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Ladies and gentlemen, the Secretary
General of NATO and the 45th and final
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President of the United States.
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Excuse me, excuse me, get out of my way.
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It's so great to be here in Belgium on
my six -day sold -out world tour.
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I'm officially the Aerosmith of
Presidents.
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And just like Aerosmith, my best days
are yet to come.
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Okay, you can talk now.
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So true, folks.
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So true. Mr. President, can the world
trust your leadership with all these
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investigations into your White House?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. That's a
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question, okay? I'm on vacation.
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Everywhere I've been, people have been
so nice to me.
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Saudi Arabia, Israel, and even the
Middle East.
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A tremendous journey.
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And that's our theme for tonight's show,
my journey.
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Why haven't you affirmed your commitment
to NATO common defense?
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Because NATO countries need to start
paying their bills. And believe me, as a
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guy who doesn't pay his bills, I find
that disgusting.
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This question is for the secretary.
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Speak
English. We're in America.
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Speak English.
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This is Belgium.
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There you go. Now that's more like it.
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Can somebody ask me something now?
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Mr. President, when you were in
Israel... I never said Israel. You said
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You just screwed that up. You said
Israel. I didn't say Israel.
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And because of you, everyone knows that
Israel has a mole in ISIS. So great job,
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moron.
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Look, as I said at the Holocaust Museum,
we must never forget that I was there.
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I'm the president.
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I cannot believe it. Let's roll.
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Welcome to the President's Show.
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Welcome to the President's Show.
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We're coming to you from the lovely
Belgian White House.
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Who knew they had an Oval Office exactly
like mine?
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Later, we'll be talking to conservative
commentator S .E. Cupp. And Mike Pence
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just flew in on the red -eye to be with
us. Stand up, Mike.
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Really?
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No, no, no. I'm not standing up. Stand
up, Mike. Sir, I am so tired.
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Stand up, Mike. You stand up.
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My gosh, I've been on a plane for the
last seven hours huffing a Dutchman's
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fart.
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Mike Pence, everyone. Sorry.
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Mike, Europe just gets me. Everyone's
treating me like a total hero.
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Right. Well, I see you've kept this...
Yeah, the round thing that the Saudis
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gave me. Yeah, yeah. Talk about a
successful trip. I ate a whole goat two
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in a row.
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Speak, oh muse.
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What the hell are you doing, Mike?
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An angry king overpowers lesser men.
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Even if that day his anger is
suppressed, resentment lingers in his
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one day he acts on it.
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That's my orb, Mike. Hands off!
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One hour in Europe and this guy thinks
he's a poet.
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I'm sorry, sir. I just am getting this
strange feeling that you're on a quest
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undergoing a series of trials to learn a
lesson and become a better man.
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Yeah, that's cool.
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Let me tell you, the girls here, no
bras.
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Nipple city.
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But they smell like cab drivers. I think
I like it.
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You're a married man, sir. Good one,
Mike.
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I've got so much unbelievable stuff on
this trip. I want to do a desk piece
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called Stuff I Got on My Trip.
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Look at this necklace I got in Saudi
Arabia from King Salmon. Oh, yeah. It's
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beautiful, sir.
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It's beautiful, but I do have to say,
you don't really need to wear it because
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you already look like a real Mr.
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T.
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You get it? Because your last name
starts with a T, and then there was the
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gentleman, Mr. T, who had the... Yeah, I
get it, Mike. Right. I get it.
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But I pity the fool who makes a Mr.
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T reference in 2017.
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Here, you'll like this one. This is
great. Check that out. Oh, the good
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Very good. My buddy Bibby bought me a
Bible.
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You know, Mike, I love this Bible. A
book about what happens when a bunch of
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desert nomads stop being polite and
start getting real.
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I really wish you would stop calling it
that, sir.
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It's actually God's message of love and
compassion.
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Great, I'll give it to Mick Mulvaney so
he has something to ignore when he's
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drafting my budget.
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And speaking of God stuff, check this
out.
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Wow, look at this.
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This is my gift from Pope Francis.
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Wow, that is a real... Yeah, right?
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Yeah, I've never seen a nicer... I don't
know what it is, Mike.
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I mean, is it an iPad stand?
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I don't know, a robot pizza?
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Liberace's biscuits?
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The token to play a giant game of skee
-ball?
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A severed attic of a doll's house? Oh,
yeah.
