Original subtitles

Testing. One, two, three. Testing.

I took one look at you.

That's all I missed to do.

And in my heart.

Hi, Frank.

Hi.

Since when did you stop knocking?

I decided it was boring. Every time I knock, all you ever say is, come in.

Well, how does get out grab you?

I'm busy. I'm busy.

Busy? You ain't doing anything but just dancing around and singing.

No, I wasn't. I was testing my new pocket -sized tape recorder.

Just testing.

Only 11 bucks.

11 bucks? That's pretty cheap.

All it needed was like a couple of transistors, a new microphone, a brand

motor, inexpensive carrying case, and a rebuilt speaker.

The whole $11 tape recorder only cost me $93 .15.

Hey, that's a real steal.

Steal is right.

Yeah, living proof the crime doesn't pay.

How would you like to be dead proof that ignorance is bliss?

What do you need it for, anyway?

I get a lot of labor -saving ideas, Bubba, and I'm working too hard to write

them down, so with this, I can just dictate.

Listen. Lamont, be sure you get to the bank tomorrow.

Lamont, dig me up some beer on your way home.

Lamont, drop off my suit at the cleaners.

Lamont. Hey, how about Lamont do everything?

Lamont, do everything.

Thanks, Bubba.

Hey, your voice sure sounds good, Fred.

You like to try it?

Uh, no. I wouldn't know what to say.

Why, the cat got your tongue?

Yeah, that's right.

Well, if you trained the one that got your brain, you'd be in business.

I get that.

It's my dog.

Well, what do you want?

And if I ain't got it, I'll get it.

Listen, my name is Fred G. Sanford, and the G is for great body.

I'm just a man you got.

Come in.

Hello, my name's Bubba Bexley.

Hi, I'm Miss Wallace.

You don't miss by much.

Well, I'm interested in renting a room, and the people next door at the Sanford

Arms said that you were the proprietor. Not only am I the proprietor, I own and

operate the place.

This must be your lucky day, because I was all filled up, but I got one

Large. a lot of vacancies, Fred.

How'd you like your teeth to vacate your mouth?

Oh, listen, uh, Mrs. Wallace, you go next door, and I'll be right over there.

I'll just get the pass case. Oh, sure.

Hey, Bubba. Yeah?

Did you see her gorgeous lips?

Yeah. Her luscious hips. Uh -huh. And that fantastic body.

Yeah, calm down, Fred. Calm down.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Yeah, but Bubba, I'm 68 years old and my hook is beginning to rust.

Well, frankly, Mr.

Sanford, you see, now normally this room goes for 20 bucks, but because of the

bicentennial celebration, I'm going to let you have it for, watch this, 1776.

Well, why don't we be a bit more patriotic and recall the year Columbus

discovered America?

1492?

I'll tell you, let's compromise and stop at that historic year, 1675, when

Baskin discovered Robbins.

Well, I'll take it. Wonderful.

Now, listen, if you need anything, you just call me and I'll come running.

With those legs?

Oh, I almost forgot. I only have one house rule here at Sanford Arms, but I'm

very strict about it.

All visitors, including boyfriends, got to be out of here by 4 a .m.

Well, you don't have to worry about me, Mr. Sanford. You see, I don't have any

boyfriends.

No boyfriends?

Well, you know, just remember this.

Life is full of surprises.

Your keys.

Surprise.

I just checked into a dump called the Sanford Arms.

Yeah, yeah, I'll be ready to do business in a couple of days.

No, I'm using my Miss Wallace disguise.

Effective? Some dirty old man just kissed my hand.

Changes in the night.

It's changing glances.

Changes in the night.

Morning, Pop.

It's a beautiful morning, son.

It certainly is. What's for breakfast?

What would you like?

Well, I'd like to have some eggs and some toast and some coffee. Me too.

We're having Pop -Tarts and Tangs.

Well, what's you doing?

See, I'm making a little arrangement for next door, the Bicentennial Suite.

The what?

The Bicentennial Suite.

Well, what you spraying on those flowers, pal? Well, they didn't smell

so I'm just spritzing them up a little bit with some shaving lotion.

Strangers in the night, exchanging glasses.

Hey, I take it you were in a spare room to a woman.

