All language subtitles for sanford_son_s06e18_the_will

Oh, that is good.

That is good.

That is good.

That is good.

That is good.

You did? Yes, I did.

Look here, Woody, you keep an eye on
her, and I'll call the zoo and tell them

you captured a baboon that looks like a
parrot.

Fred, now you're speaking about the
woman I love.

I am?

Yes.

I love this woman with all my heart and
all my mind and all my soul.

Good. Well, you'll be all right as long
as you don't use your eyes.

Watch it, sucker.

You're getting on my nerve.

It would take Muhammad Ali, Rosie Greer,
with an assist from King Kong to get me

on any part of you.

That did it. That's right.

I've got to do big.

Mouth -to -mouth resuscitation.

I'd rather wipe the fingerprints off.

Thank you, doctor. Thank you.

Here's the ice bag, doctor.

Good.

You'll be fine, Mr. Sanford.

How much do you get for coming over?

House calls are expensive.

$20.

That's fair and reasonable.

Who called you?

I did, Fred.

Then you pay him. Hey, Pop, what is...
Pop, Uncle Woody called the doctor for

you, man.

Well, that's nice of him, but nobody
told him to call. I would have made it

right. Besides, I don't believe in
doctors making house calls.

I'm a Christian economist.

Here you go, Doctor. Thanks. No, Lamont,
that's all right. Let Woodrow pay him.

After all, I'm the one that hit Fred.

You hit me?

Yeah, Fred, I had...

a plated Bible in my purse. I forgot.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a
minute.

But what?

You don't... You mean you don't remember
Arnester hitting you?

Oh, did she hit me?

She sure did, Fred.

Police! Police!

Stop it. Police!

Stop it. I want her arrested. I want her
tried and convicted and sentenced to

the most severe...

Shouldn't my father remember being hit
by Aunt Esther?

He will, Lamont.

Obviously, he's had a minor concussion,
which will bring on temporary and

intermittent amnesia.

Huh? What's that, son?

Somebody put some amnesia in my mittens?

I'm sorry, Fred.

I really am.

For what?

For hitting you.

Fred, don't you remember I stopped
drinking when we adopted Daniel?

Adopted who?

Daniel. Our son, Fred. Don't you
remember?

I think so.

I seem to recall seeing a movie called
Son of Wolf Face.

What do you mean you can't remember what
this lady did for him?

I don't remember.

But I know she belted me with her Bible.

I always heard it. Bible Belt.

You did indeed.

And then she tried to save your life.
What did she do?

We thought you was having a heart
attack, Fred.

Why do you think that?

Because when I hit you over the head,
you clutched your head and your heart.

You mean I double clutched?

Right, Fred.

Pop, the doctor checked your heart out,
man, and everything's all right, so

don't worry.

It could have been worse, but it wasn't.
Yeah, we thought you were going.

Almost was.

And so then Esther did everything she
could to save your life.

What's that?

What? She gave you mouth -to -mouth
resuscitation.

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh!

Oh, man, man! My mouth!

Right. Oh, son, don't fall off the
floor!

Oh, quick, get rid of Flip!

I gotta sterilize my lips!

I wish you could have shamed yourself
for saying that.

Take it easy, Mr. Sanford.

If you need some rest, don't aggravate
yourself.

I don't need no rest. All I need is a
livectomy.

Come on, Esther, let's go on home now
and give Fred a chance to get some rest.

That'll be a good idea.

I'm sorry, Fred.

I really am.

I'm sorry for trying to save my life.

No, for hitting you.

You hit me? When did you hit me?

Police!

Police! Police!

Uncle Woody, thanks for coming. Bye.

Thanks for everything.

Oh, Fred.

Try to keep him quiet. I will, Doctor,
and thanks a lot for coming over.

We almost lost him this time.

You mean that, Doctor?

Yes, I do.

Man in your condition should know it
could happen any minute.

You're quite fragile and should be very
careful.

Forgive me for being so blunt, but I
don't believe in pulling punches.

I like that.

Go get your medicine and punch out for
me.

