Original subtitles

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the handsomest man of all?

Now, take your time.

I'll turn around here.

You ready?

Here we are.

Handsome Freddy.

Come on in.

How'd you like my secret knock?

Secret knock? Yeah, that was two heavy ones, three light, and four quick ones.

That's so you could tell that it's me and not some crazy burglar knocking at

door. Now, why would some burglar go around knocking on somebody's door?

That's what makes him crazy.

Say, how come you all dressed up?

What? It's Saturday night. I'm going over to Donna's.

Donna's? Fred, I thought we was going to watch the award show tonight.

Award show?

Yeah. Another one? Which one is it this time?

Well, Fred, this is the one that we've been waiting on.

It's the Best Monster Movie Award.

Well, listen, is Gork up for anything?

Oh, yeah.

He's up for the most painful death from a single bite by a swamp.

I got to go over to Donna's. I got a date with an angel.

Got a date with an angel.

Hey,

what's up, Grady? Hi, Lamar. Come on, Papa. I'll drive you over to Donna's.

Okay, son.

Hey, Grady, you go ahead and watch as long as you want to. I'll be back in

now. Okay.

Thanks, Fritz. Is it all right if I help myself to a snack during the

commercial?

Why, Grady, you always make you get over here to get hungry.

Well, Fritz, maybe that's because you parked the truck out in the front.

And now everyone knows that they serve good food where truck drivers stop.

Donna, darling, it's Ready Freddy.

Fred, what are you doing here?

What do you mean what I'm doing here?

It's Saturday night, ain't it?

You belong to me.

belongs to you.

And who belongs to this cigar?

Fred, that cigar belongs to my date tonight.

A date?

I mean, you got a lot of nerve having a date on Saturday night.

Well, Fred, I'm sorry, but you didn't say anything about coming over tonight.

And after all, you don't own me.

I know I don't own you, but I made nine years worth of payments.

I mean, where is he? Where is this guy? Bring him out of here. I'll face him man

to man, fist to fist.

face to face. Just bring him on out here shortly.

That's all.

Just... Hey, listen, buddy. You're lucky I don't give you some of these across

your lips. But it's against my principle to hit a man with glasses.

Lou, this is Fred Sanford. Fred, meet Lou Turner.

Pleased to make your acquaintance, I'm sure.

Why don't we all have a nice glass of...

What you trying to do there? I mean, you ain't gonna get no milk out of that.

Listen, Lou, let me make this as simple as possible for you.

See, Don and I don't stand on all that old etiquette stuff, so you can feel

at any moment to get the hell out of here.

Red, that's not polite.

Please, please sit down.

Here's some nice imported wine Lou brought over from his liquor store.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I don't drink nothing. Ain't got no label on it.

I put the wine in the decanter to allow it to breathe.

Breathe.

That is correct. You see, fine wines must be decanted.

They have a limited life in the bottle.

Five years for white wine, 50 to 60 for Burgundy, and approximately...

50 to 100 for Bordeaux.

And three days for 7 -Up.

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

That's the most ridiculous thing you ever heard?

Fred, Fred, look at this, look at this pamphlet Lou brought over. It's all

the Senior Olympics this year.

What's that?

Athletic events for persons of 50 and over.

Oh, I know, I remember that. On your mark, get set, ready, keel over.

information, in order to participate in the Senior Olympics, one must be sound

of mind, fleet of foot, and in excellent physical condition.

I do 100 push -ups every day.

Well, here, add nothing to that. Shove your lips up your nose.

Fred?

Lou won the Decathlon last year. And I have every intention of winning it again

this year.

Listen, I've had enough of this chit -chat. Now, Donna, you've got to make a

decision. Now, who do you want?

Me who's been faithful to you all these years, or this wine will come lately.

Now, look here.

You look here, Sanford. No, buddy, you look here. Listen, you want me to decant

my fist upside your face? Fred!

Who? Who's a fool? Say that outside to me. Come on outside and say that. I'd be

happy to. Well, come on in. No, Fred. Don't worry about nothing. I take care

myself. Oh! Fred!

wasn't there, so Godzilla accepted for him.

You know why Gork wasn't there, Grady? Because Gork was over to Donna's with a

decanter.

Oh, you mean that there was another man at Donna's house?

Yeah. Some old guy named Lou Turner.

