Original subtitles

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the best dressed man of all?

Give me my answer and make me contented. Make it quick, or this suit is rented.

Woody, come on in.

My home is your home. Thanks, Fred.

And what about me?

What'd you say?

I said, what about me?

Esther, your home is where the buffalo roam.

I didn't ask to come over here, Fred Sanford.

You invited me to dinner.

That's right. I did. I'm sorry, Esther.

Well, listen, Esther, why don't you start helping us out in the kitchen?

All right. You can start by sticking your face in the freezer and making us

ugly sickos.

the insults, man.

Now, you did invite us, and the dinner was supposed to be so that we could all

get acquainted with Lamont's girlfriend.

Yeah, you're right, Woody.

No more insults.

I want Lamont's girl to think his family is the best.

Yeah, it would be easy for her to get the wrong impression about us, you know?

She's definitely going to get the right impression about you.

See, I'm just a little nervous, you know, meeting Lamont's girl and all. I

she's really special.

Willie, you'll never be as nervous as Lamont, because tonight after dinner,

gonna take her home and pop the big question.

Oh, really?

That's wonderful.

I'm so happy for Lamont. Yeah, me too.

You know, what joy.

What happiness.

What question.

Lamont's gonna ask Janet to marry him.

Oh, now, I'll drink to that.

You drink to him, Brontonia.

I'll show you my surprise for Lamont.

Surprise? Yeah.

You see, after Lamont proposes to Janet and she says yes, she says, I'm going to

build an extra bedroom upstairs.

Look here.

Fred, are you sure Lamont and Janet want to live in this house after they get

married? Sure they will.

We have to carry on the dynasty.

Dynasty?

Yeah, you know, like the son and his family will carry on the empire, just

in China, you know, the Ming dynasty.

And what you're going to call you is the Dingaling Dynasty.

Why, you breezy neck bone chewing.

Oh, hello, son.

Hi, Danny.

Hi,

everybody.

Uh, that's your Uncle Woody. I'd like for you to meet Janet Lawson.

Nice to see you, Janet. Hi.

So you're Woody.

Lamont told me you have such a great marriage.

Now, I'll drink to that.

Woodrow. Now, sweetheart.

You wouldn't want Janet to think that all you have on your mind is liquor, now

would you, booze brain?

Listen, why don't we all go over to the table and sit down and make ourselves

comfortable? That's a good idea, Pa.

Lamont, you sit right here next to Janet over there. And Woody, you find Esther

somewhere. And I'll sit right here.

You made place cards. Oh, how nice, Mr. Sanford. Clancy, huh?

Animator special.

Hey, Dr.

Gummo Smith. Credit? Dentist. Yeah.

Turn the card over. Oh, oh.

Hey, you know, Pop, this is really nice, man. The flowers and the candles and

everything. You try it hard, and I want you to know that Janet and I really

appreciate it. Thanks, hon. But I spent the whole day getting everything ready,

getting the room and the table, so this would be the perfect dinner. I want it

to be right.

It's beautiful, Mr.

Sanford, and I'm looking forward to a delicious meal. What are we having?

Huh? What's for dinner?

Uh...

Janet, we're having braised tips of beef and mushrooms, surprise, and menudo.

But, see, I was so busy getting the house cleaned up, I forgot to cook.

Surprise.

That wasn't so bad, was it? No, it certainly wasn't, considering this is

first time Janet's been over here for a meal.

catered by Melvin's Menudo Manor.

I never thought I'd like sole enchiladas.

Well, I have a church meeting at 9 o 'clock. I have to go.

Bye, Fred Lamont. Yes,

goodbye.

Yeah, thanks for everything.

Yes, thank you.

And come by the church sometime and meet Reverend Spike.

Yeah, jump in the lake and go take a hike.

Mr. Sanford, if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back. Okay.

Well, son, tonight's a big night, ain't it? I bet you're really excited.

I'm excited and I'm nervous, Pop. See, we're going to go back to Janet's

apartment and I'm going to pop the big question. If she accepts, I'm going to

buy the ring tomorrow.

Do you know what you're going to say?

Well, not exactly, but I know I'm not going to get down on one knee because I

don't like that corny stuff.

Well, when you get back here tonight, I got a big surprise for you. A surprise?

Yeah. And I can hardly wait.

