Original subtitles

Here you go, Grady. Thanks.

Turn them on. Yeah.

Boy, this is going to be a great fit.

That show was a good idea. You asked me to bring my set over so that we could

watch the monsters and the soap operas at the same time.

Yeah, that's what I call good living, Grady.

Plenty of beer and potato chips.

Two TV sets.

One VJ.

Channel 12 presents... Here we go, Grady.

Return of the Vampire, starring Bela Lugosi.

I missed that one, Grady. Oh, yeah.

That's the one with the surprise ending.

I like surprise endings. Well, if you like surprise endings, you're going to

love this one.

This is the one where the 50 -year -old man turns out to be a 20 -year -old

girl.

Wait until you see this. Whoa, what a surprise.

What's going on here? First you watch one television set. Now you're watching

two television sets.

What you going to be doing tomorrow? Watching three? There's a whole article

here, Pop, about people that have heart conditions just like yourself.

And you want to know what the best thing for them is?

Yeah. To move their dummy son out the way of the TV.

And the sooner the better.

No, Pop.

What? Exercise.

Exercise? That's right, exercise. You know, like push -ups.

Chin -ups, sit -ups? Why don't you try some shut -ups?

That was so afraid.

You'll get that tomorrow.

He didn't like you yelling at him, so he told you to shut up in his funny little

old way.

Don't you know it's polite to remove your bowl when you're coming to

house?

exercise for heart patients like yourself, and it was written by a

doctor. I'd like for you to read it, Pop. I don't need to read it. I get

of exercise.

Where do you get exercise?

At funerals.

In pallbearer for all my friends who exercise.

Listen to this, Pop. The article says that people that are inactive run twice

the risk of having heart attack There's other people.

Well, I'm not inactive.

Well, what do you call sleeping 12 hours a day and watching television 12 hours

a day?

I call that a balanced day.

What do you call it when a guy shoves the snow and drops dead in his driveway?

Pop, nobody's asking you to shovel snow, man. I'm just asking you to move around

a little bit. You know, get the blood circulating. Move around.

Okay, okay, okay.

Hold that, Brady. I'll move around for you.

I'm serious, Pop. Now, I checked over to YMCA, and they got an exercise program

over there.

What channel is it on? I turned it on. And starting tomorrow, we're going to

take long walks together every day.

Uh -uh, uh -uh. I'm sorry, but I have a previous engagement.

With who?

Moses.

Yeah, see, they're showing part three of the Ten Commandments on channel 14.

Yeah, from thou shalt not steal to thou shalt...

after then? Uh, the day after, no, I'll be busy then, too. See, I gotta find me

with Oral Roberts on television.

Oh, yeah, Oral Roberts is gonna heal your father's calluses on his feet.

How's Oral Roberts gonna heal your calluses and you'll be here?

Well, uh, I'm gonna stand on the TV.

Let me put it to you another way.

Just when do you think you'll be ready to start taking these exercises?

You know, when will you be available?

Well, let me see.

Now, this is probably...

It's Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, October, November.

I can give you the exact date that I'll be available.

May 1.

Listen, just get away from the television set, all right? No, no. What

mean, get away from the TV set?

Exactly what I said. Get away from the TV set. Don't do that.

We'll do that.

Would you stop that? What do you mean stop it? This is my set. This is my set.

How do you figure it's your set? I paid for the set. Well, I'm the one that do

the watching all the time, ain't I?

Yeah. I got Sprinter's rights.

Well, that ain't got nothing to do with the set. I paid for the set.

No, no, no. Wait a minute, y 'all. This is no family argument. That's right.

You're wrong, baby. You get hurt bad getting in family arguments.

Don't do that. Now, we talking about... Don't do that. We're talking about my

set. Don't put my set on. What do you mean your set?

Stay away from the set.

It's not your set.

I don't care what I want you to do. Just don't put your hand on the set no more.

I'd go out in the truck and pick a... Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh,

How come you ain't sitting in your chair?

Because that's my television -watching chair.

And I ain't gonna sit in it till I'm watching television.

All right, do this yourself.

Wait a minute.

I said that is my television -watching chair.

Now, you share it somewhere else.

I'm sitting here.

Hey, man, why don't you stop acting like a two -year -old? You're just doing

this to try and get out of taking those exercises.

No, I ain't trying.

It's because...

I miss my loved one.

What are you talking about, Pop? I love Lucy, and I love Miss Kitty, and

Josephine the plumber, and that girl with the full figure who don't believe

she's wearing a girdle.

And that weird guy who's always in the supermarket squeezing toilet paper.

Well, I'm on my dinner break, Fred, and I know you usually watch the Hollywood

Squares about now.

Yeah, usually.

Anyway, my idol, the Honorable Mr.

Jack Webb, is making his debut tonight.

