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Ladies and gentlemen, the President of
the United States.
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Wow.
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Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
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So incredible.
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The first show.
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The first show.
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Welcome to The President Show.
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I'm the president, and I'm also the
show.
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And that's an incredible deal.
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Now I can talk to the American people
directly, just like FDR and its fireside
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chats.
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F -D -R.
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Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt.
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Who was brutally attacked by the Italian
anarchist Marco Polio.
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Marco stole his legs and made him half
president.
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Let's face it. The guy was half man,
half president.
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He was a robo -president.
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Beep bop goes the robot.
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And we all know that.
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And we all know that.
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Every show, we're going to have a
beautiful new theme to set the agenda.
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And tonight, for our first show, our
first theme, America.
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first. Mr. President, isn't that a white
nationalist, Logan? Excuse me. Excuse
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me. I'm white. I live in this nation. I
guess that makes me a white nationalist.
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Sir, have your first 100 days been a
failure?
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Oh, you shut up.
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In my first 100 days, I signed 30
executive orders, fired 59 missiles into
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Syria, took 16 golf trips, got 500 hole
-in -ones, and talked to a lady
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astronaut on the computer.
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She was on the moon.
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She was on the moon.
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All that is 785 things, which, if you
round up, is a million.
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And I did it all ahead of Skedgie and
under Budgie.
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Those numbers don't make any sense.
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Who cares? I'm the president. Can you
believe it? Let's roll.
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
very first episode of The President
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I turned the Oval Office into a classic
late night set. I've got a desk.
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I've got a couch.
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I've even got a sidekick.
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He's America's answer to white rice with
no salt. Vice President Mike Pence,
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everybody.
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Sit down.
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Sit down. Thank you.
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Oh, I have to say, Mr. President, it is
an honor. No, it's not. I'm a pig. You
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hate this.
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My guest tonight is the one and only
Keith Olbermann. He can't stand me. It's
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going to be so much fun.
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What an exciting first hundred days.
Right, Mike?
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Oh, absolutely, sir. You have really put
some cinnamon on the oatmeal.
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Thanks.
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Thanks, Mike. You're welcome.
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Everyone's been in such a panic. It's
like we've been living in that scene
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the end of Goodfellas where Ray Liotta
is driving around town with the
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helicopter chasing him.
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You remember that. And he's trying to
stash the cocaine and his brother has to
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stir the socks and the babysitter has to
make the phone call and the helicopter
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keeps chasing him and he's just doing
more coke and stirring more socks and
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Karen has to flush the coke. Fuck!
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My wife's name is Karen.
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So, just to let you know, you're all
going to keep feeling like that the
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time I'm president.
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That's a lot of cinnamon, sir.
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What are you, sponsored by cinnamon?
What are you doing?
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I wish.
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Mike, you're a nice guy. Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much. But not everyone
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is as nice as you. That's true. I think
it's important to let the audience know
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who's being nice and who's being not
nice.
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In our very first desk piece called
Nice, Not Nice.
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Marine Le Pen.
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She's French, she's blonde, and she
hates Muslims.
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She's a triple threat.
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Not nice.
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Marine world.
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The whales are sixes, the dolphins are
fours, and the only tens are the
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penguins. And they're all married.
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Nice. My lovely daughter, Ivanka.
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Her skin is like Italian marble.
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And her hair is like really great hair.
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I don't know.
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Not nice.
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The German people who booed her when she
defended me at a conference in Berlin.
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Disgusting. This is the worst thing the
Germans have ever done.
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Ever. Ever.
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ever.
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Nice.
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Nice.
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Clam chowder.
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Thick, creamy, hot. I could drink it
with a straw.
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Not nice.
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Corn chowder.
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It's fake chowder. Fake chowder.
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You're taking jobs away from hardworking
clams.
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This American cornage ends now.
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I'm going to mix it up. I'm going to mix
it up. Oh, okay. I'm going to mix it
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up. Are you ready? You ready?
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I'm ready. We're mixing it up. Ready for
it. Not nice.
