Original subtitles

♪ ♪

START THE CLOCK ♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Bill: THANK YOU.

HAPPY FRIDAY, HAPPY SUMMER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WELCOME TO OUR SHOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I

APPRECIATE IT COQUELLE SO MUCH

TO GET TO, I KNOW YOU'RE

EXCITED.

IS THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER AND

YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE THEY'RE

STILL MARINES HERE IN TOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?

AND THEY'VE CHANGED FROM THEIR

CAMOUFLAGE GREENS TO FLORAL

KHAKI FOR SUMMER.

WHY ARE THEY STILL HERE?

I'M NOT SURE.

I GUESS TO PROTECT THE

IMMIGRATION AGENTS-- DID YOU

SEE THIS YESTERDAY?

THEY TRIED TO PULL OFF A RAID ON

DODGER STADIUM.

ONE THING WE WILL NOT STAND FOR

IN AMERICA, IT IS LATINOS IN

BASEBALL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THE NATIONAL GUARD IS STILL

HERE.

LOT OF SECURITY HERE IN L.A.

AN APPEALS COURT RULED THAT

TRUMP CAN KEEP THEM HERE PRETTY

MUCH INDEFINITELY AND I THINK

THE NATIONAL GUARD, I THINK THE

HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

I NOTICE BEFORE THEY PUT A RAID

ON HOME DEPOT, THEY CALL TMZ

FIRST.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TELL THEM THEY ARE COMING.

THE REALLY BIG NEWS IS THIS IS

OUR 700 EPISODE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I STARTED AS A CHILD OF STAR.

[LAUGHTER]

22 YEARS AGO-- BACK THEN, BY

THE WAY, IF THE ARABS WANTED TO

SURPRISE THE PRESIDENT WITH A

PLAN THEY FLEW IT INTO.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M JUST SAYING THINGS CHANGED A

LOT-- MAYBE THEY HAVEN'T

CHANGED, IT'S STILL ALL ABOUT

THE MIDDLE EAST, ISN'T IT?

THERE'S A WAR GOING ON NOW

BETWEEN IRAN AND ISRAEL AND IT'S

INTERESTING, IT HAS REALLY SPLIT

UP A MAGA COALITION, THE TRUMP

PEOPLE.

HALF OF THEM WANT TO BOMB IRAN,

THEY ALWAYS DID.

AND HALF OF THEM WANT TO STAY

ALL OUT OF ALL FOREIGN WARS AND

EVERYBODY JUST SWITCHES THERE

WAS SOMETHING MORALLY CLEAR CUT

LIKE DEPORTING 5-YEAR-OLDS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IRONY, THAT'S WHAT WE DO HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, 22 YEARS.

TALK ABOUT A CLIFFHANGER.

WE ARE OFF NOW FOR THE NEXT

MONTH FOR SUMMER BREAK AND A

SEASON-ENDING CLIFFHANGER, THIS

WAR.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO

HAPPEN.

NOBODY WANTS IRAN TO GET A

NUCLEAR WEAPON, AND OF COURSE

THE ISRAELIS TOOK OUT EVERYTHING

IN IRAN EXCEPT THE FACILITY THAT

CAN BUILD A NUCLEAR WEAPON

BECAUSE IT'S INSIDE A MOUNTAIN!

LISTEN TO THIS, AMERICA IS THE

ONLY COUNTRY THAT HAS A BOMB

THAT CAN REACH IT AND IT WEIGHS

30,000 POUNDS AND CAN ONLY BE

FLOWN THERE BY CRUISE.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

TO MAKE IT EVEN MORE OF A

CLIFFHANGER, WE CAN'T JUST GIVE

THE BOMB TO ISRAEL BECAUSE WE

ALSO ARE THE ONLY COUNTRY THAT

HAS THE PLANE THAT CAN DELIVER

THIS FUCKING THING AND THAT'S

QUITE A PLANE.

PETE HEGSETH HAS ALREADY GIVEN

IT A NAME, THE "INOLA STRAIGHT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PETE IS IN HOT WATER DID YOU SEE

THE PARADE?

IS IN CHARGE OF THE DEFENSE

DEPARTMENT AND TRUMP HAD HIS BIG

MILITARY PARADE LAST SATURDAY

AND IT WAS KIND OF LAME.

PETE WAS IN CHARGE.

WHEN YOU PUT ON THE MILITARY

PLAYED AT LEAST DO IT RIGHT, THE

WHOLE POINT IF IT IS TO SCARE

THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE.

MORE AMERICANS WERE FRIGHTENED

BY KENDRICK LAMAR'S SUPER BOWL

HALFTIME SHOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LISTEN TO THIS-- YESTERDAY WAS

JUNETEENTH, RIGHT?

[APPLAUSE]

SO TRUMP, PRESIDENT TRUMP

TWEETED OR TRUTH OR WHATEVER HE

DOES ON THE PHONE.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE WAS HIS COMMENTS.

"THERE ARE TOO MANY NONWORKING

HOLIDAYS IN AMERICA.

NOW STOP HONORING THE END OF

SLAVERY AND GET BACK TO WORK.

"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE ONCE CALLED HIMSELF THE

"LEAST RACIST PERSON IN THE

WORLD."

I'VE GOT TO SAY THE RUNNER UP

GUIDE MUST BE A DOOZY.

IT ALL BALANCES OUT BECAUSE THE

TRUMP FAMILY PROPRIETORS OF SHIT

COINED CRYPTOCURRENCY, BIBLES

THEY SELL, WATCHES AND MAIL

ORDER MEET-- THIS WEEK THEY

ANNOUNCED THEY ARE SELLING A

GOLD CELL PHONE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A PRESIDENCY

WITH MORE COMMERCIALS, I'M JUST

GOING TO SAY THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF YOU'D LIKE TO YOU CAN ORDER

THIS PHONE NOW, OPERATORS ARE

STANDING BY, ALL SALES ARE FINA

FINAL.

YOU CAN'T GET IT BECAUSE IT

DOESN'T EXIST, WHEN YOU GO TO

THE WEBSITE THEY JUST HAVE A

DRAWING OF A PHONE.

THEY DON'T HAVE A PHONE, THEY

HAVE CONCEPTS OF A PHONE.

WHEN PT BARNUM SOLD TICKETS TO

SEE THE BEARDED LADY, AT LEAST

THERE WAS A BEARDED LADY.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW,

[APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE

CONGRESSMAN WESLEY HUNT AND PUAL

BEGALA ARE HERE, BUT FIRST...

HE'S A PULITZER PRIZE-WINNING

COLUMNIST WHOSE NEW BOOK IS

CALLED "CLASS CLOWN: THE MEMOIRS

OF A PROFESSIONAL WISE-ASS HOW I

WENT 77 YEARS WITHOUT GROWING

UP": DAVE BARRY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW ARE YOU, GREAT TO SEE YOU.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG.

YOU ALWAYS LOOK THE SAME, 77

YEARS OLD AND YOU STILL HAVE THE

DENNIS THE MENACE HAIRCUT.

THEY WORKED ON THIS

BACKSTAGE.

Bill: THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

I THOUGHT ABOUT GOING

STRAIGHT BACK--

Bill: DON'T.

YOU'VE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT

USING BANGS?

Bill: ME?

BANGS?

YOU WOULD HAVE NO CREDIBILITY

AT ALL.

Bill: WEIRD IS DIFFERENT

DUDES.

THAT WORKS FOR YOU, IT WOULDN'T

WORK FOR ME.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT REALLY

WORKS FOR ME, I THINK MY WIFE

REVEALED TO ME 13 SOMETHING

YEARS THE OTHER DAY SHE WOULD

LIKE IT BETTER IF I SLICKED IT

STRAIGHT BACK LIKE YOU.

SHE DIDN'T USE YOUR NAME, BUT

SHE DID SORT OF SAY THAT.

Bill: I GOT TO TELL YOU,

THE FACT THAT YOU WROTE A

MEMOIR, THIS IS GOOD NEWS FOR

ALL OF US WHO HAVE ENJOYED YOUR

WRITING SO MUCH.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, IT WAS SO MUCH

FUN.

Bill: YOU WROTE ABOUT

EVERYTHING ELSE YOUR WHOLE LIFE,

YOU WROTE ABOUT A GUY WHO

MARRIED AN ALLIGATOR, WHATEVER

THE FUCK WAS GOING ON IN

FLORIDA.

THIS IS ABOUT YOU, I'VE GOT TO

ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION I

ASKED A FEW PEOPLE WITH MEMOIRS

OF A CERTAIN AGE-- BARRY DILLER

WAS HERE RECENTLY-- WHEN YOU'RE

77 TO WRITE A MEMOIR, THIS IS

WHY I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

DOESN'T FEEL LIKE I'M SAYING MY

LIFE IS OVER?

BUT IT IS.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

77 IS NOT THE NEW 74.

IT IS OLD AND YOU CAN'T PRETEND

IT'S NOT OLD, YOU KNOW?

