Original subtitles

Hey, Pop, are you in the living room?

Yes, son.

Well, could you come out here and give me a hand? I got a lot of stuff to do

here.

Did I say yes?

I lied.

Give

me

a hand with this, please.

Oh, poker night.

I forgot y 'all were going to play poker tonight.

Completely skipped my mind.

Let's get one thing straight right now. Now, you're not going to play poker with

us tonight, and that's all there is to it.

How could you say that to your own father?

It's easy, because the last poker game we had over here, you got mad, turned

table over, tore up the cards, and tried to hit Julio in the head with the lamp.

Well, Julio said I was a sore loser.

And besides, I don't know why you play with him all the time.

Every time he's shuffling a card, you get chilly all over.

Look, Pop, all we want to have is a nice, friendly, relaxed game of poker.

Well, listen, I'm nice, and I'm friendly, and I want to play some poker.

how relaxed I am.

Was it friendly when you asked Rollo to pull his pants down because you said he

was hiding cards in his underwear?

Well, listen, son, I... This is no nothing, man. Look, your behavior is bad

enough, but the reason that I don't want you in the game tonight is because

you're a lousy card player.

You're always losing, and then you borrow money from me, and you never pay

back. Me lose?

What gives you that idea?

By looking at Julio. Your shirt looks great on him.

Well, I win it back. You wait and see. No, you won't, because you're not

with us tonight.

You're not good enough to play with us, Pop.

What do you mean I'm not good enough? What makes you think you're so good?

Look, man, I know I'm good, and I can prove it.

Since we've been having the poker game, see, I've managed to stash away over 60

bucks in winnings. Listen, son, let me play with you all night.

I mean, you must have a 60 -bucket tag somewhere.

Forget it. Look, I got to split for a minute, and I'll be back here in about

hour. And I'd appreciate it if you'd have dinner ready for me, because I want

get the game started early.

Okay, son, I'll have it ready. But see, it'll probably be the last meal that I'm

going to fix with this unwanted, tired, broken -down body.

Well, that's good, because we haven't had unwanted, tired, broken -down old

in over a week.

You can make fun if you want to, but don't be surprised.

If you find my heart in the jello mold.

I can't play with him because he's got some money. And I don't play good

All right, all right. Money.

It's me, all right, because nobody else would be caught dead in this body.

Yeah, that's funny, Al. You still got that piss in your mouth.

Hey, come on in, Al. Come on, make yourself at home.

Listen, I tell you what. You sit on down, and I'll go to the kitchen and get

a couple of beers. Yeah, I'd like that.

I know it.

Yeah.

It's been a long time, huh?

What do you say?

I say it's been a long time, huh? No, it ain't been that long. I had me a beer

this morning. No, no, no.

It's been about 25 years since we have seen each other. We're real pals, aren't

we? Mean and lean.

Yeah, well, look at us now. Lumpy and dumpy.

Say, Fred, would you mind opening this can for me? You see, I just had a

manicure. Oh, yeah.

You still keep that good manicure, don't you?

Oh, that's my one luxury, Fred. You know, I always was a little vain about

hands. Yeah.

And I know why, too, because, see, wasn't a guy in the world could stand up

you when it came to playing cards.

And you was always one of the best dealers in the world. I don't gamble

anymore. Right now, I'm living with my daughter and son -in -law over at that

little old apartment.

Sound like a couple of nice kids.

Oh, yeah, they're nice, all right.

And they're always giving me presents, like bus tickets for anywhere.

But right now, I'm just sort of riding around looking up old friends, and not

many of them left friends.

Well, you got one in me, Al. Don't you forget that.

I want you to stay here and have dinner with me tonight.

Are you sure?

Sure. I don't want to impose on you, but it looks like you're already having

company. No, see, that's for poker tonight. See, my son Lamar is having

his friends over, and they're going to play poker tonight.

Oh.

And so are you.

You know, Fred, I've known you for a long time, and I can look right up under

those eyes, and I... I can see that you are up to no good.

I'm past no good. I'm up to evil and approaching treachery. Oh, now, careful,

Fred. Oh, don't worry about that. See, Lamont and his buddies think they're

hot -shot card players. Oh, and you want me to take them down a peg or two? No,

I don't want you to take them down a peg or two. I want you to drive a stake

through their heart. All right.

