Original subtitles

Look at the confidence.

Remember, the only way we're going to get this money here is for us to look

we don't need it. Pop, as soon as they find out we're the same Sanford and Son

from Sanford and Son, they're going to know we need it.

I mean, we're not exactly the number one business in Los Angeles, you know.

Hey, how are you, friend?

Hey, fine. Harvey, how's our dinner?

You know my son Lamont? Sure, Lamont. How you doing, Harvey? Look, we'd like

talk to you, but we got an appointment with Mr. Phillips and we're a little

late. Yeah, that's right. See, we're going to see him regarding a

merger and some deficit financing and corporate restructure.

Uh, broke again, huh, Fred?

Now, wait a second. Yeah, you got it, Harvey.

Do I look broke?

You look like my brother Al.

Your brother Al's dead.

And that looks like the suit he was buried in.

Come on, Pop. Let's go. It's nice seeing you, Harvey.

Yeah, right, son.

Hey, listen here, Harvey.

You stick around. See, when we come back out here, we're going to need somebody

to protect us with all this money we're fixing to get.

Let me explain something to you, Pop. Now, you're not going to get this $1

as fast as you think you are, you know. Listen, as soon as Phillip hears what we

want it for, he'll be glad to give it up. Yeah, and then maybe you can give

suit up.

Uh, excuse me, please.

Fred G. signs up to see Mr. Phillip. Oh, Mr.

Stafford, please sit down.

Thank you, but I'll just sit down.

And you are Lamont Sanford?

Yes, Lamont here. He's the secretary treasurer of our conglomerate and

of our distributing chain and vice emperor of our empire.

Oh, it's nice to meet the both of you. I pass your empire every day on my way to

work.

Mr. Rhodes, please hold the call.

Yeah, this is it. And hold mine, too.

Now, what can I do for you? Not a thing. It's what we can do for you, Mr.

Magnesia.

That's Phillips.

Your business is low money, ain't it? I mean, is it not?

Yes.

Well, I'm here to help you stay in business.

We'll take $1 ,500, and now where do I sign?

Well, maybe I can explain. You see, we're thinking of an expansion program.

Yeah, it's an expansion program.

Yeah, we want to take over an existing piece of property.

An existing property.

And develop it to its full potential. We're full of potential.

Oh, that sounds very interesting.

We knew you'd feel that way. Where do I sign? Oh, now, wait a minute. It's a

little more complicated than that. I'll need a little more information.

Okay, but let's speed it up here, shall we? I mean, you'll find that our

financial position is strong, our physical earnings are up, and our

meter is running out.

Now, the nature of the $1 ,500 loan.

Well, see, there's a house next to us that's just recently been vacated, and

want to take it over.

Buy it? No, no, we want to rent it. We feel that the money that we get for the

rent would, you know, give us a nice little income.

Oh, that sounds good.

Thank you. Where do I sign?

Now, how did you arrive at your $1 ,500 figure?

I went to Vic Tanning.

with your $15 -looking face.

Mr. Sanford, I can understand your impatience, but I need to know why you

the $1 ,500.

Well, first we got to pay last month, the first month's rent, and, you know,

a little plumbing, a little advertising, and we wanted to get a sign.

Yeah, and then clean up the place, because the previous tenant was a Puerto

Rican named Julio, and it's going to cost us a couple hundred dollars just to

get rid of them chili stains.

to help the small businessman.

Small businessman?

Well, I'm only 5 '7". I mean, yeah.

That's my signature.

Now, you put it anywhere you want to.

Just give me my $1 ,500.

Is this to be a personal loan?

No, no, no.

This is to be made out to the empire.

Yeah, you see, our tax man thought it would be to our advantage if we took out

business loan, you know, when it comes time to fill out income tax.

That's what Bubba said?

What collateral do you have?

Huh?

You know, stocks, bonds, property, gold, diamonds. Keep on going, keep on going.

We got something.

Mr. Sanford, I can't believe that you've been in business all these years and

you have no collateral to put up.

