Original subtitles

Hey, Bubba.

Hold him for me a minute.

Glad to, Fred.

You're freshening this up here.

It's going to be perfect.

Hey, Bubba. Where are those rubber bottle stoppers?

They were on his plate a minute ago.

Well, what do you think of it, son?

Hey, it's beautiful, Pop. You really went all out.

Yeah, of course I did. How many times am I going to cater a bridal shower for my

son's fiancée?

Yeah, Janet's going to really love this.

Is there something bothering you, son?

Huh? Something bothering you?

No, Pop. Why?

You just acupunctured a cupcake.

I guess I just got a lot on my mind.

Well, I know how you feel, because everybody gets a little nervous before

big plunge.

Really? Sure. How do you think I felt before I married your mother?

Nervous. Nervous.

How do you think Bubba felt before he married his wife?

Nervous. Nervous. And how do you think Woody felt when he married your Aunt

Esther? Nervous.

Nauseous.

I guess you're right, Pop. Maybe I am just a little nervous.

I get it. Come in.

Oh, Lamar, this is such a glorious day.

I just love bridal showers.

Oh, it just reminds me of my beautiful courtship with Woodrow in our wonderful

wedding.

I remember your wedding, Esther.

Never forget it.

Three ushers with a crush trying to help give you away.

How would you know, Fred Sanford? You spent the whole night with your face

the punch bowl.

Yeah, and when you took your veil off, Woodrow spent the whole night with his

face over the dolly bowl.

You just jealous because you didn't catch my garter.

Oh, that's because when you threw it, it was so stretched out, you lassoed the

band.

Watch it, sucker.

And at the time, the band was playing your song.

Never forget it. The love theme from King Kong.

Hey, come on, Pop. This is supposed to be a happy occasion, man. I don't go

spoiling it by starting a fight with Aunt Esther.

Thank you, Lamont.

You know, Daddy, to be here in a few minutes, we better get busy.

Yeah, you'll have to leave, Lamont, see, because it's bad luck for the groom to

see the bride take a shower before the wedding.

It's not bad luck.

Woodrow was at my bridal shower.

Woodrow saw you in the shower?

I'm sorry I'm late, man.

Hey, man, where you been, Rollo? I've been sitting here for over an hour

for you, man.

Oh, man, I was discussing politics with Marion Hastings. She's very liberal.

Really? Yeah, she kept saying, uh, more to the left, Rollo, more to the left.

You understand me? Yeah, yeah, I understand, I understand.

Say, look, man, when are the other guys going to get here?

What other guys?

What other guys? This is my stag party, isn't it, Rollo? You know, they had

dates tonight, but they wish you the best.

Thanks a lot.

It's okay, man. Look, this is the way it should be. The groom and his best

friend. Huh?

I mean, you can't beat that. Look, I even brought you a present.

Hey, man, you didn't have to do that. You got me a present.

It's all right. Open the thing, man.

Thanks a lot, Rollo. What is it?

Hey, man, it's a combination of nightlight and skillet. They call it the

flashing...

Give us two glasses of your best house wine. Oh, who's the lucky fellow?

Well, I'm the one that's getting married.

Oh, then you're the lucky fellow.

Congratulations.

Would you like some good advice?

No. Do exactly what I did. Don't be henpecked and be sure to marry for

Well, if you marry for money, how come you wait in tables?

My wife owns the place.

No.

Look, would you just bring the wine, please?

Hey, Lamar. Hey, man, I'm sure gonna miss you, Jack. Hey, man, we had some

times together.

What you talking about, Rallo?

Had some great times, man.

I'm just getting married.

Ain't nothing changed.

Are you sure you're ready for marriage?

Rallo, I don't even know her name.

Oh, you mean Janet.

Yeah, yeah, Janet. I guess so.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you should, Dad. Well, I don't dig marriage just for me.

I mean, I dig security and home cooking and all that jazz. So why don't you get

married and give up sex?

Oh.

Hey, you really cleaned up, baby.

Oh, I got some terrific presents, Lamont. And little Roger, he had such a

time helping me open all my gifts.

Oh, will you see all the things we got?

Well, maybe tomorrow.

I'm a little tired. You know how those wild stag parties can get?

No, tell me about it. No, I can't do that. You'd be too embarrassed.

Try me.

Okay. Try to let your imagination run wild with you. And when you get to the

part about me and Rollo sitting in a bar alone having a boring conversation,

stop.

Just the two of you?

No, no, there were some other guys there. Let me see.

Tom Collins showed up.

through there for a while.

And there was some black Russian dude whose name escapes me at the moment.

What happened to the rest of your friends? Why didn't they show up?

Well, they were out with girls having a good time.

Oh.

Were you sorry you weren't with them?

No, are you kidding? I'm glad that my single days are just about over.

Well... I gotta get up early in the morning, so I better leave.

Night, Mama.

Night, Mary.

Oh.

Did you forget something?