Now, you listen. Can I give you a little bit of advice? No.

Good. Now, when you ask her, be tough.

Be firm.

Let her know who's the boss right away. Say, look, baby, you and I are getting

engaged, and that's the way it is, and I'm going to be that way all the time.

Is that what you told Mom?

No, that's what your mom told me.

Thank you. I had such a nice time.

Me too, Janet. Can I get you something? No, thank you, Janet.

There's something that I want to say to you, Janet. And I want to say it faster.

I might not ever say it. Okay.

Janet, would you... Hi, Lamar.

Hi, Mom. Hi. Hi, Roger.

Mom, I'm going outside to shoot some baskets.

Be back in a while. Okay. So long, Lamar. So long, Roger.

Let's sit down, Janet.

See, Janet, what I wanted to say to you was that, see, I feel... It's too cold

outside for basketball.

I'm going to get a snack.

Good idea, Roger. Get a snack. Why don't you make yourself a 24 -decker

sandwich?

Lamont, is something wrong? You're acting very strangely.

Yeah, I know, Janet, and it's silly. If you've got something to say to somebody,

you should come right out and say it, and I'm going to say it.

I'm going to kill Roger.

This rocky road is great.

So, how's it going, Lamont?

It's going great, Roger. Say, Roger, do you believe in paid television?

I love it.

Okay, here's a dollar. Go watch the Lakers.

Okay, I'm going upstairs to watch it. See you later. Okay, Roger.

I know the way your mother works. Now, what's the matter?

Well, I said I wasn't going to do this, but a chance like this only comes once

in a man's lifetime, and I love you a lot, Janet.

Did she say yes? Did she say no? What happened? Well, you know that old

Rocky is the road to marriage?

Sure. Well, I've got Rocky Road all over my pants. She said yes. She said yes.

Ah, well, you look at him, Elizabeth.

So tall, so handsome, so intelligent.

Won't be long before we'll hear the pitter -patter of tiny dummies around

house.

Hey, Pop, now just go easy on that baby talk. I mean, we're not even married

yet, you know. I never stop nobody.

Listen, come over here. I want to show you a surprise.

Hey, what are these blueprints for?

Our family castle.

See, these are the plans where I'm building an extra room for you.

Uh, Pop.

See, and this here is a basketball court for Roger. Uh, but Pop. And then over

here, I figure that you can share my room and the new room will be for Roger

Janet. I know, Pop. And I thought you'd say that.

And then, see, well, Roger can sleep with me, and you can sleep with Janet.

That's no good, Pop.

Huh? Sure.

See, Pop, Janet and I discussed it, man, and once we marry, we're going to get a

place of our own. A place of your own.

Oh, I understand.

I was hoping you would, Pop.

Just make sure you get a place near the cemetery.

Because if you move out, it'll kill me.

My moving out of here is not going to kill you. But what if... The big one

and I'm not around? Oh, I feel one coming down.

It's the big one. It's like a big hand touching my heart.

That's your hand.

Son, I'm sorry. I was trying to make you feel guilty by having a phony heart

attack. Well, that's the first time you've ever admitted that those heart

attacks were phony. Well...

For once in my life, this time, I want to play it straight with my own son. No

trickery, no games, no lies, just plain facts.

Good. Lamont? Yes?

Yesterday, I went to the doctor, and he said I have this mysterious incurable

disease called son -move -out -is -ectomy.

See, first your nose fall off, then your toes fall off.

Come on, dig, man.

Look here, let me do all the rapping, man. I know all about jewelry, and I can

get you a real good deal.

Okay, bro, you got it. Yeah, now watch how I handle this dude here, man.

He like taking candy from a baby. All right, then.

Hey, mister.

Yes?

May I help you?

Yeah, you work here? No, I just asked if I could help you because I just made

corporal in the Salvation Army.

Hey, look here, I don't give it to you straight.

We'd like to see the cheapest thing you have in a ring.

Yeah, how about two tickets to the bullfights?

Hey, man, you're trying to get smart.

Oh, no.

Then you and I would have nothing in common.

Hey, Lamar, come on, man. Let's split. We ain't got to stay here and take all

this hoo -riding and stuff.

You are so right.

You can just go down the street to the fruit stand and put a kumquat on your

finger.

