Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the Secretary General of NATO and the 45th and final

President of the United States.

Excuse me, excuse me, get out of my way.

It's so great to be here in Belgium on my six -day sold -out world tour.

I'm officially the Aerosmith of Presidents.

And just like Aerosmith, my best days are yet to come.

Okay, you can talk now.

So true, folks.

So true. Mr. President, can the world trust your leadership with all these

investigations into your White House? Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. That's a

question, okay? I'm on vacation.

Everywhere I've been, people have been so nice to me.

Saudi Arabia, Israel, and even the Middle East.

A tremendous journey.

And that's our theme for tonight's show, my journey.

Why haven't you affirmed your commitment to NATO common defense?

Because NATO countries need to start paying their bills. And believe me, as a

guy who doesn't pay his bills, I find that disgusting.

This question is for the secretary.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Speak English. We're in America.

Speak English.

This is Belgium.

There you go. Now that's more like it.

Can somebody ask me something now?

Mr. President, when you were in Israel... I never said Israel. You said

You just screwed that up. You said Israel. I didn't say Israel.

And because of you, everyone knows that Israel has a mole in ISIS. So great job,

moron.

Look, as I said at the Holocaust Museum, we must never forget that I was there.

I'm the president.

I cannot believe it. Let's roll.

Welcome to the President's Show.

Welcome to the President's Show.

We're coming to you from the lovely Belgian White House.

Who knew they had an Oval Office exactly like mine?

Later, we'll be talking to conservative commentator S .E. Cupp. And Mike Pence

just flew in on the red -eye to be with us. Stand up, Mike.

Really?

No, no, no. I'm not standing up. Stand up, Mike. Sir, I am so tired.

Stand up, Mike. You stand up.

My gosh, I've been on a plane for the last seven hours huffing a Dutchman's

fart.

Mike Pence, everyone. Sorry.

Mike, Europe just gets me. Everyone's treating me like a total hero.

Right. Well, I see you've kept this... Yeah, the round thing that the Saudis

gave me. Yeah, yeah. Talk about a successful trip. I ate a whole goat two

in a row.

Speak, oh muse.

What the hell are you doing, Mike?

An angry king overpowers lesser men.

Even if that day his anger is suppressed, resentment lingers in his

one day he acts on it.

That's my orb, Mike. Hands off!

One hour in Europe and this guy thinks he's a poet.

I'm sorry, sir. I just am getting this strange feeling that you're on a quest

undergoing a series of trials to learn a lesson and become a better man.

Yeah, that's cool.

Let me tell you, the girls here, no bras.

Nipple city.

But they smell like cab drivers. I think I like it.

You're a married man, sir. Good one, Mike.

I've got so much unbelievable stuff on this trip. I want to do a desk piece

called Stuff I Got on My Trip.

Look at this necklace I got in Saudi Arabia from King Salmon. Oh, yeah. It's

beautiful, sir.

It's beautiful, but I do have to say, you don't really need to wear it because

you already look like a real Mr.

T.

You get it? Because your last name starts with a T, and then there was the

gentleman, Mr. T, who had the... Yeah, I get it, Mike. Right. I get it.

But I pity the fool who makes a Mr.

T reference in 2017.

Here, you'll like this one. This is great. Check that out. Oh, the good

Very good. My buddy Bibby bought me a Bible.

You know, Mike, I love this Bible. A book about what happens when a bunch of

desert nomads stop being polite and start getting real.

I really wish you would stop calling it that, sir.

It's actually God's message of love and compassion.

Great, I'll give it to Mick Mulvaney so he has something to ignore when he's

drafting my budget.

And speaking of God stuff, check this out.

Wow, look at this.

This is my gift from Pope Francis.

Wow, that is a real... Yeah, right?

Yeah, I've never seen a nicer... I don't know what it is, Mike.

I mean, is it an iPad stand?

I don't know, a robot pizza?

Liberace's biscuits?

The token to play a giant game of skee -ball?

A severed attic of a doll's house? Oh, yeah.

That's what it is. What a gift.

Here, Mike. You take it. Oh, boy. Cool.

Liberace's discus. Nice.

Now, check this out.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah. I got this tight little number from the Arabs.

Oh.

Wow. Cool sword. Have you named it, sir? A hero always names his sword.

Yeah. I'm calling it sex caliber.

You get it, Mike? Yes. No, I do, sir. I should point out that you have already

named several things in the White House sex calendar.

Well, hold on, sir. Don't put it away.

You're going to do the sword dance, aren't you? No one wants to see that,

Oh, I think they do.

I think we want to see the sword dance.

Good.

You're a dexterous dancer, sir.

Just fantastic.

Mike, come on. Join me, Mike.