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That's what it is. What a gift.
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Here, Mike. You take it. Oh, boy. Cool.
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Liberace's discus. Nice.
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00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:07,620
Now, check this out.
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Here we go.
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Oh, yeah. I got this tight little number
from the Arabs.
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Oh.
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Wow. Cool sword. Have you named it, sir?
A hero always names his sword.
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Yeah. I'm calling it sex caliber.
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You get it, Mike? Yes. No, I do, sir. I
should point out that you have already
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named several things in the White House
sex calendar.
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Well, hold on, sir. Don't put it away.
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You're going to do the sword dance,
aren't you? No one wants to see that,
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Oh, I think they do.
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I think we want to see the sword dance.
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Good.
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You're a dexterous dancer, sir.
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Just fantastic.
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Mike, come on. Join me, Mike.
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Join me, Mike.
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When we come back, I'll name the top
five journalists I'd like to body slam.
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00:07:06,130 --> 00:07:07,910
I'm looking at you, Feynman.
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Abraham Lincoln was the father of the
Republican Party.
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But then, like most dads, one day he
said he was going out for cigarettes and
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never came back. And now you got me, the
stepfather of the Republican Party.
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Swaggering, dirty, shows up late, and I
rail your mom right in front of you.
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Welcome back to the show.
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I'm having such a great time on my trip
abroad, Mike. But I missed my TV time.
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Well, sir, I have a surprise for you.
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I don't have to be president anymore?
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No, no, that's not it. Is it James
Comey's head on a platter? No, it's much
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00:08:13,090 --> 00:08:15,830
better than that, sir. My TV, my TV.
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Oh, there it is. My TV.
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Thanks, Mike. I love it. That means it's
time for Screaming at the TV.
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Let's see what the press is saying about
my foreign adventures.
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Breaking news. The Washington Post
reporting at this hour that President
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asked two of the nation's top
intelligence officials to help him push
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against an FBI investigation into
possible coordination between his
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Russia.
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00:08:48,430 --> 00:08:49,430
What?
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Absolutely no coordination. My campaign
was completely uncoordinated.
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One day, Steve Bannon brought 50 donuts
to the office, and I also brought 50
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00:09:02,270 --> 00:09:05,170
donuts. We had such a great laugh.
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00:09:05,710 --> 00:09:09,310
Then Steve read from the protocols of
the elders of Zion.
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And we ate 100 donuts.
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00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:17,660
There's got to be something good about
me and all I've accomplished on this
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00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:21,840
trip. And the top Democrat on the House
Oversight Committee now says Michael
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Flynn lied to investigators who vetted
him for his 2016 security clearance
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renewal. Oh, my God.
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Can we please stop talking about all the
different people Mike Flynn lied to?
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It's going to be a lot easier to talk
about the people he didn't lie to.
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Mike? That is true.
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Let's see. Let's see who was there. Who
didn't he lie to? What about... He
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didn't lie. Didn't lie. Didn't lie.
Barbara. Remember Barbara? No, he lied
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00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:50,440
Barbara. He did lie to Barbara. He lied
to Barbara. There was... Inanimate
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objects. Go for inanimate objects. No, I
think he just... We lied to... No, he
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didn't. He lied to a bookshelf once.
Yeah.
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See? Much easier. That was short.
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Moving on.
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Oh, look. They're talking about my new
budget.
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This budget is a disaster. It's cruel.
It's heartless. He actually zeroes out
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all of our programs as it relates to the
Special Olympics for disabled children.
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He cuts meals on wheels.
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Not true.
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We're merging the Special Olympics and
meals on wheels.
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Old people will get to eat their dinner
off the lap of a wheelchair kid racing
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around a track. So everybody wins.
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You're a compassionate man. I am. Isn't
there someone out there defending me?
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I mean, he's the president of the United
States. If he wants to say that, Barack
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Obama wants to say whatever. If George
Bush says, I looked in his eyes. If he
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00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:47,330
took a dump on his desk, you would
defend him.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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Nice try, Anderson Cooper.
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Jeffrey Lord is a dump I took on my
desk.
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You're the one who put that piece.
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On the air. That's on you, CNN.
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00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:09,880
Let's see another one.
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The Congressional Budget Office now says
the new plan would ultimately add 23
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00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:19,060
million more people to the roles of the
uninsured.
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Correction. It's not 23 million people.
