Original subtitles

Harold Examiner?

Let me speak to Harold.

Hello, Harold.

This is Fred G. Sanford, and I'm opening up a rooming house next door to my

junkyard, and I want to put an ad in there.

Yeah, here it is.

You ready?

Come and stay in the luxurious Sanford Arms.

The ultimate in high -rise and low -living.

Exotic plumbing.

No children, no pets, puppies, guppies, or winos allowed.

Only the most refined and suave clientele need apply.

Special rates for topless dancing.

Yes, I said topless dancing.

Call or apply in person, 9114 South Central. One of Los Angeles' most

addresses. You got that?

Thanks, Harold.

Bye.

Hi, Pop.

Hi, son. You back from Tijuana already?

Already. I was gone for two days. Hey, wait till you see the tables and the

chairs and all the good stuff I got for the Sanford Arms. Hey, tell me all about

our new tenants.

Well, son, they're so nice and quiet, you'd hardly know they were there.

That's great, Pop.

That's because they're not there.

I ain't been in the room all day.

No tenants?

None. Pop, we borrowed $1 ,800 from the bank, man, and we done spent most of it

fixing Julio's place up.

Yeah, $300 worth of chili stain remover.

And $19 .98 for a pair of them pointed -toe shoes.

What'd you need a pair of pointed -toe shoes for? To kill all them cockroaches

in the corner.

Pop, we gotta make a loan payment tomorrow, and we can't do that unless we

tenants living over there paying us rent. Now, didn't you interview anybody?

Well, I interviewed an old couple, but they sort of got offended.

Why? They said they want to live in a building with security, and I told them

go suck on a blanket.

That's just great, Pop. That's great.

Hey, but look, son. Look at this.

See, I put this ad.

See, I wrote this ad up here and phoned it into the newspaper.

Topless dancers.

Yeah, and this is just the beginning, son.

From Sanford Arms, it's just a step away from where we own our own huge hotel.

And that's me, Howard Huge.

We're not even going to be living here if we don't make that loan payment

tomorrow. Listen, son, don't worry. The banks are our friends.

They want us and like us. They want to see America move forward and do good.

And another thing, you've heard that commercial on TV where it says, we're

bullying America.

Would you be serious? If we don't fill those rooms, man, we're going to be out

of a house.

Forget him, Ernesto. What can we do for you? You can do a lot, Lamont.

In fact, you both can make a big donation to charity.

Oh, you want us to donate you to multiple uglies?

Watch it, sucker.

Lamont, our church is being repainted. Oh, yeah, I know, I know.

And I thought you'd be happy to donate one of the rooms in your boarding house

as a meeting place for my congregation.

You mean for free?

Of course, after all, charity begins at home.

But not in the home, but the Buffalo Room.

Get out, bison.

Why don't you go somewhere and celebrate the bicentennial?

Don't pay him no attention, Ernesto. Come on in the kitchen and put on a pot

coffee and I'll talk to you about it. All right.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Take her in the kitchen.

Maybe them flies will follow y 'all in there.

Hello.

Hello. Are you Mr.

Are the rooms next door still available?

Yes, they are, and I am, too.

Come right in. Thank you.

You're kind of sweet.

Yes. Now, exactly how much is a room?

The room's $80 a month in advance, but in your case, I'm willing to extend you

little credit. We'll just spread your month's rent.

Over the next 15 years.

Thanks. But I always like to deal in cash.

Now, $160 should cover two months in advance.

Yeah, let me hold that.

It's all there. You don't have to count it. I don't want to count it. I just

want to hold it next to my cheeks.

Well, now, Mr.

Sanford. Huh?

After I move in, I hope that you and I can come to some little understanding.

Yeah, see, I understand, and you understand, and when we understand, your

gets cheaper. You understand?

Hold on, Fred Sanford! What is this?

Excuse me, honey.

This is my son, Lamont, and this is our plumber.

Yeah, you can see all the pipes backed up into her face.

Why, first time for you.

Wait a minute.

Huh? Wait a minute.

I know this woman.

Oh, I know this woman. Lamar. Huh?

Our church been trying to run this woman out of our neighborhood for months.

Well, that's too bad because I just rented her a room.

Don't you know that this is a falling woman?

Well, I'm trying to break her fall.

I think I better be going. It was nice knowing you. Hold on, sister. Wait a

minute.

Don't you move another further.

I'm taking you the other night while you're still trying to save your soul.

Now, you can save our soul, but save the rest for me.

Look what you've done, man. Look what time it is now, Pop, and we still

rented a room. Now, don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. You don't seem

to realize, man, if we don't come up with that money by tomorrow, we're going

be, we're going to lose everything.

Don't worry. The bank will let us slide.

Oh, yeah, sure. Banks do it all the time.

Hello there.

I'm speaking for the Bank of America, and I'm just here to tell you that we

things slide.

Just relax, will you? How am I supposed to relax when they... I'll get it. Yeah,

get it.

Mr. Sanford? Yeah.

Hello, and how are you? My name is Percy G. Hopweather. I'm the assistant loan

officer at Central Trust and Savings. Just thought I'd drop by and say hello,

and how are you? All of us at CT &S are just pleased as punch that you and your

father have joined our executive loan club. Good. And remember, we're your

friends. If you have any problem at all, don't hesitate to give us a buzz.

