Original subtitles

I've never seen a more vulnerable town. It was like it was set up by toddlers.

Okay, we've got the general store, we've got the bank, which I think will be of

interest to you. Oh, yeah. The deputy there is dumb as a stump. But the one

person you need to watch out for is John Henry Hoyle, the town sheriff.

That bitch.

He's a marksman. You've got a B -plus at Harvard in the gun club. All right, I'm

going to tell you something. This is the way I'm going to come right to you.

I've got to do this. I'm cooked up.

Hi, boys.

See you again.

Many people believe that the Knights Templar have, like, a piece of the Holy

Cross or the Ark of the Covenant. And that they have, over the years, passed

them down to the Masons. Oh, would he ever try shutting up? Got a hole in me.

Yeah. You hit a fence post. It went right through here. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Boyle!

What? I gotta talk to you. We're in trouble.

I followed Bellstar on her way out of town.

She met up with Sam.

She was kissing on him. They were rubbing each other. She looked real

then she pulled out a map of our town.

And they're planning to come back here. They're going to kill everybody.

They're going to doom this town.

I know.

Boy! I gave him the map.

Good, good.

What is she doing here?

What are you doing? Whoa, whoa, stop it, stop it. You don't just jump on

somebody. And you, you don't just jump back.

No, she's... Stop it. Please. No. Oh, stop it.

There's a part of me that wants to let this happen.

Wait. Yeah, that's... Stop it. Stop it. She deserves to be attacked. She's a

double -crosser. He sent me up there. Apparently, you don't know who the

master is. What? We're doing a double -end -around big -time pull. We're doing

loop -de -loop, round -and -out, and we're going to do a corkscrew shuffle.

And turning it inside -out at the end. A little ping -pong.

Let's go over to the saloon, and I'll explain. It's all part of the plan,

Now, come on.

Don't you let her first.

Don't run after her, Bill.

All right,

everybody. Could you please calm down? Everybody, please. Eli, could you

please get everybody's attention?

You idiot. So much better. All right. Okay. I will refackel that once I get a

chance. Everybody, if I could, now that I've got your attention, I know a lot of

people are concerned about Sam Starr and his gang of ruthless killers that are

sitting right outside of town. And I know many of you have heard that my

Belle Starr. Here you are. Hello.

Hi, sweet.

Why are you doing that? Because I'm playing for the lady. It's polite.

Thank you, Wanda. That's a friend. You're very welcome. All right, well,

likes it. Okay, that's fine. You want it.

Yesterday, Belle traveled to Sam's camp.

Sam thought he was sending Belle in here to get information on the town.

But we have given him false information.

He is going to come into town the way we want him to.

Which is how?

Right down Main Street.

Double end around.

I don't think so. I saw what I saw. I think the only one she's doing a double

end around on is you.

Stop it. That's not... Just inciting everyone.

I am trying to fit the mood. This is not casual conversation. Is this helping

you? I'm jazzed, Wanda. It's adding something.

All right, fine, fine, fine.

All right, we're all jazzed. Okay, look, we brought you here to warn you guys.

Sam Star and his gang, they're coming in the morning, so we have 12 hours to get

it together.

And tomorrow, they are going to ride in, lop off as many heads as they can,

they're going to steal everything and burn the place down. Here is my plan.

will hold down the fort here inside the saloon. Meanwhile, I will face Sam

Star alone.

Oh, that seems like a terrible idea.

Wait.

That's a terrible plan. Who can shoot better than me? Nobody. But just you

alone, that's one target. You've got to shoot so many others. I've got it under

control, Leprom. May I throw out a second plan?

They're not coming till morning, right? We've got some time. Everybody grab what

they can. And then we sneak out two by two. Just start over someplace else

and healthy.

That's a plan.

That's a good plan.

That's like a Noah's Ark.

Tidwell's right. That is an option.

We could all...

Neek out of here on our little yellow bellies one by one by one and leave

this town to Sam Star and his clan.

I like my life here. I'm prospering here.

Exactly. Let's think about what we've built here.

Many of us have started businesses.

We've raised our children.

We've buried many, many husbands stolen from this town.

We've lost our farms to grasshopper plagues. That's true. We've done weird

things to cadavers.

