Original subtitles

Go back to my little grass chat.

Aloha, son. Guess what?

What's going on, Pop?

Well, the junk dealers of America are holding their annual convention in

And guess who's going?

Well, I can guess who's not going. Us.

Why not?

We can't afford to go to a convention in Hawaii.

We can't even afford a seminar in El Segundo.

They send all the information in the mail.

Reservation forms, free drink tickets.

Uh -huh, and an acre of alfalfa.

Do you hear me?

They want me to get in the mood.

Hey, Pop.

Hey,

Pop.

Could you stop it?

Look, we can't afford to go to Hawaii. Now, you know that, don't you?

Well, son, I've been a member of the association for 35 years, and I've never

been to one convention.

Pop, it costs money to go to Hawaii.

There's hotels there. Three hundred dollars.

But that includes three banquets, tickets to the lectures, and the theme

year is junk as a way of life.

Plus the two of the islands and roses in your room for you and your loved ones.

That's you, son.

We can't afford to go, Pop.

But it's nice thinking about it. Yeah.

Like a king.

diamond head, golden sand, the pounding surf.

Just relaxing, taking it easy, waiting for the night to fall and the patinas to

do the same thing.

Hearing that great music running into the ocean, walking along the shore.

Oh, I wish we could go, son.

We interrupt this program for a late news bulletin.

A daring daylight robbery at the Pacific Jewelry Company has netted thieves over

a million dollars in diamonds.

Police have no clues to the identities of the criminals, but Hawaii Five -0

reports that an all -out effort is being made to make sure the diamonds do not

leave the island.

We'll have further reports as they become available.

We repeat, the Pacific Jewelry Company was robbed today of over a million

dollars in diamonds.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Now that you've sold all of these diamonds, can we go home now?

Right.

I'm really sick of this, son.

I miss Oakland.

Hey, did you check the airport?

Yep.

That cop's all over the place. We'll never get past him.

What about the cruise ships?

It's the same thing.

Look, with our record, they're going to search us from head to toe.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

What this means, we're going to have to find some real... clean pigeon to get

them diamonds back into California for us, huh?

But he's got to be stupid enough not to know he's carrying them and to let us

have them when we get there.

Well, all this work talk is very boring.

The Lions Convention is still in town, so I am going down to the lobby.

Those lions are cute.

And when you're out at the Junkman's Convention coming in soon, you might get

yourself elected misused.

What junk men are coming?

I don't know. It's the Associated Junkmen of America.

Then we're in business.

Consider those diamonds out of here.

Yes.

I'm calling for Mr. Smith in room 702.

Do you have a reservation for Mr.

Fred G. Sanford for next week?

No?

You will.

Would you mind telling me what this is all about?

See, back in my neighborhood, there's a junk dealer.

That's just the cat we're looking for.

This Fred G. Safford?

That's him.

He is our pigeon.

He's better than a pigeon.

The G stands for Gooney Bird.

I've got it.

Told you I'm coming, didn't I?

Are you Fred G. Sanford? That depends.

Depends on what?

On why you're here.

Now, if you're here to get, I'm not him.

But if you're here to give, you got the right man.

Well, I got a telegram for Fred Sanford.

Who's it from?

Well, how do I know? Are you him or not?

Suppose it's from somebody asking for money.

Well, suppose it's from a relative who dies and leaves you a fortune.

Well, what if it's from my cousin telling me he's coming to sponge on me

month? What if it's good news? What if it's bad news?

Look, why don't you take it and don't open it?

Then how will I know if it's good news or bad news? All right, then don't take

it, then. Are you crazy? It's for me.

Sign right here.

That Western Union guy sounded pretty upset.

What did he say?

Well, he said it stopped raining in the house, but the drip was still there.

Well, now that you've given the weather report, what do you want?

I saw the Western Union guy coming here, and I figured he was probably bringing

you a telegram with some very important personal and private news.

And I came over to see what it said.

Here. You open it, jump in, seal yourself up, then you'll be the world's

piece of junk mail.

Oh, come on, Fred. Open it up.

All right.

What

is

it?

I'm going to go back to my little brass shack.

Hey,

Pop, I thought we were going to forget all about the convention.

But we didn't agree to turn down a free trip to the islands.

What are you talking about?