Join me, Mike.

When we come back, I'll name the top five journalists I'd like to body slam.

I'm looking at you, Feynman.

Abraham Lincoln was the father of the Republican Party.

But then, like most dads, one day he said he was going out for cigarettes and

never came back. And now you got me, the stepfather of the Republican Party.

Swaggering, dirty, shows up late, and I rail your mom right in front of you.

Welcome back to the show.

I'm having such a great time on my trip abroad, Mike. But I missed my TV time.

Well, sir, I have a surprise for you.

I don't have to be president anymore?

No, no, that's not it. Is it James Comey's head on a platter? No, it's much

better than that, sir. My TV, my TV.

Oh, there it is. My TV.

Thanks, Mike. I love it. That means it's time for Screaming at the TV.

Let's see what the press is saying about my foreign adventures.

Breaking news. The Washington Post reporting at this hour that President

asked two of the nation's top intelligence officials to help him push

against an FBI investigation into possible coordination between his

Russia.

What?

Absolutely no coordination. My campaign was completely uncoordinated.

One day, Steve Bannon brought 50 donuts to the office, and I also brought 50

donuts. We had such a great laugh.

Then Steve read from the protocols of the elders of Zion.

And we ate 100 donuts.

There's got to be something good about me and all I've accomplished on this

trip. And the top Democrat on the House Oversight Committee now says Michael

Flynn lied to investigators who vetted him for his 2016 security clearance

renewal. Oh, my God.

Can we please stop talking about all the different people Mike Flynn lied to?

It's going to be a lot easier to talk about the people he didn't lie to.

Mike? That is true.

Let's see. Let's see who was there. Who didn't he lie to? What about... He

didn't lie. Didn't lie. Didn't lie. Barbara. Remember Barbara? No, he lied

Barbara. He did lie to Barbara. He lied to Barbara. There was... Inanimate

objects. Go for inanimate objects. No, I think he just... We lied to... No, he

didn't. He lied to a bookshelf once. Yeah.

See? Much easier. That was short.

Moving on.

Oh, look. They're talking about my new budget.

This budget is a disaster. It's cruel. It's heartless. He actually zeroes out

all of our programs as it relates to the Special Olympics for disabled children.

He cuts meals on wheels.

Not true.

We're merging the Special Olympics and meals on wheels.

Old people will get to eat their dinner off the lap of a wheelchair kid racing

around a track. So everybody wins.

You're a compassionate man. I am. Isn't there someone out there defending me?

I mean, he's the president of the United States. If he wants to say that, Barack

Obama wants to say whatever. If George Bush says, I looked in his eyes. If he

took a dump on his desk, you would defend him.

No, no, no, no, no.

Nice try, Anderson Cooper.

Jeffrey Lord is a dump I took on my desk.

You're the one who put that piece.

On the air. That's on you, CNN.

Let's see another one.

The Congressional Budget Office now says the new plan would ultimately add 23

million more people to the roles of the uninsured.

Correction. It's not 23 million people.

It's 23 million poor people. It's a very big difference.

Oh, please. If God wanted you to have health care, you would have been born an

Australian.

TV, go. More pictures now.

Republican Representative Justin Amash and Carlos Corbelo became the first

Republicans to say that allegations of Trump pressing James Comey to drop his

investigation of Michael Flynn, if true, are grounds for impeachment.

No way I'm getting impeached while I'm in Belgium. You can't break up with

somebody over the phone.

Enough.

You're sick with pride, you brutal fool. No doubt you count yourself a great

powerful man because you sport with a puny crowd, ill -bred to boot.

No more orb for you, Mike.

You're cut off and you're getting weird.

We'll be right back.

Are we almost done with this?

Oh, sir, would you like to go to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial?

Oh, yeah, that sounds like a great idea. Let's go, let's go. Ooh.

You know, I don't think we could go because I've got a terrible bone spur in

foot. Let's defer.

Let's just defer for now, okay?

You know what I meant to do was go there, but now we're deferring. So it's

I meant it, but we're deferring, so let's do a deferment. Sure. You want to

get ice cream? Yeah.

With all the Sunday fixin'? It's about a half mile down that way. I don't care.

Let's go. Come on. Let's go.

Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream.

Melania, she hasn't been punching me in weeks.

I'm here at beautiful... I don't know where. Beats the hell out of me.

But my guest tonight is a New York Daily News columnist and CNN contributor.

Her new show, S .E. Cup Unfiltered, premieres July 17th on HLN.

Please welcome S .E. Cup.

Now,

you're a Republican, and Jeb Bush and Marco

Rubio both criticized me this week.

Should more Republicans be standing up to me or should they shut up?