Please believe it.

Mr. Sanford. Listen, I got a sister -in -law named Esther. Now, you can shove

her up your vault until I can get the money to pay you back.

I'm going to gamble with you. Let's just fill out this form.

Thank you. Hey, you're not going to be sorry, Mr. Phillips.

Look, excuse me for a minute. I've got to go put the money in the parking

Okay, now, you want to come back in, just knock on the door and the guard

let you in. Okay. Hey, Pop, you got a nickel for the meeting?

Nickel? Say, Maggie, do you have change for a dollar?

I think so.

Well, let my son have a nickel and make that loan out for $1 ,505.

Hey,

Pop. Try and answer the question straight. No fooling around. I know what

doing. Just go ahead. I know what I'm doing.

I'm crazy.

Go ahead, man.

Age.

Upper 50s.

Exactly how upper?

57.

Teen.

67.

I'm sorry, gentlemen. We are closed.

Good. We make it a rule never to hold up an open bank. Well, sir, you can come

back and...

The withdrawal slips are the pink ones.

You don't have to announce this. We'll introduce ourselves.

Can I do it, Al? This is my first time, and I want it to be special. Sure, Mel.

Go ahead. Oh, what a guy.

Hi,

everyone.

This is an armed robbery, and one of us is a known killer.

So stick him up. Stick him up.

How was I, Al? You did good, kid. Good.

All right, everybody, on the floor. Come on. Come on around. Listen, now,

remember, I was the first one in, so hold out my $1 ,500.

Come on, Mr. Ambassador.

You, too, on the floor.

Listen, listen, Mr. Powell, just leave $1 ,500 here because they got thousands

of stuff here over in the vault. Just leave my $1 ,500.

You men don't have a chance to get out of here with this money. We'll get out

here with all of it. Listen, you better sit down because you're going to have to

fill out a lot of forms.

about this job. I've pushed the alarm. The police could be here any minute.

The police don't ever get nowhere in a minute.

Hey, Melvin, you empty out all the drawers and you open that door.

That's impossible.

Listen, dummy, open up that.

Open up the door. Why risk your life? Don't risk your life. Give them what

want. That's my $1 ,500.

Al, there's somebody at the door.

And if there's any trouble, we shoot.

Oh, please, let it be Esther.

What's going on here?

What you think is going on is a bank robbery, dummy.

Bank robbers, I'm Melvin Herman, and this is Al. Shut up!

Robinson.

Melvin Herman?

Oh, my gosh, Lamont.

Lamont Sanford.

Melvin Herman, the cheerleader from junior high school?

I used to be a cheerleader, but now I'm a bank robber.

Give me a B. Give me an A. Give me an A.

How much we get?

Do I have to tell you?

How much?

$106.

What? For 57 cents?

That's impossible.

No, it's not.

Look at the neighborhood.

There's also about a dozen toasters back there. Oh, no, that's for new accounts.

Hey, listen, why don't you guys open up a new account, take your toaster, and

get the hell on out of here?

Okay, you.

Where's the money?

Well, most of it's in the safe, and it can't be opened until tomorrow morning.

Wait a minute. I can't stay until tomorrow morning. I got... I got deals

make. I got mergers to complete. I got a suit to return.

What are we going to do, Al? Quiet, I'm thinking.

Hey, Melvin. Quiet, he's thinking.

You've got two minutes.

Hey, Melvin, there's no way you're going to get out of this, man. Why don't you

give yourself up and it might go easy on your court?

Lamont was always the smart one in class.

Yeah, well, why didn't he graduate?

Keep quiet!

Listen, man, why don't you just try to figure out...

money after they take all this stuff out of here hey pop would you forget about

the loan we got other problems forget about the loan son life goes on even if

they steal all the money life goes on even if they shoot their way out of here

life goes on even if they shoot you no then life life stays in i go

I'm giving you your final warning.