Dear Mr. Sanford, you have been selected to appear on a panel to discuss the

problems of the neighborhood junk dealer.

Your ticket will be delivered if you accept this invitation for you and your

loved one to come to Hawaii and attend this convention.

Please confirm by calling area code 808.

555 -6767 at noon Los Angeles time.

Signed, Mr. Smith, Convention Coordinator.

Didn't I tell you it was good news?

Hey, that's hard to believe, Pop. A free trip to Hawaii for two.

It's wonderful, isn't it, loved one?

Sorry, Bubba.

I owe this to Lamont. He works hard, you know, doing the pickups and delivery.

He deserves the trip.

Hey, thanks a lot, Pop.

I'll give you a good price for your ticket, son.

Hey, look, Pop, why don't we get this guy Smith on the phone to find out if

thing is legit?

Okay, it's just about noon now.

I don't know. You think this is gonna work?

Don't worry.

Now, remember what you gotta say and try to get it right.

I can do it. I can do it.

Now, would you like me to sound like Sybil Shepard or Faye Dunaway?

Just answer the phone or you're going to look like Charles Bronson.

Junkman of America Convention Headquarters.

Sybil speaking.

Hold on, please.

Who wants a Mr. Smith?

It's me, me.

Oh.

Hello, this is Mr. Smith talking.

Oh, Mr.

Seifert.

You can, huh?

Well, we are delighted to hear that. We knew we could count on you.

Look forward to seeing you on the surf.

Yes. We'll just check in and wait to hear from you.

Aloha.

It's legitimate?

Just wait till everybody hears me going to Hawaii.

I can't wait to see Esther's face.

Well, I can.

What for?

You should get your money back, because they must have had a broken bristle on

the brush when they spray -waxed your face.

Watch it, son.

Hey, Fred's going on a trip, Esther.

To Hawaii, Aunt Esther. He's been invited.

Why? They running out of diseases?

Be nice to me, Esther. I was going to bring you back a grand skirt for looking

out for the place for me.

Oh, thank you, Fred.

Well, what would I do? What do you do with a gray skin?

Grease.

Now, would you two just stop, okay?

I'll get it. Come here!

Fred G. Sandford? Yeah.

Oh, uh, I have your tickets for Hawaii and all of your reservation information,

plus a, uh, small token of the association appreciation for your

in the seminar.

Uh, have a wonderful trip, sir.

I only travel first class. Oh, but those tickets are two first class tickets.

That's good. Well, I guess that's about it. Except Mr.

Smith will contact you after you check in.

Goodbye, sir. Goodbye.

Hey, that's unbelievable, Pop. Man, they really got them tickets here fast.

Yeah, I had Mr. Smith about to call right away.

Wanted to make sure I didn't change my mind.

It's absolutely vital we catch these crooks before they get a chance to get

diamonds off the island. Understand?

I've all got mug shots of every well -known heist artist in the business, and

got a line on every one of them.

They haven't made their move yet, but they will.

Well, now, suppose they get some stranger to help them. You know, pull

suitcase switch.

Ah, the old suitcase switch, hmm?

Well, just keep your eyes and ears open, you understand?

And I want you to know these men are armed and dangerous.

So if you see or hear anything suspicious, shoot first, ask questions

it? That's all.

Go. Hold it a second, Bert.

Just what is the old suitcase switch?

Hey, look here, don't pay my father no mind, man. See, he's so upset about

flying a plane that he's got mouth lag.

Hey, man, forget that, man. You're lucky, man.

Hawaii, all them beautiful ticks, my ties.

Well, what do you think?

We think you look ridiculous.

This is what they wear on the island. Yeah, but you're not on the island now,

Pop. You're on Central Avenue, and you might not make it out of this

neighborhood in that outfit.

Hey, look here, Pop. I think you look great, man. And those Wahine, they're

going to go wild over you, man.

Those who?

Wahine. Check.

Hey, man, look here. You're going to the land of paradise.

And leaving Lion Country Safari.

Just come on in on us. We were just getting ready to leave.

Rollo's going to drive us to the airport.

Yeah, man. Let's put these bags in the truck. All right.

Esther, I want you to know I appreciate you looking out after my empire.

That's okay, Fred.

I live by the good book.