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It's 23 million poor people. It's a very
big difference.
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00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:30,940
Oh, please. If God wanted you to have
health care, you would have been born an
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00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:31,940
Australian.
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00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,700
TV, go. More pictures now.
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00:11:35,180 --> 00:11:39,580
Republican Representative Justin Amash
and Carlos Corbelo became the first
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Republicans to say that allegations of
Trump pressing James Comey to drop his
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investigation of Michael Flynn, if true,
are grounds for impeachment.
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No way I'm getting impeached while I'm
in Belgium. You can't break up with
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somebody over the phone.
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Enough.
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You're sick with pride, you brutal fool.
No doubt you count yourself a great
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powerful man because you sport with a
puny crowd, ill -bred to boot.
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No more orb for you, Mike.
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You're cut off and you're getting weird.
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We'll be right back.
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Are we almost done with this?
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00:12:23,820 --> 00:12:26,000
Oh, sir, would you like to go to the
Vietnam Veterans Memorial?
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00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:32,300
Oh, yeah, that sounds like a great idea.
Let's go, let's go. Ooh.
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You know, I don't think we could go
because I've got a terrible bone spur in
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foot. Let's defer.
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Let's just defer for now, okay?
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00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:47,520
You know what I meant to do was go
there, but now we're deferring. So it's
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00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:51,500
I meant it, but we're deferring, so
let's do a deferment. Sure. You want to
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00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:52,500
get ice cream? Yeah.
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00:12:52,830 --> 00:12:55,970
With all the Sunday fixin'? It's about a
half mile down that way. I don't care.
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Let's go. Come on. Let's go.
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00:12:57,350 --> 00:12:59,690
Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice
cream, ice cream.
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00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:10,090
Melania, she hasn't been punching me in
weeks.
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00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:17,470
I'm here at beautiful... I don't know
where. Beats the hell out of me.
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00:13:18,140 --> 00:13:22,620
But my guest tonight is a New York Daily
News columnist and CNN contributor.
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00:13:22,940 --> 00:13:28,560
Her new show, S .E. Cup Unfiltered,
premieres July 17th on HLN.
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00:13:28,820 --> 00:13:30,660
Please welcome S .E. Cup.
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00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,480
Now,
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you're a Republican, and Jeb Bush and
Marco
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00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,560
Rubio both criticized me this week.
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00:13:45,130 --> 00:13:48,370
Should more Republicans be standing up
to me or should they shut up?
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00:13:49,490 --> 00:13:54,930
You know, I'd love it if more
Republicans and conservatives took a
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00:13:54,930 --> 00:13:59,510
the things they believed in not less
than, you know, 200 days ago.
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00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:06,370
It's been pretty disappointing to see
how the party has unified, not around
210
00:14:06,370 --> 00:14:10,810
principles, but around having an R in
the White House. Isn't that wonderful?
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00:14:11,030 --> 00:14:12,030
No, my name's T.
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00:14:12,210 --> 00:14:13,450
It's T, not R.
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00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:14,859
My mistake.
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00:14:14,860 --> 00:14:19,040
Well, do you think it's because they
care about maintaining control in a
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00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:23,180
system that's so partisan that it
actually counteracts the ability for
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00:14:23,180 --> 00:14:24,180
govern?
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00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:31,400
I think they're certainly interested in
keeping control and keeping
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00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:32,079
a majority.
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00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:35,340
The problem is, what have they really
been able to do with this majority?
220
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,100
Not a whole lot.
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00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:41,780
You'd think that having nearly every
lever of power in Washington, you'd be
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00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:43,260
to get, I don't know, health care.
223
00:14:44,229 --> 00:14:48,450
You've only got seven years to work on
it. Oh, we totally did it. We did it.
224
00:14:48,450 --> 00:14:52,310
Didn't you see? I went in the Rose
Garden and I said my catchphrase, which
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00:14:52,310 --> 00:14:54,330
normally only say on the television
show.
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00:14:54,550 --> 00:14:56,490
I'm the president. Can you believe it?
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00:14:57,770 --> 00:15:03,390
You wrote an article called Our Endless
Stream of Scandal. Did you watch all of
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00:15:03,390 --> 00:15:05,770
Scandal on Netflix? Lost your mind?
Yeah.
229
00:15:06,870 --> 00:15:10,190
So how do we parse all the messes that
I'm involved in? Yeah.