She's not a woman. She's a lady.

She's a vision.

She's Diane Carroll, Shirley Bassey, and Lola Villana all rolled up into one.

Well, either she's very pretty or she weighs 300 pounds.

Let me put it this way then, son.

If I was on a desert island, I'd want her to be my girl Friday.

Saturday, Sunday.

Wait a minute, I'll get it. In your mood, you might steam up the windows.

Hey, Javi.

Mr.

Sanford.

don't have time to answer that question, Lamont. You see, we're here on official

police business.

But unofficially, I mean, just as a person, I'm fine. I mean, as far as that

goes, I'm fine as a policeman, too. But you see, I don't have time to discuss

all this. Get on with it, Hopkins.

Oh, right.

Fred, Lamont, this is Sergeant Perkins.

Plain clothes.

I can see that, and the tie stinks, too.

Well, what can we do for you?

All right.

Here's what's going on. No, it's what's coming down.

Oh, yeah, right. What's coming down. Well, what goes up must come down. I

that.

Glad to take it, Sergeant.

You see, we've had this guy, Alex Hacker, under surveillance.

And last night, he was spotted going in and out of the Sanford Arms.

Well, if he's still spotted today, it's probably measles.

No, what he means, Mr. Sanford, is we saw him. We suspect that he's visiting

of your tenants. Have you got that picture, Sergeant, so we can... There

There. Recognize that face?

No, I got a great memory, but I never saw that face before in my life. Me

either. How many tenants have you got over there? Well, there's a newlywed

couple over in the bridal suite, but they couldn't have done it. They've been

the room for three weeks.

And then there's your mother.

Yeah, nobody would want to visit my mother.

I mean, she doesn't have any friends, you see, in this neighborhood.

She's, uh, El Blanco.

And then there's George over there, the ex -con.

Yeah, he works out at Hollywood Park cleaning up the stables.

His parole officer won't even visit him.

Now look, Mr. Sanford, who Hacker is visiting isn't important.

The thing that matters is who is Hacker visiting.

Well, if Hacker's a cripple, why don't you arrest him?

We don't have enough evidence. We've got to wait for him to make his move.

And that's where you come in, Mr. Sanford.

We'd like to use your house for stakeout.

Naturally, you'll be reimbursed by the city for your inconvenience.

We're not interested.

There is also a reward.

We're still not interested.

The reward is $1 ,000.

We're not doing it for the reward.

We're doing it because we're good citizens. Right, sir?

What's this guy Hacker supposed to have done, anyway?

Well, he's a fence.

Now, he is a very smooth operator.

He often works in disguises, but, uh... Well, Sergeant Perkins can tell you all

that. Go ahead and tell them all that, Sergeant Perkins. You told them all

Oh, well, then, in that case, they probably already know.

Then just forget it.

Well, what do you say, Pop?

Well, son, I can think of 500 reasons apiece why we should do our civic duty.

Uh, you got a deal.

Good. Well, I got to spit.

That's split.

Oh, right. Split.

I, uh, I've got to go across the way and, uh... Say hi to El Blanco.

That's me, Madre.

I'll be back as soon as I notify headquarters.

See you later.

Hey, how about that proper $1 ,000 reward, man? Do you know what I could do

my $500?

Yeah, you could throw me and Miss Wallace the biggest wedding watches ever

Wedding? You just met the woman yesterday.

I know, son, but she swept me off my feet.

I mean, any moment now, I might pop the big question.

But, son, listen.

When we have children, I'll always love you the best.

Look, forget about me. What about Donna?

Donna who?

Donna who? Your fiancée. Pop, you've been engaged for five years, man.

your loyalty to her?

Oh, yeah, Donna.

Well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to $500 for the toll.

Right now, I'm going to warn Miss Wallace about this guy, Hacker.

I see you, son.

Compliments of your host, me.

Oh, but you shouldn't have bothered, Mr. Sanford.

Besides, I'm allergic.

You allergic to flowers?

No, aftershave lotion.

Oh.

Hey, was your first night at Sanford Arms comfortable?

Marvelous. Who's living in the mattress?

Oh, the mattress is part of history. See, George Washington scratched here.

Well, uh...