Do unto others and turn to other cheeks.

You're not doing nothing to me, and one of your cheeks looks just as bad as the

other.

Hey, Pop, I think we better book, man. It's getting late.

All right.

Don't worry about a thing.

Thanks a lot, Aunt Esther. Listen, as soon as we get to Hawaii, we're going to

send you a postcard.

And Janet has promised me that she's going to come over here on weekends and

help you and Woody out.

Don't worry about nothing. Just have a good time. Thank you.

And you too, Fred.

And take care of yourself.

Where is these guys?

Up here in first class, you get to have anything you want. Well, I want to go

home.

Hey, pilot.

Yes?

Are we in trouble, sir?

Yeah, how are we doing here?

Oh, just fine.

Hey, you the pilot? That's right.

Well, this is my first long flight.

Yeah, mine too.

Uh, how long does it take to get to Hawaii?

I don't know. We've never made it.

about this time, our pigeon is wending his way through the wild blue night.

And then you got everything erased?

No problem.

I got the duplicate case and the car.

In that case, we better get changed and get ourselves over to the airport and

make sure that our little pigeon lands safely.

Wait a minute.

What do you think?

The way they've been hanging around, it doesn't look like they're in a hurry to

get off the island.

Maybe we're wasting our time.

Let's keep an eye on them anyway.

They're the only lead we have.

Would you like some more wine, Mr.

Sanford? Just a touch, if you don't mind.

If you'd like, you can take some of these leftovers to the tourist section.

Well, I think they're getting along just fine. Well, that's good. I like to see

the ordinary people enjoy themselves.

We're serving fresh pineapple and macadamians. You do like macadamians,

you?

Yes, as long as they don't live next door.

Oh, no, macadamians, a famous nut of the island.

You should meet Bubba Bexley, a famous nut of the mainland.

Well, you just ring if you need anything.

I need the washroom. Well, it's to the back of the cabin, sir.

Okay, is this the first class line?

Yes, we're all first class.

Well, go to the back of the class because I'm in a hurry.

Well, you'll have to wait like the rest of us.

All right.

Have you been to Hawaii before?

Oh, yes. We go every season.

Oh, really?

I usually head for the south of France.

San Tropez or Trini Lopez.

What made you choose Hawaii this year?

Well, they have lovely washrooms on their flights.

Now, let me show you.

Behind me.

No way. I paid to sit up front. and I'm not going to look at your tail section.

Well, I never.

Well, I have, but not since I left Wadi.

I guess in time, that's his plan.

Can't wait to see him.

He'll be easy to spot.

That's the guy, ma 'am. We got it made.

We got it made.

I think he's cute.

Wells and Davis seem to be

interested in this flight.

I'll get the passenger lit and we'll start checking them out.

Hey, that's a put -on. He can't be as stupid as he looks.

He is.

Looks intelligent to me.

You a rock looks intelligent.

You sure he ain't gonna give us any trouble?

If he does, he won't need his return ticket.

No, he won't need nothing.

Well, Pop, we made it.

It's just like being on my honeymoon again.

That's nice of you, but I think you had too much wine on the plane.

I don't mean you, dummy.

I mean the idea that we're on a real holiday, free, on the house, paid for.

It's just like the honeymoon.

Well, who paid for your honeymoon?

Mom. Why?

I was broke.

You know, you're really something, Mom. That's what she said, son.

Hey, there it is.

Look at this, son.

Welcome. Gentleman of America.

Yeah.

Hey, how many shells I owe you?

What? You know, shells, coconut chips, whatever you use for money here.

Partner, you explain to this old guy. This is America.

The pay is six bucks.

Yeah, I'll give it to him.

No, don't take it out, Pete.

It's a honeymoon.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Mahalo.

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah. You're another one in your mama.

Air conditioning is here.

And you've got your radio and your television controlled from here.

And if you take your elevator down to the cabana level, you can get your

and your towels.

Is there anything else you need?

Just dial your number 8.

Oh, thank you very much.

Is there anything else you need?

Look, I know when you check somebody into one of your fancy suites, you

one of your big dips.

Oh, no, no. Not really, sir. Thank you.

Will that be all?

Unless you want to sing us two choruses of sweet salami.

That's my line.

Yeah, that too.

