Original subtitles

Y 'all get in bright and early before they can tell me you stepped out for the

day.

Hello, is this the tax assessor's there?

He stepped out for the day.

Yeah, you can take a message.

Tell him Robin Hood called.

I want to shove five of my merry men up his nose.

I can tell you stayed up and watched a late movie last night. Yeah, son, I like

that Robin Hood.

He took from the rich and gave it to the poor.

Ah, that's the way to whip inflation.

That's the way to whip inflation.

Where that mailman is.

I don't know.

But I'd like to know why you haven't paid the property taxes yet, Pop. They

add a 7 % penalty for that. I haven't paid it and I'm not going to pay it.

Because part of my taxes go for public transportation.

And the only buses I see around here that want to haul in kids to school,

don't even want to go to.

Come on, Pop. You can't fight City Hall. He'll just end up throwing you in jail.

Then I'll go on a hunger strike.

Goodbye, my noodle.

You know you're impossible.

Listen, son, don't worry, because nothing's going to happen. I mean, we're

going to get in no trouble at all, because, listen, do you think for one

that I would risk losing all of this?

What are you up to, Pop?

You'll see. I know I will.

I'm not kidding, son.

See, we're going to be free from the nagging, persistent pain of taxes and

everything else.

Speaking of nagging, persistent pain.

Watch it, sucker.

Nothing you can say won't upset me this morning.

I've had a good night's sleep, and I'm as happy as a lark.

Why don't you just fly on out here and dig up a worm for your breakfast?

Hey, Pop, why don't you dig yourself?

Honest is not bothering you.

That old heathen will never give me a moment's relief.

That's it. Do you know how I spell release?

now, okay?

How's Uncle Woody on, Esther? He's fine, thank you. Good. He'll be here later.

Oh. Uh -huh. Here's your mail. Oh, hey, thanks a lot.

Give me that. I'm expecting some important mail here.

Let's see.

Southern California gas.

Pacific Telephone.

Seven... 7 -11 revolving charge account.

Nothing but junk mail.

Hey, wait a minute. What's this?

Oh, that came in the mail. I guess it got mixed up with the magazine.

Well, it's got the right address, but the wrong name. This is addressed to a

Reverend F .G. Sanford of the Divine Prophet Church.

That's mine, son. That's what I've been waiting for.

This could be the big ticket.

Who's Reverend Sanford?

This is it, son.

We're on top now.

No more worries, no more bills, and especially no more taxes.

What are you talking about, Pop? Son, I've just been ordained a full -fledged,

bona fide legal minister in Divine Prophet Church.

Get my tamarind.

What respectable church would ordain a beady -eyed jackal like you?

Now that I'm a man of the cloth, Sister Esther, I suggest you behave yourself in

my church because... I'll excommunicate your face.

Wait a minute. Let me have a look at that. This can't be right.

I'm going to tell.

Hi, Fred.

Hey, what's happening, Fred?

Well, well, Brother Bubba, do come in.

Brother Bubba?

Hey, you don't tell me you got it.

It arrived this morning. Yeah?

Bubba, you are now... talking to the very right Reverend Fred G. Sanford.

And the G stands for going to heaven.

Hey, this looks legal.

Well, it better be legal because he took me for ten bucks.

Sure, it's legal, Lamont.

Didn't you see that guy on television talking about it?

Man, he's selling them things by the thousands.

Yeah, but what good is it? What good is it?

Did you ever hear of a church paying taxes?

I should build my church.

I'm a divine prophet, and that's what I call divinely profitable.

Amen!

You better not play with the good book, you old heathen, or the Lord will cast

you into the fiery furnace.

As in your case, I'm available for exorcism. I can take you somewhere and

the devil out of you.

Fred Sanford, you are...

it says in order for a church to be tax exempt it has to be a corporation man

with a president a treasurer and a secretary that's right i'm the president

you and bubba are all the president's men hey wait a minute just count me out

this because it's wrong and i don't think it's legal it is legal if the big

churches can do it then why can't the little churches do it i mean it's called

I can't believe that you and Bubba would use the church for a get -rich -quick

scheme, man. It's not right, and both of you know it.

This Bishop Lovelace guy who runs the church is getting rich, selling those

franchises all over the country. That doesn't make it legal, Bubba.

I got a friend that's a lawyer, and I'm going to call him up, and he's going to

check this thing out. But if he doesn't say what I want to hear, I'm going to

grab him by his briefs and habeas his corpus.

Well, it's legal, all right.

Constitutionally, that is.

What is that supposed to mean?

Let me put it like this.

There's no law to stop it.

You see, Article I of the Constitution states that Congress shall make no laws

respecting the establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise

thereof. You see, son, like you always told me, I need more exercise thereof.

