win every week. We'll be right back.

Wow!

Oh, thank you, sir. Well, in order to celebrate the president's birthday, I

him back to where it all began, to his roots.

In a segment we're calling Roots. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, in a segment we

are not calling Roots. We're calling it Donnie Goes Home.

It's a beautiful neighborhood.

This is where Donald Trump was born. Okay, I don't need my own biography,

There it is.

This is it, Mike. Great. I was born here and I lived here until I was four years

old. So many memories here.

The most important memory being when I moved out of here.

So after my dad made a ton more money evicting minorities from their

which was always a thrill, we moved from the hole I lived in to this piss hole

over here.

Okay? And every night I'd come home and I'd go, Mom, where's my snack?

Where's my snack?

But she was supposed to make a snack for me. And she wouldn't. I'd open the

fridge and I'd dump something out of the fridge. I'd throw a bottle on the

floor. I'd go, clean it up.

That's what you're good for.

And there'd be glass all over her hands. She'd be crying.

So many great memories.

It's all changed.

This is not like the old neighborhood at all. Look at this. Hi, honey. I'm the

President of the United States.

I just want to say I won't deport you because you're so beautiful.

I'm going to give you a call later. No, my wife's in D .C. I know. Do you want

me to have a happy birthday or what? I do, but I also want you to have a happy

birthday. I want to have a happy birthday.

You're so beautiful.

We have a special friend that you might remember from your childhood days.

That's Paul.

Paul?

Donnie. Look at this guy. Holy crow. I haven't seen you in a dog's age.

Unbelievable. Wow. Well, you look terrible, I've got to say. Thank you.

good for me because I look great. You do look great. What happened to you? What

happened to you? I've had one marriage for 45 years. Terrible. Oh, my God.

I remember the school, the Jew Forest School. We had a lot of fun there,

we? Oh, boy, did we ever. Yeah, we played bumper chairs in Mrs. Smith's

And we'd pull on that ponytail. And we'd push them forward. They'd crash into

somebody in front.

It was so funny.

But remember, the bad news was getting DTs.

D .T.

Detention. And everyone said D .T. Donnie Trump. I'm Donnie Trump because

the king of D .T. You bet you were.

Didn't we used to eat oranges, raw oranges?

I would eat one and we would just chop right into it. Through the peel? Right

through the peel.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I thought I'd bring a souvenir orange.

Unbelievable.

Happy birthday to me.

Yeah.

That is disturbing.

Look at that. What's that, huh?

Check that out. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh, good

to see you.

This is worse. I hate this neighborhood.

This is really terrible.

What are we, off -roading?

There you go.

Ready?

Here we go.

Surprise!

You have your own whole booth here at the diner around the corner from where

grew up. It's a surprise party, sir. Mike, a surprise party is where you have

everybody here first, and then you bring me in.

Oh, I was going to do when everybody comes in, they're surprised to see you,

you say surprise, then you get to do it. That's the reverse of a surprise party.

Here's a gift I got for you.

That is my great -grandfather's Bible.

Oh, don't drop it.

No, don't drop it.

Bring on the cake, Mike. Bring on the cake. All right, sir.

Wow!

Happy birthday.

I said happy... I've been turning out how I wanted. Sorry, sir. Well, I know

you... Can you hear me, Mike? Can you hear me, Mike? Yes, of course I hear

Is there a mop?

Maybe a broom or something? You lick it up.

You want it on my birthday gift? Lick it up, Mike.

Lick it up.

I guess he was a liar.

My guest tonight was a political satirist in Egypt before he was run out

country. You can see his story in the new documentary, Tickling Giants,

available now on iTunes and Amazon.

Please welcome Bassem Yusuf, everybody.

Tough guy.

Yeah. It's a tough guy. It's a tough guy. Oh, mini hookahs.

Thank you. Yeah. Don't worry. The Russians gave me these drinks. Yeah. OK.

Now, you started out doing your show on YouTube in the Middle East. And by the

Middle East, I mean anything that's not Europe, America or the ocean.

Then you ended up having a TV show with 30 million viewers.