Hello,

Dad.

John.

It's been a long time. What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I'm stationed here now, and I just wanted to talk to you.

I don't understand.

Mom, I can't sleep.

Hey, Roger.

Daddy!

Hey.

Lamont? No, Lamont's my son.

I'm Fred G. Sanford.

And the G is for Guadalcanal.

Want to see my diary?

Well, you're a veteran.

That's right.

Oh, did you see much action?

Well, only on leave.

Come on in. Thank you. Mr. Sanford, maybe you can help me.

Yeah, well, I carry a large stock of military memorabilia. Oh, well.

I'll show you.

Look here.

Now, these are the original bottle shorts worn by Teddy Roosevelt during

charge up San Juan Hill.

Only $9 .95.

But this is just a burlap bag.

That's why they call him the Rough Rider.

Mr. Sampson, really, I... I know, soldier. I know you're a little short of

but don't worry.

I mean, you're just in time to qualify for the Sanford's son military discount.

All you have to do is serve in any of the armed forces or have watched two Bob

Hope Christmas specials.

Mr. Sanford, I don't want to buy anything. I just want to talk to your

Lamont. Well, Lamont's not home, so you can talk to me.

Well, it's kind of personal. I think I better talk to him myself.

Listen, would you do me a favor and ask him to meet me at Kelly's Bar, say at 6?

Are you a friend of his?

Well, no, we haven't met, but we do have something in common.

I'm a friend of Janet's.

She's going to be my daughter -in -law.

Where do you know her from?

Well, we went to the same wedding a few years ago.

That's nice.

I'll give Lamont your message.

Thank you, sir. Wait a minute.

Since you're a friend of Janet's, I can give you a break on these shorts.

Six dollars.

Forgive me, Teddy.

I think I'll pass.

But don't be hasty now. I mean, this is a chunk of history here. Every time you

look at these, you can hear the immortal words of Teddy saying... Remember the

mane. No.

Pass the salve.

Uh, excuse me.

Yeah?

You again.

You're back for more advice?

No. I'm looking for somebody in a uniform.

How about a cute little nurse?

Or did you have your heart set on a doormat?

Never mind. I think I see him.

Lamont? Yeah.

You must be Janet's friend.

Well, actually more like a relative.

Oh. That's right. You're Janet's brother.

But she doesn't have a brother.

Oh, I know. You're her cousin that's in the Army.

No, her cousin's in the Navy.

It's her ex -husband that's in the... Ah.

Waiter.

Could you make mine a double?

late gentlemen well just go whenever you're ready and i'll turn on the light

like to propose a toast to you and janet no no allow me to you

and send it to janet when

you told me you wanted jennifer i wanted

to punch you right in the nose your wife i wanted to Punch you right on the

nose. Oh, why didn't you?

Well, because I wanted to find out. I wanted to hear the whole story first.

Well, do you still want to punch me in the nose?

I don't think so. I don't even think I can find it. Well,

I wouldn't blame you.

Janet's worth fighting for.

Yeah, she's some woman. I can see why you want her back.

Yeah, I love her, Lamont.

We had a great relationship when I blew it.

What happened?

We got married.

I mean, we were too young when we got married. I was immature and

We fought all the time.

Finally, we just decided that the best thing to do was to get a divorce.

Well, what makes you think it's going to be different this time?

Because I'm different.

I see. Yeah.

I'm going to make things different this time. The Army had taught me...

how to be a better husband.

I know when to keep my mouth shut, and I do as I'm told,

and I make bed check every night.

And I know I can make Roger a good father, give him somebody to look up to.

Here, son, drink this.

Hey, Pop, please, don't say drink.

No, this will make you feel better. It's my own recipe, guaranteed to cure a

hangover. Drink as much of it as you can, and what's left over, we can use it

salmonize the truck.

What's in it?

Well, just a little castor oil and a pinch of vinegar and some bat hair.

I know this might sound a little strange, but where did you get the bat

Out of y 'all, that's just cone.

Well, maybe later, Pop. Not now.

Okay, suit yourself.

I hate to waste stuff.

She changed the hairspray.

Lamont, I've never seen you like this.

Yeah, and you'll never see me like this again, Pop. I feel awful.

Yeah, you must.

Last night you came home and hung your clothes in the closet.

I always hang my clothes in the closet.

Yeah, but usually you take them off.

Well, I had a good reason to get drunk, Pop.

All I know is some guy asked you to meet him and you came home smashed.

It wasn't just some guy, Pop. It was Sergeant John Lawson.

Otherwise known as Janet's ex -husband.

Isn't that nice?

He heard y 'all were getting married and came to congratulate you.

Wrong. Then what did he want then?

Janet.

Oh, I see.

Janet told him to get lost and you helped him drown his sorrows.

I'm not sure what Janet told him, Pop. I don't even know how she feels.

Well, you better get on over to Janet's and straighten things out. I can't do it

now, Pop. I feel awful, man. I gotta go lie down.

