Original subtitles

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

And goodbye.

I'm sorry, is this part of the junkyard?

This is my living room in which I have some of our finer articles of junk. I

thought so.

May I ask you a question? Certainly.

Who gave you the idea to come through my door without knocking?

I just assumed this was a place of business, and one usually doesn't knock

before one enters the place of business.

Excuse me. Maybe you can help me out.

I'll help you out.

Face the door and bend over.

What's the trouble?

Well, I seem to be getting some rather rude treatment from your help here.

Don't feel bad. I've been getting it for years.

Help.

Help. I'll show you what help is.

Did I say something wrong?

Yeah. See, my pop doesn't know the word, the meaning of the word help.

Help. I'll show you the meaning of what help is. Listen, you see this baseball

bat? I'll help you through the door. Don't be holding me. Come on, Pop.

That's what I'm going to do, Pop. He should be locked up.

I think you better lock him up, young man. I think you just better leave now.

Thanks for sticking up for me, son.

I stuck up for you because you're my father.

I wish I could have stuck up for you because you were right.

I was right. I'm not your help.

How was that guy going to know that? And anyway, what's the difference?

What's the difference?

Don't you see the difference between a helper and the head of an empire?

That's right, son.

I'm the head of this empire.

And the head of empire is the emperor.

And there's a big difference between an emperor and a helper.

Yeah, emperor helps and a helper helps.

Excuse me.

Look, let me tell you something.

I worked a lot of years, son.

Don't try to tell me what a helper does.

And no one in the world knows better than me what a helper is and what it is

work and labor and sweat and strain. You should. You've been watching me long

enough.

I've been doing it, and I'm entitled to relax now.

Once a man builds the bridge, there's no sense building more of it, or it covers

up the buildings on the other side of the river.

Heavy, heavy.

How come I never have a pencil when you lay the big quotes on me?

When a man finishes building his empire, he's entitled to sit down and relax on

his fat throne.

Emperor, you know you're too much, Pop. You are a piece of work.

But I want to tell you, you're a great father and a good friend. But the sooner

that you realize that you're not an emperor and that you're a man working in

junkyard, the better off we'll both be.

Hi,

Fred. Hi, Barbara.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

What do you see before you?

Besides all this junk?

And that's all you see here, right? Junk.

Yeah. Nothing else. You don't see nothing else here. Not anything else,

junk here.

Oh, I got it.

It's one of those games.

Find the face hidden in the junk.

After.

Bubba, why don't you go down to the Mayo Travel Agency and get you a ticket to

where your brain has been vacationing.

What's wrong with you, Fred? What are you so mad about?

I'm mad at the world for surrounding me with people that don't see stuff right

in front of their nose.

Now, you and Lamont look at me and my empire, and the only thing you see is an

old man in a junk pile.

Well, there's nothing wrong with an old man in a junk pile.

Fred, you're an honest man in honest junk.

Well, look, maybe I could have been more than a junk man. I mean, but I got a

lot more than my father had and his father had for him.

You remember your grandfather?

Oh, he passed on before I was born.

My grandfather was a slave.

I don't know what none of my folks were.

I mean, one of them might have been a slave, a emperor, or a king.

You ought to do what that man did who wrote Roots.

He traced his family back in order to find out who he was.

Who knows? Maybe someone in your family was a king.

Or a tribal chief, anyway.

That's right. And if my great -great -great -grandfather was chief, it would

make me the great -great -great -grandfather. Grandson of a chief.

That's right.

That would be great, great, great, because the great, great grandson of a

is still a chief.

Of what?

That tribe.

That tribe probably wasn't half as good.

They need me, Bubba.

They need their chief.

Look, man, why don't you check and find out for sure who you are?

Well, I can't do that, Bubba. See, I saw that guy Haley who wrote Roots on

tonight's show. He researched nine years to find out where it came from.

See, at my age, that's a lifetime.

Yeah, I see what you mean. But you don't have to do it the way he did it.