What did you want?

Nothing to worry about. It's just that the police saw some cheap crook hanging

around here last night.

Really? What was his name?

Uh, Alex Hacker. You haven't seen him around, have you?

Goodness, no.

But thank you for warning me.

Well, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Sanford, I really do have to get dressed now.

Well, go right ahead.

Hey, listen, how would you like to go out with me one night for dinner?

Real soon. I'm afraid I'm busy tonight.

Uh -huh. And tomorrow night.

Uh -huh. Well, maybe if this week's too bad, maybe next week.

Oh, uh... I'll be available.

Don't forget it. I'll let you know.

Hi, friend.

Hey. Hey, Lamont. It's only about the $1 ,000 reward.

What are you going to do with your half?

Bubba, I'm going to be very patriotic.

Are you going to buy saving bonds?

I'm going to spend it like a drunken sailor.

Sure took you a long time just to deliver a bunch of flowers.

Bubba, maybe that wasn't all I was delivering.

You mean that you... I mean, did you... Don't ask no questions, Bubba.

A man does not kiss and then go shoot his mouth off.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Sanford.

Lamont told me I'll be bunking with you.

Well, Lamont is full of bunk.

Doesn't your room overlook the Sanford Arms? That's right.

Well, I'll be bunking with you.

Say, the photo lab worked up these pictures of Alex Hacker for me.

I'd like you to take a look at them.

Hey, he looks different in every one of these pictures.

Yeah, like I said, sometimes he works in disguise.

Hey, look, Pop. There's a picture of him disguised like a woman.

That's not Hacker. That's Miss Wallet.

You're right, Fred.

That's her.

She's Hacker.

Oh, no.

No.

No.

No. J .B.

J .B. What is it, Mr. Sanford? My pop's got a crush on the guy next door.

Well, they sure had your number.

In four days, you must have eaten over 500 pounds of food.

I told you you'd be reimbursed by the city.

Yeah, but the way you're eating, they're going to have to give me El Segundo.

Hey, listen. How much longer do you figure this steakhouse is going to take?

It's hard to say. Sometimes it lasts as long as two or three weeks.

Two or three weeks? That's ridiculous.

Well, if you had an empty room next to Hacker's in the Sanford Arms, I could

have stayed there and maybe even heard enough to bust him.

Yeah. Too bad his walls don't have ears.

Too bad your face got a mouth.

I'll be in my room.

That's my room.

Don't you forget it.

Too bad his walls don't have ears.

His walls don't need ears. Long as my pocket got them.

430 sharp.

Who is it?

Ready Freddy.

Just a minute.

The dirty old landlord again.

Probably bought me a box of candy.

Be there at 430 sharp, all right?

Just a minute.

Hey, is something burning in here?

That must have been my hair dryer.

I just washed my hair.

With what, white owl?

Well, I'm very busy, Mr. Sanford. Was it something that you wanted?

Well, I'll get right down to it. You see, I know what business you're in, and

got a proposition for you.

Well, I have a good mind to slap your face.

And you do, and I'll...

were a gentleman.

Well, that makes us even. I thought you were a lady.

Well, you can just get out.

Not before we do business, hacker.

See, you can drop all that old Miss Wallace jazz, but I know who you are.

Alex Hacker.

Yeah? How'd you find out?

Well, the police told me. They've been staking you out for about four days.

Yeah, well, they can just keep on staking, because they ain't got nothing

I'm too smart for them.

Yeah, I know.

That's why when I found out that you deal in stolen merchandise, I decided to

business with you.

Really? Well, I don't deal in junk.

Yeah, well, I got junk outside there in the yard, but people come to me with hot

stuff all the time.

You know, appliances, color TVs, watches.

Yeah, well, only a fool would mess with some stuff like that.

Yeah, well, you do buy stolen stuff, don't you?

Sure, but big stuff.

Yeah, yeah, could you repeat that? I got this bad ear, a little louder.

Sure, but I deal in quality merchandise. I fence stuff like diamonds, furs,

stocks, and bonds.

My ear went out on me again. Say that again louder. Oh, you heard me. Yeah,

yeah, I heard you. I heard you. Thanks a lot.

For what?