Look, Fred, a little con can be a lot of fun, but sometimes feelings can get

hurt. Well, it ain't when you feel you get hurt. See, all I want you to do...

It'll win all the money so I can see their faces, and then we'll give them

money back. All right, but what am I going to do about money?

Oh, well, look. I got two bucks here.

Here's what we'll do.

I got two dollars, and we'll take this notebook and put a dollar on one side

a dollar on the other side, and then wrap it around this rubber band. See

Look. You got a bankroll here big enough to choke a horse.

This ain't nothing for them four jackasses.

Yeah, what are we going to have?

Oh, I'm fixing one of my favorite dips today.

See, I take two large garlic pods and crush them, and then I grate three great

big onions, and then I wrap it velvetly around a pound of Limburger cheese.

What do you call it?

You don't have to call it, because you always know where it is.

Fred, that was some good meal.

Thanks, Al. Say, Lamont.

When are your friends coming over here to play poker?

Now, they'll be here any minute, and I want you to promise me something. Now,

you can watch, but just, you know, don't interfere with nothing, because it

takes a lot of concentration to play poker, Pop.

Oh, I promise you, son, we'll be good.

We'll be very good.

Okay, fine.

Now, would you all excuse me for... Yeah, upstairs on the left.

Right. No, left.

Say hello to Julio.

All right, then say hello to your ex -shirt.

That's funny, that's funny.

Say, Julio, that shirt does look good on you. Hey, thank you very much, Mr.

Sanford. It would even look better if you washed it.

And then starch it and iron it and then fold it up real neat and shove it up

your nose.

Hey, pops, how's it going?

Oh, it's pretty good, Rollo.

Crime outside went down 50%. Why?

Because you're inside.

Hey, Rollo.

How come you got here on time, man? Say, man, we took the bus.

You should have been there, man.

The bus driver asked for the exact change, so he took a 50 -cent piece and

it in half.

Let's sit down and play some poker.

Hey, man, I can dig it, man. I'm high. Tonight. Oh, yeah, man. Where do I sit?

Huh? Where do I sit?

Anywhere you want to, brother.

Right.

Hey, Al.

Look here, Al.

Here's my friend.

I'm going to introduce you to him.

Hey, fellas.

This is my buddy, Al.

This is Julio. Hey, Al. And Rollo. What's happening, my man? And Telephone

Hey, hiya, fellas.

Come on, my dear. Come on, dear.

poker game is nothing better than a good, friendly game of cards.

Listen, don't mess with me. I'll tell you now. They'll give you high and dry.

He's right, amigo. This is not a game for kids.

Yeah, we'd ask you to play with us, Mr. Banks, but I think the stakes might be

just a little too high for you.

Oh, well, then that's okay.

Fred, I think I'll run down to the store and get some refreshments for us.

But let me check my cash first. Yeah, check your cash.

Okay. Hey, look at your case.

Hey, why don't you sit down here and check it right here, brother?

Pillsbury don't make rules that big.

Yeah.

Hey, wait a second. We just happen to have an extra... Excuse me, Mr. Sanford.

We got an extra chair right here.

Mr. Sanford, please.

Hey, look at that. This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I can

tell... Excuse me, Mr. Sanford, please.

You mean you fellas are inviting me to play?

When I lose 100, I don't quit.

Okay, brother man. In honor of you sitting down to play with us, we're

let you deal the first hand.

And we're playing seven -card step poker. Seven -card step.

That's right. It's a little nervous.

I tell you, I'm glad I didn't eat before I came over here because it looks like

we're going to have fish for dinner.

That's why you deal everybody five cards, right?

No, no, no, that's where you deal everybody's seven cards, but that's a

a poker player with me It

has

to be one all the way around first one at a time

like I win again, fellas.

Man,

I'd better quit before I lose my accent.

Look,

why don't you fellas deal me out of the next one, you see? I have to run

upstairs for a minute.

Don't go up there and stay too long, because I think Rollo want to go up

and push himself to death.

That was good.

Hey, wait a minute.

Take that money with you. Oh, I trust everybody.

Uh -uh. Listen, It's better to be safe than sorry and broke.