You know, there's an ad in the paper every day about a company who will do it

for you.

You're kidding. Where?

Here in the paper.

Hold on a minute. Now, look. See?

Look. Let us trace your background, and we will... We'll send you your family

crest and coat of arms.

My family crest and coat of arms?

Bubba, you've done it. How much?

Fill out the application form and mail it in with $25.

$25 for a lousy coat of arms?

I can get a whole suit with two bear pants and a vest and umbrella with that

kind of money.

Well, it's up to you.

$25, huh?

That's right.

$25 to find out.

If I'm descended from royalty.

Wouldn't that be something?

Yeah, that would sure show Lamont who's an emperor and who's a helper.

How long did it take to find out?

Uh, four weeks.

Four weeks?

Yeah, that includes all the research and the time it takes to send this into

Burbank. Burbank?

Yeah, Research City.

That's the home base of this big company.

All right, now what else have I got to do?

Well, there's a few questions to get them started.

Like, uh, how far back can you trace your family?

Well, I think my mother once mentioned we came from North Africa, up near

Ethiopia somewhere.

Well, that's good.

Now, the rest is easy.

Name, birth date, and sex.

Well, at least I have a name and a birth date.

You also have sex.

It's been a lot of years.

$14 for this lamp, but if you don't think you can afford it, I'll try to

you something else.

That's really very nice, Mr. Sandler, but $14 seems reasonable.

You wouldn't consider throwing in a lampshade as well.

Of course I would.

Good.

Well, I've considered it, and the answer is no.

That's great.

I love a man with a great sense of humor.

Yeah, and I love a woman with a great pair of lips.

It's been a lot of years.

All right,

here's your $14.

Oh, that's fine. And here's your lamp. And thank you very much.

And I'll see you again real soon, I hope.

Hey,

that was great, Pop, the way you handled that. I like that. Yeah, of course,

son. You see, why not? I mean, after all, this is my empire, and I know how

run it.

You know something, Pop? I don't even mind you calling it an empire, because

the last month or so, you've been really great here in the house. You've been

cleaning up and everything and cooking.

Please enter.

How you doing, Aunt Esther?

Hello, Lamar and Fred.

Hello, Esther, and welcome.

What? Again, welcome.

It's so good to have you in my home. Now, if you'll stand right there, I'll

right back.

For what?

I'll look you over and tag you.

Incoming jump.

Watch it, sucker.

Hey, Pop, dig yourself.

You've been good for a month. Don't go ruining it.

Come in.

Hey, Fred.

Hey, Ruth.

Lamont. Ruth. Mrs. Anderson.

Here you go, Fred. I couldn't get this in your mailbox.

That's it. That's it. Is it from the Universal Family Research?

Yes, it is.

Thank you. Now, listen.

Go back to your pointed rounds.

And if you're waiting for a tip, go back to your disappointed rounds.

What is it, Pop? What is it? This box could contain positive proof I'm a king

and you're a prince.

What are you talking about, Prince Hampton?

Be patient. Incoming junk should be seen and not heard.

I'll let you know shortly. Hey, come on, Pop. What is it?

Wait a minute.

Look at it.

Have you eyes but see nothing?

Which would come in handy if you're looking at Esther.

See, this is our family crepe, son, right here. And look. Look at that

I am a king.

That is right there. I've been right all along.

See, that's the crown. And right there, that's Ethiopia.

That's where my family came from.

And right here.

She has a black and white hand in Domingo.

Whatever that means.

And then here's the shield showing that we were great warriors.

With a Jewish star on it.

Yeah. I wonder what that means.

That means, Fred Sanford, if I know my Bible, and I know my Bible, you are

descended of a king.

A king of the Jews.

And if you're a king, you're also Jewish.

Jewish?

Gee, that's funny. You don't look it.

That's what the scroll says, Fred.

Who ever heard of black Jews?

I did. Didn't you ever hear of Falashas?

Sure. Lola Falasha.

She's one of my favorites.