I sure would have loved to have heard you just cut him out and punch him in

mouth and wipe up the floor with him.

You know, Brady, I got too much dignity to be fighting in front of Donna.

Oh, you mean Big Lou Turner.

Yeah, the one that won the decathlon, his senior decathlon last year. I think

lost Donna to him forever.

You know, he wins the decathlon every year. As a matter of fact, he's in it

alone this year.

Everybody's afraid of him.

Well, I ain't afraid of him.

Okay, then it's settled.

You entered the Catalan, and then we... The Catalan. Me and the Catalan? Right.

Forget that, Brady.

I'm not going to get to know the Catalan until I get one thing straightened out.

What's that, Fred?

What is the Catalan?

That's where they have ten events.

You know, like the 400 -meter run and the high jump and the hurdles, the

dabbling, the shot put.

And a 50 -yard dash. Right to the hospital in intensive care.

Well, Fred, I mean, don't you want to win Donna back? I mean, after all, faint

heart never won fair lady.

And stopped heart never did too good either.

You got one thing going for you that Lou doesn't have.

What's that?

Me as your coach.

Oh.

Come on, Fred.

This is for Donna now.

Yeah, for Donna.

Fred, you can do it.

I can do it, Grady. Yeah.

And when she sees you win that gold medal. Yeah.

You'll be first in her heart forever.

Yeah, Grady. You can do it, Fred.

It's for you.

The javelin. The javelin. Yeah.

So you have all the confidence in the world that you can do it. That's the

confidence, Brady.

Great. Then I'll bet you five bucks he kills you.

You know, a lot of screaming and... Well, how do I look, sir?

Like an old hot dog with mustard and ketchup on it.

You know, you're really being ridiculous with this Olympic stuff, Pop. This is

not going to impress Donna, not at all. It's not going to impress her one bit.

Listen, son, you're entitled to your thoughts, and if you want to be entitled

your teeth, you shut up.

You can say anything you want to. Just don't scream no more, because I'm not

awake yet, all right? Okay.

Good morning, Lamont!

Hi, baby. Lamont didn't wake up yet.

Oh, okay, Fred. I can understand that.

juice. Hey, Grady, I thought you said this was orange juice.

I said that that was a little orange juice.

Now, the rest of it is turnip nectar, horseradish juice, and the essence of

collard greens.

You know, Pop, you're going about this whole thing wrong, man. If you want to

get the shape, Why don't you try taking a long walk every day?

You got a point there.

Well, I'm glad you finally realized that. Well, listen. Why don't you set an

example by starting off first? You take a long walk and start on the roof.

All right.

Go ahead. Be a wise guy. But don't say that I didn't warn you when you get

yourself hurt. Maybe seriously.

Oh, don't worry about me, son.

When it's time to die, then I'll die for something worth dying for. Love.

Like Romeo and Juliet.

Bonnie and Clyde.

and I can tin a turner.

I'm going to the kitchen where I can get some rest and some quiet and get my...

Yes, son, you go in there and get your assistant. And where's the nightly

partner?

He just got home. Okay,

Fred, I have a whole schedule of exercises for you, so I want to see you

team out in the yard.

We ain't pissed off, Fred.

Okay?

All right. Now you lie down on the ground.

jump a little rope as soon as our head is over here.

All right, we're going to jump a little rope because what this does is develop

the legs and the bust line.

Men don't jump no rope. We don't know how to jump no rope, Grady.

Well, it's easy, Fred. I used to jump rope with my sister all the time.

I bet you got beat up a lot, too.

No, no, no, look, look. I'll show you.

It's very, very simple, see?

Okay. Well, how about we practice on the discus? That's okay. Get the discus.

Okay. There ain't no discus. This is a hubcap.

Well, this isn't for practice, Frank.

I gave practice to this. This is from my presidential collection.

Your presidential collection?

Yeah. See, this is a Ford, and I got one from a Lincoln, and if the next

president is Rufus R. Toyota.

Okay. All right. Ready? The discus. Discus.

Wow.

You sure got a strong arm, Fred.

Yeah, yeah, you know, that's because of that arm wrestling I always do. I'm the

best at that. Yeah, well, you sure going to win that event. Yeah.

Hey, Pop, there's your hubcap, man. I want you to know it just missed me.

Well, let me put it on the truck and try again.