ONE AM I GOING TO WRITE IF, WHEN

I'M DEAD THE?

Bill: YOU COULD NOT READ IT

AT ALL, THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING,

I'M ALWAYS ABOUT TOMORROW BUT

WHEN I LOOK BACK, YOUR LIFE,

WHAT A LIFE.

YOU'RE A GUY-- IT'S MORE THAN A

HUMORIST.

WHEN YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD WHAT YOU

MAKE PEOPLE DO AND ME, THAT'S A

COMIC.

A COMIC WHO IS WON A

PULITZER PRIZE--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HAD A SITCOM ABOUT HIM THAT WAS

ON FOR QUITE A WHILE WITH HARRY

ANDERSON AS YOU AND HAS BEEN IN

A BAND WITH STEPHEN KING FOR

YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

BUT NOT A GOOD BAND.

[LAUGHTER]

WE PLAY OUR GENRE, WE CALL IT

HARD LISTENING MUSIC.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I SHOULD STRESS THERE'S A LOT OF

GOOD AUTHORS IN THE BAND,

STEPHEN KING, AMY TAN-- WE

RAISE MONEY FOR CHARITIES BUT NO

CHARITY EVER ASKS US TO COME

BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

Bill: ONE THING I LOVE

READING ABOUT IN YOUR BOOK, BITS

OF YOUR LIFE WOULD COME THROUGH

IN YOUR COLUMNS BUT THIS IS

ABOUT YOUR LIFE, I NEVER KNEW

THAT MUCH ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD.

ANYBODY OUR AGE, I'M ALMOST 70,

OUR CHILDHOODS WERE SO

INTERCHANGEABLE.

I FEEL IT THAT'S SOMETHING KIDS

TODAY DON'T HAVE.

YOU GREW UP IN ARMONK NEW YORK,

SO DID I, EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T.

BUT WE DID.

YOUR HOUSE WAS MY HOUSE, I'M

SURE IT WAS.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE WHITE

KIDS-- WAS YOUR TOWN ALL WHITE?

YES.

Bill: SO WAS MINE, THIS IS

THE EAST COAST, THIS ISN'T

ALABAMA, THESE ARE THE LIBERALS

OF THE DAY, SO DON'T GET TO

SNOOTY'S ABOUT THAT.

WE WERE THE GOOD WHITE

PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

Bill: YOU WENT TO A

HIGH SCHOOL CALLED

"PLEASANTVILLE."

B SODA DIE, EVEN

THOUGH I WASN'T.

WERE YOU ELECTED CLASS CLOWN?

Bill: I WAS MORE THE CLASS

WENT, CLASS CLOWN WOULD THROW

SPITBALLS.

NO, NO, I WAS A WISE ASS.

Bill: DID YOU DO ANYTHING

PHYSICAL?

NEVER.

Bill: THEN YOU WERE A WIT.

I GOT TOLD MORE THAN ONCE

THAT'S VERY FUNNY BUT YOU CAN'T

JOKE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE WHICH

TURNS OUT TO BE INACCURATE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Bill: VERY INACCURATE.

ONCE YOU CAUGHT ON WITH THE

NEWSPAPER-- THAT'S ANOTHER

THING THAT'S SO GREAT WHEN I WAS

REMEMBERING THAT ERA WHEN

NEWSPAPERS WERE KING.

KIDS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT A

NEWSPAPER IS?

THEY GET THEIR NEWS ON TIKTOK

NOW.

WE ARE TALKING AT THE HEYDAY,

THE 80s AND 90s.

IS IT JUST ME OR WAS TIME REALLY

A LOT GENTLER THAN IT IS NOW?

MUCH.

EVERYBODY HAS GOTTEN MORE

VICIOUS, EVERYBODY HAS GOTTEN

MORE DETERMINED TO SAVAGE THE

OTHER SIDE AND THE DAYS-- GUYS

LIKE BART BUCHWALD WAS A LITTLED

HUMORIST AND JOHNNY CARSON-- WE

SOUND LIKE OLD FARTS BUT IT'S

TRUE, THEY WERE LAUGHING AT

BOTH, EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY LAUGHED AND PEOPLE

THEY WERE MAKING FUN OF LAUGHED

AT AND IT WASN'T LIKE YOU SCORED

POINTS AGAINST THE WRONG TEAM.

WE'VE LOST THAT.

Bill: I DON'T REMEMBER

ANYBODY USING THE WORD

EXISTENTIAL ABOUT THE OTHER

SIDE.

HOW MANY ACCIDENTAL CRISES

HAVE WE BEEN IN?

Bill: WE SPENT TO GO WHOLE

OBSESSING ABOUT CLINTON'S

BLOW JOB .

GOOD TIMES!

[LAUGHTER]

I MISS THOSE BLOW JOBS !

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE BIGGEST ROUND OF

APPLAUSE WE'VE GOTTEN SO FAR IS

FOR BLOW JOBS .

Bill: MAY BE A FEW SLICKED

BACK YOUR HAIR YOU WOULD START

GETTING THEM AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU STOP TO THE WEEKLY COLUMN 20

YEARS AGO?

2005.

Bill: IT IS A DEMANDING

MISTRESS AS IS A TV SHOW.

IT'S A MISTRESS I LOVE--

WE DIDN'T GET HIATUS FOR 14

WEEKS.

Bill: NOT 14 WEEKS, WE WILL

BE BACK AUGUST 1ST.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU MUST MISS IT ON SOME

LEVEL.

I DID, I STARTED WRITING A

SUB STACK AS DID EVERY OTHER

JOURNALIST IN THE FREE WORLD BUT

I WAS GLAD TO GET OUT OF THE RAT

RACE FOR AT LEAST A WHILE.

Bill: WHAT ABOUT RUNNING?

YOU RAN AS A LIBERTARIAN.

I RAN FOR PRESIDENT MULTIPLE

TIMES AND IT USED TO BE

CONSIDERED KIND OF A JOKE BUT

NOT SO MUCH ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M THINKING I'M LOOKING PRETTY

GOOD RIGHT NOW, I THINK I HAVE A

GENUINE SHOT NEXT TIME AROUND.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

BLOW JOBS !

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M A NATURAL.

Bill: YOU'RE ONLY 77,

JOE BIDEN PROVED AGE DOESN'T

MATTER.

DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL!

Bill: WHAT ELSE?

YOU GOT TO LOOK FORWARD IN LIFE,

PODCASTING MAY BE?

NO, I'M DOING A SUB STACK

WHICH IS THE OTHER THING

EVERYBODY IS DOING.

AND THIS SHOW, THIS IS PRETTY

MUCH THE HIGHLIGHT FOR ME.

[LAUGHTER]

Bill: WHY NOT PODCASTING?

YOU SEEM LIKE YOU WOULD BE A

NATURAL.

BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE TALK AND

I BETTER WHEN I'M SITTING DOWN

COMING UP WITH JOKES THAN I

AM-- WELL IF YOU'RE ASKING THE

QUESTIONS IT'S OKAY BUT IF I HAD

TO THINK OF WHAT TO SAY?

Bill: LOOK AT ALL THE

FUCKING LAUGHS YOU GOT HERE

TODAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHATEVER YOU DO, I WILL REMAIN

YOUR BIGGEST FAN.

I APPRECIATED, DAVE BARRY

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU, DAVE, LET'S MAKE OURM

I COULD MEET OUR PANEL!

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

HE'S A DEMOCRATIC STRATEGIST AND

CNN POLITICAL CONTRIBUTOR: PAUL

BEGALA.

BACK WITH US!

REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN

REPRESENTING THE 38TH DISTRICT

OF TEXAS: WESLEY HUNT.

[APPLAUSE]

GREAT TO SEE YOU.

I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE A BIG LEAD

IN QUESTION TODAY I'M JUST GOING

TO SAY WE ARE THINKING ABOUT

BOMBING IRAN, THINK ABOUT

JOINING THAT WAR.

THE REPUBLICANS ARE SPLIT OVER

IT, YOU CAN IMAGINE WITH THE

REST OF THE COUNTRY IS BUT JUST

GET A "YES" OR "NO" ANSWER, NO

SCREWING AROUND, SHOULD AMERICA

BOMB THE NUCLEAR FACILITY IN

IRAN OR NOT?

WE HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE

DEBATE THAN THAT.

Bill: TRUMP SAYS HE'S

SPENDING TWO WEEKS, IT'S ALWAYS

TO GO WEEKS, THINKING ABOUT IT

FOR TWO WEEKS.

BUT HE SAYS HE'S ALSO DEMANDING

UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER, COME

ON.

THIS IS WHAT WE ARE DECIDING,

SHOULD WE BOMB IRAN, SHOULD WE

GET INVOLVED ON ISRAEL'S SIDE

HE'S ALREADY USING THE WORD

"WE"-- WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING SO

FAR.

SHOULD WE GET INVOLVED.

WHERE THE ONLY ONES WITH THE

BOMB, THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN DO

IT, YES OR NO?