Wait a minute. Excuse me for a minute. Excuse me for a minute. Come here,

Ronald. Look, man, it's four o 'clock already, and I want to give the ring to

Janet tonight. Now, there's no more jewelry stores open at this hour. Let me

handle it.

Yeah, okay, man. Good luck.

All right.

Uh, sir.

Yes, sir.

Well, I like that.

You call me sir, and I call you sir. That's mutual respect.

It shows a regard for the other person's feeling.

Uh, I'd like to see an engagement ring for under $200.

Under $200?

You've got to be kidding.

No. Well, I may have something.

Oh, this ring is $75.

It shines in the dark, decodes secret messages, and it's already engraved. If

you want to give it to Marsha, your name is Skippy.

I think I'd like to see this ring right here.

Oh, excellent.

You know, I tend to judge a man by his discriminating taste in jewelry.

Oh, thank you very much.

How long has your girlfriend been a gypsy?

dude, man.

It's the rudest, crudest dude I ever met.

You know, you're absolutely right, sir.

I'm sorry.

Please accept my deepest apology.

Would you mind turning the other way for a moment, sir? For what?

Well, the store's having a little free giveaway and I want to surprise you.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Good! The security camera just took your picture for nothing.

Good!

How would you like me to take your teeth for the same price?

Hi, Pop.

Hello. Well, you're speaking to me now, huh?

Of course.

I'm speaking to you the way I speak to any of my tenants.

Tenants? That's right.

You treat the place like a motel.

Move in, stay 35 years, move out.

Pop. Just remember, Mr. Sanford, no pets and no cooking cabbage in the room.

Did you cut it out? Look, I got the ring. You want to see it? What for?

I didn't ring before.

It's not an expensive ring, but I went through a lot to get it.

Yeah. One thing you went through was my heart.

Now, don't start that again. Pop, you got to face it, man. Things change, man.

Nothing stays the same.

And I was changing your diapers since you was eight years old, and now you're

running out on me.

Okay, just forget about it. I've got a couple of deliveries to make and then

going to go over to Janet's and give her the ring.

Already? So soon?

I'll see you later, Pop.

Oh, no.

He's really going to do it.

And I'll be all alone.

I'll have to sell the house and move out.

I can see it now.

Old man living here in California with nothing to do.

And sit on the back porch and...

Drink orange juice with Bing Crosby and his family.

I can't let him do that to me. I just can't.

Who is it?

Janet. Just a minute, Janet.

Come in, dear.

Listen, I don't care how much Lamont owes you. Don't be bothering me about

Good day.

Hello, Mr. Sandford. Oh, hi, Janet.

Come and sit down, darling.

Can I get you something?

No, thank you. Lamont should be here any time now. We're going to go out and

have dinner.

Oh, by the way, I couldn't help overhearing that phone conversation. Is

okay? Oh, nothing to worry your pretty little head about.

Fine, good.

It's just that Lamont owes a huge pile of money.

At the liquor store.

And if you don't pay it, they're going to kill him.

What?

But don't worry about it. Last money owed him money, too. And somehow he paid

him.

By the way, that was the same month all the children in the neighborhood got

mugged and had to go to school without their milk money.

What are you talking about?

I thought you knew.

Knew what?

That Lamont was a heavy drinker. A what?

And a heavy gambler.

A drinker and a gambler.

Sometimes you best know how much you can drink.

Mr. Sanford, I think you're... I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he didn't

tell you.

Lamont's so ashamed about it, he don't want anybody to know. That's why he

belongs to AA.

Anonymous, anonymous.

I don't really believe... But look, don't worry, Janet. He'll make you a

husband. Just always hide your purse at night.

And if you smoke, hide your lighter fluid, because he'll drink that too.

See, I even have to lock up my own liquor here at home.

Can I tell you something?

I know just what you're going to say, honey. I know exactly what you're going

say. Look, if you change your mind about Darren Lamont because you find out

about him drinking and gambling like that... Drinking and gambling?

It's okay, Lamont.

I understand.

Excuse me a minute.

Hey, wait a minute. It's gone. The ring is gone. Where's the ring?

Well, don't ask me.

You probably sold it and spent the money at the Kentucky Derby on some Kentucky

bourbon. What are you talking about?

He probably doesn't remember, see? Lamont has those blackout spells where

forgets everything.