After all, we're here to see that you start off on the right foot.

We can.

We sympathize. We are broke.

We foreclose.

Well, I'll just buzz off now. And remember, fellas, try and think of our

with warmth and affection as sort of like we're the fairy godmother in

Cinderella. Why?

Because if you don't pay up by 3 o 'clock tomorrow, we'll turn your house

debtor's prison.

A little financial funny.

Yeah, that was funny, Mr. Hotweather.

Listen, I'd like to make a small deposit.

Oh, good. How much?

How about me putting...

There you go, son.

Look at that.

That'll do it, Pop.

I'm going to take it over to the Sanford Arms, and I'm going to stay over there

in case any, you know, possible tenants come over.

Right, and I'll stay here in case anybody calls me on the phone for that

put in the paper. Yeah, but just remember, Pop, we've got until the bank

today to get those rooms filled. Don't worry, we get the rooms filled. Have

ever let you down?

Don't answer that.

I'll answer that.

Hello?

Yes, this is the landlord speaking.

Fred G. Sanford.

What?

Do you need references?

If you've been acquainted with $80, come on over.

All right.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Here we're getting somewhere.

Let's get a pass skating.

Hey, hey, what's happening, Daddy -O?

Listen, mister, you must have had the wrong address.

The freak out is at the park. I don't know. Hold on.

Now, ain't you the guy that put this ad in the paper about some groovy pads?

What? Yeah, rooms to rent. Huh? Oh, yeah.

How would you like a nice garden apartment?

Oh, yeah.

Well, go out there and sleep in the crab racks.

Look, lay off. You're talking to a drummer with one of the best rock groups

the country. Dig this.

You should have been here when I was killing them cockroaches.

Look, man, lay off.

Groove's got a gig in his town. I need a place to crash.

Try the freeway.

Dad, why don't you and I plant ourselves, right? And then you can rap

me about the pad.

Dig it?

I don't understand anything.

You said now.

Butt out.

All right. Here is two months right in advance.

Butt in.

Let me go over there and see my son. He'll take care of you. All right. All

right. You're beautiful, man. Later. Yeah, the later the better.

Hey, we're about to get in here.

Have a skateboard.

I'm going to keep running this place.

Hello.

What's Holiday Inn?

Yes.

For the best in the bed, come and sleep with Fred.

You got water beds?

No, we don't have water beds, but you can come over here. We got a nice sink.

Oh, my goodness.

Maybe I shouldn't open up this room now.

Excuse me.

Are you Fred G., Sanford?

Are you looking for a room? Yes, I am. Yes, I'm here. Come in.

Hey, this is a fine -looking place you have here, Mr. Sanford.

Yeah, it was on the cover of a magazine, Home and Garbage.

Now, listen, Mr... Hutton. G .F. Hutton.

And when Hutton speaks, everybody listens.

Well, listen, Hutton.

Come on in the kitchen. I'll fix you some sweet rose coffee. That'll be real

nice. Wipe your feet there before you bring that stuff in the kitchen.

Come on in and make yourself at home. You can sit down over there. Thank you,

Mr. Sanford.

Yeah, some good hot coffee on the stove.

Here you go.

Say, um, how much are you asking for a room? Uh, the rooms are free.

The sweet rolls and the coffee is $80.

Now, that's funny, you know? I love a man with a sense of humor.

Hey, you know, I haven't seen you around here.

Are you from around here?

Yes, I am. But for the last several years, I've been incommunicado.

No, kid, that's funny.

My son was just in Tijuana.

You know, Hutton, I live by instinct, and my instinct tells me that you're all

right. If you want the room, you can have it. Oh, thanks, Fred.

But I got to play it straight with you.

I'm an ex -con, and I just got out of jail.

Well, I'm going to play it straight with you, Hutton.

I'm your ex -landlord, and get out of my house.

Leave! Mr. Sampin, my career as a thief is over.

Your career as a tenant is over.

Please, give me a chance. I'm reformed. I'm orthodox.

I'm sorry. I'm going.

I'm going. Wait a minute.

Yes? My cup runneth away.

I'm sorry.

You think after 30 years in the big house, people would have changed a

Wait a minute.

You've been in the big house for 30 years?

You must have did something awful.

Oh, not really. Just petty theft. My original sentence was six months.

But you see...

I had this ugly sister -in -law.

Ugly sister -in -law?

She used to come up every visiting day and bug me.

Real ugly.

Looked like a buffalo.

Come sit down here, honey.

Tell me all about it.

Well, here you are, Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence.

It's a nice apartment. It's the perfect thing for a newlywed couple like

yourself.

Excuse me, was there something I said?

Oh, no, Mr. Sanford.

Janet's just happy, and she always cries when she's happy.

First little love mess.

Oh, hey, hey.

Excuse me. I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford.

Janet's... I know, she's happy.

Excuse me, Mr. Sanford.

May I use the bathroom?

Oh, sure. It's right through that door.