He'll be sitting on top of Karen Valentine.

If you want to see your idol tonight, the great Jack Webb, then you'll have to

go somewhere and pick him up and bring him over here.

and fold him up real small and shove him in the TV if you want to see him.

Holy cow, what happened here? This is a 206. This is malicious damage.

I'm going to have to initiate a step -by -step investigation.

All right, let's start from the beginning.

Uh, who did it?

Well, it was an accident, but we're not getting it fixed. See, my papa's

supposed to start taking exercises, but he can't stop watching television.

I can give it up any time I get ready. I just ain't been ready.

Now, you said you could give it up any time you wanted to. That is a bad sign.

Well, what do you mean, Hoppy?

Well, I've been reading this pamphlet recently entitled How to Recognize an

Alcoholic.

You don't know how to recognize an alcoholic?

Well, when you see a guy trying to put his shoe on over his head, he's an

alcoholic.

Well, that's not what it said in the pamphlet.

It said the one sure sign to recognize an alcoholic is if a man says he can

up drinking any time he wants to.

But he doesn't. Now, that is you, Mr. Sanford. That's you. Hey, wait a minute,

Hoppy. Pop's not an alcoholic.

I know.

He's a teleholic.

Hooked on television.

That's your opinion.

And you have a right to your opinion.

Now, may I give you mine?

Go ahead.

No, wait a minute, Pop. I think Hoppy's right, man. You get depressed if you

don't watch television.

Yeah, maybe you're right, son.

And I think he is right, Mr. Sanford. You've got to stop hitting the tube.

He's right, Pop. I mean, there's no difference between you and a person

hooked on cigarettes or alcohol.

You're an addict, Pop.

You're a TV addict, Jack.

You've got a peacock on your back.

Oh, no.

you're not taking care of yourself, Fred.

That's why I came over here tonight to fix this meal for you.

Well, Donna, I don't like that old low -cholesterol stuff.

That's low -cholesterol, Fred.

And you should like it. You should not stay away from things like fried foods,

butter, egg yolks.

Egg yolks? Mm -hmm.

You take away the egg yolk, that's the best part of it.

Take away the yolk, ain't nothing left for that old slipper stuff.

Hey, listen, honey, maybe I shouldn't... Uh, be watching television all the

time. Oh, you agree?

Certainly I agree.

Well, look here. Maybe after dinner, we could do something else besides watch

TV.

Like what?

Yeah.

No,

what I mean is, like, uh, maybe Lamont is right about me needing more exercise,

more activity.

I need to bend.

I need to twist.

You know what I mean? Bend and twist.

You know, relax and then give me some rest and everything.

That's right, Fred.

Uh, Well, then, I thought we might have... No, Fred.

No. Honey, you know, when a man gets that urge... Pop!

What I'm saying is when a man gets the call... Hey, Pop!

I think you're getting that call, Fred.

I think I'm going to cancel that call.

We're here, Lamont.

Why are you telling me we're in here?

He's your son.

Well, that was an accident.

Oh, hi, Donna. Hi, Lamont. Hey, Pop. Hey, little son.

You remember when you was a little boy like this?

And you just come to me to get some money to go to the movies and I wouldn't

give you none? Yeah. Well, I changed my mind.

Go to the movies and get you some popcorn and see the show twice.

You ain't in the movies yet?

Just come on in the living room, huh?

Go on, friend.

Pop,

I'd like for you to meet Mr.

Simmons. How do you do, Mr. Sanford? Your son's told me a lot about you.

Yeah, well, by now you ought to know I don't want you in my house.

Wait a minute now, Pop. Don't go jumping to no conclusions. Now, Mr. Simmons is

going to make you a very happy man.

He is? That's right. Oh, you're the TV repairman.

Well, here's the TV right here, Mr. Simmons. Come right on in here and fix

Sir, I think you should know I'm a hypnotist. I wouldn't care if you was a

gynecologist, man, if you're going to fix it.

Mr. Stanford, I'm not here to fix the TV.

I'm here to fix you.

Look here, I don't need no fixing. Listen, I didn't intend to have no more

dummies anyway.

Fred, will you be serious?

Now, Mr. Simmons, exactly what is it you plan to do?

Well, I have been retained by young Mr. Stanford here to cure his father's

addiction with hypnosis.

Yeah, you see, Pop, Mr. Simmons is a graduate of the El Segundo Institute of

Hypnosis. That's correct, and in the past, I have helped smokers and

with hypnosis, and maybe I can do something for your TV addiction.

Lamont, get this Swami back down to Capistrani.

Mr. Stanford, hypnosis is a widely respected concept with unlimited

benefit mankind.

That's the same thing they said about Social Security.

Would you just relax? Now, just sit down, okay? Sit down and relax.