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Press Secretary Sean Spicer.
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He's a muttering slobber mouth with a
taste for his own foot.
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Why?
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Why don't I fire this guy?
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Nice. Sean Spicer's TV ratings. I can't
fire this guy.
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His ratings are tremendous.
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We love ratings, and Spicer brings them
in. But we would never do anything just
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for ratings. We're too classy for that,
right, Mike?
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Mike? I don't know, Mike. I'm Mike's
evil cousin, Donald
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Pence.
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Jesus, Mike.
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Could you try a little harder, please?
I'm sorry.
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Sorry. What a cliffhanger.
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What's going to happen?
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Don't go away.
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We'll be right back.
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Who are you?
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I was
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in
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New York the other day and people forced
me to do this stupid little video. Take
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a look.
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Trump Tower, the home of my wife.
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and a source of complete and total
luxury.
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Caviar runs from the sink.
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We have steak and sofa cushions.
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So won't you join me as we go up and
visit my wife Melania in the lap of
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Hi, guys.
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Good to see you. How are you? My
pleasure. Very good. You're doing a
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Thank you very much. Wonderful.
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Wonderful. Very good.
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We've reached the top.
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The most incredible, luxurious, and
absolutely priceless
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suite in New York. Why don't we go
inside and take a look?
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Melania's no?
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Hello?
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What's the change of the lock?
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Melania!
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It's going to be incredible when we get
inside.
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When we get inside, you're going to
think it's a beautiful place.
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Yeah, we need to shoot something, so...
Why don't we go outside?
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I'll show you a little bit of the real
New York.
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We'll get a bigger piece.
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Why don't we do Trump's New York?
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Look, there's a planter.
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There's another planter. And these
barricades, they're the best barricades.
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best barricades, Bridget.
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Okay, let's just meet people.
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Let's go to Times Square. No, I'm not
going to Times Square. I'll never set
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in Times Square. I'm not talking about
Times Square.
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We're here in miraculous Times Square,
named for the failing New York Times.
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And then why don't you go to Bubba Gump
for a shrimp or whatever that is. Bubba
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Gump shrimp started by a mentally
retarded man who loves shrimp.
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And he hunted them and he gathered
enough.
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And now he sells them.
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Paul, Paul, it's an incline. I can't go
down.
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Thank you, Paul.
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And be ready. There's another one.
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Let's go get halal.
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Excuse me. Hello.
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What's this? What sauces are these?
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That was
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straight mayonnaise.
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That was straight mayonnaise.
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Excuse me. Excuse me. You, lady.
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I'm very hungry and... I can't get it in
my house. I want to eat some food.
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Now, the best thing about Wendy's is
it's square.
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And when it's square, you get the meat,
you get more burger.
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You want to get down and dirty, get some
Burger King.
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That's when everyone, that's when mama's
not home to watch you.
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Mama's not home.
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And you know you can get dirty with him.
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I'm going to throw up.
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I'm going to throw up.
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No, I'm not.
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All right, I'm ready to go.
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I'm tired.
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I want to go back to the tower, Bridget.
We're almost done, sir.
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Anything else you want to show us?
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I don't know.
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Attack!
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Oh, boy, oh, boy.
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Oh, boy, oh, boy.
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the truck.
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Hong Kong goes the truck. Hong Kong goes
the truck. Did you guys see? The truck
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goes Hong Kong.
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Did you see that? Did you see it?
Unbelievable.
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It's so crazy. And you see how it moved?
Big trucks, big wheels. And the big
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wheels go around.
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And then when you pull on the horn, the
horn goes crazy.
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And the truck's so unbelievable because
it's a tremendous truck. I wish we had a
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bigger truck. Wouldn't it be great if a
big truck came?
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Like a big truck. Big 18 -wheeler truck.
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And it rolled down.
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And then a guy showed up and he was a
macho guy.
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And he says to me, you drive the truck.
And then I get to drive the truck and I
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00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,300
get to go all the way down and I drive
it right into the river.