Man, I just got to be the luckiest dude in the world, man.

I tell you, man, I'm down $15.

I lost that myself, man. Yeah, me too.

$25 I lost.

Oh, man.

Hey, man, nobody's that lucky. I'm going to go over here and get some more money

and get back in the game.

Oh, wait a minute, son. Wait a minute, son. It ain't no use.

I might as well tell you. There's something I want to tell you about my

Al. Hey, man, I knew it. Cash been cheap.

No, wait a minute. Hey, man, wait a minute.

a professional gambler, and I invited him here tonight just to teach you guys

that y 'all wasn't so smart and everything with your hot shot gambling.

You mean to tell me that you and Al had this whole thing set up?

Yes, son. See, he's coming right down and give everybody their money back.

Oh. Well, I got to admit, man, he took us clean.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess we deserved it.

Nice going, Pops.

I'm not Pops.

I'm Lollipops. And you're the full all -day sucker.

time yeah he's been going off a long time

he's coming down don't get excited he'd come down

and bring the money back i hope so man no question that's a lot of money you

know yeah he's gone gone yeah but he left something the money no the window

and a footprint in the soap dish wait a minute wait a minute now listen you get

your money back No, no, no, don't start nothing.

You get all the money back.

I feel sorry, son.

I'm so sorry for you, son.

I'm sorry for you, son. You're sorry for me? Yeah.

I think he's going to try to make you an orphan.

Hello,

missing persons?

I'm missing a person.

And if I don't find him right away, I'm going to be missing an arm and a leg.

Yeah, black, brown, tan sport coat.

Yes. And he got some soap between his toes.

Yes.

Thank you so much.

And listen.

Hello, son.

Yeah, Al's in a moment. Yeah, Al, I'll meet you down there. Okay, Al.

You know I'll be there, Al.

Of course, Al.

See you later, Al.

Yeah, son, I told you, you know, not to worry about him. He's all right. Well,

where is he, and what happened?

See, well, it's a little complicated, but I'll tell you about it when I get

back. With the money?

Right. All of it? Right. And cash?

Right, son.

And another thing, listen, don't worry about dinner, because I might be late.

How late?

July, August, September.

happened to that guy that beat us for all that money i know man my father said

he was going to going down to meet him and get all our money back well man i'll

face him as far as i'm concerned i forget about my 10 bucks but you know

upset arms crowder can get you remember the late roland gilio i

thought i had arms calmed down last night man and i walked out in the yard

morning and he was trying to eat the spare tire off the truck

Let's begin by filling out this pink form, shall we?

And let's end by giving me some green money, shall we?

We do the very best we can.

Well, that's good, because if we don't get me a job real quick, we will be

signing my death certificate.

Your name, please?

Fred Sanford.

Your age?

Forty.

Would you repeat that, please?

Fred Sanford.

did you say you were?

Fifty.

Education?

Uh, yes, indeed.

How much, Mr. Sanford?

Well, I figure about sixty bucks a day.

No, no, no. How much education have you had?

Did you go to college?

Almost.

High school?

You're getting closer.

Junior high?

How about junior low?

Do you have a trade?

Yeah, look here. How much will you give me for this whistle?

Just what kind of work were you expecting?

Well, I don't want nothing too messy, you know, like brain surgery. I don't

that.

No problem.

And the airline pilot trade, that's out.

Mr. Sanford, let's be realistic.

You are totally lacking in the education and or skills necessary to qualify for

most of our placement opportunities. To say nothing of your age, which falls

well outside the optimum actuarial median.

Well, thank you very much.

Now, look here, sister.

Give it to me straight. I have one job open for you as a hydro -automotive

maintenance technician.

Oh, that sounds good. Where is it?

The Jiffy Car Wash.

Happy wiping.

Happy wiping.

Hey, listen.

Why don't you come on down here to Jibby sometime and get a hot wax on your

face?

It's almost five o 'clock.

Relax, man. You said yourself it was going to be late.

I know, man, but I could tell by looking at him that he was worried.

I tell you, man, he's going to have reason to worry if Arm's Crowder comes

and wants his money back.

Jiffy Car Wash?

