Original subtitles

All right, keep your wits about you. If that trader's right, we may have finally

tracked down Cole Younger. Yeah. I need to find Cole Younger. I know. I know

what you're trying to do. It's been a while, though. The town's going to turn

us, Eli.

What happened here?

Wow. Well, that trapper was right.

Cole Younger's camp was hidden right here.

But obviously somebody got here before us.

Here's Red.

Oh, no, they tore his brain clean out and fed it to him. Look at that.

It's not just that these men were killed.

Somebody really wanted them to pay.

Look at this.

Burned to death.

Oh, it's like a barbecue from hell.

Smells like chicken, doesn't it?

What group?

is badder and nastier than the Cole Younger gang.

Prairie witches, cougar devils, plane demons.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell is that?

that me f from younger my brother tried to kill you yeah hi eily yeah yeah

whatever what happened sam star happened sheriff who's that you don't know sam

star no i said i just said i don't know that i was saying that for a dramatic

build sheriff you should let him have a dramatic build fine build build oh who

what who did this sam star did this sheriff

There you go. I appreciate the gasp because it is a gasp -worthy name. Tell

who he is!

Sam Star is the worst man in the West. Worse than your brother Cole?

My brother Cole is a gentle summer's breeze compared to the hailstorm that is

Sam Star.

Okay, now that's a big disparity.

That's like saying he's so bad he's the devil himself.

Real fast, does everyone see what I look like? Okay. He runs with a clan.

They're all Cherokee. Some are half -breeds, some are full -breeds, some are

three -quarter -breeds. There's a lot of mixing going on.

Anyhow, they're all bad.

And they came in here, and they just started cutting.

Faces, hands, you name it. Feeding pieces to people, feeding other people

other people, and you see the horror show that's over there.

Sam wears ears around his neck on a string.

Ugh. Yeah.

On account he knows Cole shot Bellstar.

Bellstar was my wife.

Your brother killed my wife. Sam Star did not take kindly to that, and he has

been hunting us for two years now because he wanted to avenge.

Your wife, Belle Star, is dead.

Wait, so Sam is Pearl Star's father?

No, no, no, no. Cole is Pearl Star's father.

Oh, sure. He told us that.

Sam is Pearl Star's stepfather. Correct. Another stepfather?

Yes.

Which means that he's my stepfather -in -law.

I'm your stepfather -in -law. Why is that important to you? It's important!

Where the hell is your brother?

He escaped, as per usual. He's like a magician.

It's like, hey, don't look over here. Gone.

And you know who's over here? Look at this one. This one's Ephraim.

Tard, feathered, tree -tied. I hate to, you know, add to the bad news, but

you're under arrest for kidnapping him.

Well, you want to maybe help me get out of this then? All right. Do you have it

everywhere, even up in your... Like, yeah. Oh, God. Wow.

They were very thorough.

So Sam has been carrying a torch for Belle.

When Cole murdered her, Sam found out about it and has been tracking us for

years. Sheriff, I got to give you a word of warning.

Sam Starr is not the kind of man you can handle. Your Harvard learning is not

going to matter two things when he's got your ears around his neck on a string.

And this is your stepfather?

Yep. Are there any other stepfathers I should know about? I don't know.

God! I just hate this about you, Pearl. Things just keep being revealed, being

revealed, being revealed. I need segue. I need transition. Instead of just being

surprised all the time.

Well, I'm sorry. Let me pull out my family tree and look through it and read

the names. Oh, wait. I can't read, so I can't do that. See, the literacy thing

really is becoming a problem.

I may be alone in this, but I think women should be taught to read. Oh,

Yes! And even to vote someday.

What? Oh, my God.

It would be nice if they were dressed in clothing that they could actually do

stuff in.

I want to find your brother. Okay. So I can kill or incarcerate him. No offense.

Fine. Then once I get him, I'll track down stepdaddy number one, Sam, and I'll

kill or incarcerate him. No offense.

Fine. How can I find your brother?

I'll tell you where my brother is. You let me go.

Tell you what.

You give me information about Cole. If I get him, I will consider taking it easy

on you.

This is the face you will see if your information turns out to be good.

All right, that's considerate. Okay.

Cole is with the Widow Web.

Wait a minute. Cole Younger is with Lavinia Web Dunlop Doe? Off and on for

years. That makes me mad.

We're going to Lavinia Web Dunlop Doe's house. Put him in jail. You'll stay in

there until I find out if this is true.

I want to see some of that consideration. Watch.

I'm about to ask. Okay, put him in. Is there any other big thing that I should

know about? Are you a man?