LET ME GET TO THIS ECHO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS A MORE ROBUST

CONVERSATION.

WHAT I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT

THE DIFFERENCE IN THE REPUBLICAN

PARTY THAT WE HAD 30 YEARS AGO.

WE WOULD ALREADY HAVE BOOTS ON

THE GROUND IN IRAN.

AT THE END OF THE DAY I WANT

PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND HOW FAR WE

HAVE COME AS A PARTY.

PRESIDENT TRUMP ONCE THE ABRAHAM

ACCORDS, HE HAS SAID REPEATEDLY

IRAN SHOULD NOT HAVE A NUCLEAR

WEAPON AND PRESIDENT TRUMP DOES

NOT WANT TO PUT BOOTS ON THE

GROUND.

Bill: EVERYONE AGREES WITH

ALL THAT.

60 DAYS AGO HE GAVE THE

AYATOLLAH WARNING HE SAID YOU

HAVE 60 DAYS TO WRAP THIS UP IF

YOU DON'T YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY

STUPID GAMES AND WIN STUPID

PRICES.

Bill: WE KNOW HOW WELL THAT

WORKED WITH PUTIN.

WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WITH AL

BAGHDADI-- IMAGINE WAKING UP

EVERY DAY WONDERING IF YOU'RE

GOING TO EAT A MISSAL FOR

BREAKFAST.

THIS IS HOW THIS MAN NEGOTIATES

AND WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH

RIGHT NOW IT, IT'S A NEGOTIATING

TACTIC TO GET PEACE.

NO BOOTS ON THE GROUND AND YOU

CAN'T HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON LIKE

DENZEL WASHINGTON SAID IN

TRAINING DAY, DO YOU WANT TO GO

HOME OR DO YOU WANT TO GO TO

JAIL?

[APPLAUSE]

Bill: ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU

GET THIS SEASON'S FOR BEST

AVOIDANCE.

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

I ADVISED THE PRESIDENT AND

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WITH

PRESIDENTS ISN'T THE ANSWERS

COME IT'S THE QUESTIONS, THE

FIRST QUESTION IS SHOULD WE--

WE DON'T WANT IRAN TO HAVE A

NUCLEAR WEAPON BUT HAVE WE

EXHAUSTED EVERY MILITARY OPTION

WAS MIKE I THINK THAT IS NO BUT

I'M NOT PRIVY TO ALL THE INTEL.

WILLIS BOB WORK DONE AT THE MIKE

BOMB WORK PROBABLY BUT THERE ARE

SOME WHO SAY--

Bill: NO ONE KNOWS, IT'S A

MOUNTAIN, WE ARE ATTACKING A

MOUNTAIN.

THIS IS THE QUESTION THE

PRESIDENT HAS TO ASK AND I KNOW

HE'S WATCHING.

ASK YOUR TEAM WHAT HAPPENS THE

DAY AFTER, THAT'S THE QUESTION

THE PRESIDENT NEEDS TO ASK WHAT

HAPPENS THE DAY AFTER AND ARE WE

READY?

I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT IS NO.

WHY?

THIS PRESIDENT HAS DIVERTED

RESOURCES AWAY FROM INTELLIGENCE

AWAY FROM COUNTERTERRORISM COME

AWAY FROM HOMELAND SECURITY AND

HOLD TOWARD DEPORTATIONS.

HE THINKS THE GREATEST THREAT TO

AMERICA IS A GUY WITH A LEAF

BLOWER IN ENCINO, NOT A GUY WITH

A SUICIDE VEST IN MANHATTAN, WE

ARE NOT READY FOR THIS

MILITARILY.

I DISAGREE ON THIS, AS

SOMEBODY WHO WAS FOUGHT IN WARS

AS A SOMEBODY A WEST POINT GRAD,

MY BROTHER AND SISTER ARE ALSO

WEST POINT GRADUATES, SIX YEARS

OF MILITARY SERVICE IN MY

FAMILY, WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL

HOW WE HANDLE THIS.

WE HAVE TO MEASURE ONCE AND CUT

TWICE.

IF WE DON'T HANDLE THIS RIGHT WE

ARE GOING TO END UP PUTTING

BOOTS ON THE GROUND AND THIS IS

WHAT PRESIDENT TRUMP RAN ON FOR

DECADES, HE IS SAYING WE SHOULD

NOT BE PUTTING OUR SOLDIERS AT

RISK UNLESS IT'S ABSOLUTELY

NECESSARY.

THAT'S WHY THIS CAN'T BE A

BINARY CONVERSATION.

Bill: A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD

SAY AROUND GETTING A BOMB IS AS

NECESSARY AS IT GETS.

EVEN THE DAY THE PRESIDENT

WAS ASKED YOUR INTELLIGENCE

TEAMS AS ARE NOT VERY CLOSE TO

GETTING A BOMB AND HE SAID I

DON'T BELIEVE THEM.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE YOUR OWN

INTELLIGENCE TEAM, GET A NEW

ONE.

[APPLAUSE]

WE SPEND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS

OF DOLLARS TO TRY TO GIVE THAT

MAN THAT ANSWER.

HE SAYS HE'S GOING TO TAKE TWO

WEEKS, I LIKE THAT.

I WOULD RATHER TAKE TWO WEEKS

AND THINK IT THROUGH BUT WHO IS

HE TALKING TO?

AT LEAST IN THE FIRST TERM HE

HAD GENERAL McMASTER,

GENERAL KELLY, HE HAD

GENERAL MATTIS, HE HAD THAT

SERIOUS NATIONAL SECURITY

PROFESSIONALS.

HE HAD SERIOUS PEOPLE WITH HIM.

THIS TEAM?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

IKEA HAS BETTER CABINETS THAN

TRUMP DOES.

Bill: I THINK HE'S TALKING

TO FOUR PEOPLE, ONE OF THEM IS

THE HEAD OF THE JOINT CHIEFS I

ASSUME HE'S FAIRLY SERIOUS, ONE

OF THEM AS JOHN RATCLIFFE, HE'S

NOT SERIOUS?

NOT TERRIBLY.

FORMER CONGRESSMAN FROM TEXAS I

LOVE FORMER CONGRESSMAN FROM

TEXAS.

GOOD LOOKING OUT TO.

HE DID CUT OUT PETE HEGSETH AND

TULSI GABBARD.

THE CHILDREN ARE OUT--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO WHY HAVE THEM, WHY HAVE A

DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL

INTELLIGENCE YOU DON'T LISTEN

TO, WHY HAVE A PENTAGON CHIEF

YOU DON'T TALK TO?

Bill: CASTING.

WE ARE FORGETTING ONE THING,

PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS PRESENT

BEFORE AND WE DIDN'T HAVE AN

ISSUE WITH IRAN AND THE REASON

WHY IS BECAUSE IRAN WAS BROKEN

IT'S TIME TO UNLEASH AMERICAN

ENERGY, CONTINUE TO FIGHT WARS

AGAINST OUR ENEMIES BY ENSURING

OUR ALLIES HAVE THE ENERGY FROM

US MADE IN THIS COUNTRY ARE

CALVIN THIS IS HOW WE HAVE TO

FIGHT WARS IN THE FUTURE.

THE REASON WHY HE CAN SAY IS

BECAUSE HE'S DONE THIS FOR FOUR

YEARS ALREADY.

Bill: I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM,

LET ME SAY ONE THING ABOUT THIS

IN DEFENSE OF HIM WHICH IS HE IS

HARDLY THE FIRST PERSON TO CUT

OUT PEOPLE IN HIS OWN CABINET.

PRESIDENTS HAVE DONE THIS

BEFORE.

THEY LOSE FAITH AND YOU DON'T

GET IN THE ROOM EVEN THOUGH YOU

HAVE A BIG TITLE.

PRESIDENTS HAVE THEIR KITCHEN

CABINETS.

HE'S FIRED DEFENSE

SECRETARY'S IN THE FIRST YEAR,

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

Bill: IT'S A SHIT SHOW, IT

ALWAYS IS.

WE ARE PUTTING OUR LIVES IN

THE HANDS OF PETE HEGSETH AND

DEPORTATION BARBIE AND

TULSI GABBARD.

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

Bill: OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN

CONGRESS I THINK YOU'RE THE ONE

WHO WAS MOST ALWAYS BACKING

WHATEVER TRUMP DOES.

WITH THIS DECISION ABOUT IRAN,

ISN'T PREDICATED ON HOW YOU FEEL

ABOUT TRUMP?

THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS SPLIT

ABOUT THIS, TED CRUZ AND

TUCKER CARLSON WHO USUALLY WOULD

BE AGREEING ON EVERYTHING, HAD A

REAL HOUSEWIVES FIGHT THE OTHER

DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

ABOUT THIS, BECAUSE

TUCKER CARLSON IS ON A SIDE YOU

ARE EXPRESSING FOR ABOUT A

REPUBLICANS LOVE TRUMP BECAUSE

HE IS LIKE WE DON'T GET INVOLVED

WITH FOREIGNERS.