Just in the name of science.

Each one of these nails represents someone who was nailed by honey or one

whores. We are a community.

We're not Doddsitians.

We're not Hazians.

No! We're not Chicagoans. No! We're not Kansasitians.

No! We're great fans.

Stand up. We bend over.

That's how we survive.

What happens to the oak tree when the tornado comes?

It snaps.

No, the great minions bend over.

But we're going to bend over this time, but we're going to have a gun in our

ass. And we're going to shoot a bullet right between the eyes of Sandstorm.

I'll face him alone. I just need two people to help me. Tin wool and shake.

Okay!

I can do this!

Yeah! I can do this! Yeah!

Nakoma? It's Sheriff John Henry Hall. What?

What are you doing here? Nekoma, I came to talk to you. Honey, what are you

doing here? You're supposed to be helping getting the town protected. I

make a little bit of money because I have to take care of all the freeloaders

that I have hanging around in my bar all day.

Uh, this is awkward.

Um, I've actually come to speak to you, Nekoma. I need some assistance.

Sam Star and his clan are outside of my town. I was wondering, um, if you and

your guys might want to team up?

No, I can't. I can't put my people against Sam Star. Because I do that, he

destroy more people of my tribe.

Okay, well, this was a waste of time.

My wife, Kawana, has one request.

Oh. She wants you to join us now. I'd love to.

No, no, no, no, no. Hoyle can't do that, you see, because he's married to Belle

Starr, and he's very serious about keeping that promise to her. This is,

know, Native American relations.

This is business.

It's part of our culture.

Yeah. You think Belle's going to buy that angle?

Because I wouldn't.

All right, I'll go keep the town from being raped and pillaged. Thank you.

Please enjoy your threesome.

Oh, we will. Thank you.

Don't even ask.

Come on. All right. Get in formation.

All right.

Here's the plan.

This is us in the saloon. I'll be in here protecting the women.

Everyone will come in and rape and maim through here. Raping and maiming. And

then that's Kidwell and that's Shank.

You're out there thinning them out as they come down.

Wait. Thinning out. Thinning him out. Now, that implies at some point they

overtake us and either rape and or kill, maim, and slash us. Well, that's the

negative way to look at it. Yeah, that's the only way to look at it, I think.

You're pretty okay being in the saloon rather than being out where everything

else is happening. I mean, I would do that, but Hoyle told me to protect the

women.

Well,

great. Looks like we're all doomed. Can't wait.

Well, Pearl, I'm going to be here protecting you.

Not impressed.

No. You know what I noticed is that between my shop and your school, we have

huge building that created a pass -through.

Oh. Maybe some sort of a quad? I don't think that's what this map is for.

Oh, that's right. This is the suicide map. Oh, that's right.

We're the suiciders. I tell you what, if the raping doesn't happen, I'm getting

a sledgehammer and taking that wall out. All right. If the raping does happen,

I'll do it, too.

Okay, who I...

I used some food to give you energy.

How's my little sharpshooter? Good, good. Listen, you know, I was thinking,

know, after this is all over, what do you think about the two of us going back

to Cambridge?

Oh, I would love that. Really? I would love to be in Cambridge.

That sounds wonderful.

Oh, I see you're awake. How disappointing. You didn't just nod off

cage. Oh, if it isn't the evil Miss Bell Star.

Oh, if it isn't Cole Younger, lady killer. Not in the romantic way, but I'm

man who kills ladies kind of a way.

I kill ladies both ways. I should have shot you in the face, though. You don't

actually kill ladies that much. I'll just give you a five in the sack. This

over here, he will just tend to a woman's needs for hours in her nether

reason. It's really easy.

What I do is at first I start with butterfly kisses.

You know, on a... And then just...

And then go like this.

I don't even know what that is.

Sheriff, Lavinia Fimstar's coming.

Hey, friend.

Oh, hey, Cole. Oh, hey, Cole!

He's alive and awake, and that's a great thing for everybody in the town. That's

a coincidence. You being outside the jail and me being inside.

A lot has happened while you were out cold. So, you know, just there were

changes. No, no, no, no, no, no! I need my throat to breathe! Stop it, both of

you. Everybody.