Doctor, I wanted to ask you something.

Will Pop's amnesia pass?

Mm -hmm.

In a day or two, things will be back to
normal.

Okay, so long, Doc.

But I guess I'm pretty lucky.

Yeah, I guess you are at that, Pop.

I might have had the big one.

Yep. And I wouldn't have been ready,
son.

Well, you know, I don't think anyone is
ever ready, Pop.

No, I don't mean ready for the one way
to your mother. I mean, you know, not

ready because I haven't organized my
affairs.

See, I don't have my state plan.

I haven't left instruction at the
disposal of my empire.

Well, if I were you, Pop, I wouldn't
worry about that.

Son, I must.

I don't have a will.

So what?

So what?

Do you know what would happen if this
empire fell into the wrong hands?

Yeah, it'd be some fool walking around
with his hands full of junk.

Junk.

Junk. Easy, Pop. Remember your
ammunition.

You told this dynasty junk.

What happened to empire?

Empire, right, right, right. See, all
this stuff may look like junk. I mean,

that may look like junk. That may look
like junk. And maybe that over there

looks like junk.

But you put them all together, and what
have you got? A junk pile.

Wrong. A junk pile.

I must see to it that it will live long
after I'm gone, son.

Get me a pad and a pencil.

For what?

I'm about to write my first, last will
and testament.

Get me the pencil and the pad. I don't
know where one is.

Well, I do.

It's right over here.

I'll look over here.

in the center of the castle next to the
throne with the 20th century chip in it.

I hereby leave bequest, bequeath, and
deed eternally and without recourse on

return for perpetuity in the town of El
Segundo.

It should be placed on the mayor's desk
and the plaque nailed next to it saying,

Sanford Empire, circa 19...

Wax Museum.

Well, I see you're back to normal.

Yes, I am, son.

Now get on the phone. Why?

I want you to call all the people that
we have on our special emergency guest

list and invite them over here at 7 o
'clock tonight on the spot.

For what?

For the reading of my will.

Your will?

That's right.

There it is right here.

I'm going to have it typed up today.

Sign it and read it tonight at 7 o
'clock.

Now, come on, get on the phone.

Hey, wait a minute, Pop. Let me explain
something. Wait a second. One never

reads one's will.

Why not? I wrote it, and I don't have
any secrets to keep from myself.

Pop, I mean, a person doesn't usually
have his will read until after he's

on.

That's exactly right.

And he's not around to see the faces of
everybody as they get their gifts.

Gifts? Yeah, and he's not around to hear
anybody say...

Thanks, dead guy.

Thanks, dead guy, yeah. And he's not
around to get any presents in return

the grateful living.

That's true.

Yeah, and mainly, when he gives away all
those goodies, after they go, the

government sticks their hand in and rip
off a few dollars for themselves,

whether they're in the will or not.

Yeah, right. That's called an estate
tax.

Exactly. See, Uncle Sam's just waiting
for all of us to go so that he can get

his fingers on our money.

You've seen that picture of him with his
hand out. I want yours.

That's you.

No, it's not me.

Because I'm giving away all I got before
I go.

Oh, I see. So instead of paying a state
tax, you're going to pay a gift tax.

What's that?

That's a tax that you pay on every gift
that's over $30 ,000.

Are you crazy?

Pop this. Get on the phone. Get over
there and call all the loved ones. Jump

at night at 7 because I read the will.

Lamont, I must tell you, this doesn't
appeal to me very much. There's

very unpleasant about hearing Fred read
his own will.

I know, Donna, but just try to bear with
him. He wants to do this, and the

doctor feels that the less aggravation
Pop has, you know, the better off he is.

Oh, Lamont, Lamont, Lamont. What is it,
Bubba, Bubba, Bubba?

I'm so sorry for you, Lamont.

We all were missing.

Uh, Bubba, was it quick?

Quick? Yeah, I didn't even see it
happen.

Oh, I could have been a much better
friend.

Hey, Bubba, you've been a good friend.

No, I could have been much nicer the
times that he was so mean.