No, man, don't do me no small favors.

Say, why are you all dressed up like Friar Tuck?

Fred's practicing for the Senior Olympics, Rollo.

Oh, yeah?

Uh -huh. Hey, well, that's out of sight, man. That ain't good enough.

Hey, look here, maybe about a new...

they'll let you play in the old bowl.

Yeah, tomorrow you can get in the tiny bowl.

Okay, Fred. Now we're going to practice the 50 -yard sprint.

Fred, you know I can't sprint no 50 yards.

Come on, Fred. You want to win Donna back, don't you? Okay, okay.

You run down to the lamppost and back.

Okay. Okay. Wait a minute now.

Okay.

Hey, man, is that enough that we have to go?

Where is he, Graydon? Oh, yeah.

Fred's out practicing the 50 -yard sprint.

The 50 -yard sprint? Graydon, are you crazy?

This has gone far enough now. This is it. He's got to put a stop to it. This

ridiculous. Oh.

Oh, okay, Ramon. Okay, we'll quit as soon as he comes back. He'll be back in

second.

Hey, man, I thought you said 50 yards. I mean, where is he?

He'll be back.

Come over. Maybe you'll be able to talk some sense into my father.

Well, I'll try.

Please. I didn't dream he was serious.

Come on, Fred!

Come here. I told you I'd come.

Oh,

Donald.

Mark. Brady.

Good to see you all standing outside in my locker room.

Uh, you want my autograph?

No, but I'd like to have your head examined.

Fred, listen to me for a moment. What, honey?

I came over here to tell you that what you're doing isn't necessary.

You don't have to prove anything to me.

Please, Fred, stop all of this. Forget about it, Donna. It's time now that

somebody took that lot and I flew down a few pegs. When I get through with him,

his high's gonna be hurdle, his shot's gonna be foot, and his bra's gonna be

jump.

Well,

listen, come on, coach, let's go.

to watch Fred?

No, I think we did the best thing by staying here. If we had gone down there,

would have just acted more silly than he did here. We did the best thing.

But where could he be?

Oh, relax, Lamont. I'm sure he's just fine.

Yeah, I might as well be.

Hi,

Lamont. Hi, is Fred all right? Oh, he's fine.

Are those all real?

Of course they're real. Solid gold.

And I'm having bronze.

Are they picking up the light?

Now, look, everybody. See, now this one over here is for the decathlon.

And all of these are for winning first place in all ten events.

Hey, Papa, I'm really proud of you, Papa. I really am. So am I. Fred would

done much, much better if he'd have had somebody to compete against.

That was good, Brady. You mean to tell me you were the only person in the whole

Olympics?

Huh? Yeah.

What happened to Lou?

Chicken out.

He's a weakling.

He's a sissy.

Hello, Sanford.

He's a here.

I heard what happened. I came to offer my congratulations.

Very sporting of you, Lou.

Lou, what happened?

Fred said you missed the Olympics.

I know, Donna. Just as I was leaving, someone called...

Said they were going to hold up my establishment. I was obliged to stay.

Why, that's a shame.

Why, that's a shame.

Yes, well, that's the breaks, Sanford. Count with them all.

Yes, that's the breaks.

Funny thing, though.

The fellow that called used a very strange expression.

Goo -poobly -poo. That's good. Goo -boobly -goo.

I'll be leaving now.

I guess I'll go in the closet and shut the door. Oh,

I see you won the arm wrestling, too.

Yes. Well, had I been in the decathlon, you may have given me a little

competition, but both of us in the arm wrestling, Sanford, absolutely no

competition whatsoever.

Are you challenging me into alarm wrestling? Is that what you're doing?

I believe your interpretation is correct. Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Turner.

quite all right, Lamont. No, Mr. Turner, you don't know. Trust me, it's quite

all right.

Fred, Lou, this is ridiculous.

Just a second here.

I thought we were going to have a little celebration tonight. The thrill of

victory and agony of defeat.

I'm sorry, Fred.

We'll have to do that another time. It may take weeks before Lou's arm heals.

Come on, Lou. Yes, yes.

It may take weeks before it heals, Sanford.

I suppose I should be angry with you for tricking me out of the Olympics by that

phony phone call and beating me at arm wrestling.

But I realize you did it out of love for Donna.

the mark of a true champion, I bow to you.

I salute you.