Original subtitles

Honey Shaw.

Yeah? It is I, Sheriff John Henry Hoyle. Yeah, I see you, Hoyle. I'm talking to

you. Honey Shaw, I love you.

No shit. And I feel that something has passed between us.

Well, fluid. That has brought our soul into a dance. At first it was a tango.

Then it turned into a waltz.

And now it's just the slow dance where you put your hands on the hip and you

just move around and around forever. Oh, this is awful. What are you doing?

Oh, no.

Oh,

my God.

I'm sorry. I'll be in. What is he doing in there? I'll be in in one second. Give

me a minute, Ethan. Thank you. Get back on the apparatus.

This is my heart.

Let me open it for you. Where did it go?

Where did it go? Okay. Right there. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I

got it.

Everybody back.

Honey Shaw, will you marry me?

Are you done?

Nice try, Hoyle, but no.

No?

No. All right, cut it. Cut it. She said no.

You know, you could tune the trumpet before. You were like a half -stop

Are you kidding me? Did you lose all of your money? I didn't lose it yet. I

assume he's cheating because that's the fourth straight flush in a row. I

haven't had a straight flush in my entire life.

I've played poker over 20 years.

It's a little bit of skill. Check his pockets.

Poyle! What? Enough with this dumb hobby.

There's a ruckus going on in here. All right. What's going on?

All right.

All right. Everybody calm down.

Hey, everyone listen to the mariachi. Yeah.

He's not.

Sheriff John Henry Hoyle. How do you do? And you are? I'm Deacon Jim.

A deacon? Yes, sir. I'm a sexton of the church. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I

gamble a little bit, but just for amusement. And also, at one time, I was

Texas Ranger. Really? Oh, well, perhaps later we could enjoy a cup of tea.

That is a changed story, sir. I would love that. It would be my pleasure.

I'm just talking to him.

He's a snake.

All right. Has anyone seen the deacon sheep?

No, but I searched his pocket. Okay. And what did you find? I found a telegram.

A hat pin and what I think are pickle chips. Yes, and I'd like those

items back. I'll give it back. You'll give it back? All of it? Sure. Now, I

don't see any evidence of foul play here. Well, he took our honeymoon money.

Your honeymoon money?

Our honeymoon money. You offered all of our honeymoon money on the poker table.

What? Well, now, I'm sorry I wasn't aware that you were newlyweds.

I'm not a man without sympathy. I would be more than willing to barter for the

money. Now, how much would it take for you to have a wonderful, memorable

honeymoon? The tickets alone were $10.

$10. All right. And there's meals on the train. Yeah.

I love the toast that they make on the train.

A fancy hat with a feather in it. Oh, certainly.

Now, you, of course, are a lady of the line. So what if we went upstairs for 20

minutes and this will be yours? I think that's about it.

of the clock because of you.

This is why my bullet didn't kill him. The deacon wore it under his shirt. Oh,

that makes sense.

You know what? This is a good idea.

You and I should wear these at all times. That'd be uncomfortable. The cool

bodysuit.

Sheriff Hoyle, he's nowhere. We've looked everywhere.

We can't find him either. Stop looking. No one's asking you to look. What are

you talking about? I will find him. How are you going to find him?

Jibber -jabber. I'm using this, Shank.

I'm going to use this. I'm not going to run around looking for him all over the

place. Running around is how you find someone. This man killed my Aunt Willow.

Wait, she's your aunt?

Yeah, my Aunt Willow. How is that possible?

My grandfather, Ezekiel, married my cousin, Jane, and then they had Willow.

She's a cousin's aunt. I got two.

Oh, a cousin's aunt. So she's your cousin and your aunt.

Yeah, the cousin's aunt. Okay.

My Aunt Willow was really making a footprint in this town, okay? In fact,

were working on a girl -on -girl routine. Oh, you and her?

Yeah. Oh, God. Wait, hear the pitch before you snooty -snoot it. I'm going

think it's hot, but I also think it's wrong, which then I think is hot. Boyle,

picture this.

Four breaths.