Let Mr. Simmons talk to you. Go ahead. We don't want you to stop watching

television altogether, Mr. Sanford. It's just that I feel that with my

experience and the knowledge I've gained through years of training at good old

El Segundo, that I can help you cut down.

Listen, son.

Now, if I go along with this here stuff, We get the TV fixed tomorrow.

First thing in the morning, Pop. And you'll get me a cable to put on it so

I can watch the roller derby on that Spanish station?

Anything you want.

Then I'll try it. All right, fine.

Now, let's begin.

Will you stop that?

Brad!

Someone called?

Hey, you hypnotized me, Mr. Simmons. That was wonderful.

Now, Lamont, get the TV fixed tomorrow.

I'm going to take it.

Now either do this thing right or just forget about getting that TV fix. I mean

that. Fred, come on, give him a chance.

It's for your own benefit.

All right, now let me tell you this. I'm going to go through this within this

time. But I don't want no parade of people coming through my house waving

watches in front of my face.

Okay, fine.

All right, now go ahead, Mr. Simmons.

Well, I might as well tell you now. I don't believe in this hypnosis stuff.

Well, a lot of people don't, and it's understandable.

Now just watch the watch.

No, there ain't no trouble. I don't blame you, really.

If you feel like relaxing, please do.

Hypnosis is not something that's easy to do.

Watch the watch.

Watch the watch.

Is he hypnotized, Mr. Simmons?

I think so, but I'm not sure how deeply. Mr. Sanford, can you hear me?

I hear you.

Good. Then walk towards the door.

Walk towards the door.

Not that door. The other door.

The other door. That's far enough.

Now, turn around.

Turn around.

Stop.

Good. Now, just one more test, and I think we're ready to begin.

Mr. Sanford, your left arm is very heavy.

Heavy. You will attempt to raise it, but it will be extremely difficult, almost

impossible. Mr. Sanford, raise your left arm.

You can't. It's too heavy.

Now... It's light as a feather And would I be sure

That love beyond compare Would all this

be true If I didn't care for

I'm ready, Freddy, and Donna's my steady.

You are getting tired, Fred.

You are getting more and more tired.

Not tonight, Donna.

I'm too tired.

Now I'm going to try some post -hypnotic suggestions.

Mr. Stanford, listen to me closely.

When you wake up, every time you think of television, you will feel very hot.

Very hot.

Whenever you look at television or watch a television show or even look at a

television guide or talk about television, you will feel very, very

Very, very hot.

Good. Now, wake up at the count of three.

One, two, three.

Hey, man, if you ain't gonna hit me, why don't you leave my house?

I'll leave. Yes. Goodbye, Mr. Sanford. It's been nice meeting you.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Simmons. Keep in touch, Lamar. Okay.

How you feel, Pop?

I feel swell, son, if you just get this TV to working and cut that heat down

some.

Fred, how about something to eat?

Nobody's about cooking nothing. Just defrost a couple of them TV dinners.

A couple of them TV dinners. No TV dinners, Fred. Now, you're going to have

real meal.

Yeah, of course.

Let's eat. I'll just go upstairs then.

Yeah.

Now, Fred, you just stay out here and be comfortable.

And I'll get dinner, all right? Okay, honey.

Wait a minute.

doing to him.

All right, Mr. Sanford, at the count of three.

One, two, three.

You feel all right, Pop?

Yeah, man, why don't you go out of my house with those post -hypnotic

stuff? Gladly, gladly.

I am sorry.

And listen here, Lamont, let me tell you something. Not now, now, Fred.

Fred, don't start kicking out Lamont.

I think she was right. I know she's right. And I know you're right, son. But

can't help myself.

I just got a TV. I'm a TV addict.

Just get the TV fixed for me tomorrow.

That's all because I'm tired of doing this.

What are you doing?

I'm pretending.

got the show surprise you got it fixed yep oh son thank you thank you thank you

oh you're a nice son now nice son i'm gonna turn it on huh there's one

small condition a condition yeah you see from now on when you're watching

television you won't be watching it alone there'll always be somebody here

watching it with you oh i don't mind that son i like company you do where is

you ready

that picture over there. I can't look at TV without the little picture up there.

Oh. I'm sorry, Papa. I can't do that. It's a package deal, man. If you want to

watch television, that picture goes with it.

Okay, okay.

I'll try.

Yeah, good.

That's the way I like to hear my old man talk. I'll start right now.

Hey,

come on, Pop. Let's go, man.

Okay, son. I'm coming.

long this is going to take. Oh, it ain't going to take long. We'll go around the

block a couple of times, you know. A couple of times. Look, I know you don't

want to do this, Papa. The least I can do since I got rid of Esther's picture

give you a couple minutes of my TV time.

I want you to know that what you're doing takes a lot of strength of

Yeah, strength of character. That's right. Good job.