Original subtitles

There, my friend, is what killed your uncle.

Swallowed a grasshopper. Yeah, he inhaled it. It's more likely.

Okay, inhaled the grasshopper. Here's my theory.

All right.

He panicked. A horde of grasshoppers came in. See,

the chickens didn't panic. Emily didn't panic. He panicked. And when those

grasshoppers came in, it went through every orifice of his body. See? See how

there's two up his nose, one in his ear? Every orifice. He was... Filled by

grasshoppers. Filled and then killed.

Filled and killed.

So it's like your uncle gave you a nice wedding gift, Eli.

You're the last in the brocious line.

You just became a farmer.

All of this, everything you see, is all yours.

This,

ah, this is your new best friend.

You think Pearl would like to live on here?

Can you imagine if you were really that obtuse?

Come on, let's go.

These birds are freaking me out.

There she is.

There's my stepdaughter.

This is a very proud moment for a father, stepfather.

There he is.

Who's this?

My husband. Your husband.

Who's this over here?

That's my wife.

Uh -huh.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I support what the two of you are doing.

And if that leads to babies, no pressure.

But I'd love to be a grandfather.

Well, as soon as we can make that happen, we will make that happen. Or

we'll be really busy.

Well, with the infant mortality rate, chances are it's going to take a few

tries, like quite a few, like in the teens.

Can't wait.

Once you recover from the grasshopper plague, everything should be fine.

Yeah, they say around town that that's an act of God. We're not supposed to be

this far west.

But, no, God doesn't bring grasshoppers in to wipe us out because he hates us.

God loves all of us.

Unless you don't believe in Jesus, then God hates you. Except when you're a Jew,

he does.

especially if you don't love Jesus. If you're a Jew and you love Jesus, then

hates you for that.

Very simple, unless you're Buddhist.

Then it's about finding the nothingness that's in the universe.

But that's not God. God is everything.

Nothing is nothing, and everything is everything.

So what you're saying is there's no God?

Personally, yes. I feel that there's absolutely no God. But I don't say that

God because I'm Jewish and if there is an afterlife, I want to hedge my bet.

I'm saying to you is that God would not bring grasshopper plagues upon us

because he hates us. I say to God, God, if you hate the town of Great Bend, may

you strike us dead right now.

You know, this has been happening more and more.

People have been shooting at me all week long.

Why are they shooting at you? Well, it has nothing to do with God hating us.

I'll tell you that much.

But to be honest with you, I don't really know.

The good news is I got him. The chances of another criminal trying to kill me

today, very slim.

at me, everybody.

Excuse me. I got to find out what's going on.

Ah.

Everybody.

Uh -uh. No, no.

Right back out the door, Hoyle. Everywhere you go, men are dying.

Well, people are shooting at me, granted, but I think it's just, it's

coincidence. Get out!

What? She said get out! First we got the grasshoppers come in, and then

everybody's dying around you. I don't even want to wait for what's going to

happen next. I just don't want to be around you. You're losing it, Tidwell.

There is no connection between the grasshoppers and the people trying to

the sheriff.

I beg to differ.

What? I taunt him.

God is here. Send somebody to strike right now.

Pile!

I rest my case. He called it. Keeps happening. Bingo. Would you stop it?

This is a sign. This is a sign.

Mexican silver dollar.

And a picture.

I know what that is. My great granddaddy who was in the Cosa Nostra.

What? They put out a bounty on you. They make up all these little pictures and

they give them out to hundreds of people. And then everyone, they come

until you're dead.

Wait, you're saying that there's been a bounty set out on my head and people are

trying to kill me? Yeah, that is exactly what I said.

You better just cut a path and get out of here. Please, get out. No, this is

like being struck by lightning. The chances of another one happening now,

very, one in a million. Stop saying that, because every time you do, someone

on the ground. God, I dare you to try to shoot me right now.

Oh, Kenwell! See?

It's still happening. Get out of here! Get a wiggle on, Hoyle! All right, all

right! One shot! Okay, I'll hide out a couple of days.

Eli, I want to thank you for letting me, you know, sort of escape the mayhem in

town. I don't know why strangers are taking shots at me. Hey.

I appreciate you coming out here.

Emily's been acting up. She's been moving around and complaining.

Fortunately, you have the right man here helping you out because I took a few

courses in animal husbandry at Harvard. They were C -level graduate study

courses, but I decided to go in and audit. And by the looks of things, mm

mm -hmm, yep, we've got a pregnant pig here. So here's what I need. Some

water. I want a little bit of whiskey.

Give me eight feet of rope.

Get my hat, but don't bring it in here. Just leave it on the kitchen because I

can't find it.

And an apple for me because I need some energy.

We're going to have some piglets.

Man, it is quiet out here.

Yep.

How many?

Is there any way to know?

Oh,

wait a second. I'm in the anus.

Just a second. Let me try again here.

Okay, there we go.

There's a piglet. Oh, you know what? I should have washed my hands after the

anus before the vagina.