No, I'm not a man.

Good. Let's go.

Lavinia's out.

All right. I'm not a man.

I know you're not.

Hello, Lavinia.

Hands up.

Turn around.

Take a seat, please.

What's happening?

The law is happening. The law is happening.

A whole lot of law is happening. A whole lot.

It's too much. Really? Yeah. I thought I was just backing you up. Not on

everything. I'll tap you. Okay, great.

Boyle, what are you doing here? Okay, you stay right where you are. Where you

are. Or like a yeah, where you are. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, where you are.

Perfect.

We have received information from an anonymous source that you have been

regularly copulating with one Cole Younger. Behind my back, here in this

no doubt. Probably his gun still holstered on his body while he took your

femininity. Yeah, huge, huge member.

Huge! How do we know that? Because we saw him copulating with my girlfriend.

Like a cucumber in heat.

Bigger than a cucumber. You have really thought this out.

Well, then where is he? Not here.

Then I guess you don't mind if we take a look around.

Yes, actually, I do mind. You are the bane of my existence, Hoyle. Oh, what is

this?

A receipt? A receipt from Hamilton's Fine Dresses and Hosiery.

I bought a dress.

Really? Size 14?

Yes. You don't look like the type of lady who wears a size 14 dress.

Well, I am. Check for tax. Don't touch it!

Just as I expected, it's a zero.

You know what?

A size 14 would perfectly fit one Cole Younger, wouldn't it? Question is, why

would Cole Younger be wearing a size 14 dress?

Thank you, Harvard.

San Francisco, stagecoach. Cape of Good Hope, 3 .10 p .m. Oh,

it's all so clear now. So clear.

Your lover.

Cole Younger is so terrified of Sam Star and the Star Clan, he has disguised

himself as a woman. He's caught the 330 stagecoach to San Francisco, where he

will catch, no doubt, a steamboat to the Cape of Good Hope. Eli, you take

Lavinia to jail. What am I going to jail for?

Aiding and abetting a known outlaw and copulating with him also.

You drop her at the jail. Meet me at the stagecoach.

I'll go intercept it. I'll see you in a bit. Everybody knows what they're doing.

I know what I'm doing.

He's good when he thinks quickly.

I should probably take this for Evan. I'm going to leave the pencil.

Okay. 310 coach. See you in a bit.

No, no, excuse me, ladies.

I'm sorry, I was a little late for the stagecoach.

Just give me a second.

That was a lot harder than I thought. My heart, I may vomit.

All right. Yep.

Eli!

I can't believe you just left us here. I know, it's truly dastardly. I mean,

when's he coming back? Who knows? They might be gone for days.

For days?

Well, technically we're not alone because I have you and you have me,

meant alone together.

But, yeah.

How did Hoyle know that Cole and I have been having relations all this time?

Wow.

It's just going to be one of those questions. It's an egg -chicken

Okay.

You know how you always feel better after you let it go. Never hold it in.

is your name?

I'm Miss Erin Ferguson.

You're Irish.

I am. You know what they say about the Irish?

No. Lots of stuff.

And what are your plans in San Francisco?

My grandmother. She has the gout.

The disease of the king.

Her toe just fell off. Oh, yeah. I am missing both of my big toes.

Really? Yeah, it was a college prank gone wrong.

I went to Harvard.

That's amazing. Yes.

And you are?

Oh, she's in mourning.

I'm worried about her. She hasn't said a peep since Great Ben. Oh, hasn't showed

herself at all.

Hasn't said a peep. Huh.

Can't believe they would leave a man and a woman together in a prison cell.

It evokes an image of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Just two people with

nothing but time.

Lesser man might just, you know, toss you up against that wall, maybe try a

little flap and tickle, just sort of see what works.

Well, it's a good thing that's not going to happen. Not going to happen at all.

I'm actually after an outlaw.

Oh, really? Yes, that's my job.

I search out outlaws. You like that. The ladies seem to like that. And, you

know, with my training in criminology, I can track criminals.

You know, they always leave a trail.

It's science that does it. If P, then Q.

Okay, you guys wouldn't know because you're not educated.

Well, I'm very impressed.

You all right?

You need a hanky?

Wait a minute. You've got a little something under your... Where'd he go?

Not a Derringer?

I'm going to take you.

I'm going to carve you up.

Maybe I'll just cut your nose off.

What do you think of that?

I'm going to stick you like a pig.

Just run away when trouble happens. He does really beat it. Yeah.

Do you know that he, after all this time, will not marry me because he

have a curse? A curse?

Because all my husbands die.

Well, Cole killed two of those husbands. He sure did.