Now, this whole thing is starting to get me a little jittery. Now, you got one

more chance to get out of here unharmed. If you cooperate. Understand?

Cooperate. I'm cooperating. Everybody get on the floor and I ain't gonna tell

you again.

On the floor.

We want to talk.

He wants to talk.

We've got nothing to say.

They ain't got nothing to say. Y 'all heard him.

I'm just cooperating.

tell him what we want.

Make sure he's unarmed. And just to make sure he's not carrying anything, have

him stripped to his shorts.

God, he'll catch his death.

You promised we weren't going to be cruel.

You just can't get good help these days. It's impossible.

peace talks.

Before we begin all this negotiating, I have got to know the condition of the

people you're going to kill.

Hey, we're all fine, Hoppy. Well, I think I would prefer a professional

opinion on that.

Mr. Sanford, how's your heart?

Well, if my heart goes, I can always borrow one off your underwear.

Are you really a cop?

Yes, I am a cop, and I wear my uniform.

with unmitigated pride.

That is what I'm wearing.

And you, what about you? You are the head crook, I presume. Is that correct?

Yes, you are correct.

And this is what we want.

Okay, shoot.

I mean, go ahead.

A car outside that door. A car outside that door. All you cops gone.

Cops will be gone.

And a plane at the airport.

Plane where? At the airport.

At the airport, yes.

Plane at the airport. Now, how about the hostages?

What about them? Well, they will have to be released before we can acquiesce to

any of these demands.

No deal.

Well, you can't get them all in the car.

I get carsick.

Would you rather be shot?

Oh, I share the driving and chipping on the gas.

Now, about these hostages that appear to be doomed.

All right, well, keep one and let the rest go.

If you need a volunteer, I'll stay. You have got a brave son there, Mr. Sanford.

I know it, and I'm proud of him. Yeah, thanks a lot, Pop.

I hope you realize that your chances of survival with this mad dog killer are

quite slim.

However, you will be remembered as the man with the big heart.

And the big mouth.

Yes. Well, I will relay all of these requests to my superiors.

And no tricks.

Well, I... have nothing up my sleeve.

I'll just go and tell them.

Gee, Lamont, you're so strong and heroic. I wish I got to know you better

algebra. I might be whatever you are.

Whatever are you? A junk man.

Maybe algebra isn't all that important.

Hey, look, I'm not heroic or anything. I just don't want anybody to get hurt,

you know? You in there.

Officer Hopkins has given us your demand.

And we agree if you let everyone out safely.

They're on their way. Come on, everybody, out.

My son, you're the best son a father could hope for. But I don't want you

sacrificing your life for me. I mean, you're young.

You're young and you got your whole life ahead of you.

I'll be the hostage and you go.

He is going.

You were staying.

But he volunteered.

Look, I'm running this robbery.

And you see, they wouldn't take a chance with an old man in here.

Come on, get going.

Hey, now that's good. Now everybody's gone. Now you go in there and crack that

safe and get my $1 ,500 and y 'all keep the rest.

What do you intend doing with me?

Oh, you coming in the car with us?

Then? Well, you'll be our protection all the way to the airport.

And then?

Then you're going to get into playing with us.

And then?

Then we'll throw you out.

think we scared him too much he looks bad is he elizabeth i'm coming honey

me at the gates i'll be the one with no money he looks ready to cash in hey you

promised me there'd be no trouble and i promised my wife if she knew it was

going to be this awful she would have put a kibosh on the whole thing kibosh

quiet i'm thinking oh quiet he's thinking oh

Well, if you don't want a hole in the head condition, you better get away from

there. Do what he says, Lamont. He's vicious.

I've seen him eat kidneys.

Get going.

We're leaving your car.

I'm halfway there, Elizabeth.

Oh, hello, Cloud.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Hey, the old man is dying in here.

Hey, send him some help. But no policemen, just doctors.

Hey, I'm Freddy. You Gabriel?

Hurry up.

Trying to make a dime.