What quiz show did you guys win for this trip?

The dating game, Aloha.

Hey, Pop, do you believe this?

This is unbelievable.

What's unbelievable is that there are people that can afford this.

Look at it.

This must cost $20, $25 a night.

No, Papa, $135 a night. What?

$135? That's right. Well, don't step on the carpet.

Are they crazy? That's more than the down payment on my first house.

And then they threw in the refrigerator.

Hey, you know, Papa, I'm really proud of you, man, being important enough to be

asked to come over here and speak and get all this for free.

Yeah, that's good, but wouldn't it be something if we could afford to travel

like this any time?

I let you down, son.

Would you cut it out? Now, we got an empire, remember?

That's no empire. It's nothing.

I'm nobody.

I'm a failure, a loser.

And you better start disagreeing with me, or else I'll give you five across

lips. You're nothing and you're not a failure.

But I'm a loser and a nobody.

You're somebody, Pop.

And you're my Pop, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I get it.

These are delivered for you.

And forget the tip.

I'm writing you off as a tax loss.

Pushy.

Look at this.

Hey, there's a card. What did the card say?

Oh, hey, Pop, it's from the convention chairman, Mr. Smith.

He just wanted to welcome us to Hawaii, and he said he'll be in touch with us

later. Well, let's go and unpack and head for the beach. All right, I'm glad.

Hawaii is calling.

Hey, Pop, where'd you get that outfit?

Uh, Bubba gave it to me for a going -away gift.

Oh, yeah? It looks adorable.

Yeah, his wife cut it down for him to pay for his slack.

Well, I guess if you live in a $135 -a -day suite, you can afford to wear

outfits like this.

Yeah, hey, when's David getting something in my Hawaiian drink?

Hey, I don't know, Pop. The sun and booze just don't mix, man. It could hit

pretty hard.

Listen, son, you only live once. Let's celebrate.

Everything's on the house.

Yeah. Waitress!

Waitress!

May I help you, sir? Oh, yes, uh... I'd like to have two Mai Tais.

Make them double and heavy on the rum.

Right away, sir. Just a moment.

What do you want, son?

Well, I'll just have one of yours, Pop.

You can't have one of my Mai Tais. You have to have one of your own, your ties.

Give him his tie.

You know, Pop, I'd like to bring Janet here someday.

Bring a girl here?

Sure. You're crazy.

That's like taking a kumquat to the Garden of Eden.

Grandjean Sanford.

Sanford and son -in -law Sanford.

We're with the junk man.

How about you?

My son and I were invited here by the committee.

We got a great big suite upstairs.

Well, at least he's alive.

This hurricane's going to hit here in about an hour and a half. It's going to

kill everybody.

Hey, your swimming trunks on fire.

You stop annoying that man. I'm not annoying this man. He's enjoying it.

how happy he is.

Hey, what are you going to tell all your friends when you get back to Tokyo?

It's Brooklyn, and I'm going to tell them some jerk's been bugging me at the

pool.

They're starting the hula lessons now, sir.

the beach if you'd like to get in on it.

Come on, son, let's go. We don't want to miss nothing.

Come on.

That old turkey's going to dance.

He'll be busy for a while.

This will be a good time to make the switch.

Yeah, I'll get the suitcase out of the car.

I'll make sure we don't leave the baby.

I want to be with all of them. Oh, sure.

Come here. Join us.

Okay, two steps to the left. Two steps to the left. And make sure I call you a

little bit. Just make sure I call you, okay?

Really make it look like this.

Okay, that's good. Okay,

Molly, what do you know? Oh, no, no, no.

it won't belong here this is a shame

What do you think?

Let's pull him in and see what we get.

Sir?

What's going on?

Do you want to come along with us, please?

Don't try to do everything the first day. Oh, son, I was born for the beach.

I got sand in my veins, and I got water on my knees.

Look, why don't we walk to the hotel room and rest before the luau? Why don't

have another my time?

Just for luck.

Pop, you've had five of those things already. Now, I know it tastes like

juice, but they're going to hit you pretty hard.

See, I'd like to try that. What?

Surfer, can't you see me now riding away?

No, but I can see you drowning in the waves. Who, me?

I can give Buster Crabbe and Mark Spitz lessons.

On what?