Thanks for letting me know what kind of stolen stuff that you deal in, Mr.

Hacker. And if somebody comes to me with something special, Mr.

Hacker, I'll get in touch with you, Mr. Hacker.

It's me.

Oh, come on in, Bubba.

Hi, Lamont. Where's Fred?

I don't know. I think he went over to the apartment building.

What? You mean even after he knows that she's a he, Fred is still bringing him

flowers?

Oh, no.

Not Fred.

I got it.

I got it right here.

What you got, Pop?

Our $1 ,000 reward, son.

Hey, Fergus, come on down here.

Hey, Lamont, get a piece of paper so we can figure out how to spend this money.

You just had to dictate it into your machine.

No, no.

No, no. See, we'll figure out how much we got. See, this is just the state's

evidence. I got Hacker's whole confession on here. His confession?

it, Pop?

I bet he sweet -talked him out of it.

Hey, President, will you stop feeding your face long enough to listen to this?

Listen, I rewind the tape. Don't bother. It won't do us any good.

You've been listening to too many sirens.

I got Hacker's confession right here on tape.

It's inadmissible evidence.

What you did was blow the case.

What I did was your job.

Now, while your tapeworm was working overtime, so was my tape recorder.

I got a hacker that spilled the beans.

This is of no use to me in a courtroom.

Why? Because you can't eat it?

No, because it's illegally obtained.

Well, what do you mean?

It's inadmissible.

You mean a hacker can just walk out of here and can't be touched?

That's right.

As pretty as he may be.

Well, don't feel too bad, Pop. At least you gave it a good try. A good try?

I gave it a great try.

A thousand dollar try.

One shot, you lost a thousand dollars and your best girl.

How would you like one of these where you sneeze?

Hey, come on, Pop. Cheer up, man. I know you feel bad.

But at least you're a good sport.

You fixed Perkins that nice casserole.

Yeah, he sure whooped it down.

He loves Japanese food.

Japanese food? What was in that?

My tape recorder.

Look, Pop, it wasn't your fault and it wasn't his fault. You didn't mean to

the case.

I know, son, but I feel bad about it. And I feel bad about you.

Me? Yeah, I didn't want to say anything before, but I was going to give you a

whole thousand dollars.

You really mean that, son?

Yes, son. I figured that I'd give you something that I never had before.

What? A thousand dollars.

Wait till you hear this. Wait until you hear this.

You didn't hear this, did you? What?

Well, the crime is solved. It's wrapped up. It's all finished.

You mean my tape is admissible and your money is acceptable?

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford, the tape didn't do it. Well, what did?

Well, about a half an hour ago, Hacker left the Sanford Arms dressed as Miss

Wallace, and Bubba just happened to be in the neighborhood and decided to

him. No, no, not Bubba.

Just happened. I bet he just happened to get the reward, too. Yeah, that's

right, Mr. Sanford, but now wait till you hear what he did.

Wait till you hear this.

Are you sure you didn't hear this? Well, you go on and tell me. Well, Hacker

went to the Pancake Palace, and Bubba observed him going into the ladies'

Hacker went in the ladies' room? That's right, after he took the out -of -order

sign off the door. You see, that way he knew no ladies would be in there. Oh, I

get it. It was a setup. There was a guy in there waiting for him, right?

Ma, you did hear this, didn't you? Well, anyway, Hacker was in there, and he

bought some stolen bonds and fenced some hot diamonds right under the nose of

Bubba, who happened to walk in only seconds later.

You mean to say they didn't notice Bubba in the ladies' room?

Well, they noticed him all right, but they never suspected he was observing

them. How could they not suspect?

I

feel

terrible, son.

This whole thing has been very embarrassing. Come on, Pop. Don't take

hard, man. I mean, how did you know that Miss Wallace was hacker in disguise?

In a great disguise.

Yeah. Well, you fell for him, Pop. You fell for him. I mean, he had style and

charm. You saw it deeper than just his physical appearance.

It could have happened to anyone.

Twice?

What do you mean, twice?

Did you see how cute Bubba looked when he came in here?

Pop, Bubba didn't look cute.

That's because you didn't look deep enough.

Bubba has an extra special quality.

What? A purse with a thousand dollars in it.