I'd like to invite her over here to see my scroll.

That's Falasha, not Falana.

They're a group of blacks from Ethiopia that happen to be Jewish.

Well, I know they're blacks from Ethiopia, but where does that Jewish

in, and where did the crown come from?

Well, I... Some people think the philoshes come from the son of King

the Queen of Sheba. Oh, King Solomon from the Bible.

The guy who had an argument with those two mothers took their kids split.

Something like that, fool.

I don't understand how the wisest of men beget the biggest turkey in once.

Kosher turkey. That's the biggest kosher turkey.

Now, wait a minute. Now, let me straighten this thing out. Now, you're

I could be a king, right? It's possible.

Well, I was right all along. Now all I have to decide is whether I like being

Jewish. Wait a minute, Papa. You're only a king if you admit that you're Jewish.

If you decide you're not Jewish, then you're not a king.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

And I'm glad you know so much about the Bible and religion and all that stuff.

Why? Because you'll be able to help Lamont study for his bar mitzvah.

Oh, hey, Bubba. Hey, is it true?

Did Fred find out that he's a king?

Well, he's got something that says he's possibly related to a king, maybe.

No kidding. Mm -hmm. Is he home?

Yeah, he's upstairs.

Yeah? Hey, Pop!

That's Sire!

Oh, forgive me, Sire.

Bubba's here.

Well, look at you, Fred.

Fred, the full name is King Frederick G. Sanford, and the G stands for gefilte

fish.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about being a king, and unless you treat me like one, I shall

name you Sultan of Central Avenue.

What are you doing now?

Figured to go shopping.

Shopping for what?

For what? Some cozy food and a stethoscope.

What's a stethoscope for?

It's the beginning of my collection of equipment for Lamont here, so when he

gets out of medical school, he'll have it.

His son, the doctor.

Yes. See you, Doc.

Can I help you?

Oh, that's all right. I'll just browse around.

You finish your lunch. I don't want to interrupt you. That's very thoughtful.

Yeah. I bet that's a very ethnic dish there.

That's right.

Yeah, well, what is it?

Chow mein.

I thought you weren't allowed to eat that stuff.

It's just some vegetables and noodles I cooked myself.

It's kosher.

Don't you eat corned beef and chopped liver?

What are you talking? That stuff will give you a terminal heartbreak.

it all day.

I'm trying to acquire taste for it. Are you a masochist?

No. I just found out I was Jewish.

You didn't have enough trouble?

Gee, I traced my heritage and found out my

ancestors were galoshes.

That's galoshes. Right.

Since I'm so new at being Jewish, I wonder if you could set me up a

kit.

If you really want to be a convert, you've got to feel it in your heart.

I feel something, but how do I know it's not the corned beef?

Does it feel genuine?

Yeah. Does it feel strong?

Yeah. Does it make you feel warm all over?

Yeah. It's the corned beef.

Can you help me?

All right.

Why don't you start by reading this book?

Is this the training manual?

Well, you could say that. It's the history of our people. It explains the

and traditions of our religion.

It looks like a lot to learn.

Where do I start?

I got an idea.

Why don't you start by coming with me to synagogue?

Our Sabbath begins at sundown on Friday.

Well, that's tonight.

You're learning fast.

Yeah, but see, the only thing, if I pay for this book, I won't have no money to

put in the collection plate for the bingo game.

We don't have a collection plate and a bingo.

No collection plate and no bingo?

How do you raise money?

Once a year, the members of our congregation pledge to make a donation.

Pledge? That's the same as a promise.

You mean all you have to do is promise to give us the money once a year? That's

right.

Hey, that's a great system.

I can't wait to read the book. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. That'll be $9 .95.

Is that by cash or by charge?

By pledge.

Hello, Grady?

Did you hear anything from Pop yet?

Okay, well, give me a call the minute you do, okay?

Okay.

No, I haven't heard anything. He hasn't checked in either, huh?

Okay, well, ask your friends to keep cruising the neighborhood for me.