Two go up and down on your head. Two go on your cheeks. And then, to top it off,

a blow in your ear.

Okay. That made me turtle.

A lot of people here want justice, Sheriff.

No. He's going to get justice, Vernon. When?

Justice takes time.

First, we have to gather the evidence. We have to tag it all. Then we have to

find him. We have to arrest him. We have to get him a lawyer. We have to have a

pretrial. Then we have to have a trial. Then we have to have the sentencing. So

never, basically, is what you're saying. What if we skip some steps and find him

and hang him up?

Skip some steps!

Skip some steps!

Get out of the way.

Let's skip some steps and let's get right to the news and the hanging.

Well, anarchy has taken over Great Bend.

But, Eli, we will prevail because I've got one thing that these people don't

have. A plan?

A Harvard education.

Oh.

Oh, why are we standing here?

Eli, do you happen to know who was the lead percussionist at the Harvard

Symphony?

Uh... I'm doing this to give you a... It's you. Yeah!

Oh, okay, it's you, yeah.

And you know, I learned a great, great deal about percussive instruments.

And I know one thing.

When you put something inside a drum, it makes a muffled sound.

As I walk along Mr.

Simonson's grain store on his boardwalk, I hear sounds that aren't muffled, like

this. You hear here?

That's tough. I was doing 30 -second notes there.

He was pretty good.

But when something's stuffed inside, it makes a muted sound.

Yeah.

The point I'm making is that over here, the sound is more sustained, whereas

over here, you hear that?

There's a rat hidden underneath here. I know, the town's got a lot of them. No,

but there's a big rat.

Well, the town is filled with vermin. A deacon -sized rat!

Oh, that would be big. The deacon is underneath there!

Aren't you, deacon?

Well, I guess you could say check and mate, sir, if you are a chess -playing

man. I certainly am.

I like to win with my queen and my horsies. I'll see you soon, sir. By the

tell Mr. Simonson he does have a rat problem.

I certainly will.

Good work.

Good work to you.

Yeah, I know.

All right, Deacon.

We're going to have to impound your firearm, along with this ingenious

Oh, little idea I had in Abilene.

Wonderful, wonderful.

I'd also like to introduce you to your cellmate. This is Henry Joillet. He was

bitten by a wild boar. He has rabies.

Yeah, my family found me face down in the pond, just trying to lap up as much

water as I could, and then they loaded me up, brought me here.

He suffers from all the usual rabies symptoms, inflated sexual desire and

thirst. How are you feeling right now?

My bones are on fire, and I may be erect.

Had an ant and Flagstaff had the same melody.

Best thing for her was to be shot right through the eyes. Now, Henry, we could

do that for you if you'd like.

I'd like to take my chances. Well, you're probably going to die. No, not

probably. You're going to die. Well, we'll see. No, you're going to. No.

Yes, you will die. Actually, as long as you're in there, do you think maybe I

could get the honeymoon money back?

I'm afraid that it won't be possible, my young friend, for I won it fair and

square in a game of chance.

Yeah, you lost the money fair and square. There is no evidence that he

However, if you are so inclined, you certainly can win your money back.

You've got a good a chance of winning at poker as Henry does of living.

Chimp in Baselburg. That looks to be a lynch mob gathering out there. I think

you're right, Deacon, but I want you to ease your mind. I'm going to go take a

look -see. Eli, I don't recommend you playing cards.

All right, I'm going to play cards, though.

Here he comes.

What is going on here? We see Deacon Chimp in there. We want justice, Sheriff

Hoyle. Bring him out here.

Why are you all carrying gardening tools?

Because we're here to lynch.

With a rake? I mean, what is that, a branding iron? It's not even hot.

I don't know. I didn't think it through.

Yeah, I would go home and get knives and stuff. Or guns.

Come on, Hoyle. You know the skinny on this guy?

Man's been on the owl hoot trail for years.

He's just... He even killed his own grandparents.

Allegedly, honey.

It's hearsay evidence in the eyes of the judge.

Who said?

Hearsay. You know what? When this all blows over, I'd like to host a caucus or

symposium. He said cock.

