Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final President of the United States.

Wow. Wow.

Welcome to the President's Show. What a day, folks.

Today, Congress passed the Obamacare repeal.

I know, I know. I hated it too.

We're celebrating bigly. I just came from a rager in the Rose Garden and Paul

Ryan did a keg stand.

I told him, be careful, Paul. You don't want to get hurt.

And then we laughed and laughed because this law won't apply to us.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

Everybody's so happy that we repealed Obamacare.

I even saw Muslims in New Jersey cheering by the thousands.

That was a nice surprise.

And by the way, that's our theme tonight.

Surprise!

Science teaches us that there are four elements.

Earth, wind, air, and the element of surprise.

Surprise is everywhere.

On the faces of the religious leaders when I start talking about the Bible.

in the eyes of young women whose dressing rooms I barge into, and in the

stares of the millions of people who just found out they're about to lose

health care.

How can you possibly support this plan?

I support any plan that separates out the sickest people and puts them in a

high -risk group.

How do you think I assembled my cabinet?

This bill...

is estimated to cause 24 million people to lose health insurance.

What will you say to them?

Nothing. I don't care.

I don't know any of those people. Why would I talk to them?

By the way, 24 million was the CBO score from last time. But this time, we

totally fixed it. We didn't let the CBO score it. See?

I'm getting the hang of this.

Surprise!

I said you're going to get sick of winning. And now that we're winning,

definitely going to get sick.

I'm the president. Can you believe it? Let's roll.

Welcome to the President's Show. Vice President Mike Fetch, everybody.

Vice President Mike Fetch.

So incredible.

So incredible.

Stand up, Mike. Stand up, Mike. Stand up. There we go.

Stand up, Mike.

Stand up. Stand up, Mike.

So how are you doing today, Mike?

Well, I'm just wonderful, sir.

As always, and I just wanted you to know, I knew our theme tonight was

so I got you a little gift. Okay, Mike, whatever you're doing, don't do it, all

right? Please.

We're talking about surprise tonight. Yes, I know that. And you know what

surprised me?

How much the White House sucks.

It's like living alone in a library like a dog. Well, perhaps, sir. I don't even

want it. I don't even want what you're selling, okay?

Plus, did you know it's only two stories tall?

And you can't see Central Park. I have something that might cheer you up, sir.

No, stop.

Sir, I really think you would enjoy this delicious can of peanut brittle.

Fine. Just give me this joke can of whatever it is, Mike.

He's no snake, Mike. It's just peanut brittle.

Wait a second.

If that's peanut brittle, then that means... Oh, my gosh.

Karen!

Stay. Stay, Mike.

Forget her, Mike.

It's brittle town.

And we've got a desk speech to do. Oh, good.

Mike, you know, I love signing executive orders.

I can make people do whatever I want. I don't have to talk to Congress, and I

get to go like this.

Let's take a look at some executive orders I thought of today, all by

without help from anybody who knows what they're doing.

Everyone knows the press is terrible people. The worst people.

That's why I'm trying to change libel laws to make it easier to sue the

media. But the lawyers are saying that it's impossible.

So executive order.

The First Amendment is now the last amendment.

And the Second Amendment is promoted to the First Amendment. From now on, you

have to say something with a gun.

That's true, sir. Rights are a privilege, not a right. Good one, Mike.

you, sir.

I like my fellow international leaders, strong and tough, with just a smidgen of

fascism. That's why I've said such nice things about Kim Jong -un, Roger

Hugo Duterte, and something, something, Erdogan from Turkey.

Executive Order Dictator Sleepover.

This Friday, my new besties are coming to the White House. We're going to prank

all Western democracies, play Spin the Dissident, and Ouija Waterboard our

enemies. What fun!

Can I come, sir?

Mike, no.

Because you'll blow it in your sleeping bag.

Mike, did you see what my wife did on Twitter? I did not, no. She liked a

that said, seems the only wall Trump built is between him and Melania.

It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true.

It's true.

Totally unacceptable.

So, executive order, Melania Trump must delete her Twitter account.

She's so impulsive, zero control, she could start a nuclear war.

A woman you can bait with a tweet should not be first lady.

Good point, sir. Very good point.

Executive order.

Mermaids need to have crotches.

They look so good from the waist up, but downstairs it's all fish.

Who wants that?

You know, I only eat fish on Fridays, sir.

Jesus, Mike. You just made that way too gross. What's wrong with you?