Pop! Last year, he disappeared, and we found him in Denver with a hoochie

-coochie dancer from Durango.

Mr. Sanford, would you come over here and sit down, please? We'd like to talk

you. Over there? Mm -hmm.

What'd you do that for?

Because I love you. Huh? And I love you because you love your son so much.

Listen, I don't know.

We knew what you were trying to do, Pop. I know Lamont is not a heavy drinker or

a gambler. Yeah, but I forgot to tell you, he's a burglar and an arsonist.

And in the morning, he needs a gallon of mouthwash before he can say hello.

Mr. Sanford, you love Lamont so much that you're terribly afraid of his

out. Now, that's why you're making up these stories, isn't it?

Well... When Lamont and I get married, you're not going to lose his love.

That's right, Pop.

In fact, you're going to be getting a family that loved you very much. Me,

Roger, and maybe even our child.

Already?

You sly dog.

No, Pop, that's not what she means.

Now, look, this isn't the end. It's the beginning, man, of a whole new way of

life for all of us.

We love you very much, Pop, and with all that love, you'll never be alone.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Hey, you know, that was a beautiful thing you did, honey. I just hope Pop

understand it. I think he understands.

I think he understands a lot more than we give him credit for. Yeah. Hey, you

know, now that you're going to be a member of this family, there's certain

family secrets that I think you should know, and I'm going to show you one of

them now. Come here.

Now, this is our family vault, and...

I'm going to show you this one time, and you've got to get it right or it won't

work. You ready?

Think you got that?

I think so.

Hey, it's done here.

Okay.

Now, I know this isn't an expensive ring, Janet, but... Hey,

wait a minute. This isn't the ring I bought. What are you trying to pull,

Well, I do. He took the... This ring is beautiful.

It is? Oh, it's not only beautiful, it's unique.

Unique? They haven't made a ring in this particular style in at least 40 years.

Hey, Pop, that's Mom's ring, isn't it?

I guess it is.

You're the greatest, Pop. I love you. Oh, thank you, Dad. No, I want this

on me.

Look,

it fits.

Come on, let's show it to Rogers so he'll feel part of this beautiful

Yeah, and y 'all hurry back here, and I'll take the two of y 'all to dinner.

You're going to take us to dinner?

Huh? Thank you, Pop. I love you.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, daughter.

Elizabeth, honey, are you busy?

I'd like to talk with you for a minute.

See, I know you didn't mind me giving the ring to Lamont, did you?

Because we always wanted the best for our son.

And Janet, well, she's the best, honey.

Of course, you'll never look as good on her fingers as you did on yours.

And another thing about the ring, I know it's going to make you real happy.

I paid it off this week.

That was a marvelous dinner.

Yeah, wow. When that truck pulled up in front of Chasen's, well, I never thought

I'd ever eat there.

I love the tip your father gave the parking attendant.

Yeah, he told him to pull the choke or the truck wouldn't start.

Where is your father, anyway?

Well, I think he's upstairs sleeping. He's had a big day.

You know, it's really nice with the two of us here alone.

Yeah. I'm glad Pop finally realized that we have to lead our own lives and make

our own decisions.

Hey, Mark, Danny.

I've been working on these upstairs.

Take a look.

Well, what is that, Pop?

It's my plans for the wedding.

See, we'll rent out the Legion Hall and put the tables here, and the violin

player's there.

And here's the guest list over here.

And then, Janet, you get your gown at Leon's Discount and wedding -wearing war

suckers. And, uh, let's see.

Pull out the choke, else it won't start.

And then... And then I get some more place cards from Dr. Gumbo.

That's when we'll sit with the musician.

Yes.

Do you work here?

No, I'm the heavyweight champion coming out for round two.

Listen, I got something I'd like to return.

I can see that, but Mother Nature doesn't work here anymore.

Uh, was that insult?

Was Attila the Hun naughty?

Look, my son bought this ring here yesterday, and I'd like to return it so

give him the money back for a wedding present. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. That's a no

-no. But on the other hand, if you don't give me my money...

I'm going to take that tie and wrap it around your neck and wrap the other end

around my truck and stamp just married on your butt and drive you like a boss.

Would you like it in cash, check, or money order? You changed your mind. Yes,

nobody ever explained it to me that way before.