Hey, man, you didn't go to meet Al Batch. You went down there and got a job

the car wash, didn't you? Oh, Mr. Sopper, you look tired. Why don't you

down, man?

Come on, Pops, sit down. Take it easy, son.

Take it easy with me.

I think I got a... I think I got a barracuda in my boots.

Get that

other one.

Hey, listen, man. I got to go, man. I got to feed Chico. I'm sorry about that.

Hey, feel better, Mr. Sanford. Hasta luego.

Yeah, and God don't bother you.

Listen, son.

Look here.

I made $9.

Now, do you think you can give that to your friends until Al comes back?

Hey, Pop, look, let's face it, man. Al is a thief, and he's not coming back. So

let's just forget about him. Don't say that. Don't say that about Al. Look,

known Al for 30 years, and I have faith in him.

And he wouldn't let me down. See, it's got to be some simple explanation.

There is.

He ripped us off.

Don't you talk about hell like that.

I'm going to break every bone in your body. I know what you mean.

Look, look, look, wait a minute. Now, just take it easy. Now, you'll get your

money. Just don't threaten my father no more, all right? Now, just stay there.

Now, you'll get your money. Right.

Listen, son, where you leave me, bud? My day ain't my time or trouble.

I'm going to give you this money. This is the money that I've been saving from

the poker game that I had stashed away so you can pay him and then pay the rest

of the guys off.

No, that's charity. I don't want you to give me that money.

Pop. This is not charity, man. I'm going to tell you something. That car wash

will kill you faster than arms will.

Well, listen, I want to make my own money. I don't want that money.

Look, consider it a loan.

Now, just take this money and consider it a loan. Well, I'm going to pay you

back. Whenever you get it, man. Pay me whenever. I'll tell you what. Pay me

year. All right? Next year? Next year.

Here. Give me the money.

Hey, listen here, buddy.

Here's your money. Why don't you go somewhere and buy yourself a

I guess that's that.

Thanks a lot, son. Hey, would you do me a favor?

Anything, son. In the future, be a little more careful about the people

call your friends.

I'm going to bed.

Hey, Pop.

Hey, Al.

Al, you came back.

I knew you came back. See, did I tell you you were wrong?

Wrong? Yeah. See, Lamont said that you stole all the money and was never coming

back. Well, Fred, Lamont was right. I did steal the money, and I was never

to come back.

But on my way to the bus station, I saw you working at that car wash, and I

realized something.

In you, Fred, I realized I had something that all the money in the world

couldn't buy.

A friend.

So here's your money. Here's every penny of it. All the money?

All of it.

See, Adam, I told you it was wrong. Al, thanks a lot, Al.

But you know what we're going to do?

go somewhere and celebrate.

Me and you, I'm gonna take you down to Jacob's Whole Foods and buy you the

biggest dinner you ever had in your life. What'd you all pray? Hey, wait a

minute, wait a minute. What do you mean you're gonna take him to Jacob's Whole

Foods and buy him a dinner? That's my money.

No, no.

This is my money. You loaned it to me.

Yeah, but I loaned you that money when you didn't have no money to pay your

off, man.

Now, I want my money back.

But I didn't see that in the credit application.

Well, just how do you propose to pay me my money back?

Well, now,

You have a choice.

Either let me play every Friday when y 'all play poker and win a little bit

every week, or that's the choice.

Look here, Al, I'm going upstairs to put my shoes on. I'll be on back down in a

minute. Back out the way. All right.

Hi, Pop.

Hi, son.

Man, I am tired.

Sit down here and give me a little rest.

Yeah, well, cheer up, son. I got some good news.

Al is coming here to live in Los Angeles for good.

Well, that's okay. Al's a nice guy. Yeah. I guess I'll go upstairs and take

little nap. You can't go up there, son, because Al's up there in your bed.

Well, I'll just go in here and make myself a meatloaf sandwich.

No, no.

Al and I had the meatloaf for lunch.

Well, I'll just sit down here and nibble a little popcorn and watch a little

television. No, wait a minute. That's Al's popcorn.

See, we've been watching an afternoon movie, and it's a good one on the date.

It's called... Godzilla eats Benji.

No nap, no food, no television. Just what am I supposed to do?

Well, I have no suggestion.

Practice.