Why did they just arrest and kill you before the show?

They wanted to take their chances. And finally, I was persecuted by the

government. I had to shut down the show.

And I escaped. So basically, my nightmare is your wet dream. Oh, my God.

So true.

Now, which ruler of Egypt did you start doing your show under?

I did it under something called the Military Council. And then Morsi, who

representative of the Muslim Brotherhood, Islamist.

And then Abdel Fattah al -Sisi, who is a military guy. So we went back.

Sisi. Yeah, yeah, you met him.

I love Sisi. Oh, I know.

I love Al -Sisi. You know, when you met him for the first time in my life, we

see an American president who's being envious about his Egyptian counterpart.

Oh, absolutely. I know. I mean, you're looking at him. Oh, my God, you're

jailing all of these people. You're oppressing all of these people. You're

putting them in jail and you're shutting down media. How could you do that? I

know. You're giving me a job. I know.

Americans say, I'm an authoritarian.

But what's it like to live under a real authoritarian regime?

You want the details.

Yes, so I can make it more like that.

Well, just the last two weeks, our Egyptian president closed down more than

or 50 websites.

He's putting a lot of people in jail. Anybody who is speaking against the

government is being put in jail.

There is no real opposition.

The court's under his control. The media is bought by the military. I just got

gorgeous.

Gorgeous? Gorgeous.

Gorgeous. He's this guy in the Supreme Court. I totally got the court. Yes,

Gorgeous. Yes.

Now this, like everywhere.

Gorgeous everywhere? Everywhere, yes.

And here's the thing. Just like, imagine if you're waking up in the morning.

Okay. I'm naked. Yes. And I'm covered in crust. Exactly.

And you find your president giving away a piece of your land to another country.

This happened exactly in Egypt. What? Our Egyptian president woke up and he

our two islands that we fought for, thousands of people were killed for it

wars, and he gave it to another country. And anybody who objected and said these

countries are Egyptian were being called a traitor and being put to jail. Hold

on. This is what...

totalitarian regimes look like. I love it. That's brilliant. I know. So if you,

for example, you wake up and give Massachusetts, for example, to England.

It's been English the whole time. And anybody who says, oh, they're American,

you put them in jail. Totally. Then what's Pocahontas going to do?

What's she going to do then?

In Egypt, what is the complexity, the makeup of both religious and ethnic

that makes it both a diverse...

but also it's had a steadfast relationship with the United States for

even longer, maybe 100 years. What is the special relationship between Egypt

the United States? And by that, I mean, why do we prop up dictators?

Because for decades, American presidents just gave money to whoever dictators

who will give them either oil, security, or buy their weapons.

I mean, just the other day, you accused Qatar of being a terrorist nation.

I hate Qatar.

And then the next day, you sold them $12 billion in weapons. I love Qatar. I

know.

I hate them, but I love them. I mean, just the other day, you say, like, Islam

is in war with us, and then you went to Saudi Arabia, and you took their money.

Yeah. Amazing. Exactly. How do you do it? I'll tell you, by having absolutely

moral center whatsoever.

What's that?

That's really good.

Amazing.

I have one last question of you.

There are a lot of people satirizing me, Donald Trump.

Shouldn't we jail Alec Baldwin?

Thank you so much.

That's the music, everybody.

I

got

an incredible birthday gift yesterday.

A complete and total distraction from the implosion of my corrupt White House.

Happy birthday, Mr. President.

But you can't have a birthday without a party. And the only people I invited to

my party is my party.

And we all know what makes us special.

Isn't it rich?

Are we a pair?

Me here at last on the ground.

You in midair.

Where are the clowns?

Send in the clowns. Just when I stopped opening

doors.

Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours.

Making my entrance again with my usual flair.

Sure of my lines, no one is there.

Do you get it, guys?

The clowns of the Republican Party who back me no matter what.

I only say it because I didn't get it myself.

Isn't it rich?

Isn't it queer?

Losing my timing this late in my career.

And where are the clouds?

Quick! And in the clouds,

don't bother the deer.

Go, go, 25, 25, go, go.