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Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final
president of the United States.
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No, no, no, no,
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no.
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All right, all right, all right, we're
here. Let's do
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it, let's do it.
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Mr. President, can you comment on the
special prosecutor investigating your
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White House?
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Unbelievable. This is a total witch
hunt. And not even the good kind.
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Not even the good kind.
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How are you able to defend sharing
classified intelligence with the
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Easy. Because I have lots of
intelligence.
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Too much intelligence.
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Too much intelligence.
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From our tremendous agency. The CIA.
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The NSA.
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The NCIS New Orleans.
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You know what? Why don't we make that
our theme tonight?
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Intelligence.
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Intelligence.
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I'll need some intelligence right now.
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Stanley Kubrick, a great New Yorker,
helped NASA fake the moon landing.
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But they filmed it on location on the
moon.
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So there's your lead story tomorrow.
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No matter what true things you hear.
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Sir, the House was talking impeachment.
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Houses don't talk, you dummy.
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Don't yell at me.
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Russia stabs me in the back. My allies
betray me.
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Spicer banning Kushner rights.
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No one understands my strong...
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completely in control and I'm the
president can you believe it
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Welcome to the President's Show. Mike
Pence, blah, blah, blah.
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Boy, we got Deepak Chopra, whatever.
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What's the problem, sir? It's been a
tough week, Mike. And we lost one of the
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greats today.
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Roger Ailes.
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A pioneer in the art of merging
politics, media, and sexual harassment
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allegations.
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A total pig.
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That'll do, pig.
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That'll do.
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It's all falling apart.
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There's no one left who understands me.
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Well, that's not true, sir. I understand
you. I hold the presidency in such high
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regard, sir. You know, it's the office
itself, regardless of whoever it is that
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sits at this precious desk.
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Mike, just take the desk to dinner
first, you creep.
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I don't know what you're talking about,
sir. I'm just... You know what?
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Get out of here. No. Get him out. I
don't want to talk to you either. Get
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out of here. Sir, maybe I could just sit
there for a little bit. Hit the bricks,
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Mike. You're a weirdo. Get out.
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All right. Get out.
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I feel like I'll do this myself.
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I'll do it myself.
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Folks, I can't trust anyone.
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Well, there is one man, but we haven't
spoken in a long, long
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time.
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And there's a 1 % chance he would help
me. 1 %?
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Of 1 %?
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Oh, boy!
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Oh, boy!
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Bernie Sanders!
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Bernie Sanders!
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My best friend!
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My best friend!
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My best friend!
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Bernie!
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Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!
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Bernie! Bernie!
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Ooh, is that pixie dust on your
shoulder? You're so magical. No, no,
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cracker crumb.
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I'm so glad you're here.
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You're the only one who understands me.
We're so similar.
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No, we're not.
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Wow, you are so cool, Bernie.
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Don, let me say this. And when I say
that, what I mean is, I'm going to say
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something.
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Mr. President, respectfully, you are
doing a terrible job. And I would like
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drive that point home by doing a desk
piece on your show where I offer you a
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counterpoint to your presidency. I call
it, wait for it, counterpoint.
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Excuse me.
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Counterpoint. Excuse me.
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Counterpoint. My desk, my show. So we're
just going to call it counterpoint
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excuse me.
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That's a terrible title for a segment.
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Counsel point.
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Are you tampered with the Michael Flynn
investigation?
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The Comey memo says that you said,
quote, he's a good guy. I hope you can
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this go. Unquote.
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Inexcusable. Unbelievable.
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Inconsolable! Undateable!
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Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse
me. Excuse me.
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James Comey is lying.
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I never asked him to let it go, and I
absolutely never said Mike Flynn is a
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guy. He's a three -star general, but a
five -star asshole.
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Cut the voice! You tried to obstruct
justice.
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And the American people deserve to read
those Comey memos immediately,
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preferably in a print that has a large
enough font that it doesn't strain the
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eyes. Ocular strain, a very underrated,
you know, issue that affects a lot of
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people in the population. Excuse me,
Bernie.
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Excuse me. Excuse me. I love you. Excuse
me. Go for it.
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Nobody wants to read those memos except
crooked journalists, elite Hollywood
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insiders, Democrats, millennials, most
dads, all moms, nerds, dweebs, jocks,
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stoners, and Republicans.
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Not the real American people.
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Wrong! Count the point! You leaked
classified information to the Russians!
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puss! Look at me. I never leaked
anything more than a little Russian
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off the side of my mouth now and then.
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Excuse me.
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Excuse me. What do you want? I'm the
president, and if I said it, it's
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declassified. I declassify everything I
touch.
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The White House used to be super classy,
but now, totally declassified.
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Look, Donald, I gotta get out of here.
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I got a very exciting revote on the
reappropriation of last year's
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resolution of the previous year's
omnibus budgetary appropriation for the
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year prior to that. I got goosebumps
just thinking about it.
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Classic Bernie.
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Knowing things and caring about them.
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Of all my friends, you're the top 1 % of
the top 1 % of the top
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1%. Wow.
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Look at that.
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Bernie's disappearing.
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Bye -bye, Bernie.
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Bye -bye, Bernie.
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You're sending off for me a beverage,
numbnuts.
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Bernie Sanders, everybody.
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We'll be right back.
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I'm as gentle as they get. So gentle.
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You know, I love the Beatles.
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I love the Beatles.
