Original subtitles

It's cheap skates. This is a hot point. Hot point is a very reliable piece of

merchandise, Russell. It's made in America.

It's got lousy resale value.

Well, at least they sprung for these Australian crystal doorknobs. Look at

Russell. Gold plated. $800 for the left, $800 for the right.

Hey, Russell, can I keep this one?

No, Jimmy, you cannot keep this one.

It's Austrian crystal.

Oh, that's very nice.

Five hundred clams retailed.

Does that mean we can get that massaging car seat for the truck? I saw one in a

catalog. Would you stop with the car seat? Remember that stupid taxi driver's

friend you wanted?

Huh? Remember that?

Yeah. His beads pulled my hair out.

upside down on their mortgage, and I happen to know that Savings West is

desperate to unload it.

With your finely honed taste, though, I know you're going to notice the

exquisite attention to detail.

Things like the leap start light fixtures.

Get the light.

Check.

Imported porcelain bidet.

Toilets. Check.

And a Swedish fire oven.

So?

Taking candy from a baby.

He was a cop and good at his job, but he committed the ultimate sin and

testified against other cops gone bad.

Cops that tried to kill him, but got the woman he loved instead.

Framed for murder, now he prowls the badlands.

An outlaw hunting outlaws.

A bounty hunter.

A renegade.

Sold on getting one of these.

Better watch out. It's habit forming.

Hey, Bobby, what's happening?

Excuse me, but what are you doing with my personal trainer?

Fulfilling a fantasy. My first Harley ride. Really?

Why don't you go ahead and get your own personal trainer? In fact, you already

look like an after picture anyway.

Lucky jeans and good food. What can I say? Besides, looks aren't important.

You are so right. Looks aren't important.

You know, those are exactly my same words, sir. Because you know what really

important? What?

Cash. And Lake Bradshaw is about to rake it in. Ladies and gentlemen, you're

about to meet a marketing genius.

Action lingerie.

Action what?

Action lingerie. It's a totally unexploited marketing niche. You see,

workout wear for the gym.

And loungewear for the boudoir. But no one has ever explored activewear for the

bedroom.

Maybe there's a good reason for that.

Oh, ye of so little faith. I'll have you know that a national magazine wants to

do a full -color photo spread of our new product. Bobby, take a reality check,

okay? Uh, what national magazine?

A major color glossy.

Tops in the biz.

Health and fitness?

Better. Muscle?

Shape? Better, better.

What? Tell me.

Playpen.

Playpen? Correctamundo.

The absolute arbiter of female pulchritude wishes to do a layout on

cleaners. Up close and personal.

And, well, due to my brilliant negotiating, guess what they'll be

Action lingerie?

Lake Bradshaw action lingerie. You know what? Forget the reality check, okay?

You need a full checkup.

Let me get you out of here before he gets you in body -piercing quarterly.

on. Wait, wait.

What's, uh, my percentage?

Come on, Ponty, we're tired of nickel -and -dime foreclosures. Give us the big

banana.

Now, this is a magnificently appointed home in a prestige zip code.

The hoolay curtain rods alone are worth thousands.

You'll notice it features a hot point fridge and tankless water heater. No,

I'm not going after no more water heaters. Bat -neft in those crawl

I told you that was a moth.

Moths don't squeak.

You see what I'm saying?

Would you... Stop crying out loud, Jimmy. They squeak. There wasn't a

There wasn't a squeak. Forget the water heater.

All it's worth is copper salvage anyway.

There's 20 grand worth of appliances in the damn kitchen.

Daddy Warbucks just leaves that stuff laying around to rust.

Serves him right if it takes a walk.

We're going to recycle everything, right?

Yes, we are, laddie.

We are going to compost the whole lot of it.

And it's all going to come up green.

Hello. Oh, I hope you're Miss Bradshaw's partner.

Robert Jay, six -killer, CEO of Lake Bradshaw's Action Lingerie. Elaine

photo editor of Playpen Magazine.

Photo editor?

Mm -hmm.

Yes, I choose the girls for the pictorials. I dress them, style them,

them.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but I find that very funny only because a

woman's doing that job. You know, you think maybe a man will taste and, well,

you know.

I know what you mean.

You see, if most men dressed the pen pal, all they'd ever wear would be their

birthday suits and leather underwear.

Besides, somebody has to chaperone the girls on their photo shoots.

And that would be the photo editor.

That's right.

Yes, just call me the keeper of the candy store.

This is the location that I've chosen for the up -close and personal trainer.

Very nice. Well, you know, I am looking forward to seeing my line, my creation,

kind of fleshed out, so to speak.