Grabbing his bitten.

Hello, fellow surfer. Yes, sir?

Yeah, Banzai Pipeline Sentry.

That's what they call me. Can I use your board?

Papa, are you crazy?

You've got to be a little crazier, sir.

Go ahead.

Look, son, try to get a camera, because I wouldn't want Donna to miss this.

Hold that for me.

Oh, that surfing was tough, son. It sure is.

But I did ride that wave, Andy.

Like a dream, Pop.

I must have hit my head on something.

Years ago.

I got this headache.

Must have been the pounding.

Yeah, the ice against the straw.

Maybe I'll just lay down here for a while.

No, that's a good idea. Just relax.

I'll get it.

Yes? Mr. Sanford?

I'm Mr. Sanford. He's my son.

Well, that makes him Mr. Sanford, too.

See, son, the police are the same everywhere.

They pick up one clue, and before you know it, they've figured out the whole

thing.

May I come in? Yes, sure, come in. Wait a minute.

Do you have a warrant? Pop, would you stop sounding like a crook? Come on in.

Thank you.

Well, this is, uh... This is quite a layout.

Okay, okay, let's have it.

Have what?

The ticket for drunk surfing.

No, that's water traffic division, Mr. Sanford.

I'm from 5 -0. Hawaii 5 -0?

That's right.

How's McGarrett's hair?

Well, there's been a big jewel heist, and we know the thieves are trying to

the diamonds off the island.

So?

Well, we just arrested a suspect outside the hotel, and we're checking with all

the guests to see if they saw him going into any of the rooms.

We just got up here a minute ago ourselves.

Would you, uh, would you mind taking a look at this photograph and see if you

find his face familiar?

I don't know. It seems alert for me, but I can't be too sure.

Look, we don't know him, and we don't know anything about no diamonds. I'm

as a guest speaker for the junk men of America, and I like to be treated with

all the respect that junk deserves.

Well, we have to check with everyone.

See, we know he's trying to get somebody to take the jewels back to the

mainland. Well, you can search the place if you want to. Search? Without a

warrant? What about our rights?

I've traveled all over the world.

I'm Fred G.

Sanford, and the G is for Greyhound.

All right, Mr. Sanford, but either one of you see or hear anything, would you

please let us know? We will. But honestly, if you want to search the

you're free to do that. It's not necessary.

When will you be leaving the island?

Well, right after the convention. It starts tomorrow.

I'll be seeing you.

He got some nerve thinking that we was some thieves.

Don't tell him that you know Rallo. Hey, Pop, I don't know what you got so

excited about. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. Sure, that's the way they do.

Nice and polite, yes, sir?

No, sir. Nice to meet you.

Thank you. Then pow!

20 years up the river without a surfboard.

Son, I'm beginning to feel very homesick. Why, Pop?

Because the main course reminds me of Estes.

Hey, Pop, did you taste this?

What is it? Hoyt.

Since you did so well with your lesson on the beach, would you like to join us

for a number?

Oh, no, thank you.

Where do I stand?

Everybody.

Now, we know what most of us learned in Hulu when we were very young, but once

in a while we find a visitor who catches on so quickly that we like to show them

off a little.

Please, please, tell us some more.

Well, Mr. Sanford took only one lesson, and already he's learned to tell

beautiful words with his hands.

Yeah, and I learned how to write numbers with my hands.

703. What's that?

My room number.

All right. Our prize people, Mr. Fred Sanford.

be sure that this is love beyond come.

got trouble.

You can say that again. I have run out of cuticle remover.

Gladys, you have taught me one great thing.

That's nice.

What? Never to answer an ad in the free press again.

Well, they picked up Wills, and sooner or later that guy is gonna talk. So what

you gotta do is get dressed, get down to the Sanford's room, pick up that case

with the diamonds.

Meantime, I'll go down to Luau and make sure that he gets off the island before

they can connect us with him, and I'll get our boys and figure out some way

we can get off the island.

What should I wear?

Just get the case with the diamonds. I don't care what you wear, but if you

don't hurry, you'll be wearing stripes.

Uh -uh.

Stripes make me look fat.

You know, Pop, I got to tell you, man, your singing and dancing was just great.

I know.

But, you know, you don't look so good, Pop.

I know. I don't feel too good.