You're brothers.

Besides, I am focused.

on Sam Star right now. I don't need this.

Now, remember the plan, all right? I face Sam Star and his gang.

Meanwhile, you go to the saloon to protect the women.

That's a bad plan.

I got an idea.

You put a gun in my hand, and I'll help you catch Sam Star.

Cole, you think I'm gonna let you out of jail, give you a firearm so you can

stand with me against Sam Star?

Well, I don't think you have much of a choice.

The enemy of our enemies.

We may have gotten a little early. They'll be here, though. Should have

this better.

They're coming.

Oh, yeah, they're coming. There's no question about that.

I'm just saying we probably could have hung out in the jail a little bit

and then it's okay. I mean, I'm perfectly comfortable here.

I'm hungry.

God, I'm hungry.

We're going to want to put boards on the windows.

Whoa, whoa, what are you doing with that? I'm putting the nail into a board.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? I'm going to put it lower.

Hey,

Pearl.

Hey.

You all right?

Having all my father figures in one place, it makes me realize that my mom

really weird taste in men. But also, I think I feel bad if Will got shot. I'm a

little nervous.

You don't have to worry. I'll shoot both of your stepfathers, no problem.

Great.

You've got a lot now.

Oh, good idea. I believe I shall join you.

Let's have a little cigar.

Okay. Thank you.

After we take care of them, we've got a future ahead of us.

We'll have a baby, maybe two.

It'll be... crying in the next room, sort of gently colicked. At that point,

I'll probably be a banker or a hardware store operator.

And chances are... Oh, I didn't know you were

so funny.

Oh,

hold me while I catch my breath.

that my lady here might have left out of her little history.

There was a moment in time when I invited little wee Miss Pearl Starr to

to go straight up to Harvard University.

But no, no, no.

She's got the devil in her. She chose to stay with the James Gang, didn't you,

Pearl? Well, I'm not that girl anymore.

Okay, suit yourself. Have fun with all your babies.

Don't think too hard. It doesn't become...

Is there other stuff you didn't tell them?

No.

Here they are.

out there in the melee?

Oh, I think so.

My doll collection!

You're welcome.

Thank you.

You may not live through this. Is there anything you want me to do?

Would you take care of my doll collection?

Didn't it burn?

No, I got it out. It's over there in the... They're so creepy.

The way they look at you. Well, you can put them in different outfits.

Shut up. No, you shut up.

Oh, you shut up. Don't point at me.

I'll point at you.

It's just a flesh wound.

I see dancing boat rats.

They're here.

Say goodbye, whore.

I don't think so.

An

eye for

an eye, you son of a bitch.

He always gets away. He never gets dead.

I have dreamt of this for so many years.

Naked a grass with a little leather mask.

Belle, thank you so much. You saved my life.

Oh, boy.

But it is I who should thank you.

What? You took out my garbage for me.

You planned this whole thing?

Oh, well, I just figured if I got all the men in my life together, there was a

very good chance, men being men, that you'd just take each other out.

Why? Why would you do this, Myra?

You break the law, and I'm going to come after you. Ooh, that makes it fun.

Let's do this, Hoy.

All right.

Goodbye, great band. You are very simple people.

But I got some outlawing to do, so...

coming with you. What?

Eli, if there's one thing I've realized being married to you, it's that I'm not

the Marion type.

I've got a lot of potential in me, and it's not going anywhere being stuck

I don't know. She's a star.

She's Pearl's star. It's her destiny.

Well, you've been a great stepdad.

You're a kind man.

Very soft hands.

See you around.

I'm sorry.

Great. You're sorry. Look at our town. Because you wouldn't listen to the one

woman who really did care about you. Well, now who you got?

Nighty night with Eli.

Come on, Wanda. Go to work.

Bunch of dingleberries. None of them would have survived this long if we

here. I know. I am strangely turned on, though. By what?

All of it.

I've got some whiskey from the jail.

I like how that tastes.

Okay. No girls allowed.

No girls allowed.

No girls allowed!

No, we know where you're going with that, okay?

Whatever happens, happens.

We'll just let it happen naturally. One free night. When the lights go out, the

mouths go shut.