Would you like to meet them now?

Well, I don't know. You know, kind of time.

Michelle!

Robin!

Come on, girls. There's someone I want you to meet.

Who's the Eagle Scout?

And why is he wearing a highlighter pin?

Robert J. Sixkiller, CEO of Lake Bradshaw's Action Lingerie. I designed

clothing that you'll be wearing tomorrow.

The Action Lingerie!

You made that?

Yes! I love it.

It doesn't bind.

It gives it all the right places.

And I move around a lot in bed.

Really? Mm -hmm.

I'm a restless sleeper.

So am I. Uh, Mr. Sixkiller, how do you like the house?

Mr. Sixkiller?

Sometimes I have nightmares, can't sleep.

Mr. Sixkiller?

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself.

Hello, Mr. Sixkiller.

How do you like the house?

Oh, I love the house. It's wonderful.

I'm sorry I didn't see you there.

It happens a lot since I took this job.

Actually, since I turned 50.

Spandex or Lycra?

Armed robbery or insurance fraud?

Spandex.

Look, check it out. This guy, Russell Sheldrakes, wanted for avoiding

prosecution for selling hot refrigerators.

No, stoves are hot.

Refrigerators are cold. All right.

Peach or aubergine?

Will you get a grip? We are not in the underwear business.

I'm on a sabbatical.

Well, it's a bad time for a vacation.

It's a buffet out there for bad guys. People are doing their Christmas

shoplifting early.

Why don't you come with me and take one look at these lovely ladies, and then

you can tell me to stick the scum balls in sleeves bags, all right?

One second, I thought you'd go ahead and just stay right here.

Will you just stick with what you know, okay?

My Uncle Cyrus always told me that a good cobbler doesn't try to shoe horses.

You don't have an Uncle Cyrus.

Why don't we start in the big house?

You want to carry a tub freeze from there to here or a switchblade from here

there?

Oh, gotcha.

This isn't even gold -plated.

Let's forget that.

These rich schmoes, half the time they install payphones for their friends.

Look, look alive.

Make love to the camera.

That's right. Raise your head, Michelle.

Straighten your shoulders, Roxanne.

Swipe your hips, girls.

My fan's in my way.

You're blocking my light. I am not. I'm in my space.

You guys, stop arguing.

I'm going to be here all day.

Great. Getting up on my fan.

Terrific.

Jimmy, you got the switch plates? What about the curtain rods?

Uh -oh.

What do you mean, oh?

That's it, girl. Look alive.

Wonderful.

Great.

Oh, come on. Hey, I told you you're welcome to come. I want you to come. You

don't want me to come. You want the girls all to yourself. I do not. It's

Abandon your partner. See if I care. Will you stop that? I want you to come.

come with me. Come on.

Sorry, Calvin Klein.

I got fugitives to catch.

Is there anything wrong, Miss Carlisle?

Oh, probably just a peeping Tom.

Well, he'll just have to go and buy the magazine like everybody else.

Sorry about this, mister, but Russell says I've got to move your car.

9 -1 -1? Oh, no. Hey, lady. Lady, lady, don't do that.

Send the police immediately.

A man is being attacked.

Hurry. Quick. Listen to the man, lady.

Girls, photo shoot's over.

Oh, grandma's done.

It's been a little change in plans.

What are you going to do with that?

Yeah. What are we going to do with Tom Russell?

I don't know.

Let him cure off, I guess so.

You didn't hire the kidnappers. You meant well.

Yeah, look how it turned out.

Nobody could have predicted what happened.

What happened?

The limousine driver didn't see a thing. He got walloped from behind.

The photographer said there was two of them, armed and dangerous. The sketch

artist is getting descriptions as we speak.

You think they followed them to the house?

Either that or went ahead and surprised them here.

A hideout?

Could be.

It's uncomfortable digs, though. The owner's abandoned the place. It's

completely empty.

Empty? What do you mean? Like stripped?

Down to the wiring.

Parts of it.

Why, does that mean something to you?

Maybe. The question is why did they kidnap the girls and leave the other

witnesses?

Why did you take us and leave the other witnesses?

Five witnesses, five descriptions.

All different.

What's it to you, anyway?

I'm concerned about our safety.

We're not going to kill you.

Won't even hurt you if you behave.

Then why kidnap us?

What do you hope to gain?

I figure you've got to be worth more than a refrigerator.

Kidnapping is a capital crime, you know.

Well, don't think of it as kidnapping.

Think of it as a housewarming party.

Oh, what army are you picking on?

Got to get those girls out of there. Out of where? Bobby, will you slow down?