Hey, this is the doctor for the stretcher. Come on, right this way.

We'll need some help.

You two, hands up.

Hey,

what about me?

Your son said you're okay.

He wasn't going nowhere until you got the money from that loan, and you know

Hey, wait a minute.

Reward. Clean the reward.

Is there a reward for these dudes? No, I'm sorry, Mr. Stanford.

There's nothing.

You know, I hate you. You know that?

But I'll take in consideration your bravery when I process your application.

You're nice.

Ah, ah, there you are.

Safe and sound.

Yeah, it could have been dead and gone.

Oh, never fear, Mr.

Sanford. The law is here.

Oh, and by the way, Lamont, here's a citation over time parking on the truck.

How do you like an overdue punch in your nose?

Oh, we'll take care of that ticket, Mr. Sanford.

Oh, yeah, you know, you turn out to be all right. Hey, let us know about the

loan. Oh, you'll get your loan.

Really? I mean, that's great. Really, you're going to give us a loan? You hear

that, Lamont? That means we're going to be able to open up Sanford Arms.

Hey, that's great. That's great, Pop. Yeah.

Bye, Lamont.

I'm sorry it turned out this way, Melvin. Oh, that's okay.

You know, I really envy you. You have something I never had.

A really wonderful, marvelous father.

If I'd had a father like him, I might have turned out to be a better human

being.

It's been an honor, sir.

You know, I really liked him.

Why couldn't you be more like that, dummy?

You say this is going to be live? That's correct.

Good afternoon.

Don Martinson here, reporting from the State Federal Bank in Watts.

Now, the gentleman standing next to me is Mr. Fred Sanford.

G. G? G. Fred G. Sanford. Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Fred G. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford successfully thwarted an attempt at bank robbing this afternoon

this very bank.

Mr. Sanford, what you did took a lot of courage.

Courage.

Daring.

And a little chivava on the side.

And Mr. Sanford, Mr.

Sanford, excuse me, I'm sure, I'm sure that our viewers would like to know why

you did this. I mean, why would you risk your life for this bank?

Well, the answer to that is very simple.

See, I risked my life because this bank is an important part of our community.

Right, Mr. Phillips? Yes, sir.

And it goes to the health of people like me. That's right.

I see.

I'm not finished yet. This bank was good to me. You see, I came in here for a

loan. They granted it. That's right.

I risked my life because I felt I owed them something for loaning me $1 ,800.

That's right.

He said, that's right. You heard him, America.

$1 ,800.

We need that $1 ,800.

No, not really.

Yeah.

Hello, America.

This is my son, Lamont.

We're the owners of the new Sanford Arms.

Every wall has a ceiling. Every bed with a spray.

Drop in soon.

We'll rent you a room.

Yeah, I'd just like to say that... Thank you, sir, for that unsolicited

testimony. Excuse me, Mr.

Sanford. I find that we're running out of time, but before we sign off, I'm

that the millions and millions of viewers... would like very much to know,

perhaps you'd give them one inspirational thought, since you are the

hour. How about that, Mr. Penford?

Millions of viewers. Millions. Well, only because you insisted.

And would I be sure that love be...

Look at this check, son.

$1 ,800.

Tomorrow we'll deposit it. All right. Hey, I still don't know why you didn't

want to put this in our account today.

Well, see, this way, it's a new account, and we can get a toaster.

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

I'll deposit it the first thing in the morning, and then we can start working

Julio's place.

Yeah, and then the next thing we ought to do is give our place a little class.

Yeah, we need some class.

Yeah, see, because all them fancy hotels, they have their own emblem.

Oh, we should have an emblem?

I can see it now.

All the seats, the pillowcases, the tiles, the silver webs, have it on.

have beautiful emblems on them. Oh, yeah. S .A. S .A. That's classy.

Yeah, that's classy. Say, son, drive me down to the bus station.

The bus station? Where you going?

New Mexico.

Yeah, I feel this sudden urge to spend some time at the Sheridan Albuquerque.