Cock. I said cock up.

We'll cock you later. Give us a break. Okay, I got a pair of sixes and a queen

high. Is that good?

That's very good. I got four kings.

Okay, so did I win it? No.

Okay, well, I'm going to need to borrow some more money.

No, no, no, Henry, that's my money. Okay, take care of my chicken.

Is there anything I need to do for him?

Bring this woman in here with me.

Henry?

Henry, let go of the merchandise. You don't want to let go of me there. That's

no way to treat a woman.

Well, my Aunt Willow's death came quick, so we want justice, justice quick!

Yeah!

That's fair. I know she meant a lot to you, honey.

I know she was your cousin.

In some regions, it's Kant. I call it Kazan.

There's just different ways to say it. Well, your Kant is, you know, she died.

I know that she was an important member of the town. I know all of the men and

some of the women in town really enjoyed her bosom. They made great pillows. My

Kant is precious.

My Kant is beautiful.

And my Kant deserves...

She had one of the nicest cons that we've ever seen in this town. Look, I

we can all agree we all love Honey's cons.

But just because she was special to you, let me handle it the way I've handled

all of the crimes in this town. With poetry?

Incompetently?

Mr. Shang, I recall once when your baby doll collection was stolen.

Yes. And somebody used the evidence at the scene to track them down and find

where they were.

He's right. They were in my basement.

Who was the one who found patient zero who was spreading all the crabs to the

town? I said I was sorry.

Now, I say everybody just calm it down.

Don't worry. My knowledge of the law is such that I reckon that Deacon Jim will

be spending many a year breaking rocks at Leavenworth.

Leavenworth? He's not going to hang? When you accidentally shoot a whore, you

ten years in Leavenworth.

Pearl's going to kill me.

If I could just have the honeymoon money, you can have the horse and

bullets and boots.

Henry, are you all right? Henry. Oh, good, Henry. Good, great.

No, I don't like hands upon my bare flesh. Henry, Henry. Oh, oh.

Got

a

plan to get Deacon.

I got this white powder from the Cherokee. I'm sprinkling it on their

They're going to eat the food. They're going to fall asleep, and we're going to

grab the deacon and bring him to justice.

Ladies, I have bad news, okay? What's the matter, Wanda? I was in the outhouse

doing my business. Oh, I don't want to hear about this, Wanda. Number one, not

number two. Okay, proceed. Okay, and I come out, and who do I see on horse and

buggy? Hoyle. He's got deacon Jim with him. We got no time for any elaborate

plans. We got to go. We got to cut dirt right now. Wait, is Eli there?

No, no, I didn't see him there. All right, look.

You go find Eli.

Wanda and I are going to gather up at townspeople. We'll cut off oil and we'll

all meet back at the hanging tree. Let's move. You get me my money. Oh, you're

going on your honeymoon.

I need this trip.

Cut him off in a shake.

I'm moving.

I'm going.

Hold on to oil.

Yo. Why, where you are?

What do you think you're doing, Great Bendian?

We're taking Dick and Jim, Wanda.

You're pointing firearms at an officer of the law. You're not going to take him

out of town without letting me get a crack at him. No.

I'm not going to let a mob decide his fate if that's what you think. It's not

mob. We're a group. It's not. It doesn't. And you need more people to

mob. This is a mob. I'm telling you. This is a mob. It's a small group. It's

incommensurate gathering of people.

Wanda, that is a loaded gun. Do not waver. I've been holding the gun since I

could. Make words with my mouth. Wanda, I am warning you. You be careful with

that firearm, or I will knock it out of your hand.

Yeah, you're going to knock this out of my hand? Yes, I will. I'm going to knock

your brains out of your... Oh,

nice.

It's laundry day.

I have some good news.

Hey, Pearl.

Honey's going to get our money back.

And if we leave right after the deacon gets home, we'll make the 4 o 'clock

train. Actually. Okay.

You even make one motion to shoot me, Hoyle.

I'm giving you the silent treatment for life. I'm not going to let you read your

poems to me.