We've got to think this through.

So damn responsible.

Well, pretend you're a bounty hunter for a minute, okay?

All right, three girls go in on a photo shoot, okay?

They run into two guys ripping off abandoned mansions. Or living in them.

I don't think so.

No sterno cans, no food wrappers. Well, why would somebody want to rip off an

abandoned mansion?

Appliances, man.

Lighting fixtures. Stuff that's all worth money.

You're sure, right? I mean, you could feed the homeless for what this carpet

costs.

So you said the house was stripped of the walls.

The guest house was, right.

They started from the back.

Right? I mean, it's a pretty decent scam.

And something's telling me that we know the person who pulled this off.

Come on, move. Inside to the left. Down the hall. Let's go.

That's it. Keep going.

Lovely.

Kidnap us, threaten us, throw us in a prison right out of an architectural

digest.

Here's your girl's clothes and stuff.

Make your pills to home.

Sorry, ma 'am. Didn't bring no hairspray or nothing.

Well, at least the girls won't get cold.

May I use the powder room, please?

What is this, the third grade? Of course you can go to the camp.

Just don't leave this house.

Or I'll shoot you down like a wolverine.

What's a wolverine, Russell?

Shut up, Jimmy.

Oh, my God, there's no toilet.

What do you suppose they want with us?

Oh, duh.

I can't imagine what two horny studs would want with three playpen models.

They're not going to... No, I don't think they are. If that's what they were

after, it would be fish bait by now.

She's right, you know.

Then what do they want? My partner always says, follow the money.

My guess is they're going to ransom us.

To whom?

Whoever's willing to pay.

That's probably what they're working out right now.

Of course.

The merchandise might be gone before the invoice goes out.

We've got to work out a plan.

I've got a few ideas.

Now, who do we think controls the purse strings at

Playpen Magazine?

Mr. Managing Editor or Mr. Editor -in -Chief?

Actually, it's Ms.

Publisher.

Something smells awfully good.

You got any more of those for the girls? They're darling. Ma 'am, got a whole

bunch. Good.

Look, the girls don't work for Playpen magazine.

It's a pictorial, a layout, a one -shot deal.

You work for Playpen.

Well, I didn't take your stupid lipstick. There's nobody else here that

Miss Carlisle, will you ask Roxanne if she took my lipstick?

Ask her yourself, dear.

She'll just lie to me.

Do I look like someone who would want hoochie -coochie coral or baby butt pink

or whatever that upchuck color is you wear?

It's called sweet 16.

I rest my case.

Hey, ladies, ladies, can't we all just get along?

We haven't gone to the bathroom for 16 hours.

Well, gee, maybe you want the keys to the limo, huh? You could drive down to

police station and ask to use the potty. Look, we're cold, we're hungry, and

we're still wearing that yucky camera makeup that takes up your pores.

You've got to do something.

Ooh, ooh, wait. I got an idea. Here, Miss Carlisle.

Jimmy, what are you doing?

What... I'll have you ladies fixed up in no time.

That's very nice of you, Mr. Kidnapper Man.

But I am not going in there with pages torn out of Playpen magazine.

If you know what I mean.

Somebody's got to go to the store.

Yeah. We need soap. We need toothpaste.

We need deodorant. Well, if it'll shut up your yammering, I'll send Jimmy to

store. Here.

Make a list.

Real Estate Association has had a pin in these guys for months.

Russell Sheldrake, the brains, Jimmy Smalls, the brawn. Reno, my boy, you

earned yourself a raise.

On what? You don't pay me a salary.

Then I'll just increase your cut.

You want to take the smart guy's relative or the dumb guy's cellmate?

How do you know he did time?

Dumb ones always do time.

Get the clear gel deodorant, not the stuff that leaves the flaky residue.

Okay. Oh, and make sure that soap has a cleansing cream in it.

Don't they all?

Okay, okay.

Oh, and get the super absorbent tampons, the ones with the plastic applicator.

What?

Tampons. We need a box of tampons. Oh, no.

Miss Roxanne, next to Miss Michelle, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever

seen. Heck, I would strangle an alligator with my bare hands for you.

But I would not buy those things you said.

For no one. Never.

Then we contact my partner, Bobby Sixkiller. He'll know what to do.

The lingerie designer?

Aren't they usually a little, you know... Actually, he's a bounty hunter.

Lingerie is just a hobby.

Everyone clear on what to do?

What if he overpowers us?

We're fitness trainers.

He drinks beer for breakfast.

He won't overpower us.

Yeah, what happens if he shoots us?

Oh, Roxanne.

Get a grip.