THAT'S NOT US, AMERICA FIRST AND

THEN THERE'S A LOT OF

REPUBLICANS WERE LIKE OH, NO, WE

GOT TO BOMB IRAN BECAUSE THAT'S

THE ENEMY OF ISRAEL AND ISRAEL

IS WHERE YOU KNOW WHO WAS GOING

TO COMPACT THE FIFTH.

COME BACK TO EARTH.

THIS IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A

POLITICAL PARTY AND OCCULT.

CULTS ARE WHAT THE PERSON

DOESN'T PARTIES ARE ABOUT IDEAS.

I'M GOING TO MAKE MY DECISION

BASED ON IDEAS I FEEL LIKE SOME

PEOPLE DO IT JUST BY THE PERSON.

WHATEVER TRUMP DOES YOU'RE GOING

TO GO ALONG WITH.

WE CERTAINLY DISAGREE, BUT

WHAT YOU ARE SEEING IS A HEALTHY

DEBATE TO YOUR PREVIOUS

QUESTION, YOU'RE SEEING A

HEALTHY DEBATE BETWEEN TWO

PIECES OF OUR PARTY AND I THINK

IT'S A GOOD THING.

I'M IN THE HOUSE OF

REPRESENTATIVES AND IN THE

COURSE OF THE PAST 20 YEARS THE

DEMOCRATS HAVE HAD ONE SPEAKER

OF THE HOUSE, NANCY PELOSI AND

HAKEEM JEFFRIES, PEOPLE IN OUR

PARTY WILL DEBATE.

WE WILL LOOK AT A PERSON AND SAY

WE DON'T LIKE THIS AND HAVE A

HEALTHY DEBATE-- HAVING ONE

SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE FOR 20

YEARS IS SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU ARE SEEING THIS OPEN UP IN

OUR PARTY AGAIN.

TWO FACTIONS, TWO PIECES OF THE

PARTY THAT CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER

IMMENSELY, TALK ABOUT OF THEM

WITH THE PRESIDENT TO MAKE THE

ULTIMATE CHOICE.

Bill: WAS THE FACT HE HAD

AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT AND

SURVIVED IT-- I'VE HEARD IDIOTS

ON THE LEFT SAY TO ME YOU KNOW

THAT WAS STAGED.

IT WAS NOT STAGED.

THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS BECAUSE

THE GUY BEHIND HIM GOT SHOT AND

WE DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT THAT

GUY ANYMORE, BUT ANYWAY.

THEY DID TRY TO SHOOT HIM AND HE

DID SURVIVE AND I KNOW A LOT OF

REPUBLICANS THINK THAT IS

DETERMINED OF, THEY THINK GOD

SAVED HIM AND THEREFORE HE

CANNOT MAKE A WRONG MOVE, IS

THAT WHAT YOU BELIEVE?

IT WASN'T JUST THAT, YOU GUYS

HAD A REALLY BAD CANDIDATE AND

KAMALA HARRIS.

THAT WAS ONE OF THE MOST

UNDEMOCRATIC THINGS I'VE EVER

SEEN.

YOU TOOK JOE BIDEN AND PUT HIM

IN A ROOM, PUT ON GOLDEN GIRLS

AND GAVE HIM SOME ICE CREAM BY

THE TIME HE WALKED OUT HE WAS NO

LONGER RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT HE

HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON.

WHEN YOU COMBINE THAT WITH A

CANDIDATE NOT A SICKLE DEMOCRAT

VOTED FOR IN THE PRIMARY IT

CREATED A DISASTER.

THAT'S ANOTHER BIG REASON WHY

PRESIDENT TRUMP ONE, THE

DEMOCRATIC PARTY LOST FAITH IN

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY

BROKE THE PROCESS IN ORDER TO

GET THE RIGHT CANDIDATE TO RUN

FOR PRESIDENT.

I WANT TO COME BACK TO THE

POINT YOU MADE ABOUT CULT OF

PERSONALITY BECAUSE I THINK

YOU'RE RIGHT.

DONALD TRUMP WAS THE MOST

AGAINST TIKTOK BUT I THOUGHT

HE'S RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

TIKTOK'S CHINESE COMMUNIST I

DON'T LIKE IT.

HE WAS AGAINST IT AND EVERY MAGA

GUY I KNEW WAS AGAINST IT THEN

HE MET WITH A TIKTOK BILLIONAIRE

AND THEY ARE ALL FOR IT NOW.

THEY ARE STILL CHINESE

COMMUNIST.

HE WILL WIN COME A WHATEVER SITE

HE CHOOSES, HIS TEAM, HIS FACE

WILL COME ALONG WITH HIM.

HE'S ALSO IN CHARGE, WE HAVE

A LEADER IN OUR PARTY, WHOSE

LEADER IN YOUR PARTY?

WE HAVE SOMEBODY WHO IS ABSENTLY

THE LEADER OF THE PARTY IT IS

DONALD TRUMP AND WE ARE BEHIND

HIM, WHO WAS YOUR LEADER,

BERNIE SANDERS, AOC, IS IT GOING

TO BE JASMINE CROCKETT, ARE YOU

KIDDING ME?

ANYBODY WHO GETS AWAY FOR THE

DEAR LEADER I REMEMBER WHEN

ELON MUSK TOOK HIM ON, TRUMP

CRUSHED HIM.

IF I WAS HIS POLITICAL ADVISOR I

WOULD SAY WHATEVER YOU DO

THEY'RE GOING TO BE WITH YOU SO

FIGURE OUT WHAT THE RIGHT THING

TO DO IS.

IN THAT SENSE HE'S FREE IT'S

ONLY ABOUT 35% OF THE COUNTRY

BUT IT'S 65% OF THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY, THEY WILL DO

ANYTHING THE DEAR LEADER SAYS

AND IT'S TERRIFYING BUT FOR A

TRUMPET OUGHT TO GIVE HIM SOME

SPACE TO DO OR NOT DO WHAT HE

THINKS IS BEST.

Bill: YOU KNOW WHAT MY

ISSUE IS WITH HIM?

I SAID THIS BEFORE I HAD DINNER

AT THE SAME TABLE.

[LAUGHTER]

HE DOES NOT ALWAYS HAVE BAD

IDEAS.

YOU AGREE, RIGHT?

CLOSE THE BORDER, GET ORDER ON

THE BORDER AND GET THE GANGS OUT

OF THE COUNTRY AND MAKE EUROPE

PAY FOR THEIR OWN DEFENSE.

GO BACK TO EQUALITY INSTEAD OF

ALWAYS EQUITY AND UNIVERSITIES

ARE OUT OF CONTROL, A LOT OF

THESE THINGS BUT WHAT I CAN

ALWAYS DEPEND ON THAT

ADMINISTRATION TO DO IS TO

RELIABLY FUCK UP THE EXECUTION.

[APPLAUSE]

DOGE, ALL THESE ISSUES I

MENTIONED TO.

SHOULD WE SEE IF THE GOVERNMENT

HAS TOO MUCH BLOAT AND FAT IN

IT?

YES, RELIABLY BUT LIKE CLOCKWORK

YOU CAN DEPENDENT THEY WILL FUCK

UP THE EXECUTION JUST LIKE THEY

DID WITH THE PARADE.

DO I THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO

HAVE A PARADE?

AND NO, IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE

A VAGUELY FASCIST FASCIST

PARADE, DO IT RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

IN HIS FIRST TERM HE DID TO

GO THINGS THAT WERE GREAT.

WARP SPEED HE CREATED THE BEST

VACCINE IN THE WORLD FASTER THAN

ANYBODY ELSE.

THE COVID VACCINE.

HE NEVER TALKS ABOUT IT AND HIS

TEAM ARE ANNOUNCES THAT HE PUTS

A GUY IN CHARGE OF THE HEALTH

DEPARTMENT WHO WAS A VACCINE

SKEPTIC TO SAY THE LEAST.

HE NEVER TALKS ABOUT THE BEST

THING HE DID TO.

HE UPDATED NAFTA, U.S.-MEXICO

TRADE DEAL, WHAT DID HE DO THE

FIRST TIME HE COMES BACK?

HE BLOWS THAT UP TOO.

EVEN THE STUFF HE DOES THAT'S

GOOD YOU'RE RIGHT, HE DESTROYS

IT.

IT WOULD TAKE THE ENTIRE STAFF

OF THE HARVARD SCHOOL OF

PSYCHOLOGY TO EXPLAIN--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT

THE PARADE TO OFFER ANOTHER

OPINION FROM OUR SIDE OF THIS

THING.

IT WAS THE 250TH BIRTHDAY OF THE

UNITED STATES ARMY.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SOMEBODY WHO SERVED THE NATION

MY BROTHER AND SISTER IN

WEST POINT, MY

GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER FOUGHT

IN THE CIVIL WAR AND YOU KNOW

WHAT I SAW?

I SAW THE PRESIDENT SALUTE THE

CORPS CADETS AS THEY WALKED PAST

HIM.