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00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:14,300
And then I drown in the river and I feel
the water seeping over me.
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And then the air leaves my lungs.
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And in the moment where my body starts
to react and wants air, I let go.
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00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:27,820
And when I let go, the water fills my
lungs.
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And I'm finally at peace.
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And only then do I find the complete and
absolute solitude
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that I've wanted.
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Anyway, I want to go home, Bridget. I'm
tired of this.
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00:13:43,630 --> 00:13:48,890
Well, that's my New York from the East
50s to the West 50s. Everything you need
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00:13:48,890 --> 00:13:52,590
to see. All the great sights of Times
Square and everything in between.
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00:13:52,810 --> 00:13:56,430
I don't have any idea where my wife
Melania is.
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But... I'm sure she's doing something
personally right.
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00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:04,740
Okay, Bridget, that's enough. I've got a
mound of crap in my pants and I need
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00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:05,740
someone to hose it out.
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00:14:10,260 --> 00:14:11,940
We'll be right back.
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Who is this guy? Who are you?
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00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:16,320
Who are you?
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I'll give you the papers.
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I'll give you the papers. I don't care.
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My guest tonight is a veteran
broadcaster and host of the series, The
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00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:36,240
Resistance, on GQ .com. Please welcome
Keith Olbermann.
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00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:41,700
No,
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Keith.
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00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,400
Your series is called The Resistance.
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00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:52,020
Yes, sir. So tell me.
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00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,620
What are the plans for the Death Star?
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00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,220
Where is your home base on Alderaan?
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00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,060
And does that make me the emperor?
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00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:05,840
Well,
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I'm not going to tell you where the
Death Star is at the moment.
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00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:14,480
Because you probably try to use it on
North Korea.
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It doesn't work. It works in the movies.
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00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,240
But in all truth.
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00:15:21,980 --> 00:15:22,980
You're resisting.
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00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:24,520
Are you resisting me?
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00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:27,740
Isn't it easier to give in? That's what
I say to every woman I meet.
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00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:36,260
Yeah, well, I've heard a couple of those
stories, too. But I've been able to
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00:15:36,260 --> 00:15:40,040
resist you for the 30 years that we know
each other, and I'm going to continue
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00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,040
to resist.
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00:15:41,780 --> 00:15:45,320
Now, you and I have a lot in common. The
press doesn't like either of us.
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00:15:47,140 --> 00:15:49,140
But tell me honestly.
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00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:54,880
My campaign and all the coverage I got
amounting to $3 billion, which is
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00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,420
incredible, in free coverage.
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00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:00,720
Don't you think that there is a love
-hate relationship between the
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00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:05,460
media and the Donald Trump
administration in a way that actually
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00:16:05,460 --> 00:16:08,480
presidency? Yes, I think 100%. You're
absolutely right.
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00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:13,460
It's a symbiotic relationship, yes.
Unbelievable. I don't go that way, by
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00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:14,520
way. But let me tell you this.
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00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:21,610
Now, I have a question.
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00:16:22,250 --> 00:16:23,250
Yes?
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00:16:23,830 --> 00:16:26,690
Do you miss sports? Because I pretend to
like them.
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Every day I do these shows about you, I
miss sports a little bit more, yes.
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A little bit more. Every once in a while
I wake up in the middle of the night
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going, please just put me somewhere
where I can read the scores again, yes.
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00:16:41,530 --> 00:16:44,870
But isn't that the danger, that we've
turned politics into a sport?
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That we call it horse race politics?
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And the problem is that we no longer
have discourse about social policy or
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to elevate ourselves as a society with
no great goal, but instead keep points
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policy that won't actually affect the
common person?
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You, sir.
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You, sir.
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I'm just imitating you. Can you take
what you just said and, like, tattoo it
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backwards on your forehead so you can
read it to yourself every morning?
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00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,480
Because that's one of the most
remarkable statements I've ever heard
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00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:21,720
president, and I've heard most of them.
I just blanked out. What happened?
