Original subtitles

Okay, so they beat us, but it's really bad form to hit every shot to the weaker

player. And by weaker player, I assume you mean... Well, there were only two of

us out there, darling.

Oh, God, look at the time. I've got to shower before I go to the hospital. You

mind if I jump in front of you?

Why would I mind? You've been doing it all morning.

Thank you.

Except to run down the hall and get my laundry.

Did you talk to the super about that old lady's dog?

Did you hear me?

That old lady.

Oh, God.

Sorry. So sorry.

God, the damn dog again.

Oh, by the way, Mom's in the shower.

Thanks for the heads up.

Don't tell me you saw.

And still seeing her.

Therapist to me, but it's usually a sign of something when you sneak a peek at

mommy.

And what might this be a sign of?

Where'd those come from?

You tell me.

I know what you're thinking, but I haven't had a girl over.

Actually, I was thinking you like to feel pretty.

Oh, hi.

Hi. Sorry to bother you.

I used the dryer before you, and I think I may have left a thing or two behind.

I found half a thing.

Ben, don't be a bad host. Invite our guest, uh... Allison.

Allison, and Allison, I'm Ben's brother, Dr. Oliver Barnes.

Hi. Oh, wait a minute. Do you work at St. Ambrose Hospital?

Yeah, how'd you know that?

I was temping over at New York Monthly, and I saw your name in the top doctors

of the year issue.

It comes out tomorrow.

Oh, my God! I don't believe this!

Every year, they pick the top doctors in each field.

Oh, thank you. Thanks. When she said top doctors of the year, I was completely

lost.

Well, this is fantastic.

You're sure, right?

Yeah, unless there's another Dr. Barnes that works at St.

Ambrose.

Oh, no.

Actually, there are four of them, and they're all in my family.

Oh, God.

I feel really bad.

This is like the most awkward moment ever.

Oliver? What?

It never happened.

We've had worse.

You're here pretty early. Yep, same reason you are. I'm waiting for the

to come in.

As a matter of fact, I'm coming off a night shift. Like I care about some dumb

list and some dumb magazine. Oh, God!

No.

Jack Arbogast. What is he doing back here? I can't stand that guy.

Weren't you guys friends when Ollie and I were little?

Friends? Yeah.

But I never liked him.

He is smug, arrogant, help -centered.

Sure. Oh, Jack Arbogast, as I live and breathe.

30 years, you don't look a day older.

Great, now I have to lie to you, too.

I just started back at St. Ambrose.

Fantastic.

You remember Regina?

Little Regina?

You must drive the boys crazy.

In my way.

And a doctor, too. Stuart, you must be so proud. I am. We'll have lunch next

week. My treat.

Wow, Dad, you're right. What an ass.

The man is a backstabber, all right? You know what? I don't want to even talk

about it.

Okay. 30 years ago, there was this great job in Boston.

You know, we were friends. He knew I wanted it. He swooped in and grabbed it.

How'd he do that?

He also applied for it.

Oh, my God.

You guys are so sure you're going to make that list, you're staking out the

newsstand? Talk about cocky.

Uh, you're here, too.

Yeah, because it's going to be me.

Um, they have coffee at the hospital. I don't understand why we have to... Oh,

God. The magazine?

Do you really all care so much about making some dumb list?

Spoken like someone who has no chance of making it.

You know what? Whoever does win this, this is an award for the whole family.

God, I want this.

You. Oh, please. It's going to be either me or Mom.

Or Dad.

You? Why?

Because you sewed the Deputy Mayor's pinky toe back on?

Hooray! You can wear sandals!

No, it's going to be me or Mom.

Or Dad.

Let's not figure it's cheap and divisive. I mean, whoever wins, we're

celebrate and support her. Her?

Oh, live in the world, Stuart.

Okay, here you go. Before we open it up, let's not let this arbitrary award

eclipse what is truly our great achievement. I mean, how often does

of one family become a successful doctor?

Uh, Mom?

You see my point? It's exceedingly rare.

Okay. Now, whatever happens, we're going to be sports about this. You can say a

lot of things about the Barnes family, but we are not gloaters. Oh, God, Dad,

you won. I did! I won! It's me!

I did it! Hello!

Hey, here's the man of the hour.

Oh, please. You know, at St. Ambrose, we are all a team, of which I happen to be

captain.