I WATCHED HIM SALUTE TO THE 75TH

RANGER REGIMENT, I SAT THERE AND

WATCH THE FIREWORKS BEHIND THE

WASHINGTON MONUMENT, I THOUGHT

THAT'S ABSENTLY OUTSTAND THEY

GET IT'S BETTER THAN JOE BIDEN

CHECKING HIS WATCH WHEN BODIES

WERE BEING TURNED TO DOVER.

THIS IS A CONTRAST WE ARE

TALKING ABOUT AND WHY YOU LOST.

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A MAN TALK

ABOUT PATRIOTISM AND PARADES

LIKE THAT WHEN I WAS GROWING UP

I SERVE BECAUSE I USED TO GO TO

THESE PARADES AND WATCH MY DAD

PARTICIPATE IN THEM.

I SAW THE BLACKHAWKS LANDING I

SAW MY AND SISTER AT WEST POINT

TO.

THE DICHOTOMY OF WHAT WE ARE

SEEING PRESIDENT TRUMP, ACTUALLY

MAKING AN EFFORT.

WHETHER YOU LIKE OR AGREE WITH

THE EXECUTION OF THE EFFORT IS

THERE.

Bill: EXECUTION DOES

MATTER, FIRST OF ALL THANK YOU

FOR YOUR SERVICE.

I SAY THAT TO EVERYBODY, ALWAYS

HAVE, FOR 20 YEARS.

I'VE WATCHED YOU FOR 20

YEARS, THANK YOU.

Bill: NOBODY-- THE

MILITARY, THAT'S WHO IS BRAVE,

THEN COPS AND FIREFIGHTERS AND

PEOPLE LIKE THAT BUT MOSTLY THE

MILITARY.

I GOT TO ASK YOU THIS AS FAR AS

GOOD IDEAS, HERE'S ANOTHER THING

I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA THAT

HE HAS-- WE SHOULD LOVE OUR

COUNTRY MORE.

THE LEFT IS WAY TOO DOWN ON THIS

COUNTRY.

BUT THE EXECUTION IS ALWAYS I

DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, I DON'T

UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE THINGS HE

DOES IN SUPPORT OF THAT IDEA.

DO YOU THINK IT'S RIGHT HE HAD A

POSTER HE PUT OUT LAST WEEK,

UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU TO TURN IN

FOREIGN INVADERS?

DO YOU THINK THAT'S RIGHT, TURN

IN FOREIGN INVADERS?

HE'S TALKING ABOUT IMMIGRANTS

WHO COME HERE AND TAKE JOBS THAT

PEOPLE WANT TO GIVE THEM, YOU

WANT TO TURN THEM INTO SNITCHES

LIKE EAST GERMANY?

YOU WANT CITIZENS TURNING ON

EACH OTHER?

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BIG

IDEAS, IDEAS, RUNNING FOR

PRESIDENT IN 2016 AND WINNING,

AND LOSING--

Bill: YOU SAY HE LOST?

GOOD TO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE POINT I'M MAKING IS THE

BIG IDEA AND COMING BACK AND

RETURNING AND BECOMING THE

PRESIDENT AGAIN BECAUSE HE'S THE

PRESIDENT AS WE LIVE AND BREATHE

THOSE ARE BIG IDEAS, THOSE OF

THE BIG IDEAS YOU COULD EVER

HAVE IN AMERICA.

THAT IS IN FACT THE AMERICAN

DREAM, HE'S EXECUTED VERY WELL

AND HE'S 1 OF 2 PEOPLE IN THE

HISTORY OF THIS GREAT NATION TO

EVER SERVE AS PRESIDENT TWICE

AFTER NOT WINNING REELECTION,

THOSE ARE BIG IDEAS.

I WANT TO COME BACK TO

PRESIDENT BIDEN WHOSE SON SERVED

AND ENLISTED, SOMETHING

DONALD TRUMP'S SON NEVER DID.

DONALD TRUMP WENT TO A MILITARY

SCHOOL FOR HIGH SCHOOL BUT HE

DIDN'T SERVE HE AVOIDED SERVICE

IN VIETNAM, HE SAID HE HAD BONE

SPURS.

HE SAID AVOIDING STDs WAS HIS

VIETNAM, THEN HE SAID

JOHN McCAIN WAS NOT A WAR

HERO, THEN HE SAID TROOPS ARE

SUCKERS AND LOSERS--

NO--

MY GRANDFATHER FOUGHT IN

WORLD WAR I AND WAS WOUNDED, AND

DRUM PISSES ON OUR VETERANS.

NO HE DOES NOT, I WILL ASK

YOU A QUESTION IF THAT IS THE

CASE, DECEMBER, JANUARY,

FEBRUARY WE SEE THE HIGHEST

RECRUITING NUMBERS THAT WE'VE

SEEN IN YEARS, WHY IS THAT THE

CASE?

I'M SOMEBODY THAT HAS SERVED AND

PEOPLE IN MY RANKS

OVERWHELMINGLY LOOK AT

PRESIDENT TRUMP AND THEY SAY IF

I REALLY WANT SOMEBODY WHO'S

GOING TO DEFEND US AND PUT US IN

HARM'S WAY IF NECESSARY I WOULD

TAKE THEM OVER JOE BIDEN?

WHY DOES HE STAB THEM IN THE

BACK?

WHY DO WE HAVE RECORD

RECRUITING RIGHT NOW?

Bill: THIS SHOW IS NOT--

I JUST WANT TO PAUSE AND SAY

FIRST OF ALL THANK YOU TO MY

INCREDIBLE STAFF WHO'S HERE

EVERY MORNING, WHENEVER THAT IS.

TO HBO WHICH HAS PUT UP WITH ME

FOR ALL THESE YEARS AND TO THE

AUDIENCE IS BEEN SO LOYAL.

WE ARE GOING TO TAKE A MONTH OFF

AS ALWAYS AND WE WILL BE BACK ON

AUGUST 1ST AND WHENEVER WE TAKE

TIME OFF WE GIVE YOU THE FUTURE

HEADLINES BECAUSE HEADLINES ARE

SO PREDICABLE THESE DAYS WITH

THE WAY THE NEWS IS.

HIM WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THE

FUTURE HEADLINES?

HERE THEY ARE, FUTURE HEADLINES.

GEN Z'ERS SHOCKED TO LEARN THEIR

PHONES MAKE CALLS.

[APPLAUSE]

HEARTBROKEN ELON MUSK STANDS

OUTSIDE WHITE HOUSE WITH

BOOMBOX.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

OCEAN FISH FOUND TO CONTAIN MORE

PLASTIC THAN PLASTIC FISH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TRAVIS KELCE DRAWS LINE AT

BUYING TAMPONS.

[.

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT ANNOUNCES

AMERICA "OFFICIALLY OUT OF

TALENT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MADONNA MARRIES MEXICAN WHO

STOOD ON FLAMING WAYMO

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DIDDY GOES TO PRISON, HAS FREAK

OFF IN CELL BLOCK D

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ICE MISTAKENLY DEPORTS MARCO

RUBIO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE TO BRING UP A VERY

UNFORTUNATE CLUB THAT HAS FORMED

THAT AMERICA AND THAT IS

POLITICIANS WHO HAD BEEN SHOT AT

BECAUSE WE SAW THIS LAST WEEK

THERE IS TWO MORE PEOPLE AND

THEIR SPOUSES IN MINNESOTA WHO

WERE SHOCKED BY SOMEBODY JUST

YESTERDAY, WE HAVE A NEW ONE.

A MEMPHIS MAYOR, SOMEBODY CAME

TO HIS DOOR, PEOPLE GO INTO

THEIR HOUSES NOW.

HIS STATEMENT WAS THE LINK

BETWEEN ANGRY ONLINE RHETORIC

AND REAL-LIFE VIOLENCE IS

BECOMING UNDENIABLE, I WOULD

AGREE WITH THAT.

WE SAW GABBY GIFFORD GETS SHOT,

STEVE SCALISE, IT CAN HAPPEN--

THANK YOU FOR BRINGING HIM

UP.

Bill: PAUL PELOSI IN HIS

HOME.

THIS IS BECOMING ROUTINE NOW.

DO WE SAY BOTH PARTIES ARE

EQUALLY GUILTY?

WHEN I THINK ABOUT JANUARY 6TH

AND PARDONING ALL THE PEOPLE WHO

WERE INVOLVED IN THAT

INSURRECTION OR WHATEVER YOU

WANT TO CALL IT.

HOW DO YOU HAVE AN

INSURRECTION WITH NO GUNS?

THAT'S LIKE MAKING COFFEE--

THEY BROUGHT TONS OF GUNS.

A QUARTER MILLION GUNS IN

CIRCULATION, ONE PERSON WAS

KILLED THAT DAY IT WAS ASHLEY

BABBITT, SHE WAS A WHITE UNARMED

PERSON WHO WAS KILLED BY A BLACK

POLICE OFFICER, IMAGINE IF THAT

HAD BEEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

WHEN I THINK OF INSURRECTION IS

A WAR FIGHTER, SOMEBODY WAS SEEN

SOME NASTY STUFF-- WANT TO

THINK ABOUT THAT, WHAT PEOPLE

HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IS THE SUMMER

OF LOVE LEADING UP TO THAT WAS

SOMETHING ELSE.