Be a team player.

You guys go to the living room and start to warm up. I'll be right there.

Are you sure you're up for this?

What I'm not up for is sitting back and waiting for the X to fall.

I just meant... I know.

I know what you meant.

Believe me, I've seen tougher action than you ever will.

Okay. And let's give those bums a show they'll never... Forget it.

I finally convinced you to check the backgrounds on these guys.

Russell was a chubby kid when he was growing up. He hated what people called

Brussels sprout.

Jimmy always slept in the bottom bunk because he was afraid of height.

Sounds pretty harmless to me.

Strong back, weak mind.

Russell's the alpha dog here, and he bites.

He's violent?

Violent. Rap sheet right out of Stockton.

Ended a pool game by bouncing the whole rack on top of his opponent's head one

by one. Apparently he called him Brussels sprout. And no one had any idea

they might be?

Not a clue.

Okay, let's work back from the other direction.

They'd like to go after big -ticket properties in foreclosure, right?

Yeah.

So let's call a real estate agent. How many properties like that can there be

out there?

Let's say you're not heavily positioned in the real estate market because the

market has crashed. This whole city's in foreclosure.

Only needs a damn address.

1135 L. Scorpion Drive.

Call the FBI or radio for backup like in Hill Street Blues?

Well, I trust Vince, my partner, here more than the minions of law

Besides, these fellas, well, there's a bounty out on them.

Miss Carlisle, I wouldn't let anything in the world happen to Lake.

Well, I don't want anything to happen to any of my girls.

Your girls? You make it sound like they're your daughters.

They're more than that. They're me, a few years back.

Insecure, immature.

Being taken advantage of by fast -talking men. Believe me, nobody takes

advantage of Lake Bradshaw.

I know that. She's got more going for her than just her figure.

Well, it sounds like Playpen Magazine certainly has a great photo editor.

They had themselves a pretty good Miss Playpen in 1963.

Miss Carlisle, you're full of surprises.

Call me Elaine.

Hey, can I come with you?

Well, Elaine, you see, my insurance does not cover den mothers.

What he means is, we just don't want you to get hurt. I will get in the way.

Besides, I've always wanted to ride on a Harley.

You will, just not today.

I need you to get in that office, get on the phone, and call Playpen Magazine.

Make sure they sit on this story as long as they can.

Where's your boss, the editor?

She's in the bathroom.

Hello, ma 'am?

They know who you are. They'll figure out where you are in a New York minute.

Excuse me.

Hi, Michelle.

Hi, Jimmy.

Hey, where's the old... Where's Miss Carlisle?

Um, I think she's in the bedroom.

You know, you can't keep this prisoner here forever.

We wouldn't dream of that. As your friends so thoughtfully pointed out, the

authorities are on to him.

Miss Carlisle! Hey, Miss Carlisle!

Are you up here?

Miss Carlisle?

She's not there neither.

Which one of you bimbos stashed Auntie Mame?

Russell, you shouldn't talk like that about a lady.

A bunch of half -naked floozies. They ain't no ladies.

Neither is their den mom.

Okay, off. Let's go.

Where are we going?

Well, with Auntie May missing, the cops are going to show up here any minute.

It's time we visit old Monty and get the key to our new crib.

I'm getting tired of this place anyway.

Wool carpets wreaks havoc on my sinuses.

Wait, wait.

I need a pit stop first.

Just an eensy -teensy one.

Please?

I don't think they're going to get me in no trouble now.

Russell gets real mean when he's mad.

Yes, Master.

Whatever you say.

No.

Check this out.

Come here.

Ah, griddle, you clever girl.

Well, sir?

Montague Real Estate. Are you ready to improve your position in the real estate

market?

Well, I ain't leaving here without it. Yeah, well, you're not getting it.

What part of 20 grand in the keys to your boat don't you understand?

See, I kidnapped a truckload of centerfolds parts. They are not

They're a pectoral.

Look, they walked in on us. What was I supposed to do with them? And you expect

to smuggle a half dozen D -cups past a Mexican border?

With 20 grand for bribe money, I could get the Dallas cheerleaders through Otay

Mesa.

I'm in the salvage business, Russell. I don't know if I'm kidnapped.

It's going to be a learning experience for both of us.

How are you guys holding up?

I'm scared, Blake.

No one knows where we are.

We don't even know where we're going.

We'll get out of this, Michelle.

Man smart, woman smarter.

Cry it out loud, Blake. Take a look around.

We seem to be the only evidence here who can talk.

You think they're going to keep us around so we can identify them?

They're not going to kill us.

Why not? Because you're too cute?