Hey, guys, you ready for lunch?

Oh, Dad's here. You think you want to come with us? Only if we carry him out

our shoulders.

Ooh -hoo, the high -achieving doctors didn't get their little award.

Can't you just give Dad his moment to shine?

If he were shining any brighter, I'd need a welder's mask.

Bad enough we had that damn dog upstairs keeping us up all night again. Speaking

of, I talked to the super and got that lady's number.

Now, I think we should call her and politely ask... Give me that.

This machine.

Hello! You probably didn't hear the phone ringing because of your little

doggie's incessant barking.

I got a newsflash for you. Other people live in the building, too, and we're

tired of your yippy -yappy dog yippy -yapping all night.

So shut that dog up, and you know what I'm going to do?

Good. Let her imagine the worst. No, the machine cut me off.

Wow, classic displacement. You're mad at Dad, so you take it out on an old lady.

Maybe I should take it out on the waistband of your underwear.

More displacement.

If I do it right, it will be.

Stuart, before you kiss another baby, I need to talk to you. And I need to talk

to you.

Crystal decided to throw me a little celebration this Saturday. Probably very

casual. I don't even know what she's planning. Stuart, the baker called you

back. He said if you want all those words on one cake, he's not going to

room for your picture.

Could we talk about this at home?

Okay, but if you don't decide soon, the man's not going to have time to carve

your likeness into the ice sculpture.

Oh, my.

Well, Stuart, about that party on Saturday night.

Actually, I have a date. No problem. Bring him.

No, no, that's what I want to talk about. Hold that thought. Jack. Stuart.

Stuart, congratulations.

I just heard the news. Thank you very much. Now, listen, we're having a

celebration Saturday night. I'd love for you to make it. Well, um, actually...

Stuart.

Jack, it's my date.

Oh. Lydia and I ran into each other yesterday afternoon and wound up having

dinner together. You didn't tell me you two were divorced. I guess I forgot to

mention it.

I didn't.

Maybe Jack and I could come to the party together.

If that's okay with you. Okay.

That's terrific.

We'll see you then. I'll see you on Saturday.

I was just going to grab a bite if you... Oh, I'd love to.

Hillary, I booked the bartender. Is there anything else you want for your

How about an assassin?

Where have you been?

We're going to be late for Dad's party. Actually, I was talking to Allison,

little underwear girl, working my magic.

Oh, you made her disappear?

Yeah, I made her disappear from her apartment up to Dad's, where she will be

date to his party tonight. Oh, fun. First we get to watch Dad gloat about an

award we didn't win. Then we get to watch Corky here go out on a date.

Now, come on. Don't tell me you two couldn't find anyone to... Oh, man.

Don't wait for you.

Don't mind me.

Just came for the champagne I got chilling in your refrigerator.

I'll get it, Dad. Oh, so that's your champagne.

I thought you guys bought it to celebrate winning your big... Oh, right.

Smug little twerp. We've got to find a way to knock that smirk off his face.

So, uh, Dad, we're looking forward to your party tonight. Oh, yeah, so was I,

till your mother decided to bring that Arbogast.

He took that job away from you 30 years ago.

Son? The man is a backstabber.

Thank you.

Dad, is this Arbogast again? What's with you two?

You know what?

I'd rather not talk about it, okay?

See you at the party.

What is going on?

He has been acting crazy ever since Mom started dating this guy.

Weird, right?

Follow me.

Yeah, what's up with that?

Damned if I know. Whoa, look at the time. We should get to that party. Wait.

You guys know something?

Maybe we should tell them. No. I think we should.

What? What? Tell me what.

One Christmas when we were little, there was this thing between Mom and Jack.

The thing? Yeah.

Thing?

You don't mean... Yeah.

Dad found out. It was ugly, and then Jack moved out of town.

He was gone.

Oh, my God.

Is this what Dad meant by backstabber? Yes.

When did this happen? Oh, years ago. I think it was the Christmas right before

we moved into the new apartment.

Yep. Yeah.

Well, I wasn't even born yet. No, you were born in September, so this would

been nine months before you... Hey, you know what? Let's go to

that party.

Yep. Party time!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come on. You guys... don't actually think that... Oh.

Okay.

I see what's going on here.

And it's not gonna work.