$2 BILLION IN DAMAGE, 200 CITIES

HAD TO GO UNDER CURFEW.

22 PEOPLE LOST THEIR LIVES AND I

UNDERSTAND, I UNDERSTAND THE

DEMOCRATS WERE RHINO AND

DONALD TRUMP WERE STILL

PRESIDENT.

Bill: MANY COPS WERE

INJURED THAT DAY, MANY POLICE

OFFICERS.

THEY TASED MICHAEL F-- A HEO

D.C. COP, HE STOOD IN THE BREACH

TO DEFEND OUR CAPITAL.

HE VOTED FOR TRUMP THEY TASED

HIM UNTIL HIS HEART STOPPED,

THEY GAVE HIM A HEART ATTACK FOR

PUTTING ON THE UNIFORM AND

STANDING IN DEFENSE OF OUR

UNITED STATES CAPITAL AND THEN

TRUMP DID.

BIDEN PARTED HIS WHOLE FAMIL

FAMILY.

IT HAS HAPPENED ON BOTH SIDES

WHEN STEVE'S POLICE GOT SHOT IT

WAS TERRIBLE AND THE GUY DID IT

BECAUSE HE WAS A REPUBLICAN, NO

QUESTION.

ITS ASYMMETRIC HATRED TO PICK OF

THE ANTIDEFAMATION LEAGUE TO THE

STUDY THREE YEARS AGO, THEY

LOOKED OVER TEN YEARS OF

POLITICAL MURDERS IN AMERICA.

THEY FOUND 450 MURDERS.

75% OF THEM BY THE FAR RIGHT.

20% OF THEM BY ISLAMISTS, 4% OF

THEM BY THE FAR LEFT.

IN THE 60s AND 70s THE

POLITICAL VIOLENCE WAS MOSTLY

FROM THE FAR LEFT TODAY IT'S

MOSTLY FROM THE FAR RIGHT.

MY RESPONSE TO THAT,

THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THAT UP.

PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS SHOT AND HE

HAD ANOTHER ATTEMPT ON HIS LIFE

YET AGAIN AND WHAT YOU HAVE

PEOPLE SAYING WE ARE A THREAT TO

DEMOCRACY, WE ARE CALLING HIM

HITLER, WHEN YOU CALL HIM--

THAT'S J.D. VANCE CALLING HIM

HITLER.

HE DID TO.

77 MILLION PEOPLE A THREAT TO

DEMOCRACY AND THIS IS EXACTLY

WHERE THIS STARTS.

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU I WANT

TO CONDEMN ALL VIOLENCE I AM A

POLITICIAN, I'M THE ONLY ONE

SITTING UP HERE ARE THREE KIDS I

TOLD MY WIFE IS SITTING UP HERE

RIGHT NOW I LOVE HER DEARLY.

WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS FIRST,

AT ALL HAS GOT TO STOP.

I GET YOUR POINT.

[APPLAUSE]

Bill: CAN ASK YOU A

QUESTION ABOUT JANUARY 6, TAKE

THE POLITICS OUT OF IT.

THEY WERE THERE FOR A SPECIFIC

REASON THAN THEY TACKED THE

CAPITAL, A SPECIFIC PLACE ON A

SPECIFIC DAY AT A SPECIFIC

MOMENT WHICH WAS THE EXACT

MOMENT THE VOTES WERE BEING

COUNTED WHICH TO ME MAKES IT

EVEN WORSE, BUT OKAY LET'S JUST

SAY THEY WERE THERE BECAUSE

FURIOUS ABOUT THE PRICE OF EGGS.

[LAUGHTER]

NO POLITICS THERE WERE JUST LIKE

CONGRESS HAS NOT DONE ANYTHING

ABOUT THE PRICE OF EGGS AND I

DON'T CARE HOW MANY COPS GET

HURT, WOULD IT BE ANY DIFFERENT?

IS IT JUST OKAY BECAUSE IT WAS

DEFENDING TRUMP?

THIS WAS NECESSARILY ABOUT

DEFENDING TRUMP.

Bill: IF IT WAS OVER 100

COPS GETTING HURT AND PEOPLE

TAKING OVER A BUILDING--

KNOW YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE

SUMMER OF LOVE.

THAT'S WHEN PEOPLE WERE GETTING

HURT.

THAT'S 122 PEOPLE DIED.

WE WATCHED MAYHEM IN OUR

STREETS.

A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, WE ARE

WATCHING PEOPLE THROW PIECES OF

CONCRETE AT LAW ENFORCEMENT

OFFICERS AND CAUSE BURNING IN

THE STREETS IN OUR CITIES, WE

CANNOT HAVE THAT ANYWHERE.

Bill: LET ME GO BACK TO

WHAT HAPPENED IN MINNESOTA

BECAUSE THIS IS THE LAST ONE.

THIS GUY NAMED VANCE BOELTER--

OF COURSE IT IS.

HE'S PLAINLY A TRUMPER.

COME ON, HE VOTED FOR TRUMP,

HE'S A SUPER-DUPER CHRISTIAN,

HIS BIG ISSUE IS HE HATED

ABORTION, WE WERE PERFORMING

ABORTIONS.

HE HAD A LIST OF 45 PEOPLE, THE

TWO PEOPLE HE SHOTS WERE

DEMOCRATS, HE HAD A LIST OF 45

OTHER PEOPLE, ALL DEMOCRATS.

THE FACT THAT SO MANY PEOPLE IN

YOUR PARTY, DONALD TRUMP JR.,

REPRESENTATIVE DERRICK VAN

VAN ORDEN, I DON'T KNOW WHO HE

IS BUT HE'S A JERK I THINK HE

MUST BE.

SENATOR MIKE LEE COME ALL

PRETENDED THIS GUY WHO IS

PLAINLY A TRUMPER.

WE JUST ADMIT IT HAPPENS ON BOTH

SIDES TO THE LEVEL OF LYING

HERE.

DONALD TRUMP, THE GUY WHO

COMMITTED THESE ATROCITIES THIS

WEEKEND IS A DEMOCRAT, NO HE'S

NOT.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPEN WHEN

MARXISTS DON'T GET THEIR WAY.

THIS GUY SAID HE DID IT BECAUSE

THE PEOPLE HE SHOT WERE NOT FAR

LEFT ENOUGH.

YOU KNOW THESE ARE LIES.

THE PHARMACEUTICAL CEO THAT

WAS MURDERED WAS WRONG, THE

GENTLEMAN THAT DID THIS WAS

WRONG.

Bill: JUST ADMIT IT, THIS

ONE IS A TRUMPER.

WE ARE TALKED ABOUT PEOPLE

ARBITRARILY MURDERING PEOPLE.

Bill: IT'S NOT ARBITRARY!

THAT ARE OFF THE RESERVATION,

THEY ARE CRAZY, I DON'T CARE IF

HE'S A TRUMPER OR NOT, THAT'S

CRAZY.

WE DON'T MURDER PEOPLE IN THIS

COUNTRY THAT'S NOT THE WAY.

I HEAR YOUR POINT THAT I DON'T

CARE IF HE'S A TRUMPER OR NOT.

Bill: CRAZY IS DIFFERENT.

HE'S CRAZY, BY THE WAY.

Bill: THIS IS POLITICAL

VIOLENCE, PEOPLE COMMIT

POLITICAL VIOLENCE ALL THE TIME.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO MURDER

SOMEBODY, YOU'RE OFF--

Bill: IF THIS HAD BEEN THE

REVERSE I WOULD ADMIT TO YOU SO

EASILY I WOULD JUST SAY THE GUY

WHO SHOT STEVE SCALISE.

I KNOW YOU GUYS, YOU LIKE ME,

YOU RESPECT ME, YOU KNOW WHY YOU

RESPECT ME?

30 YEARS.

Bill: BECAUSE WHEN I MAKE

FUN OF THE LEFT I DO IT EVEN

BETTER THAN YOUR PEOPLE DO

BECAUSE I'M HONEST.

[APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE I'M HONEST ABOUT IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE IT BACK TO

ME, YOU'VE GOT TO GET THAT

HONESTY BACK TO ME.

I PUT MYSELF OUT.

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE SUPREME COURT RULED THE

OTHER DAY ABOUT TRANSGENDER,

THERE IS AN ISSUE IN TENNESSEE.

THE STATES CAN RESTRICT MINORS

FROM TRANSITIONING, THERE WERE

JUST SAYING THE STATES HAVE THE

RIGHT TO REGULATE THIS.