Well, the sign application was, in effect, a legal contractual instrument.

And without saying it, Lamont, that's about all I can tell you.

Be careful.

These things can backfire on you.

Well, thanks a lot for coming over, Walter. You don't go into all the

Oh, no trouble at all. Let me know how it turns out. Okay, look.

I'll tell you what.

Just send me a bill for your services, okay? Oh, no charge.

Consider it a donation to the church.

Hey, that's very nice of you. Now, when you come to my services, I'll save you a

front seat.

Well, that's very nice of you, Mr. Sanford. But I'm of a different sect.

That's the trouble with the world today.

Too much sex.

come rejoicing, counting up the doves.

Hey, Fred, you look great.

Don't he, Woody?

Yeah. If I didn't see with my own eyes, I swear, I wouldn't believe it.

Say, Fred, you could even pass for respectable in that outfit.

And I'll drink to that.

You're not drinking here. You're not drinking nothing here.

Okay, come on, let's get down to business.

Yeah, we're going to do business. Now look, I'm officially calling the first

church board of directors meeting to order.

Yeah. Brother Bubba, you're the secretary.

Brother Woody, you're the treasurer, but I'll keep the money and you keep the

records.

Are we going to get paid for these jobs?

You'll be in my daily prayers.

Now let's get to the first order of business, which is business.

I figure between the collection of bake sales, bingo games, senior citizens'

dances, arts and crafts sales, plus fees for baptisms, weddings, and funerals,

we can make a killing.

That's right.

Say, listen, what kind of wine are you going to have for the services?

Well, we've got to keep the expenses down, so we'll serve four -minute Kool

-Aid.

And after the services, we'll open the cash bar for the Hallelujah Hour.

That's just for openers. Now, see, I can sell all this junk and don't have to

pay no taxes.

Hey, son, we just finished a committee meeting for the trustees.

What are you wearing?

This is the latest in double -knit holy casuals.

Well, I think this holiness is here to see you. Won't you come in?

I'd like you to meet my father, the very wrong Reverend Sanford.

Reverend Sanford, how nice to meet you.

I am Bishop Lovelace, the head of the Divine Prophet Church.

I'm sorry to surprise you like this, but I just wanted to stop by to wish you

luck. How do you do, your Bishop Shepard? So nice of you to pay us a

This is my son Lamont, the unbeliever.

And these are my trusted friars, Bubba Tuck and Woody the wino -hearted.

Pleasure to meet you.

Where will your devotional services take place, Reverend Stanford?

You standing in it.

Where will the pulpit be and the pews?

The pulpit will be right here, and the pews will be wherever Woody is.

Well, we'll see you later, friend. I mean, Ram. Come on, Woody. Let's go. Get

out of here.

Don't be long.

Remember, an idle mind is a devil's workshop.

Well put, Reverend. I'm glad to see your man uses the Proverbs.

Oh, sure.

Proverbs, pronouns, adjectives, adverbs. I use them all.

Frankly, Reverend Sanford, I was hoping to see a little more of a traditional

establishment for my church.

Can you make it look a little bit more like a house of worship?

I'm having a religious picture painted on the ceiling next week like

Michelangelo. You know, it's going to be Moses parting an oil spill in El

Segundo.

Excuse me, Bishop Lovelace, but did I hear you say your church? Yes, that's

right. All the Divine Prophet Associated Churches are technically my property.

You mean all the money that I make from the bingo games and bake sales and the

wine tasting contest is yours? Oh, no.

Not at all.

If you read the agreement, I only receive a small percentage.

How much? Fifty percent.

That's just a voluntary donation.

A mandatory voluntary donation.

Well, look here.

Can I ask you a question?

Why, of course.

Are you crazy?

Believe me, Reverend Sanford, when your church begins to get involved in large

land speculations, trustees, and commercial property transactions, you'll

that my services will be well worth the percentage.

Well, what else do you own? Well, technically, our contract gives me

of the Sanford & Sons junk business, your home and property, both real and

personal. Hey, now, just wait a second. This whole thing is ridiculous.

You mean to tell me that you can take over our business and throw us out of

own house? Well, of course. I would never do such a thing.

Believe me, your property is safe as long as your church exists.

Now, what if the church ceases to exist?

Well, in that case, the property reverts to the ownership of the mother church,

and I would have to dispose of it.

Of course, the same thing happens if you miss paying the voluntary mandatory

donation for two straight months.

Nice going, champ.

You signed away everything we own to a crook. There is nothing crooked about

Divine Prophet Church, Mr. Sanford. I mean, if people want to use it for

purposes, that's their business and no concern of the Mother Church.

That's right, son. And remember, to err is human.

and to lay five on this chunk would be divine.

Oh, come on.