I could have been more pleasant the
times that he was nasty.

I could have been more understanding the
times that he was so rotten.

Oh, Lamont, I had so many chances.

Because he was always so mean and nasty
and rotten.

Uh, Bubba. Oh, Fred, Fred, please
forgive me.

No way.

Please, I didn't.

Easy, Bubba, easy.

Sit over here, Bubba. No, just take it
easy.

Easy, Bubba.

What's he doing here?

I live here.

Still? Still.

But you said we were going to have the
reading on the will.

He wants to do it himself, Bubba.

So he didn't die at all?

Not even for a few minutes.

I wonder why he did that.

All right, all right.

All right, all right.

Everyone,

please be seated.

As your name is...

being of sound mind and body except for
a bad heart arthritis and a bump on the

head inflicted by S. Anderson hereafter
referred to as ugly

creature if I leave all my worldly goods
to the following people in the

following way rise Donna oh Fred please
please honey please don't argue with me

on this day when I have a pain in my
head

All right.

To the beautiful Donna, who has been a
dear and trusted friend, an average

kisser. Fred!

Well, you don't hug hard enough.

Do you mind?

I'm sorry.

To Donna, I leave all the pictures I
have of me.

Oh, Fred.

Yes, that includes my baby picture with
my little rear end uncovered.

It bears a striking resemblance to
Esther.

Wow.

It also includes my sixth grade
graduation picture, which is my

I think the sixth grade was a wonderful
period in my life. I was young,

innocent, had no problems whatsoever.

Those were the best three years of my
life. Thank you, Fred.

Yeah. The only picture that's not
included, Donna, is one of Elizabeth and

the wedding. I understand.

Yeah, that I leave to my only son, as
far as I know.

Lamont.

Thanks, Pop.

Yeah. More about Lamont later.

That's it, Donna. You may thank me now.

Thank you, Fred.

See? Bad hooker.

All right, Daniel Anderson, please rise.

Hello. Hello, Uncle Fred. Hello, Daniel.

Now, Daniel, you've been adopted by
Esther and Woody.

Now, I know that they love you, and I
know that you love them.

That's true, Uncle Fred. And when you
have love, you have everything.

That's right, Uncle Fred. So you don't
need anything from me, except some good

advice. To my nephew, Daniel Anderson, I
leave the following advice.

What's that?

When you need strength, son,

and manly support, the best one to turn
to... is your father.

Well, you need love and understanding.

There's no one better to turn to than
your wonderful mother.

That's lovely.

Turn to her. Just don't look at her.

You may thank me for that advice one
day.

Thanks, Uncle Fred. Uh -huh.

Rollo, whatever your last name is,
please stand up.

What do you mean you don't know my name,
man?

Because I'm not good with numbers.

Pop, is Rollo in your will or isn't he,
man? Because I don't think you should

embarrass him if he's not.

He's in the will.

He's in the will.

Let me tell you again, he's in the will.

To Rollo, I leave all the loose change
I've left on tables and under cushions

since I moved into this house.

All right.

Thanks, Pop.

I'm not finished.

I also left Rollo all the pieces of
silverware and knickknacks displayed on

bric -a -brac shelf.

That's cool, too. Uh -huh.

You will find them all collected
together in one simple place.

Where is that?

Your house, criminal. Drop it under your
bed.

Oh, man, that's cruel.

I'm taking a walk.

Why not?

You're taking everything else.

Bubba, stand up.

You're my trusted friend and loyal
companion.

Oh, thanks, Red.

To this wonderful human being, I leave
my checker set.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you don't have to say anything.

It's for Grady. Drop it by his house.

Well, what about me, Fred?

I'm getting to that.

To Bubba, my devoted sidekick, a man
who's been like a brother to me.

Oh, Fred, I didn't know you considered
me your brother.

That's right, Bubba.

To you, I leave a deck of playing cards
with which I've won a small fortune over

the years.

That's all right.

You can find the deck.

In the secret drawer, along with my
coded key to the little markings.