I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE, AGAIN,

I'M CRITICAL WHEN I THINK MY

SIDE GOES TOO FAR AND THEY GO

TOO FAR OFF IN AND THEY WENT TOO

FAR ON THIS FOR A LONG TIME,

GENDER AFFIRMING ALL THIS,

GENDER DYSPHORIA COME ALL THESE

TERMS THEY USE TO TO SAY IT

BIOLOGICAL SEX SEX ISN'T A REAL

THING, IT'S ALL GENDER, IT'S ALL

A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT, THIS WAS

ALWAYS NONSENSE, NOT THAT THERE

ISN'T SUCH A REAL THING AS

TRANS PEOPLE BUT IT'S RARE AND

THEY MADE IT NOT RARE.

I THINK OVER A THOUSAND?

OVER A HUNDRED CLINICS OPENED IN

THE LAST TEN OR 20 YEARS BECAUSE

THIS BECAME A THING?

NOW BLUE STATES WILL NOT BE

AFFECTED.

THEY ARE JUST SAYING STATES HAVE

THE RIGHT TO REGULATE THIS AND I

THINK IT'S A GREAT FIRST STEP TO

GETTING THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

BACK TO SOMETHING PEOPLE CAN

RESPECT AND NORMAL PEOPLE CAN

VOTE FOR, THOUGHTS.

THIS IS A SANITY CHECK.

IF YOU CAN'T TELL ME THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND A

WOMAN, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR

OTHER ARGUMENT BECAUSE IT'S JUST

THAT SIMPLE.

IF YOU DON'T THINK BIOLOGICAL

MEN SHOULD NOT COMPETE AGAINST

BIOLOGICAL WOMEN, IF YOU CAN'T

SAY THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA, WE

SAW THE ISSUE WITH RILEY GAINES

AND SIMONE BILES, WE SAW THAT

DEBATE UNFOLD.

AND SIMONE GOT DESTROYED ON THIS

BECAUSE THIS IS A SANITY CHECK.

WE HAD A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE

KETANJI BROWN JACKSON CAN YOU

TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A

MAN AND A WOMAN AND SHE SAID I'M

NOT A DOCTOR.

THIS IS A SANITY CHECK.

IF YOU CAN'T ANSWER THAT BASIC

QUESTION HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY

TELL ME ABOUT POLICY.

THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY

THE DEMOCRATS ARE LOSING ON AN

ISSUE LIKE THIS.

I HAVE A SIX, FOUR, 2-YEAR-OLD.

THEY THINK THEY ARE ON AND ELSA

AND MY LITTLE BOY THINKS HE'S

LIGHTENING QUEEN.

BY THE TIME YOU ARE 18 YEARS OLD

IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR BODY

YOU CAN LIVE AND DO WHATEVER YOU

WANT AS LONG AS YOU WANT TO PAY

FOR IT.

I FOUGHT FOR THE RIGHT FREE TO

BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT CHILDREN,

UNDEVELOPED HUMAN BEINGS AND

ALLOWING THEM TO MAKE DECISIONS

THAT IT WOULD IMPACT THE REST OF

THEIR LIVES, WE MUST PROTECT

THEM.

[APPLAUSE]

FROM WHO?

WE ARE PEOPLE OF FAITH, BILL IS

NOT.

WE BELIEVE GOD GIVES HIS

CHILDREN TO PARENTS, NOT

POLITICIANS IN NASHVILLE.

THE TENNESSEE LEGISLATURE

DOESN'T ADDRESS THE CHIEF CAUSE

OF CHILDHOOD DEATH WHICH IS

GUNS, WHY SHOULD POLITICIANS--

Bill: THERE TO GO

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ISSUES.

THE ISSUE IS QUITE THE REVERSE.

OUT HERE IN CALIFORNIA AND IN

NEW JERSEY, IT'S THE SCHOOLS WHO

ARE NOT ALLOWED TO EVEN TELL THE

PARENTS--

THAT'S CRAZY.

Bill: WHO WAS NOT BEING

PROTECTED I DON'T UNDERSTAND

YOUR POINT?

THEY ARE NOT PROTECTING THE

CHILDREN FROM PEOPLE COMING IN

AND TAKING ADVANTAGE I THINK OF

YOUNG FOLKS WHO DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON, I DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON WHEN

I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD, I WAS

UNHAPPY WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER IF

SOMEONE OFFERED THIS AS A

SOLUTION I MIGHT GO FOR IT AND

THEY HAVE DONE STUDIES SINCE

THEN, THAT'S WHY AMERICA IS AN

OUTLIER COUNTRY WITH THIS.

ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIES PULLED

BACK BECAUSE THEY SAID WE DON'T

KNOW AND SOMETIMES THEY ARE JUST

GAY AND SOMETIMES THEY'RE JUST

CONFUSED OR DEPRESSED BUT ONCE

YOU START TAKING OFF BODY PARTS

YOU CAN'T REVERSE IT, THANK YOU

VERY MUCH, I GOT TO GO--

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

NEW RULE: SOMEONE HAS TO TELL

ICE AGENTS THAT WE UNDERSTAND

THEY HAVE DIFFICULT JOB TO DO,

BUT WE WILL DEFEND THESE TACO

STANDS WITH GUNS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU WANT TO HIT THE CAR WASHES?

BAD IDEA, BUT OK.

OUTSIDE HOME DEPOT?

SO STUPID, BUT WHATEVER.

BUT THE PEOPLE WORKING THE TACO

STANDS?

THEY'RE ON BASE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SIGNED, EVERYONE WHO WALKS OUT

OF A BAR AT 2:00AM.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

NEW RULE: NOW THAT THERE'S A

MOVIE CALLED "BRIDE HARD"

SOMEONE HAS TO TELL HOLLYWOOD

SCREENWRITERS IS NOT HILARIOUS

TO CALL YOUR MOVIE "HARD."

SPY HARD, WALK HARD, LOVE HARD

WE'VE HAD

AND GET HARD.

I'M SAVING MY MONEY FOR MEL

GIBSON'S SEQUEL TO THE PASSION

OF THE CHRIST, DIE AND COME BACK

FROM THE DEAD HARD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEW RULE: YOU CAN'T CALL THE

COPS IF A STRIPPER REFUSES TO

GET YOU OFF IN THE CHAMPAGNE

ROOM.

THAT'S WHAT SULTAN AL NO-FEE -

OF COURSE, A FLORIDA MAN - DID

RECENTLY, AND I'D LIKE TO SAY TO

HIM, C'MON MAN, THE COPS HAVE

ENOUGH ON THEIR PLATES.

THIS ISSUE CAN BE RESOLVED BY A

SIMPLE UPGRADING OF BATHROOM

WALLS: "CALL JENNY FOR A GOOD

TIME."

"CALL TIFFANY WITH AN ISSUE WITH

YOUR BILL."

"CALL JASMINE TO CONTINUE IN

SPANISH."

IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

NEW RULE: THE TWO WOMEN

CONVICTED LAST WEEK OF FORCED

LABOR WHO WERE RUNNING A SEX

CULT THAT PRACTICES "ORGASMIC

MEDITATION" - HAVE TO ADMIT

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS

"ORGASMIC MEDITATION."

[LAUGHTER]

IN THE VENN DIAGRAM OF "ORGASMS"

AND "MEDITATION," THERE'S NO

OVERLAP, AND IF THERE IS, YOU'RE

DOING IT WRONG.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I'VE SEEN A LOT OF BUDDHA

STATUES IN THAI RESTAURANTS AND

THE BACKYARDS OF ACTRESSES, AND

NOT ONCE IS BUDDHA MAKING THE "O

FACE."

[LAUGHTER]

NEW RULE: IF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH

WANTS TO BE SEEN AS MODERNIZING,

THEY HAVE TO RECONSIDER PUTTING

ST. TERESA ON DISPLAY AS THEY

HAVE DONE PERIODICALLY OVER THE

YEARS SINCE HER DEATH IN 1582.

THE CHURCH SAYS IT'S PRACTICALLY

A MIRACLE HOW WELL PRESERVED SHE

IS.

WELL...

HERE SHE IS AS BERNINI SCULPTED

HER IN 1652, AND HERE SHE IS

TODAY.

[LAUGHTER]

AGELESS.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT HER.

AMAZING!

BERNINI.

REALITY.

AND THAT'S WHY ST. TERESA IS THE

PATRON SAINT OF THE PHOTOS ON

OKCUPID.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S MAKE THE FATHER'S DAY WE

[APPLAUSE]

JUST CELEBRATED THE LAST ONE

THAT TAKES PLACE IN A CULTURE

WHERE DADS HAVE BECOME SUCH

PUNCHING BAGS - LITERALLY THE

LAST DEMOGRAPHIC GROUP THAT TV,

ADS AND MOVIES CAN STILL DEPICT

AS CLUELESS, USELESS DIPSHITS -

[LAUGHTER]

BASICALLY JUST ANOTHER CHILD

THAT MOM HAS TO LOOK AFTER.

EVERY SITCOM IS "TONIGHT ON ABC,

LARRY BURNS DOWN THE HOUSE," AND

THE TAGLINE IN THE COMMERCIAL

FOR EVERY HOUSEHOLD PRODUCT IS

BASICALLY "BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND

IS A MORON."