Uh -oh.

Put your hand down in here. Okay.

Here, put it way in. Way in. Way in. Way in. You feel that?

Yeah. That's my hand, so don't feel that. Okay. There. Now, you feel that?

Look at that.

That is the penis of your first baby piglet. Oh.

And then you feel that?

Yeah. That's a tiny little bit, JJ.

Look, Pearl, I know it can't be easy out here, but just think, a few more weeks,

get Eli all settled in out here, and you'll be able to come back to whoring

time. And then the good times will start rolling.

The funny thing is, Eli doesn't want me to whore at all. He wants me to be a

farm girl.

Well, doesn't Eli realize that your whoring is what's paying down the debt

his farm?

No, I can't tell him that. Why not?

That's the equivalent of just cutting his balls off. Well, you should cut his

balls off. That's what I did with Hoyle.

You see the way that man operates?

Mm -hmm. I've got his ball right here tucked away.

Okay. Oh, yeah. All right. Sorry, Emily. See,

this is the nectar of life.

This is what binds us, what connects us. We all come from the same ooze. Yes!

And speaking of which, you know, imagine all the fluid inside Pearl.

All the people that she's made happy. Doesn't he realize you've been whoring

part -time since you've been out here with him?

Nope.

Oh. So you're already planting the first seeds of lies in your marriage, huh?

I guess.

Atta girl.

I'll tell you something, Pearl. I've had a lot of men come and go out of my

room, and they have told me the secrets to a good marriage are just a

carefully...

executed web of lies that you just spend your life teeter -tottering on to make

sure that none of the pieces of the web fall apart and you have just laid your

first gossamer thread trust me i've seen enough men come and go that i know

that's how they do it all right hold on it's coming honey

we got a baby good

for you

See, you treat them, just give them just a tiny bit of praise. That gets them

excited. And then when they start to feel the boundaries, you smack them

Ah, and here's the placenta.

A lot of people like to eat this. It's very nutritional.

You can have it. Thank you. It'll be a gift. You love it so much. Okay.

Get down!

Jesus! I am so tired of these bounty hunters!

I'm sorry, Eli. I should probably go. I brought him onto your property. I got to

get back in town and figure out what's causing all this. Honey!

We should probably get going. The bounty hunters are here.

Oh, geez, not again.

Hoyle's got someone after his head, so this is kind of how it's become lately.

All right, Hoyle, you start running, and I'll catch up with you.

Brother,

good news.

God's coming.

You got to repent. You got to get your house in order. Get ready. Get ready.

Good news.

Hallelujah.

Sheriff. What?

Stop. Clay, I'm busy. People are trying to kill me. I need to find out who's

behind it. I think it may be God trying to kill you. It's the end of days,

Sheriff. The world as we know it, that's over.

I am a witness.

You're a Jehovah's Witness. I am a Jehovah's Witness. Thank you to Mrs.

Tannenbaum. That's what I'm here to do.

Aren't you a bit concerned about...

The Bible's view, or at least some interpretation's view on homosexuality?

I don't see why I would be... I mean, they point to Leviticus. I don't care

about that. I don't know how it concerns me.

You are homosexual as homosexual is. These words and these acts are offensive

the eyes of the Lord.

See, I disagree. I personally accept you for who you are. And at Harvard, you

know, I did some experimenting of my own. Let me tell you, don't knock it

you try it. It's okay to be a homosexual.

No, no, not in the eyes of the Lord.

It's not okay. In the eyes of my Lord, it's okay. Your Lord is not the real

Lord. There's only one real Lord, and his name is Jeff.

How that?

Adonai is another name for the Lord, okay?

I'm wasting my energy trying to actually save you, and you're not even

reciprocating anything.

I don't want to be saved!

What? What?

Smite him! You're done! You're done! You're cursed! He didn't do it.

Don't tell me who I can smite and who I can't smite! I can smite anyone! You're

smited now! No, you're smited! No, I smite him! I smite you too!

No!

Oh, God! You can't do that!

I killed her!

I smited her!

All right.

You didn't grab the knife. You didn't... Clay!

Hi. You guys Jehovah's Witnesses?

Sheriff, there's a bounty on your head.

And I aims to collect it.

Sheriff? What we have here is a bad news, good news situation.

The bad news is you're going to die.

What's the good news?

The good news is I'm going to kill you.

Well, that's the same as the bad news.

The other bad news is... There's more bad news?

I don't like sharing.

Y 'all got to count to zero to get out of here.

Zero.

What the devil?

You got to be luckier than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

I love cats.

Who put the bounty out on me?

Mexican silver dollars.

Mexican? Whoever's putting the bounty out on me is paying these bounty hunters

with Mexican silver dollars.

Well, I know who has Mexican silver dollars.

Who? Pearl.

Where is she? She's upstairs.

Yeah, where have you been?

Well, I was at the farm, and then there was another issue at a neighboring farm.