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00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:23,319
Let's start again.
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00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:24,700
General Flynn.
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00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:27,500
Yes. This guy. What a thorn in my side.
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00:17:28,099 --> 00:17:31,800
What do I do? Why is it so important to
release these documents?
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Who has them? Do I have them? Does Obama
have them? And what's the big deal,
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really?
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Well, see, he was working for the
Russians.
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and working for you at the same time. So
there's only two choices here. Either
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he was doing things for the Russians to
get you to behave in a certain way
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00:17:50,350 --> 00:17:54,650
during the campaign and then as
president, or he was...
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00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:59,720
Your emissary to the Russians to get
them to help hack the last election in
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00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:04,100
election rolls and provide material for
WikiLeaks to help you win So it's one of
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00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:08,420
those two things or there's a small
possibility that it just looks like that
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00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:14,600
you're innocent and you should clear
yourself So you should release those
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documents or have whoever in your
administration has them release those
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00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:21,580
documents I don't know we put them out
with the Easter egg hunt. Maybe a kid
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00:18:21,580 --> 00:18:22,580
found
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00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:29,100
And Roger Stone, Roger Stone, this
weirdo, right? I mean, this guy's a
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00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:35,740
hair plug. Oh, my God. My question,
Roger Stone, isn't it strange that he
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00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:39,760
such a Nixon guy and then look what
happened? And then suddenly he shows up
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00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:43,260
again with me. Do we think history will
repeat itself completely?
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00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,860
Well, yeah, we're all hoping so. Yeah,
yeah.
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00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:51,980
About Nixon? Yeah, pretty much.
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00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:53,520
Pretty much.
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00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,020
They love me. They love me, Pete.
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00:18:58,220 --> 00:18:59,220
Only faster.
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00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:03,140
Well, you're doing a very good job. I
feel completely resistant.
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00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:05,540
Keith Olbermann, everybody.
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00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,700
Thank you very much, Keith.
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00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:11,600
We're the last one, Keith. We're the
last one, Keith.
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00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:22,900
Wow.
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00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:25,200
Wow, what an incredible show.
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00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:30,100
I dominated Keith Olbermann. We fondly
remembered Goodfellas.
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00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:34,620
And we met my new character, Donald
Pence.
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00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:35,900
Unbelievable.
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00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:41,020
Tonight, we proved we are firstly
America in a bigdiculous way.
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00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:47,440
America first is a powerful phrase with
a tremendous legacy.
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00:19:47,740 --> 00:19:51,680
It was coined by Woodrow Wilson, our
first volleyball president.
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00:19:53,290 --> 00:19:58,130
Then used by the KKK and Sky Nazi
Charles Lindbergh.
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00:19:59,870 --> 00:20:04,710
And like me, they were all hiding
something from you in plain sight.
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Me first.
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00:20:14,750 --> 00:20:16,430
Isn't that what we're all about?
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00:20:16,710 --> 00:20:21,050
My candidate didn't win the primary, so
I'm not going to vote.
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00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:27,640
I want jobs to move back to America, but
I also want 24 socks for a dollar.
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00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:33,340
I want lower taxes. I don't care if you
poison the water and deport my
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00:20:33,340 --> 00:20:34,340
neighbors.
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00:20:35,340 --> 00:20:38,240
My impressions are incredible.
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00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:48,340
A me -first country gets a me -first
president.
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00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:49,580
Me!
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00:20:50,670 --> 00:20:53,350
I've ruined everything I've ever
touched.
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00:20:55,310 --> 00:20:59,430
Companies, cities, marriages, toilets.
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00:21:01,490 --> 00:21:06,370
I will use this office to enrich myself
and my weirdo family.
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00:21:07,910 --> 00:21:10,290
Then, tweet us into a war with Hawaii.
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00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:18,410
I have the power to destroy any country
on Earth, but I promise you, It'll be
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00:21:18,410 --> 00:21:20,290
America first.
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00:21:20,870 --> 00:21:23,350
See you next week. Bye -bye.
25483
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