So your curse might be Cole.

I never thought of that. Yeah, sometimes Ephraim just pops out a gem.

I did not expect... something like that to come out of your mouth. I got all

sorts of thoughts in here. I haven't even thought of it.

Eli!

It's a fence post.

Impaled it.

He's dead.

He's gotta be.

Cole, can you hear me?

Let's get his mask off so we can breathe.

Look,

he's got a false nose.

Put it back on.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Cole.

Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea.

I haven't seen anything like that since the Civil War.

You were in the Civil War?

Yeah. It was the first time I ever shot a man.

I wasn't always the great shot I am now. I was a cook.

It was the worst battle of them all.

It was at Pittsburgh Landing.

13 ,000 casualties just by lunchtime.

Hey, everybody.

Lunchtime, or it's more of a brunch, but you guys started so early. I was

serving soup to the men right at the front wall.

Okay, by the way, I didn't want to light a fire, obvious reason. This is called

gazpacho.

It's delicious.

It's supposed to be cold. Can I make a suggestion, though? Instead of just

running out there as a group, you guys might want to hide behind stuff.

That'll help with the bullets.

But let's see our soup cups is half full, you know?

All of a sudden, this fresh wave of Confederate rebels with their yell,

their blood curdling. Yeah!

soldier came right over the wall.

It was hand -to -hand combat.

I wasn't trained for that.

Suddenly, this young Confederate soldier comes right over the wall.

I reached down and I grabbed a musket just in time.

His face, his nose, his forehead.

It was the battle of the shadow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my Lord.

It was cold.

I know we can try to pass the time with an activity.

Like what?

Uh, you ever arm wrestle?

Yes.

Let me feel your arm.

It's like a piece of mahogany.

I only arm wrestle for money.

Oh, that is a commodity I'm fresh out of.

How about if I pin you, I get a kiss?

Well, if I pin you, what do I get? You don't get a kiss.

We both win.

Okay.

One, two, three.

I really thought I was going to beat you. I really thought I was going to

I propose a draw.

Okay. One, two, three.

Damn it.

You know Cole would probably kill you for this.

I created Cole Younger.

Well, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself.

Don't you see?

If I hadn't mutilated him, he wouldn't have become an outlaw.

He wouldn't have shot Myra, my wife.

I'm sorry, Cole.

We gotta save him. We can't let him die.

What we're gonna do is we're gonna push the post out. I'm gonna wedge a rock in

it. Just to hold it until we get back. That sounds reasonable.

This is not gonna be pretty.

One, two, three!

This

is hard

for me, Hoyle.

On the one hand, he's my brother.

On the other hand, he nearly got me killed six or seven different times.

Well, he's still alive, although he is barely hanging on.

You two, come on out here. I want to talk to you.

Really? Yep.

Now, Ephraim, as promised, you gave me information that led to the capture of

Cole. If I hadn't known he was copulating with Lavinia like you told

wouldn't be here. So you're free to go. You're the one that told him? Can we

talk about this some other time? No, I think we should talk about it right now.

Well, now is not a good time to talk about it. You're just doing me under the

wagon. You know we're going to have to talk about this. I don't like talking.

You guys can talk. You guys, it's okay with me if you talk about it now.

Sheriff, I'm just trying to have a conversation with my fiancée for a

Could you back her down?

Fiancée? That's a French word meaning you're betrothed. Oh, yeah, you hadn't

heard? We're engaged.

Yeah, so there's nothing there. There will be after the wedding. Got it. Now,

Ephraim, just, you know, you are aware of Lavinia's...

Curse. Well, deadly curse. He knows. I'm looking this curse square in the eyes,

and I'm saying, hey, curse, step aside.

My love for this woman will overpower you. He's the real brave younger.

Well, Ephraim, I am impressed.

It takes a brave man to marry the black widow, especially when you got your

brother who's her lover that may live through this and will most likely mess

up if he finds out. I'm not worried about Cole.

I got her love to guide me to where I need to be.

Well, hot damn, congratulations.

Oh, my God. You got me in my hip.

Take him to shake.

Don't die. Shake him. Don't die. I'm not going to die.

Hey, come on. Hey, we might want to restructure the nature of our

We are getting married whether you like it or not. Can't we just do common law?

I give him three days.

You know, they're not married yet. He could still survive.

Good point.

Well, let's not let all that dampen our day, huh? We got Cole Younger. Yeah. And

now, the next step?

Lunch.

No, I was going to say Sam Star. We're on Sam Star. Maybe a quick fornication

appointment? Yeah, that'd be nice. And then Sam Star.