You mean you've been cheating me all
these years?

Yes. And you call me brother?

Yes, yes. Long lost, brother.

Mostly lost.

Sit down.

Now, Woodrow Anderson, please rise if
you can.

Now, you know there's really no reason
for those kind of remarks, Fred. You

I've quit drinking. You know that.

I don't know that.

Pop, I think you should lie down and
rest now. It's been a very long day for

you. I'm reading my will, son. I'm fine.

But you're starting to have those memory
lapses again.

I said I'm fine, didn't I? Now, be quiet
or I'll disinherit you. Now, all right

now, Bubba.

Bubba? No, Woody.

Woody. Oh, yeah, Woody.

To my dear friend, Woody, I leave all of
my handkerchiefs.

Hey, thanks, Fred.

Yeah, see, they're all oversized and
make great blindfolds.

Perfect when you come home at night and
pin the tail on Esther.

Hey, it's me, Pop.

Pop, who are you?

Who are any of you?

Who are all of you? I don't know none of
you. Who am I?

Quick, what did he call you? Where am I?
Oh, Fred.

Fred, what did I do to you?

Fred. Fred, who?

You, you, Fred.

He may have lost his memory, but he sure
didn't lose his eyesight.

Hey, are you sure he wouldn't be better
off in a hospital, doctor?

No hospital.

I'm not sick. I'm just having trouble
remembering I'm healthy.

Doctor, I'm a nurse. I can stay here
with him if you like. I think that would

fine. Where is everybody?

I was reading my will, and Woody was
correcting me for thinking he's still

drinking. And what was Woody wearing?

A gray suit, a green striped tie, and a
tan shirt.

Is that right?

Hey, that's exactly what he had on.

I think we're all better now.

What was wrong with you, Doc?

And I will call back tomorrow to make
sure.

Do you want to pay me now, or shall I
bill you?

I'll pay you.

We paid you once today, didn't we?

This is my second house call, Mr.
Sanford. Your swelling has gone down,

you've got your memory back.

Twenty dollars, please.

Memory?

What memory?

Dollars.

What's dollars?

Pop. Pop. What's pop?

Don't pay him, son.

Don't pay him. I can't remember
anything.

You can remember how to cheat him.

Here you go, doctor.

Okay. I'll show you out. Thanks a lot.

Thank you very much. All right.

Thank you for coming.

You're welcome.

Oh, Esther!

Oh, my goodness!

Honey! What's the matter, Aunt Esther? I
just feel so bad about what I did to

your poor father, Lamont. But, Aunt
Esther, he's all right.

Respect me.

Stop it, Fred.

Now tell her you're all right.

She's been standing outside all this
time crying over you. Now tell her

all right.

Well, nothing. Now just go ahead and
tell her, Pop. All right, Esther. I'm

better. Really? Really.

Oh, Fred, I'm so relieved.

I would never forgive myself for hitting
you. You hit me?

Please! Please! Stop it, Fred.

Fred, why must you be so cruel to me all
the time?

I'm not cruel to you all the time.

Didn't I send you a bale of hay during
Be Kind to Animal Week?

Hey, Pop, that's enough, huh?

And I did include you in my will.

I had enough of your lies.

Lies. Lies.

Where's my will?

All right, take it in.

Give me my will. All right, just a
second. Here.

Here it is. Now, listen to this.

Here we go.

Let's see.

To my sister -in -law, Miss Esther
Anderson.

who I have insulted in jest, embarrassed
in anger, attacked in self -defense, I

feel she is entitled to a fair and equal
treatment.

With all the love and understanding in
my heart and soul, I leave her alone.

Sit down, son.

No, I'm not going to eat. See, I got a
date.

No, this is only going to take a second.

All right. What is it? Well, I don't
want you to think I forgot you.

Hey, I know you didn't forget me, Pop.

But I mean, I want you to know that
aside from all those little things that

gave everybody, I want you to have all
the rest.

See, I leave you the entire empire and
the full respect of the emperor and all

the emperor's love.

That's in your will?

That's in my... All right.