And another thing I neglected to tell you. Your first services must take place

within 12 hours of receiving your charter, or else ownership reverts to

Don't worry, we'll have them. Then I'll leave you in peace.

You're lucky you're not leaving here in pieces.

You know, now you've done it, Pop. Now you have really done it. What are we

going to do?

Well, don't give up, son.

There's one thing that can get us out of this mess. What's that?

Let us pray.

Oh, man.

Look, I'm really worried because this thing is serious. Now, if Pop keeps the

church, this bishop is going to make our lives miserable. And if Pop drops it,

he'll take away everything we own. I mean, we can't win either way.

Man, that's too bad.

Hey. Oh, hey, Pop. I was just filling in Bubba and Jimmy on the thing. Who's

Jimmy? Oh, this is Jimmy. Officer Smith's friend.

Smitty couldn't make it. He said he wanted a policeman here, so Jimmy came.

Okay, great.

Where have you been?

I've been up in the chapel meditating.

We thought you fell in and baptized yourself.

See,

I was reading this pamphlet from the church.

Well, I hope there's a prayer in there for the homeless.

We only got four hours before we're supposed to have our first service, you

know. Yeah, what are you going to do, Fred?

Well, I was reading through the church papers, and I found out some information

that might solve our problem. Oh, yeah? What did it say, Pop? Well, see, the

church has no set rules for what kind of services you can conduct.

So you can do your own thing.

All right. If the bishop told people how to worship, he'd lose a lot of

customers. That's right.

What are you driving at, Mr. Sanford? See, the church can be fundamentalist.

Baptist, spiritualist, or anything you want, right?

You said that to say what? I'm saying, dummy, that the bishop's got a money

-making deal going and can't afford any trouble.

What kind of trouble?

I'm going to bring back some good old -time religion tonight.

That's for this.

Hold on.

Look at this. What do you mean, son? I ain't never seen nothing like this in my

life. Amanda lost her mind.

What kind of a dive pagan put on is this?

This doesn't look like any church I've ever seen. I think Esther, we should

really be getting out of here.

You know, I just want to see that Fred Stafford fall on his face.

But I think I've seen enough.

Ladies, please, don't leave yet.

I'm sure that Reverend Sanford has an interesting program arranged for us to

justify the collection he'll be making during the service.

Who are you?

I'm Bishop Lovelace, the national president of the Divine Prophet Church.

What kind of church are you running to allow a slippery old fox like him to

become a minister?

Well, don't be too harsh on Reverend Sanford. Many a wayward soul have

after receiving the higher calling and gone on to spend the rest of their lives

doing good work. I think he'll surprise you. Yeah, you can say that again.

Oh, good evening, officer.

Welcome to the Divine Prophet Church.

It's confident to see a policeman take time from his busy schedule to come

worship with us.

I didn't come to worship.

I'm here to check things out.

Police have had this place stayed out for a long time.

But don't worry, they don't know a thing.

I'm just going to wait one more minute, then I'm leaving.

It's okay.

day junkies, Fred G. Sanford. And the G stands for glory, glory, hallelujah.

Hello,

brethren and sisters.

Hi,

Fred. Uh, your, your reverend shipness.

Why are you dressed like that?

Please, sister, don't interrupt the services, or I shall have to have you

in the rear of the sanctuary.

Reverend Sanford, what is the meaning of this? The meaning of this is that we

are all junkies who practice junkism, each in every way, each in his own

Let us pray.

Bloodshed, crookedness.

up the tub, Bishop.

The tub says, the tub says,

Tut wants to sacrifice in his honor.

I will be plagued by locusts at the height of the Watts Summer Festival.

Who among you will volunteer for the sacrifice?

Great Tut, open your book.

but junk is junk.

You're crazy.

The sacrificial victim shall not speak.

Y 'all nuts.

This is an open ceremony.

I think it's only right for me, the president, to take the first quack.

What greater love is man than the sacrifice of friends?

Y 'all nuts.

Here. Here's your ten bucks back.

Tear up your church charter and anything else. You don't owe me anything.

I just want to get out of here. I want to get away from you crazy people.

Arrest them people.

Take a walk, Wonder Woman.

Okay.

Now, let's get down to business.

Brother Bubba?

Yes, sir.

You're going to pass around this collection plate.

and to get one across your lips.

While Brother Bubba's passing among you, I'm going to read our social calendar

for the week.

Our senior citizens' hustle contest and potluck dinner will be held on Friday

night.

Admission is $2 per person.

Bring your own food and your own music.

Now, on Wednesday, we're having our first annual Bigot Beer Bash.

So bring a bigot and some beer.

It was a great idea, Pop, but we still have to pay the

property taxes.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that.

Hey, man, thinking about it isn't going to get it paid. We've got to do

something. I am.

I'm going to raise hell about it in next week's service.