Original subtitles

64 minus 81.

23 minus 107.

Minus...

What

are you up to, Pop?

I'm up to hearing debt.

Lamont, the San Francisco Empire is on the brink of a financial ruin.

If we don't do something fast... We're going to fall right on our asses.

I know, Pop, we haven't had a customer in over three days, man, but I don't

you to panic because I'm going to go get some stuff on the truck that I know

will sell.

All right?

Where was I?

36 minus... What?

Minus 23.

How do you do? I'm Timmy, the sign man. My sign.

I'm Freddy, the junk man.

My fist.

Go away.

Okay, but it's going to cost you money.

Cost me money?

You see, this week I'm having a sale.

All my signs are inexpensive.

Even if they were free, I couldn't afford one.

Ah, I know. Things are slow all over. You can say that again.

Don't have to.

Shall I stick it in the ground?

You're close.

Sir, I can see you're a desperate man.

I think I can help you. How can you help me?

I mean, have you ever heard of the lucky number contest?

You mean that's where a proprietor gives away stuff free? That's right.

Those gimmicks never work. A friend of mine had a gas station, and he used to

give away silverware, dishes, glasses.

And?

And he went broke.

That's just it. He didn't make the gimmick attractive enough.

What do you call a trafficking?

Let's say $200.

Let's say... Goodbye.

Wait a minute. You don't understand.

No, you don't understand.

You see, goodbye means that someone is leaving the house.

And since this is my house, you understand?

But $200 will draw the customers like flies.

When I want flies, I leave out some sour ham hocks.

But it won't cost you $200. All it will cost you is a small printing fee.

What? Listen, sit down, please.

You see, I make up a sign for you and put your name on it. In the middle,

there's a flap with the lucky number under it. Then I print up the lucky

tickets for your customers.

With every purchase, you give away your ticket.

Then in a month, you remove the flap and there's the lucky number.

And there's where I kill myself because I don't have the money to pay the

winner.

But you don't need the money to pay the winner because there isn't going to be a

winner.

You mean when I take the flap off and show the lucky number, nobody's going to

have it? That's right.

You mean the flap off is the rip off?

And the beauty of it is that no one is going to know.

How do you figure that? Because no one ever knows who wins these contests.

Everybody checks for their own number.

Whoever bothers to find out who won.

The police.

And if they find out, they're going to give me an unlucky number across my

chest.

What you're talking about is illegal.

Maybe theoretically, but not morally.

That's very good.

So you see, no one is getting cheated.

Meanwhile, you've made them happy. You've given them something to look

to. Something to dream about.

You've made hundreds happy.

And only one of them could have won anyway.

You know, you're right.

I'd be a good Samaritan.

I'd be doing those poor fools a favor.

Putting a little hope in their lives.

How much is this hope going to cost me?

I can give you the whole thing for $25 and have it here in the morning.

It's a deal.

Good.

Hey, Timmy, look, this is really not going to cost me any money.

Let's make the prize $500.

$500? Yeah, I don't want my friends and neighbors to think I'm a cheapskate.

You got it.

I'll have it in the morning.

Well,

he bought it.

He went for the lucky number con.

Oh, that's great. Greater than you think.

This joker upped the prize money himself.

$500. Oh, $500. That's fantastic.

Now we wind up with $25 for the printing, plus the $500 you're going to

this. The winning ticket.

Good morning, Mr. Safford.

Here's your lucky number sign and your lucky number tickets.

And here's your $25.

Thank you, Mr. Sampage.

Hey, listen, you know, Timmy, this is a great idea, and I haven't told my son

yet, but I bet he's really going to be surprised at the results.

I think you'll both be surprised.

Well, I've got a lot to do. I have to be running along. Bye.

I got to surprise him.

Here you go.

That's what I want to show you.

What's so funny, dummy?

It's just that the printer made a mistake, but don't worry about it. He

it. Fix what?

Well, see, he left a decimal point out, and instead of saying $5, it says $500,

you know.

That's what I ordered.

Papa, are you crazy? No.

This idea is going to put us on easy street.

Is that where the poor house is located?

That's your trouble, son.

You think too small and worry too big.

I'm going to take this outside and see how it looks.

All right.

What's that?

Oh, it's the sign I had made up announcing my new contest, Bubba.

What kind of contest?

Uh, see, all you have to do is buy something at the regular price, and I

you a lucky number ticket, and you get a chance at the grand prize.

Well, what's the grand prize?

$500?

That's right, Bubba. You see this flap here?

Yeah. Well, under that flap is a number. And when the contest is over, I live up

the flap, and if you got the number on your ticket... You are the winner.

Hey, Fred, can I buy something now so I can get my lucky ticket?

Yeah, Bubba, let's see.

Oh, here's something.

Here's a $2 worth of outstanding sewer pipe.

That's worthless, Fred.

Bubba, this isn't just any kind of sewer pipe.

This is from the sewers of Paris.

See, the French Underground used this in World War II for an escape route.

Hey.

I'm freaking sure we're skinny.

I'll take it.

Okay. Here.

Here's your money.

Now give me my ticket.