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I'm here at beautiful Mar -a -Lago.
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My guest tonight is a pioneer of
integrative medicine and personal
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transformation. His new book is called
You Are the Universe. It's right here.
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Check it out.
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Please welcome Deepak Chopra.
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I am so pleased. By the way, I hope you
know I'm always meditating because I'm
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always going like this. You have the
classic mudras of self -loathing. Of
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I do.
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That's tremendous.
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Isn't that tremendous?
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I've got a mudra of self -loathing.
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I don't understand Hindu.
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Your book is called you are the universe
and that's perfect for me because I
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already know that So you say that we're
all connected in the universe so does
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that mean that I'm Elizabeth Warren Your
shadow self might be that but
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what I mean by you are the universe is
that in every moment of your life The
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you experience the universe every
situation every circumstance every
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relationship your entire world is the
reflection of your self.
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So you have so much self -loathing that
you see the whole world.
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And that's what makes you a bully.
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It makes you say, there you are.
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You need to heal your inner child.
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You're really wounded.
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Deepak, let me tell you, I take that to
heart. But I take care of my inner child
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all the time. I know.
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I play.
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I play with toy trucks. I do Lego.
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I have four juice boxes a day.
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And I eat all the Burger King I want on
Sunday if Mike lets me.
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Now, you meditate for two hours every
morning. Why do you feel the need to do
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that? I think self -reflection,
meditation, getting in touch with
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ultimately.
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makes you a spectator of your own
thoughts, your own behavior, which you
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need to do. If you became a spectator of
your behavior, you would slowly
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transform. Slowly, though. I am a
spectator. I am a spectator of my
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watch myself on TV.
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In fact, whenever I sleep with a woman,
I make her watch a tape of me on Donahue
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that I have.
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And that's true.
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That's true.
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You know that's true.
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You know it's true.
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What are your suggestions for Trump
-related stress for all the people who
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terrified by me?
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Is there anyone who is not?
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I think even I, I'm very calm. I never
get upset.
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But you're upsetting me right now.
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I am upset at you right now.
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With the same usual childlike
belligerence and lack of self
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-esteem. You're extremely narcissistic.
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Yeah. But at the same time, you have no
self -esteem. You're looking for
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validation, for approval. What you need
is love.
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I love you, Donald.
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I'm not. No. No.
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You wondered in a tweet whether I was
brain impaired.
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Now that you've met me, what do you
think?
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I think it might be a good idea for you
to have a brain scan, an MRI,
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just for your own safety and the safety
of the world.
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It's not a bad idea. It would restore
confidence if it came out normal.
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That's perfect.
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Deepak Chopra, everybody!
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Thank you, Deepak.
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Welcome back. Welcome
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back. During the break, Deepak and I
were
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talking, and he thinks he can help me
meditate.
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So what do I need to do?
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Just close your eyes, put your attention
here, and ask yourself, who
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am I?
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Who am I?
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Who am I?
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Who am I?
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Stay back.
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Mike?
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Great.
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Unbelievable.
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Excuse me.
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Excuse me. I'm trapped in my own mind.
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Could somebody help me get out of here?
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you are me you
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are teeth in hair
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you are a lie
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you are vile you are evil you are a liar
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are not special.
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I die.
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You are one of us.
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We are all the same.
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Who is the person you hate?
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It is me.
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00:17:40,740 --> 00:17:42,820
Who are the ones you attack?
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They are me.
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Who are the ones you fear?
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I fear myself We are all the same We are
all the same
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We are all the same We are all the same
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We are all the same We
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are all the same I am not special
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I'm so, so sorry for who I am.
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00:18:25,940 --> 00:18:27,440
Well, Mr.
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President, what did you learn about
yourself?
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Nothing. Nothing happened.
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You blew it, Deepak. We'll be right
back.
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What a great show.
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I made Bernie my bro.
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I went brain -o to brain -o with Deepak
Chopra.
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And most importantly, I took a long,
hard look inside myself.
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And I saw what I always see.
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Me coming out on top.
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It's the story I tell myself no matter
what is actually happening.
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I live moment to moment.
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Doing two things.
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Trying to win whatever conversation I'm
in.
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And I can't remember how I started this
sentence.
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Do you want intelligence?
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Here's the top, top super secret.
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There is no master plan.
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I'm not playing three -dimensional
chess.
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I'm not even playing two -dimensional
Candyland.
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00:19:50,090 --> 00:19:56,010
I'm just one sad old man in way over his
head.
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I'm tired.
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00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:01,690
Anybody still here?
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00:20:03,450 --> 00:20:07,630
Spicer, Bannon, Kushner, Reince?
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I guess they went home.
252
00:20:10,890 --> 00:20:11,910
That's okay.
253
00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:14,090
They'll all be back tomorrow.
254
00:20:15,050 --> 00:20:17,370
And we'll be back on top.
255
00:20:19,490 --> 00:20:20,590
I'm fine.
256
00:20:21,610 --> 00:20:23,610
Nobody worry about me.
257
00:20:24,650 --> 00:20:25,770
I'm fine.
258
00:20:27,050 --> 00:20:28,050
I'm fine.
259
00:20:29,370 --> 00:20:30,770
I'm the president.
260
00:20:31,350 --> 00:20:33,290
I can't believe it.
261
00:20:34,610 --> 00:20:35,650
Good night.
262
00:20:53,330 --> 00:20:56,130
Thank you.
19920
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