Okay, buddy, bye -bye.

Any word, Lamar?

Oh, I guess you haven't heard anything either, huh?

No, and I've looked places I never would have looked.

Where?

Where? I went into bars, go -go, dance halls, one massage parlor. An

extra human into a massage parlor? For a half hour.

It took them that long to get the crook out of my leg.

But they're very talented, Lamont.

No luck on Fairfax Avenue.

Why would you look for him on Fairfax Avenue?

Well, because that's the Jewish section of town, and Pop said he was going to go

shopping for some Jewish stuff.

Maybe he didn't go at all.

Oh, he went.

Well, how do you know that, Bubba?

The storekeeper remembered him.

How did the man know it was my pot, Bubba?

Well, because there probably wasn't too many black men in a kosher butcher shop

demanding chicken fat on credit because he was the king of Ethiopia.

And by the way, I went by that place in Burbank where they made the crest.

Oh, you mean Research City?

Yeah, and you were right.

The crest is a phony.

They got ten different designs that they send to anybody that writes in.

It's a real rip -off, Lamont.

Pulfrey. I hate to see the look on his face when he find out he's been

dethroned. Yeah, poor little lost wandering Jew.

Come on, Papa, knock it off.

Hey, Pop, where have you been?

Patience, my son, patience.

As our sages tell us, it is better to ask softly and with care than to shout

like a dummy.

Where have you been?

I was so worried I got sick.

Now we even.

Where have you been?

In the synagogue.

Meet Sam Gittleman.

How are you? Can I get you something to eat or drink? No, thanks.

You're the son.

Yes, that's right. I'm the son. Your father tells me you're a wonderful son.

That's nice.

And you're the friend.

Yeah, I'm the friend. Your friend tells me you're a wonderful friend.

That's nice.

And you're the sister -in -law.

I'm the sister -in -law.

How do you do?

I see you two really got to know each other, didn't you?

Yeah, and you know what I found out? Wait a minute. Before you go making a

out of yourself, we checked on that research company in Burbank, Research

You're not a king, and you know you're not Jewish.

That's what I found out. You did?

That's right.

See, a lot of people were ripped off, and they came into Mr. Gittleman's

and he told me all about that phony company.

Well, you certainly seem to be taking it well.

I am, son. You see, I had a very good conversation with my friend, Mr.

Gittleman, and...

Yeah, and for the first time, I learned that there are many fellowships living

in New York City, and they got their own synagogue in Harlem. That's right, and

they are as truly black as they are Jewish.

And not only that, I learned that we have a lot in common with Jewish people.

See, first of all, they were slaves, too. I mean, in Egypt, 3 ,000 years ago.

I could have told you that, Fred.

Or you could have learned it for yourself if you'd bothered to pick up a

Thank you, Esther, for your contribution.

to this religious discussion.

Now, why don't you close your eyes in prayer and walk out there in the

You know, the Jews and blacks do have a lot in common. I hope their similarities

will bring us closer together.

I'm glad to meet you all.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

I like that old guy.

Yeah, I like the old guy, too. You just met him. No, I met you.

Sorry you're not a king, Fred.

Oh, that's all right, Bubba.

It was great just being king for a day.

Yeah.

By the way, I learned that Bubba is a Yiddish word for grandmother.

No kidding, Fred?

No kidding, Grandma.

And did you learn that Esther was a Jewish queen?

The most beautiful queen there ever was.

Well, somebody lied.

No, they didn't.

There's a whole story in the Bible all about me.

Oh, yeah, I remember now.

Samson flew the Philistine with your jawbone.

Hey, was it interesting here at synagogue tonight, Pop?

Yes, it was, son. But of course it was hard to follow because the service was

all in Hebrew.

Well, were you able to pick any of it up?

Well, I picked up a little.

Uh, listen.

You want the first section?

Well,

I have a doggone. Look here.

It says President Jimmy Carter thinks inflation is going up.

Oy vey.