Okay, okay, okay. While you were doing all that important stuff, guess what I

was doing?

Avoiding two dozen bounty hunters, one of which had this, like, brass phallus

sticking out of his tummy. Do you see it? It was spinning around, shooting

bullets. I come running across here, crash through perfectly, roll up my

shoulder, pull my gun, take him out. That's what I've been doing.

That sounds impressive.

Okay, this is why I have an issue with you holding down two jobs at once. You

understand? You don't see Honey doing anything but whoring all day long. All

she's doing is whoring, whoring, whoring.

That's not true. I have two jobs.

I'm in the bar.

I run the saloon. Okay, but if I were filing your taxes, the first thing, the

top thing I would put is whoring.

That's fair enough. Okay.

Come on, we're going upstairs. Okay, I'll go first for this one.

Darn right you're going. Eli!

Eli, you don't want to go up there!

Oh, boy.

Hope she's on the bottom.

Hold it right there!

Frank James!

Pearl?

Hi, guys.

Frank James, what are you even doing here? Last time I heard, you were in

Prison. Your charges didn't stick, Sheriff.

How did my charges not stick? I caught you robbing a bank.

Well, but I didn't actually rob it. It doesn't matter! what his charges are.

You're sleeping with my wife.

I've been trying to raise money to save the farm.

Well, Pearl, when you whore, can you whore with law -abiding citizens instead

known criminals?

Or just not whore at all?

She's trying to pay down the debt.

She didn't know that he was hiring people to kill me. I don't know what

talking about. You've got no proof of that, Sheriff. I may not have proof,

Frank, but I know when I smell manure and I smell it all over here and over

here, too.

I don't know what you're talking about with his bounty.

What about me?

You don't get to just... sleep with other people. We're married.

It's just work.

Didn't seem like work.

Pearl,

the stacks

of Mexican silver dollars that you've been giving to Honey, have they been

coming from Frank?

Well, yeah. He's been giving me the silver coins every day.

Well, Pearl, you should know those Mexican silver dollars are also being

hire bounty hunters all over the county to take out your stepfather.

What? I don't know what you're talking about, Sheriff. Oh, really, Frank?

No idea. Look, Frank, if you don't tell the truth right now, I'm never sleeping

with you again.

None of us are going to be sleeping with you.

You're serious?

I'm serious. I'm dead serious.

No more River Ride? Nope. No more biscuit and gravy? Biscuit and gravy

here. No back of the knee?

Nope. Back of the knee? Nope.

Don't come over here looking for back of the knee either.

Or here.

All right. Let's say, hypothetically, there was a guy named Mopunger.

Mopunger. I feel like I went to grade school with Mopunger. No, he built the

schoolhouse. No, no, no, no. That was Mopunger. Oh, yeah, the funger. Cole

Younger. What?

Oh, there is a guy named Cole Younger.

Hypothetically, who gave a bag of silver to a guy named Tank.

Pames.

Frank James.

You smart sumbitch.

And he asked him to spread it around a little bit to try to get rid of, uh,

Carriff Boyle.

Carriff, that's the red -headed one, right?

Uh -huh. You, Harvard, you!

Ah!

You sumbitch tank! You have ruined this town, Sheriff.

This town's no fun anymore.

Great Bend used to be a great place to come. You could do whatever you wanted.

Now you can't get away with nothing.

Mole Punger wants you dead.

And with you dead, he's a pushover.

Oh, I'll pushover your face. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop it.

Stop doing that.

There's more and more.

I think.

Let's say hypothetically, I could talk to this Hank Payne and make the bounty

away. On one condition.

I still get to sleep with Pearl.

It's a deal.

Wait, no.

That's not a deal.

What about me?

You don't get to just sleep with other people. We're married.

It's just work.

It's not to me.

I'm going to go talk to him.

We got a deal, girl.

We got a deal, Tang.

Pearl, I'm very disappointed in you for lying to P -Li.

Eli!

Eli! Where are you going?

Well, I gotta go.

Eli, I can tell you're upset, but you've got to let Pearl be Pearl.

I mean, what did you think? You were marrying a whore? You thought she would

just stop and wake up? Yes. Well, yeah, that is what I thought.

Women don't do that.

Why not?

No one knows.

From the time of Socrates until now, no one knows why women want

to do the stuff they do.

It's not a difficult request. I'm asking her not to sleep with other people.

See, you're not asking her to do it. You're telling her to do it. Yeah, I'm

telling her not to have intercourse with other men. That's what marriage means.

Well, marriage.

Well, maybe you can compromise. Maybe she could just satisfy them orally.

She wants to sleep with hundreds of men she doesn't know at all. But her heart

is yours.

My advice?

Say yes.

Well, I'm not like you.

I'm a simple guy.

I'm going back to the farm. And if she wants to join me, then she can join me.

Congratulations on what you've done with your uncle's farm, Eli.

Thanks, Hall.

I have a good feeling. I think things are about to turn for you to the better.

What?

Tidwell!