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00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:15,180
Well, there's a lot, and there's a lot
of legitimate controversies and scandals
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that we as a press and we as a public
and we as a legislature should be
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at very seriously, and we are.
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But there's also some distracting non
-scandals, like you swatting your wife's
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hand away on a foreign trip. Not a
story.
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I was waving at her, but really low.
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I think when media outlets, serious,
incredible media outlets, create an
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equivalency between that non -story and
real issues that are troubling, it's no
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wonder why people hate the media and
feel like they can't trust us. Fake
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Right. Fake news.
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Isn't it true that that problem...
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That generally people have at a level
that's almost underneath their
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consciousness of the fact that
mainstream media at this point is a
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scandal breaking news collage has
created a problem in which real stories
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covered up by exactly what you're
saying, this type of scandal. And then I
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come in, label it fake news and rob us
of a real dialogue about the
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responsibilities of the fourth estate.
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Yeah, the fake news thing is a problem.
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And as a member of the media, I find
that to be really, really unfair.
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However, if you're a news consumer, it's
hard to tell the difference between not
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news and fake news. And I'm concerned
that when media outlets focus on the not
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news. then the news viewer will have a
very difficult time telling the
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difference. You're a very likable
conservative.
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And I'm a very unlikable conservative.
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Also not a conservative.
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Excuse me, I'm so conservative.
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I don't think so. Well, you know, that's
really great. Why am I not a
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conservative?
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I don't think you have any undergirding
conservative principle. Oh, I've got
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undergirding, trust me.
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Trust me.
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Cinched tight.
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Bad word choice.
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You know, as you've said, you know,
you're not married to a political party.
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This is how you got elected. I think you
wore the Republican Party like a rented
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tuxedo to get elected. And it worked.
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Thank you.
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It did, and I wish you'd be a little
less insecure.
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You won.
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Stop, you know, obsessing about how or
who didn't vote for you. Enough people
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liked you to make you president. So just
do the job.
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Whatever, man. Three million people
voted illegally.
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And if Hillary hadn't won any of the
votes, I would have gotten all of them.
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know that.
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That's the way it works. Right. I have
one last question.
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What are three places where liberals and
conservatives can see eye to eye with
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each other, if not agree, but at least
work towards understanding?
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Today? Like these liberals and
conservatives?
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Yeah. Oh, geez.
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It seems like...
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It seems difficult, honestly, because we
are so tribal and we are so encamped in
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our political ideologies. And the idea
that we can come together
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on causes seems almost nostalgic. And
that's very disappointing.
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But I have faith that there are very
good people on both sides of the aisle.
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know some of them in the House and in
the Senate who...
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if they can emerge out of this morass at
some point, we'll be able to work
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together on some of those causes that
used to unite both of our parties not
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00:18:46,580 --> 00:18:49,980
long ago. I have an idea of what's going
to unite both parties.
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My impeachment.
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S .C. Cuff, everybody.
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S .C. Cuff. S .C., stand up. Stand up.
Stand up.
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And so his destiny ordains. He has
reached his native land at last. For he
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00:19:16,670 --> 00:19:20,670
caused infinite trouble. And thus is his
journey.
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And what a journey it's been, folks.
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I got some crappy souvenirs from world
leaders. I resisted the siren call of S
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.E. Cup.
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And I finally got to spend some quality
time with the love of my life.
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My TV!
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I have become the master of two worlds,
America and Earth.
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Earlier this week, I went to Saudi
Arabia, the country that gave us most of
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00:19:52,820 --> 00:19:57,880
9 -11 hijackers, looked them square in
the eye and said, let's dance.
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Then I went to our NATO allies who
spilled blood in Afghanistan for us.
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and I shook them down for protection
money like a two -bit wise guy at a
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place.
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They offered me their hand in
friendship, and I gave them a big, fat
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finger.
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I've emerged from my trials a totally
changed man, learning the lesson that he
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didn't need to change at all.
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00:20:25,270 --> 00:20:32,170
So like any hero, I return victorious to
the arms of my faithful country and my
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loving wife.
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Take my hand, my love.
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Hand. Now.
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Melania. Chop, chop.
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Chop, chop. Take my hand.
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Take my hand.
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00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:46,630
Take my hand.
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00:20:46,930 --> 00:20:49,890
Take my hand. Take my hand.
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00:20:50,130 --> 00:20:52,210
Take my hand.
27779
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