Here's your ticket.

Want the gun for it?

Well, how's it going, Pop?

Oh, great, son. I'm making money hand over fist.

And why don't you put a fist over your face?

Why don't you shut up, you old fish -eyed weasel face?

I mean weasel -eyed fish face.

Look who's talking.

Jaws' mother.

Will you guys stop it? Now, Aunt Esther came over here to look for some junk so

that she could take a chance on winning the lucky number contest for the church.

We figured if we win the $500, we could put on a biocentennial play for the

church. Yeah, and you can be the rear end of what Paul Reveal was writing.

Aunt Esther, why don't you look around the yard and see if the church could use

any of this stuff, okay?

All right, little ma.

I'm going to go inside and get myself a cold drink, Papa. Go ahead and take your

time, son. I can handle it.

Pardon me, may I help you?

Yes, as a matter of fact, you can.

I'd like to buy this table.

Fine. Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Uh, no. What is it? Well, I'm taking account of a survey.

And I'd like to know, did you come because of our lucky number contest?

Uh, yes, as a matter of fact, a friend of mine told me about it. But I tell

this table, I've been searching high and low for exactly such a table.

Uh, how high?

Well, uh, 1118, right?

You didn't look high enough.

$81 .11.

And $2 for exercise tax.

Exercise tax? Don't you mean excise tax?

No, exercise.

Exercise I'm going to get helping you put this in your car.

Okay, I'll take it.

And, uh...

Here's your money, sir.

And 11 .10.

There you go.

Your lucky number ticket.

It sure is.

You're not even the least bit concerned, are you? About what?

When was the last time you gave up $500 without getting something in return?

Last April when I paid my income tax.

That's your half of the profits we made in the past three weeks.

There's $175 here, Pop.

You mean to tell me we've only made $350 since this contest started?

That's right.

That's just great, Pop. We hold a lucky number contest to make money, and it

ends up costing us.

Not true. It's not going to cost us a penny.

And how do you figure that?

Well, I don't want to tell you this before, but... I made a deal with the

printer, and there isn't any lucky number.

The only numbers you have to worry about is numbers on them green ones.

The number under the flap doesn't match any of the tickets.

Pop, are you kidding?

That's against the law.

Only, uh, theoretically.

But not morally.

Well, I can see that somebody put those words into your mouth. What are you

going to tell Bubba Pop? The man's got his heart set on winning this contest.

Bubba knows that all of his life, the odds have been against him.

Pop, if this thing were legitimate, he would at least stand a chance.

I don't know how to tell you this, Pop.

What?

I'm ashamed of you.

That's how to say it.

If anybody wants to change his mind, just return your purchase with your

And I'll refund your money, of course.

Because you'll blow your chance of winning the $500.

Come on. Pull the flap, Red.

Yeah, let's get on with it. All right. Good luck, everybody.

Of course, everybody can't have good luck. But what I really want to... Why

don't you just shut your trap and open your flap?

Ready? The lucky number is...

If you got it, anybody got it, bring it right up and claim your money.

Oh, nuts.

Come on, let's go, Esther.

Oh, cheer up, Bubba. There's always bingo.

76987 going once.

Well, I guess the winner isn't here. Excuse me, Mr. Sanford. Sorry that none

my friends won. Excuse me, Mr. Sanford. I got it. I won. There it is.

Oh, I don't need that. You can take the losing ticket and tear it up.

No, no, hold on, Mr. Sanford. As I was saying... Mr. Sanford, hold it.

This is not the losing one. This is the winning one.

It's the what? The winning one.

What are you talking about? The winning number, 76987.

That's not the winning number. The winning number is 76987.

Mr. LeDuc, there must be some mistake.

Look, there's no mistake. I mean, I got the winning ticket and I want my money.

Don't worry. You're going to get your money. It's just that we don't keep that

much cash around the house.

Look, I understand that. I just want to know when am I going to get it.

Just give it to him now, son.

I'll tell you what. You come back later and I promise you you'll get your money.

Yeah.

Well, I know I will.

Because if not, I'll just have a little talk with the police.

Now what are we going to do, Pop? We don't have that kind of money.

Let's start speaking Portuguese.

Then what?

Then we apply for foreign aid.

There's something fishy around here, Pop. First you make a deal with this guy

for this lucky number contest. Then this joker shows up with the winning number.

I think we've been had, Pop. Those guys are working together.

Well, I'm sorry, son. The business was bad. Let me look at these tickets.

Now, these are just ordinary tickets that you can have made up at any

store, Pop.

Those guys are working together than we've been had, and we can't even go to

police because you were a party to the fraud in the first place. Hold it.

Hold it right there. Listen to this.

In case of a tie, the awarding of the prize is left to the discriminating

That's discretion of the judge.

Oh, you haven't anything to worry about.

How do you figure that?

I'll tell you when I get back from shopping.

Shopping? What are you going to buy?

A judge.

Papa, are you sure this is going to work? Don't worry, son. Everything's

to be all right.

Here he comes now.

You answer the door and look happy.

All right.

Come in, Mr. LeDuc. You got my money?

Yeah, just right over here.