You know, I'd love it if more Republicans and conservatives took a

the things they believed in not less than, you know, 200 days ago.

It's been pretty disappointing to see how the party has unified, not around

principles, but around having an R in the White House. Isn't that wonderful?

No, my name's T.

It's T, not R.

My mistake.

Well, do you think it's because they care about maintaining control in a

system that's so partisan that it actually counteracts the ability for

govern?

I think they're certainly interested in keeping control and keeping

a majority.

The problem is, what have they really been able to do with this majority?

Not a whole lot.

You'd think that having nearly every lever of power in Washington, you'd be

to get, I don't know, health care.

You've only got seven years to work on it. Oh, we totally did it. We did it.

Didn't you see? I went in the Rose Garden and I said my catchphrase, which

normally only say on the television show.

I'm the president. Can you believe it?

You wrote an article called Our Endless Stream of Scandal. Did you watch all of

Scandal on Netflix? Lost your mind? Yeah.

So how do we parse all the messes that I'm involved in? Yeah.

Well, there's a lot, and there's a lot of legitimate controversies and scandals

that we as a press and we as a public and we as a legislature should be

at very seriously, and we are.

But there's also some distracting non -scandals, like you swatting your wife's

hand away on a foreign trip. Not a story.

I was waving at her, but really low.

I think when media outlets, serious, incredible media outlets, create an

equivalency between that non -story and real issues that are troubling, it's no

wonder why people hate the media and feel like they can't trust us. Fake

Right. Fake news.

Isn't it true that that problem...

That generally people have at a level that's almost underneath their

consciousness of the fact that mainstream media at this point is a

scandal breaking news collage has created a problem in which real stories

covered up by exactly what you're saying, this type of scandal. And then I

come in, label it fake news and rob us of a real dialogue about the

responsibilities of the fourth estate.

Yeah, the fake news thing is a problem.

And as a member of the media, I find that to be really, really unfair.

However, if you're a news consumer, it's hard to tell the difference between not

news and fake news. And I'm concerned that when media outlets focus on the not

news. then the news viewer will have a very difficult time telling the

difference. You're a very likable conservative.

And I'm a very unlikable conservative.

Also not a conservative.

Excuse me, I'm so conservative.

I don't think so. Well, you know, that's really great. Why am I not a

conservative?

I don't think you have any undergirding conservative principle. Oh, I've got

undergirding, trust me.

Trust me.

Cinched tight.

Bad word choice.

You know, as you've said, you know, you're not married to a political party.

This is how you got elected. I think you wore the Republican Party like a rented

tuxedo to get elected. And it worked.

Thank you.

It did, and I wish you'd be a little less insecure.

You won.

Stop, you know, obsessing about how or who didn't vote for you. Enough people

liked you to make you president. So just do the job.

Whatever, man. Three million people voted illegally.

And if Hillary hadn't won any of the votes, I would have gotten all of them.

know that.

That's the way it works. Right. I have one last question.

What are three places where liberals and conservatives can see eye to eye with

each other, if not agree, but at least work towards understanding?

Today? Like these liberals and conservatives?

Yeah. Oh, geez.

It seems like...

It seems difficult, honestly, because we are so tribal and we are so encamped in

our political ideologies. And the idea that we can come together

on causes seems almost nostalgic. And that's very disappointing.

But I have faith that there are very good people on both sides of the aisle.

know some of them in the House and in the Senate who...

if they can emerge out of this morass at some point, we'll be able to work

together on some of those causes that used to unite both of our parties not

long ago. I have an idea of what's going to unite both parties.

My impeachment.

S .C. Cuff, everybody.

S .C. Cuff. S .C., stand up. Stand up. Stand up.

And so his destiny ordains. He has reached his native land at last. For he

caused infinite trouble. And thus is his journey.

And what a journey it's been, folks.

I got some crappy souvenirs from world leaders. I resisted the siren call of S

.E. Cup.

And I finally got to spend some quality time with the love of my life.

My TV!

I have become the master of two worlds, America and Earth.

Earlier this week, I went to Saudi Arabia, the country that gave us most of

9 -11 hijackers, looked them square in the eye and said, let's dance.

Then I went to our NATO allies who spilled blood in Afghanistan for us.

and I shook them down for protection money like a two -bit wise guy at a

place.

They offered me their hand in friendship, and I gave them a big, fat

finger.

I've emerged from my trials a totally changed man, learning the lesson that he

didn't need to change at all.

So like any hero, I return victorious to the arms of my faithful country and my

loving wife.

Take my hand, my love.

Hand. Now.

Melania. Chop, chop.

Chop, chop. Take my hand.

Take my hand.

Take my hand.

Take my hand. Take my hand.

Take my hand.