Oh, I didn't mean to... And finally, executive... Wait a second.

This isn't an executive order. It's a diner menu.

Why do I have a diner menu?

Well, you didn't finish the maize yesterday, sir.

Because... Well, because it was too hard.

Which way am I supposed to go you you want to go toward the playground sir you

don't want to go back home I Always want to go home

We'll be right back

I don't watch the show.

Because Lisa Renner has a bag of pills. Right, I know. Okay, and it's Beverly

Hills Reunion Part 3, so it was so intense.

It doesn't mean anything to me because I don't watch the show. But all the pills

are vitamins, Mike. They were just vitamins.

I see. Okay, she just said she liked a Xanax and a smoothie. It doesn't mean a

thing. Gotcha. I understand.

Mike, I got to tell you something.

My tum -tum's going a bum -bum.

Do you think you could go get me some cow juice?

Milk? Yeah.

Sure, sir. Okay. Stick around. I'll be right back. Don't get lost.

Here's a surprise about the White House.

The paintings come alive at night.

After I've taken my anti -baldness medication.

Look who's in the painting today. It's President Andrew Jackson.

Old hickory dickory.

Let's see.

If we can wake him up. Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,

wake up.

What? What is happening? Where am I?

Why, this looks like the White House.

Well, then who might you be?

I'm the president.

Oh, boy, oh, boy. I'm so glad you're here.

I told everybody that you would have prevented the Civil War.

No, Mr. President. I didn't fight in the Civil War. I fought in the War of 1812.

18 to 12, the forbidden years.

Okay.

The Civil War was a total disaster. Why did it have to happen?

I can't believe I'm the only person to ever ask that question.

And you were the only man who could have stopped it.

I don't think that's true.

You know, between my time in office and the start of the Civil War, there were

nine other presidents.

Also, I was dead.

No, no, no.

No, no. You would have prevented it. Don't be modest.

I don't know what you... Well, I sent a warship to South Carolina to enforce

federal law against nullification. Is that what you're talking about?

Absolutely.

One of the greats. One of the greats. Am I?

A lot of stuff I did hasn't aged well.

I owned hundreds of slaves. I legalized genocide against the Indian tribe.

But in the end, you took one look at the Civil War and you said, not on my

watch.

Listen to me.

I had nothing to do with the Civil War.

I wasn't mad about it because I didn't see it coming because I couldn't have

seen it coming because I was dead.

Is this your cup?

What?

I found this old cup and I said, this is definitely Jackson's cup.

I've been drinking out of it for weeks. It's got to be yours.

I don't think so. Are you sure it's not your cup?

It's not my cup.

I think it's yours.

Okay, fine. It's my cup.

Is there anything you want to say to Cup?

Uh, hello, Cup.

I love this. This is history come alive.

You know what? Come out of the painting.

Well, uh, this whole thing is just a hallucination caused by your anti

medication, so you're the bomb. All right, whatever.

Sit where Mike sits.

Just sit where Mike sits. Right next to Cuff. Not my cup.

Do you have any questions about the future, President Andrew Jackson?

Uh, sure. Are we still at war with the Indians?

Sort of. We just ran a rickety pipeline through their sacred land.

Love that.

Uh, what about slavery?

How'd that all shake out?

Well, I hate to break it to you, but there's no more slavery.

Aw. But...

But we do have an incredible prison industrial complex that locks up black

people and makes them work for nothing.

Hey, pretty much the same thing. Wow.

See?

Steve was right. I am just like you. You are way cooler than Mike.

Uh, sir?

Sir?

Mike, where the hell are you?

Trapped in the paintings, sir!

Oh, Jesus, Mike. All right, yeah, we'll get you out. We're not going to get him

out. We'll be right back.

The Angel

Sisters, everybody.

Unbelievable. Do you want to take a picture with me?

A total?

Let's just do it and then be done, okay?

What a wonderful little girl. I am a disgrace to the world.

I am a disgrace.

I love the basement. I love all the mattresses.

I'm here in beautiful Mar -a -Lago.

My guest tonight is a journalist and LGBT activist.

He writes a column and hosts a podcast called Savage Love.

Please welcome Dan Savage, everyone.

I thought there'd be blood on my hands. No, something else, Dan.

We're going to get dirty right away.

Dan, thank you so much for being here.

Now, I want to talk to you about your sex podcast.

You answer a lot of pinky questions. I do. Why does talking dirty help you, but

it gets me in trouble?