I'll get it, son. I wonder who that could be.

Nobody's supposed to come here.

Well, hello, stranger.

Praise the Lord.

Today is my lucky day.

Why, because you looked in the mirror and it didn't break?

What do you want? I'm the winner of your lucky number contest, and I want my

money. What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the money I got coming on this ticket turkey.

You call me a turkey again, I'll base you with a couple of these.

Doesn't it seem to be a little confusion here?

What's the matter, Pop?

Well, this lady says she's got the winning ticket, too. Wait a minute, wait

minute. That's impossible.

Well, you must be reading that wrong. Let me have a look at that.

Seven, six, nine, eight, seven.

This is really strange. There are two tickets with the same winning number.

Yeah, and I get the feeling somebody's trying to pull something around here,

I don't understand it. I don't understand it either, but it looks like

has a legitimate ticket, and you got a legitimate ticket, too.

Your ticket is legitimate, isn't it? Well, of course it is. You gave it to me

yourself when you sold me that table.

Oh, that's right. I remember.

And you gave me mine, too, bingo brain.

Well, there's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to go by the

rules. Rules? What rules?

The rules on the back of the ticket.

In case of a tie, the awarding of the prize is left to the discretion of the

judge. Well, there's no judge here.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, judge!

Yeah? You're on!

Come to order!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I mean, what's going on here?

And who's this supposed to be? Well, like I said on the ticket, in case of a

tie, you got to have a judge.

Mr. LeDuc, this is Judge Beckley.

Just call me your bubble ship.

Well, Your Honor, I get the feeling somebody's trying to cheat me.

Is this man calling me a crook? Well, hold it on, Esther. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Now, everybody just cool it, okay?

Now, there appears to be two tickets with the same number. What do you say,

Judge?

Well, seeing that the printer who printed those tickets is probably the

this whole mess, we'll all adjourn to his place of business and have a talk

him. And we'll pick up a policeman along the way.

Policeman? Wait a minute, Mr. Sanford, we don't need a policeman, do we?

Sure we do.

An ambulance.

Oh, with my heart condition, I could have the big one any minute.

It would be the printer's fault, too.

And that's murder in the second degree.

Yeah, my murder. Hold it. Look, Your Honor, there's got to be something else

can work out here.

All right, lady, look, how about if we just split the money?

So be it.

$250 to Mr. LeDuc and $250 to Mrs. Stranger.

Mr. Sanford, you pay Mrs. Stranger, and Mr. LeDuc, you get your half from the

printer. The printer?

Case closed.

Wait a minute, Mr. Sanford. You can't allow this to happen. Oh, I feel the big

one coming on.

All this aggravation is killing me.

Killing? I'll call the police.

Hold it. Hold it, Your Honor. Okay, fair is fair. I mean, when you're right,

you're right. The lady has got the $2 .50.

Anybody want to buy a table?

I didn't think so.

I ain't giving you nothing, you old heathen crook.

I'm trying to win something here for the church, and you're here running a

crooked game.

This money's already been earmarked to do the work of the Lord. If

you don't give me my money, you're going to be earmarked for some

intensive care.

Well, what about me, Esther? I help, too.

That's right.

Here's $50 for you.

And the rest is for my church, praise the Lord.

Thank you, Esther.

Hey, Fred, when's your next contest?

Right now.

How would you like to take a chance on getting out of here with my money?

Just hold it, Pop. Now, let Bubba keep the money because you were wrong. And at

least this way, you're halfway on us. And besides, we got a pretty nice profit

to show for you, Pop.

You're right, son.

That's right.

You're a fine young man, Lamont.

Fred Sanford, you ought to...

for sending you such a wise son and two wonderful friends like Bubba and me.

She's right, Pop.

She's right. Yeah.

Thanks for sending me such a wise son and for sending me two wonderful

friends like Bubba and Esther.

That's wonderful friends.

But since I only need one wonderful friend, please, Lord, Pick up the tall,

one that's your convenience.

It's the guess how many jelly beans in the jar contest.

Well, how many beans are in there?

How should I know? The winner of the contest will tell us.

You know what?

There's only one way to tell how many beans are in that jar.

Huh? Start counting.

One, two, three.

Hi, Fred. Hi, Lamont.

Oh, hi, Bubba. What you so happy about?

I just bought my highest game, 185.

186.

18?

What? Bubba, why don't you stick a 7 -10 in your right ear and put a...

stick a 10 -pin in your left ear, and split.

What are you so mad about, Fred?

Because I'm counting these beans here for a new contest, and you keep throwing

me off.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What does the winner get?

The bowl and the jelly beans that are left.

One, two... Hey, Lamar, did you see that football game last night? No, I went

out last night. Bubba, who won?

The Rams pulled out in the last quarter.

31 to 27.

28.

seconds left to play. 46.

Over 70 ,000 fans.

70 ,001.

70 ,002 seconds.

Bubba. Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

That's okay, Bubba.

Hey, you're losing weight, aren't you? See?

Hold it right there, Bubba. That gives me an idea for a new contest.

What, guess how much weight I lost?

No. Guess how many beans and bubbles...