None of them? Nope. Put it down if you want to share some feelings with me.

You're right. I'm going to give you the deacon. Yeah, give me that deacon. This

is what mob rule does. Here's your deacon.

Whoa!

Oh, it does my heart good to see a young couple in the bonds of matrimonial

foreplay. What is he doing here? Yeah, well, so Hoyle's carrying out La

Gillette, but I am supposed to take him to Dodge City.

Why do you do everything that Hoyle says?

No, no, but that's the thing, is that I was going to do a thing that Hoyle

didn't say also, which is I was going to steal back the money before turning him

in to the authorities.

You were going to steal him? Yeah, I was going to steal it. Well, it's our money

at first.

Came up with it all on his own, he did.

Well, I'm so proud of you.

Yeah? Yeah, I'm so proud of you.

I'm proud of me a little, too. Except I have a different plan.

Oh? The chicken farmer!

That's right. I guess you're not going to get your deacon, honey. Maybe so,

loyal.

Get in.

Come on, again?

I don't want you to get fired.

I just married you. What if I have to support both of us?

Well, come on, again?

Well, I guess I don't have this cell by myself anymore.

No, you're getting out.

Oh.

That changes the equation.

It's for your own good, okay?

How is this for my own good? By the time I hang in, we can still catch the 4 o

'clock train.

I can't wait to get my new hat.

Okay, you come with me. Now, I don't think this is a good way to start a

marriage. And I'm out of trust that should be involved.

Thanks. Pearl!

Pearl, I still have the keys!

Oh, yeah, I suppose I could just go out.

Good job you got us this time.

We may have to delay that trip to Dodge City. Something is up.

We're going back to town.

Let's get this party started.

Dick and Jim, you have any last words before we string you up? Yes, I do.

I have no regrets. I have had a good run. I have met and spoken to and

many interesting people.

He doesn't look good.

And yea, though I walk in the valley of the darkness.

His pupils are pulsating.

I fear not for the Lord is my path.

Sum it up. And rod.

Anybody have a...

Cup of water.

He's getting a case of the chicken.

Are we, uh, wrapped up?

I think so.

Let her rip.

What is this on your neck?

Oh, uh, I've been bitten by one Henry... Jolette.

Uh -oh. I just have one final request.

One more? I could just have, uh, 20 more seconds. Mm -hmm. For what? 20 more

seconds and I can have a... Time of the...

That'll do it.

Oh, God.

He's dead.

Looks like he contracted the rabies from Joalette.

Yeah, and it probably didn't help that you unloaded your pistol into his chest.

You know what? I hope you're happy.

You know, I asked you to let due process take place, but no, you had to rush,

and now look.

If it wasn't for myself and my deputy, You all be foaming at the mouth right

now, having sex and looking for a glass of water to drink. Is that what you

want? Didn't think it through.

We have rules.

All of the men here are dressed in 19 layers of clothing for a reason.

It's a rule.

Women don't vote for a reason because it's a rule.

You want to go back to the days when the cells just ran wild?

You know, anarchy, you don't like somebody, you chop their head off. No,

began to form when the Romans came in. Yes, they had sex with young boys, but

they also paved straight roads.

Without straight roads, we don't get our eggs or our chicken or our apples.

Is that what you want?

I've never seen you this fired up. Well, I'm disappointed.

Oh. I am. Please don't say that. You know that's a trigger word for me.

Of all people.

You want to come over and have a little potluck at my place? I'm going to cook

up some badger. No, I don't want badger. I shan't be eating badger today.

Enjoy your chaos, anarchist.

Enjoy it.

Oh, Hoyle, come on. What a baby.

Hoyle, wait, wait, wait. Let me talk to you for a second.

I don't want you to be upset.

What do you think they're saying?

Hoyle. I hear when you talk about useless information.

I don't want to talk to you. I want to be all by myself where I can deal with

thoughts. Your hands are so dainty.

I wish you knew how to pleasure me.

I should take care of this body.

When's lunch?

When's lunch?

Can you help me lift this in the wagon? No, I'm bored.

Okay.