Say, look, listen, if she doesn't like the bathroom, I can change it. Change

Why? Well, you see, when I was away, I let my father work on one of the rooms,

and that's the room he wanted to work on. Oh, okay.

Excuse me.

Roger, do you have a dime?

I can get it fixed.

Should we take it?

Oh, yes, Roger. I like it.

Okay. Mr.

Sanford, here's $80 in advance.

Oh, great. Listen, you're not making a mistake. You're going to be very, very,

very, very... Hey,

Pop.

Hey, Pop.

Yes, son?

Hey, how you doing? Great, man. I just rented another room. Oh, good.

Yeah, but listen, we're still $50 short, man, so we're going to have to rent

that last room.

I'll get it. Yeah, get it.

Oh.

Uh, Mr.

Sanford Lamont, bonjour, bonjour, no, or as they say to me in Watts,

uh...

You know, nobody says anything to me in what?

Well, what's on your mind, Hoppy? Because my father and I are real busy.

right. Then I will get straight to the point, right down to the nifty -grifty.

Nitty -gritty. Oh, right. Nitty -gritty. I understand you still have a room

available over in the Sanford Arms, and I'd like to rent it.

Why would you want to live over there?

Oh, it's not for me. It's for my mother.

Your mother? Your mother.

Yeah, you see, she just moved out here from the East, and I thought rather than

a lonely apartment...

She'd rather be in a place where there's a lot of other people around.

Look, she's right out there in the squad car. Why don't I just go and get her so

you can meet her? Be right back.

Why would he want his mother to live over there?

Well, probably because it's on his beat and he can stop home and have milk and

cookies.

Mr. Sanford, Lamont, this is my mom.

Lamont, Mr.

Sanford, buenos dias, buongiorno, buongiorno.

Mrs. May Hopkins.

Howard, why aren't you making out a report?

A report, Mom?

Obviously, this place has been ransacked.

Mom is a store detective at Robertson's. Yes, that is correct. I am responsible

for the entire lingerie department.

That's great.

Yes, and I'm... happy to say that after 30 years of service, no one has ever

ripped off one of my bras.

I can understand that.

Mom, Mr.

Sanford and Lamont, they are going to be your new landlords.

Wonderful. Thank you, gentlemen. I want you to know how I like... forward to

living with you in this great melting pot.

Side by side, arm in arm, forward, together.

Excelsior! Oh, Mom, that was beautiful.

Wasn't that beautiful, Mr. Sanford? The way she... Look, I've got to get back on

the beat now.

If it's okay with you, Mr. Sanford, here is $80 in advance for Mom.

I'm going to have to think it over.

Pop, the bank closes in 20 minutes. I thought it over.

Mom, let's go, Mom. Oh, and never forget, luck is bountiful.

No, no, that's beautiful, Mom. Right, right, it's beautiful.

Well, uh... Later on. No, no, no, later

on.

It was the best meal you ever cooked.

That's because that's my extra special celebration dinner.

Now, here's the croup de grasse.

Hey, man, champagne.

Yeah, and look at that date.

June.

That was a very good month. Yeah.

Okay,

first you. You know, Pop, I tell you, man, it's going to be great having that

extra money rolling around the first every month. Yeah.

And later on, we can jack up the rent.

I don't think we should do that, Pop. Well, I don't mean really do it. Just

promise them an elevator.

Then we'll give them the shaft.

You know, I tell you, that was the best idea we ever came up with. You know,

fixing up Julio's place.

Yeah, now we can just lay back and count the money.

Yeah.

I'm getting kind of tired, Pop. I think I'll turn in.

Yeah, well, go ahead, son.

Sleep until noon if you want to. Because now things are different.

You're an independent man.

Yeah. You're...

And a landowner. And a hotel owner.

And you're a giant. You're a king.

Yeah.

Get the door, dummy.

Mr.

Sanford, I am here as the newly elected president of the Tenants Housing

Committee. We are here to register the following complaint.

The plumbing is stopped up. The heaters do not work. The carpets are filthy.

We're all out of dime.

The windows need washing.

What's wrong with her?

She just knocked me. The oven doors will not open. You cannot open the oven

doors. Okay, okay. Listen, we'll fix everything.

Splendid. Oh, by the way, Fred, I met this wonderful lady, and since I'm going

to be working at night, I'm going to let her and her friend use my room in the

evenings. For what?

Choir practice.

Choir practice?

That's right.

Goodness, it's beautiful.

And it has my name in the label. Esther.

Holly Esther.

Oh, Miss Hopkins, thank you so much. I just love it. Oh, it's nothing, nothing

at all, my dear. Happy to do it. Just a little wedding present for you. And, oh,

Mrs. Anderson, I have a little something for you, too. Oh, thank you,

sweetheart.

so nice. Oh, well, it's the least I can do to repay you for the time you spent

teaching me the customs of the ghetto, the language, the talk of the people on

the streets, you know, that kind of thing. Come in.

Listen, I just want to remind you ladies that tomorrow is rent day and I want my

money in my hand no later than 8 a .m. You got that?

Listen, you get her out of here. I told you what the rules were. No animals

allowed.

Please,

Mrs. Anderson, if I...

my death.

Watch it, sucker!