Maybe I had too much sun and my ties and poi poi.

Why don't you go upstairs and lie down?

I think I will. You said I didn't have yourself a good time.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

Aloha. Okay.

Hey, you, Mr.

Sanford? Yes, sir.

I'm Mr.

Smith from the...

Convention. Oh, hey, Mr. Smith, I'm glad to meet you. Say, listen, me and my

pop, I gotta tell you, we're having a great time. Oh, yeah, well, I'm afraid

got a little trouble, though.

What's the problem? Well, it's the agenda.

You see, that panel discussion that we were supposed to have, that's the reason

we invited you here, and we ain't gonna have no time for it, so I'm afraid we

can't continue to pick up the check for your accommodations.

Well, who's gonna pay for it?

Hey, that is a problem, ain't it?

Mr. Smith, my pop and I, we can't afford $135 a day.

Well,

there is a plane leaving for the mainland in an hour.

That's some association. What am I supposed to tell my pop now?

How about, start packing, Daddy.

I thought we just got the room and the meals.

Well,

I am your new chambermaid, and these are our new outfits. Kind of cute, aren't

they? Good lady, you must have the wrong room. I don't feel so good. Go clean up

somewhere else.

Um, okay.

Um, fine.

I think.

I think you better sit down, Pop. I got some bad news.

We got our first big break. Thank you.

Wells talked.

Told us the whole scheme.

How they figured on getting the diamonds off the island and everything.

Now half of you guys get out there, run down Davis and his boys.

Burke, you go talk to Simon.

Tell him we understand. We know he was just being used by Davis and Patsy. He

should still have the diamonds.

May, I'll call McGarrett.

Give him time to get his hair teased before we meet with the president.

Chop, chop, and chop.

Hello, sir.

Dial nine for...

Hey, Pop, just try to calm down, okay? Calm down? Are you kidding?

Dragging us all the way over here and cancelling the panel. Some junk

association. I'll just resign.

That's what I'll do.

Either I broke my glasses or we in Jar Jar Borg's old room.

Pop, you didn't bring your glasses.

These are the diamonds that everybody's been looking for.

Then by the process of elimination...

We in big trouble.

With all these carrots, I may never need glasses again.

Hey, wait a minute. Now I remember.

That picture that the police showed us, that was Freddie Wills. Pop, we went to

high school together until he graduated to San Quentin. He knows us? Sure he

knows us. And that Mr. Smith is a phony. Pop, they got us to Hawaii so we could

smuggle these diamonds back to the mainland.

Because we're stupid.

No, because nobody would suspect us. We're smugglers.

We're not anything, Pop, but innocent.

You think anybody's going to believe that? Well, we can try. I'm going to

Y50. No, you call the airport, because there's only two cops I'm going to get

this stuff back to, Hoppy and Smitty.

These cops won't believe we're innocent. After all, I threw them out of here and

wouldn't give them a chance to search the place.

Well, what are they going to think if they catch us trying to smuggle these

diamonds off the island?

Then we'll pretend that you knew and I didn't, and you'll go to jail and I'll

to watch.

Since you put those back,

They've checked out.

If they discover the diamond, Davis will kill him in a second.

Wills is out on bail.

He must be with Davis, too.

Let's get to the airport.

We've got to protect those dumper.

Yeah, I think this is going to work out all right. They're going to take them

diamonds home without even knowing they got them. Just hope the cops don't get

here before the plane leaves.

You ought to go tell them everything.

They were hollering at me.

Thank you.

We'd like to take these back.

Okay. Excuse, please. Is this the flight to San Francisco?

No, sir. Next counter. Thank you.

Now, sir, taking me through to L .A.? Not the black one.

Hey, Pop, you can't take that bag on board the plane. I'm not letting it out

my sight. The bag will be safe. I'm carrying it. But you can't, sir. I'll

it for you. No, wait a minute. Look, don't you care?

Don't tell me what I can't.

Hey, Pop, that's not our bag.

Hey, the diamonds ain't in that bag. They must have stashed them someplace

Uh -oh. We better get out of here, son.

Let's get him. Is this dress okay?

Next week, in the conclusion of The Hawaiian Connection, Fred Sanford, using

the intelligence at his disposal, finds himself in deeper trouble.