Yeah, but what about Janet and that G .I. Gigolo? I'll take care of that.

I'll take care of that later.

Okay, son.

Well, if you need me, I'll be watching television.

Thanks a lot.

Over at Janet's.

Janet?

Janet?

Janet?

Hey, baby, I'm glad you came back.

What are

you doing

here? What are

you doing here? What do you mean what I'm doing here? I'm about to turn you

a five -star general.

No, no, no, man. Wait a minute. Just let me try and explain, okay?

What? I know what you're thinking. You don't think I should be here. No, that's

not what I'm thinking. I'm thinking about giving your face alteration and

can pick it up Tuesday.

Oh, wait. Mr. Sandberg, please.

Please. I'll explain to you. You mind if I sit down, please? I got a terrible

hangover. Well, start talking.

All right.

Oh, look. I know it's hard to understand, but try and put yourself in

position. You mean lay down there with you?

Try to see things my way, that's all.

Amen. Wait a minute, Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, all I did is come over here this morning and see Janet and my son,

and they went out, and I passed out on the couch. I mean, that's all.

That's all? You're trying to take Janet from Lamont? No, I'm not trying to heal

her. Look, Mr. Sanford, I don't think that Janet wants to marry Lamont. What

you talking about?

Lamont and Janet are very happy. I mean, we'd had a...

Look, I didn't know Janet was engaged when I came back. I just wanted to see

and my son and ask for a second chance.

What about Lamont?

Well, I don't mean to hurt anybody. I mean, he's a nice man. But, uh, look, if

Janet wants to marry him, then I'll wish him good luck and ship out.

You mean it?

Yeah. My word of honor, one soldier to another.

Yeah, I was one of the best.

crashing in the Pacific in 1942.

You mean a zero shot you down out of the skies at Iwo Jima?

No, a bigot threw me off the pier in El Segundo.

Bubba, I wish there was something I could do to keep Lamont and Janet

What? No, you can't have your gift back.

Now, hold on, Bubba. There's someone at the door.

Come in.

Hi, Dad. Janet, I'll be with you in a minute. Okay.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Mayor.

Yeah. You were saying how wonderful it was for Lamont to rescue those three

people from that burning building.

Oh, well, I told you to forget the gift. I mean the reward.

Yeah, Lamont never accepts rewards for routine bravery.

Yeah. Bye, Tom.

two, three people from a burning building?

Well, actually, it was four. See, one woman was pregnant, and Lamont helped

deliver the baby on the way down the ladder.

Isn't he wonderful?

Yes, he is. Yeah.

Is he home?

Don't say nothing to him about it, because you know how modest he is. Yes,

know. I won't. Good.

Hi, Janet. I was just on my way over to see you.

I couldn't wait.

I have to talk to you. Yeah, we do have a lot to talk about. We sure do.

Pop, this is just between Janet and myself. Would you mind excusing

But I'm an expert in domestic affairs.

Good. Go wait in the kitchen.

This is really difficult for me.

Well, maybe I can make it a little easier for you, Janet.

See, um...

I'm not sure if I want the responsibility of having a wife and a

You're not?

It's just that I need more time to think, and I think you've got some

business. Ever since John came back, I've been confused.

I don't know what to do.

Hey, baby, if you're confused and I'm having doubts, there's only one thing we

can do.

Will you hold this for me?

You know where it goes.

it's only temporary i hope so there's just one other thing what

i love you

Everything's all patched up. I thought you two might like some more real good

and a bowl of warm menudo Where's Janet she left pop she's gone. She gave me

back mom's ring. She put it in the drawer You mean the wedding's off. I'm

so Your

mother's

wedding ring beautiful son I mean, maybe one day you'll be able to slip it on

the girl's finger, the right girl's finger like I did.

Is it final?

I think so.

Gee, I feel so bad.

Hey, come on, Pop. Pull yourself together, man.

I guess you won't be moving out the house.

Well, not right now.

It's a terrible thing to happen.

Hey, would you stop it? Now, if I can take it, you certainly can.

Yeah, but can Charlie Phillips take it?

Who's that?

That's who rented your room.

Hey, Pop, I can't believe you rented out my room, man.

Well, I only did it for the money. I figured that since you were married and

a family to support, that I could use the extra money.

Hey, I can understand that, but everything's changed now.

Yeah, we can still use the extra money.

What do you mean?

Well, you've always said... How comfortable this couch is here.

Hey, now, wait a minute. I don't think it's right to have some stranger

in the middle of our living room. I don't consider you a stranger, son.

Will you stop that? I'm going to call this Charlie Phillips. You got the

I'm going to get this now, and I'm going to call.

I'm going to call the number.

Hello.

Hi, Freddy.

Hello.

Who are you?

I'm Charlie Phillips, but everyone calls me Charlie.

Show me my room.

Your room?

So I'm waiting for the money.

Come on, Chuck.