Just because you've gotten your way your whole damn life.

And what makes you think that? Oh, please. Have you looked in a mirror

And what are you, chopped liver?

No. I'm a miracle of modern medicine.

You think I was born looking like this?

No. What difference does it make when you filled out?

Only that you've spent your whole life leading men around by their glands.

And I've had to beg and scrape for every little bit of attention I've ever got.

So we're supposed to feel sorry for you?

I had buck teeth and elephant sits.

I never had a date till the 11th grade.

You're kidding.

And I had eyebrows so bushy you couldn't even find my face.

You don't have a monopoly on puberty, Roxanne.

So I guess I'm being a jerk, huh?

You said it, not me.

Well, I have a lot more in common with you guys than I do with them.

All for one?

Yeah. And one for all.

Sorry, the office is closed.

Well, the sign outside says that you're open. Uh, well, it's an emergency

medical leave.

Sorry. Oh, that's too bad, because I really wanted to talk to you about

foreclosure properties.

Foreclosures? I never touch them. Too risky.

Well, your sister said that you're the foreclosure expert.

Your sister, Maxine.

Maxine Sheldrake.

Russell Sheldrake's wife.

Again.

Did Monty roll over? Like a trained poodle.

He gave Russell and Jimmy the keys to his fishing cabin up in Escondido.

Russell's packing firepower.

How much of a head start?

Not enough, and there's only one way to get there from here. Let's roll.

Russell, that was a brand new hot point you just threw out.

Molly's gonna be really mad.

My brother -in -law can take a flying leap.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

The same thing we were gonna do before, Jimmy.

Only quicker.

Head for the land of senoritas and margaritas. You'll never make it. My

partner's right behind you.

Your partner's out there, darling.

Picking pieces of asphalt out of his skull.

He's gonna be a while.

Jimmy, since you're up this door, take this with you.

You use it if you have to.

Watch your head, McBride.

Hey,

Mike. Yeah, Bobby Fifth's killer here, pal.

Listen, could you do me a favor? Grab your steak bed and meet me out on I -15,

about five miles south of Escondido.

Huh? Well, Vince had a mishap on the old Harley here.

Right. They threw the kitchen sink at us, pal.

Yeah, okay. I'll talk to you later. Thanks.

You sure you're okay? I'm fine.

Well, let's jump in the Hummer and get back on the road. Come on. What about

bike? New York Mike treats this bike like he gave birth to it. Now, come on,

let's go. Don't go nowhere.

Jimmy, I have a very naughty idea.

If you untied my hand, I could give you a nice shoulder rub.

Nah, Russell made me promise not to.

He doesn't trust me around pretty girls.

Pick a direction, any direction.

Try south.

Mexico? Ah.

What about the recon, Monty's Fishing Camp?

If I were them, the only place I'd be headed is the old -time Mesa border

crossing.

Well, this is the only road that we hit. This is the one. Well, if you step on

it, we might be able to head them off.

Sir, I can do better than that. I can beat them.

Jimmy, you shouldn't let Russell boss you around.

Oh, you don't understand.

He's my best friend. He's just jealous. Right, Michelle?

Jealous, for sure.

No.

Russell?

Uh -oh.

Hi, Vince. Hi, Bobby.

Six Killing Enterprises, how may I help you?

No, sorry. You see, we are no longer... in the Lake Bradshaw action lingerie

business. That is correct.

Hey, I don't care if you need 90s for the 101st Airborne, pal.

That's right. You speak English?

Goodbye.

Did I just hear you turn down an order, like, for money?

Sir, there's more to life than money. You should learn that. It's very

important, okay? A man should do what he does best. I'm a bounty hunter, not an

underwear salesman.

My hero's here?

Yes, we are.

Thank you so much for rescuing my girls.

Oh, I see you have the advanced copy of Playpen I sent you.

Great articles.

Ah. And I have something for you.

It is a reward from the Real Estate Association. It's only fair that you and

girls should enjoy that.

Oh, my.

Oh, this is so nice of you.

Roxanne can really use it.

Med school is draining her dry.

Med school?

Mm -hmm.

And Michelle...

is completing her teaching credentials.

I don't know what Lake is up to, but... Well, I do.

She's taking the office right next door to mine, and she's turning it into a

fitness center.

Oh, for the energy of a 25 -year -old.

Not to mention the muscle tone.

Well, Elaine, you have something that only maturity can bring.

It's called class.

Oh.

You, dear boy, have ab to die for.

Now, how about that Harley ride you promised me?

What?

You have the rest of the day after, huh?

Shall we?

Yes, indeed.