MOVING IN TOGETHER.

IT'S A BIG STEP.

A TEST.

A TEST THAT JEFF FAILED

MISERABLY.

Bill: I'M NOT SURE WHEN THIS

TREND STARTED, BUT I'M GOING TO

BLAME THE 1987 MOVIE THREE MEN

AND A BABY, THE PREMISE OF WHICH

IS THAT THREE GROWN MEN CAN'T

MANAGE TO KEEP A BABY ALIVE.

THE SAME YEAR GAVE US MARRIED

WITH CHILDREN, WITH ITS IDIOT

SHOE SALESMAN OF A FATHER,

FOLLOWED BY AN ENDLESS PARADE OF

EYEROLL, SHORT BUS DADS - HOMER

SIMPSON, FAMILY GUY, MODERN

FAMILY, MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE,

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, HOME

IMPROVEMENT, ACCORDING TO JIM•

AND IT'S NOT JUST THE OLD

SCHOOL, BROADCAST TV SITCOMS -

IT'S EVERYWHERE - IT'S HIGHBROW

STREAMING STUFF, IT'S MAJOR

MOTION PICTURES, IT'S MINOR

MOTION PICTURES - IT'S IN

EVERYTHING.

AND LOOK, I KNOW I DON'T HAVE

ANY KIDS - I MADE A DIFFERENT

CHOICE IN LIFE AND DECIDED TO

HAVE MONEY -

[LAUGHTER]

BUT ALL THESE SHOWS, THEY CAN'T

ALL BE LYING ABOUT WHAT IT'S

LIKE TO HAVE KIDS.

YOUR EQ IS OFF THE CHARTS.

I'M NICK NOW?

WHAT HAPPENED TO DAD THE?

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT HAPPENED

TO DAD TO.

ASSHOLE, I HAD COMING HERE.

IT'S ONLY $10.

DO YOU HEAR HOW THEY TALK TO

ME?

YOU'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING.

HOLD ON, WHEN ARE YOU GUYS

PLANNING ON COMING HOME?

11 OR 12?

YOU KNOW YOU BOTH HAVE SCHOOL

TOMORROW?

THAT'S TRUE, WE DO, HE'S

RIGHT.

IT'S ALL GOOD, COME ON.

Bill: KIDS TODAY:

THEY'RE LIKE TRUMP, THEY THINK

THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO THEM.

AND MOM?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S ALWAYS THE SMART ONE, THE

GOOD ONE, HE'S JUST LUCKY TO BE

IN HER ORBIT.

AND I GET IT THAT THIS IS A

CORRECTION TO CENTURIES OF WOMEN

BEING DEEMED THE "WEAKER SEX,"

BUT HOW LONG DOES THE CORRECTION

LAST?

AND WHEN WILL MEN STOP MAKING ME

THROW UP IN MY MOUTH WITH THE

WAY THEY PANDER SO NAKEDLY: RYAN

GOSLING SAYS "I THINK WOMEN ARE

BETTER THAN MEN• THEY'RE BETTER

T-SHIRT AGREES.

TERRY CREWS BELIEVES IT: •"WOMEN

ARE• SMARTER THAN MEN FOR REAL!"

HE SAYS, AND EVEN BARACK OBAMA

SAYS ABOUT WOMEN THAT "WHAT I

CAN SAY PRETTY INDISPUTABLY IS

THAT YOU'RE BETTER THAN US."

REALLY?

BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER

MICHELLE TAKING OUT BIN-LADEN.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

AND HERE'S WILL FERRELL'S QUICK

HUMAN HISTORY RECAP:

MEN, WE'VE BEEN RUNNING THE

SHOW SINCE, WHAT, 10,000 B.C.?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

AND WE'RE NOT DOING SO GOOD...

ISN'T IT JUST TIME FOR WOMEN TO

RUN THE PLANET?

Bill: A SENTIMENT LEONARD

COHEN CONCURS WITH, SAYING• I

WISH THE WOMEN WOULD HURRY UP

AND TAKE OVER.

WELL, MANY OF THEM HAVE, AND IT

WASN'T THAT DIFFERENT: QUEEN

MARY BURNED 300 PEOPLE AT THE

STAKE JUST FOR BEING PROTESTANT.

CLEOPATRA, CATHERINE THE GREAT,

GOLDA MEIR, INDIRA GANDHI, NONE

OF THEM WERE ANY LESS VIOLENT OR

HARD-ASS THAN MEN.

HILLARY VOTED FOR THE IRAQ WAR.

MARIE ANTIONETTE LET THEM EAT

CAKE.

SO BESIDES BEING HISTORICALLY

NAIVE, THIS CRINGY PANDERING IS

WHY TEENAGE BOYS FLOCK TO JERKS

LIKE ANDREW TATE.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS,

YOUR TEENAGE SON DOES: HE'S AN

ACCUSED RAPIST TURNED

"INFLUENCER" WHOSE VIDEOS GET

BILLIONS OF VIEWS WHERE HE SAYS

THINGS LIKE WOMEN SHOULD BEAR

RESPONSIBILITY FOR BEING

SEXUALLY ASSAULTED.

YES, HE'S A HUGE ASSHOLE - AND

YOUR KID THINKS HE'S COOL.

BECAUSE THAT'S THE CHOICE OF

ROLE MODELS THAT AN AMERICAN

TEENAGE BOY HAS: EITHER

PERFORMATIVE PUSSYHOOD OR THE

MANOSPHERE.

JESUS, CAN'T THE PENDULUM EVER

LAND IN THE MIDDLE IN THIS

COUNTRY?

CAN'T WE HAVE SOMETHING IN

BETWEEN A COMPLETE CUCK WHO

DARES NOT OPEN HIS MOUTH FOR

FEAR OF MANSPLAINING AND• OWNING

A TIGER?

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THE DEMOCRATS ARE ALWAYS ASKING

"HOW DO WE WIN BACK MEN?"

JUST BE REAL.

NOT A MONSTER, AND NOT A

DOORMAT, IS THAT SO HARD?

[APPLAUSE]

AND AS FAR AS THE "LAST 10,000

YEARS" THING?

WHO INVENTED THE WHEEL AND

FIGURED OUT FIRE?

I DON'T KNOW, NO ONE KNOWS -

TOTALLY COULD HAVE BEEN A WOMAN.

AND WOMEN THROUGHOUT HISTORY

UNDOUBTEDLY WOULD HAVE

CONTRIBUTED MORE IF MEN HAD

TAKEN THEM MORE SERIOUSLY, LIKE

THOSE AFRICAN-AMERICAN MATH

WIZZES AT NASA WHO HELPED PUT A

MAN ON THE MOON.

[APPLAUSE]

BUT LET'S NOT PRETEND, MY FELLOW

HUMANS WITH A PENIS WHO ARE SO

DOWN ON YOURSELVES, THAT YOUR

CONVENIENT, PLEASANT, CUSHY

LIVES WOULD BE ANYTHING CLOSE TO

THAT WITHOUT A FEW LITTLE THINGS

THAT MEN CONTRIBUTED.

LIKE ELECTRICITY.

AND BATTERIES.

AND MOVIES, MICROPHONES, THE

PLOW, THE COMPASS, THE CLOCK,

THE ALARM CLOCK, THE PRINTING

PRESS, THE INTERNET, THE TOILET,

THE TELESCOPE, PENICILLIN,

PLANES, THE MAGNA CARTA, THE

TELEPHONE, THE SMARTPHONE,

ROCKETS, THE THEORY OF UNIVERSAL

GRAVITATION, REFRIGERATION, AIR

CONDITIONING, THE THEORY OF

EVOLUTION, THE COMPUTER, A.I.

- SORRY ABOUT THAT ONE - AND TH

[LAUGHTER]

GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL.

MEN BUILT THE RAILROADS AND THE

ROAD ROADS, NOT TO MENTION

DEMOCRACY AND THE BILL OF RIGHTS

AND, OH YEAH, DYING BY THE TENS

OF MILLIONS TO END SLAVERY,

DEFEAT FASCISM, AND FACE DOWN

COMMUNISM.

WHEN YOUR POWER GOES OUT AND

COMES BACK ON IN 20 MINUTES,

THAT'S BECAUSE A MAN IN A

RAINCOAT WENT OUT IN THE WIND

AND THE LIGHTNING AND CLIMBED A

POLE AND FUCKED WITH LIVE WIRES

- I'M JUST SAYING: MEN?

WE'RE NOT COMPLETELY USELESS -

SO IF YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT TO GET

DAD NEXT FATHER'S DAY?

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE RESPECT?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU WERE

TERRIFIC.

WE ARE OFF THE MONTH OF JULY.

WANT TO THANK THESE GUYS,

DAVE BARRY.

CLUB RANDOM DROPS EVERY SUNDAY

ON YOUTUBE, OR LISTEN WHEREVER

YOU GET YOUR PODCASTS.

NOW GO WATCH "OVERTIME" ON

YOUTUBE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