Because I speak dirty with people who want to speak dirty with me. I'm not

grabbing people by their Internet accounts and speaking dirty with them

their will.

Who does that? Not me. I grab people by their pussies.

And you shouldn't. You really shouldn't. It's actually a crime and you should be

in prison, not in the White House.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. You know something?

We're going to just say that we both won that exchange.

Now you say if you like something and your partner likes it, you should try

So how do I get America to consent to me?

I don't think America is ever going to get used to you. You see in the

resistance that's popped up. You see in the people in the streets at all the

demonstrations.

It's actually really great. The only upside of this calamity is the

that you've inspired is the sort of immune system response.

The immune system response of the nation to the infection that is your

administration and your presidency.

Everyone says, like Bernie even says, it's about the economy. It's about

and jobs, not about social issues.

What are we missing? Because I feel like I won on a jobs program.

So doesn't that mean that now I don't have to care about social issues?

Well, a lot of social issues actually are also jobs issues. You know, if a

can't control her own body, control when she has a child.

Would she like to go to the bathroom? Well, no, if she can't decide.

Whether she is going to have a baby, if she's pregnant and she can't terminate

the pregnancy if she's not.

Ready to be a parent. Well, then she's going to be forced out of the workforce.

There are people who need to access abortion rights because they already

many children as they can possibly take care of. Most people who get abortions

are already parents, already mothers.

And so that's an economic issue by itself. Abortion is an economic issue.

things that we call social issues or want to say that they're identity

are also about often economics and people's ability to participate in the

economy. If you're being discriminated against because of your race or your

class or your gender or your sexual orientation, Can't stand them all.

That's going to have an economic impact on your life. That's going to harm you

economically. So social issues and identity issues are also economic

All right, all right.

Now, what's a fetish that you think I have that I'm not telling anybody?

It's actually not a fetish that people don't already suspect that you have.

the piss thing.

People have said you're famously a germ -phobe, and yet you touched my hand.

Oh, I'm going to burn it. I know.

And people have said because you're a germ -phobe, you couldn't possibly be

getting peed on. And actually, those things kind of go together. Be sterile.

Be sterile, but a lot of people's kinks are the opposite of who they present

themselves to be and who they believe themselves to be. A kink is often

something that is, you know, not like the...

Wealthy and powerful CEO who likes to go to a professional dominatrix and be

ordered around and whipped.

That's kind of the opposite of who his public persona is. So your public

as a germaphobe is in no way in conflict with you potentially being into

drinking urine. So could we say that... And I love it. I love it. It's like

Gatorade.

My only question, Dan, is so in other words, we could say that once shadow

psychology, the part of themselves they don't show the world, tends to manifest

itself in the kink.

or fetish because it's a private space in which they feel the most safe.

We could say that, and I believe I have said that on my podcast and in my

column. Oh, my God. Well, then let's do a podcast together.

Now, I understand you have a gift for me. I do have a gift for you. I have

lovely hat. A red hat. I love it.

A red hat.

ITMFA stands for Impeach the Motherfucker Already.

My contribution to the resistance to you and your administration is I've sold

tens of thousands of dollars worth of ITMFA merch at ITMFA .org, and we've

$100 ,000 to the ACLU Planned Parenthood and the International Refugee

Assistance Project.

I love this hat.

I'll tell you, I get that it's a kink, but I'm not in the mother, okay?

Dan Savage, everybody!

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

What an incredible show.

I talked dirty with Dan Savage, Mike got stuck in a painting, and we all fell in

love with America's first cup.

Let's get a shot of the cup. Get a shot of the cup.

Get a shot of the cup. It's right there.

And we had a great theme surprise.

How is anybody surprised by me anymore? I'm doing exactly what I promised to do

during the campaign.

Dismantling this country piece by piece.

And the first piece, health care.

House Republicans finally slapped together a bill cruel enough to pass.

They gave me my first big win. And I'm giving them a giant political albatross.

And to my supporters.

You're giving up your health care for nothing.

Zero. Zip.

You're not any safer.

You're not getting your jobs back. You're not even getting that big,

wall.

The billionaire oligarchs who really run this country are getting a trillion

dollars in tax cuts, and all you get is a stupid red hat.

What a deal!

Some of you thought I was a gift.

Others thought I was nuts.

Turns out I was a snake all along.

Surprise!

Bar, bar!

The great big, great big.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.