I don't know how you guys would even remember that. You were like three and

five. Geez, Mom and Dad argued about it for years. Not in front of me.

Well, yeah, because... We should get to that party. Let's go.

Okay. Nice try.

Not gonna work.

It's already working.

And then that precious little girl woke up and said, Thanks, Dr. A. My tummy

doesn't hurt anymore.

At least, that's what the translator said she said.

Those were my early days in the Peace Corps. I was still learning Swahili.

What a lovely story.

You know, people said to me that I saved that child.

But I think it was the other way around.

Dr. A, I guess we all know what A stands for.

Hi, kids.

these people? Well, I just wanted to share my good news with some of my best

friends in the building.

Who's that?

I want to say Elizabeth.

She always stops me in the lobby to play with Monty.

Dog lover, huh?

Too easy.

All right, Monty. You know the drill.

Hey, Ben.

Oh, great. You made it. Hi.

Ben. Ben. Jack. I want you to meet my younger son, Ben, and his friend,

Hi, Ben. I've heard a lot about you. I've heard a lot about you.

Regina, Jack and I were just talking about that cabin our two families used

rent every Christmas.

Yeah, on the lake. Yeah. You wouldn't remember this, Ben. No, you were just a

gleam in your father's eye.

Oh, no.

You have to try one of these. These are absolutely delicious. No, not for me.

I'm allergic to scallops.

Really?

Me too.

Hang in there.

I have a little confession.

wanted to meet you, so I put my things in your dryer.

I know, I know. I'm such a loser, huh?

Yeah, totally.

Let's get you a drink.

Did you ever imagine, all those years ago, that one day you and I would be

dating? Certainly not in my ex -husband's apartment.

The good news is, I just got a message from Dr. Schiff. Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

He's going to be covering for me tomorrow morning, so we can make this as

at night as we want. Well, that is good news.

You told me you were going to have to take me home early.

That offer still stands.

You know, I always follow doctor's orders.

I'll hold you to that later on.

Looks like things are going pretty well there, Mom.

If I'm not mistaken, this is your third date, isn't it?

Don't be vulgar, darling.

And how do I look?

You look fine.

Oh, my God.

What? You're nervous.

How adorable.

Stop that.

Stop that.

Of course I'm nervous.

I could wind up in bed with this man tonight.

You know how long it's been since that happened?

Anyway, we broke up last summer. I always felt like he was ignoring me.

That's great.

Well, it's great to see a man who loves dogs.

My grandmother downstairs got the nastiest phone message from some jerk

her dog's barking.

Oh. I'll never forget that voice.

Bloody rude.

The nerve of some blokes, right?

I'm Elizabeth.

Oh, like our queen.

Oh, honey, where have you been? I told you, I have a cold.

And this dress you bought me isn't helping.

Why did you make me wear it on such a chilly night?

No reason.

Jack!

I'd like to introduce you to a very special lady friend of mine. Crystal,

is Jack. Jack Crystal.

Hello. Don't shake my hand. I don't feel well.

Well, you look radiant.

That would be the fever.

She has a cold.

Ah, careful. What a derision history holds for the man who belittled the cold

colds. Ogden Nash.

Oh, I love poetry.

There is no better cure for the common cold than a nice hot cup of tea.

Earl Grey.

So, Crystal, you must be pretty proud of your guy here. Are you kidding? She

planned this party top to bottom.

Hey, where'd that piano come from? Hey, let's get a cup of tea.

Hey, Ollie.

Hello, Crystal.

Oh!

Would you like to come down to my flat? At least we can talk there without

people making fun of my accent.

Sure.

Nice seeing you again, Monty. Yes.

He's a love.

I got it from here. Beat it.

Oh, sure.

That was the pianist. His car broke down. He can't make it.

Oh, that's too bad.

A little music would have been nice.

Oh, maybe I could do something about that.

What other talents don't we know about?

Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars.

All righty then.

There you are, love.

Cheers.

Oliver, do you want to grab that?

Do you want to be more specific?

leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

I don't believe it.

Some crazy bloke broke into my flat and recorded... Oh, I don't buy it either.

That

was

wonderful. Wonderful and plenty.

You don't want the neighbors complaining.

Stuart, what is the matter with you? Jack is your guest and you're being so

to him. Oh, I'm being rude? The man betrayed me, Lydia.

We love you very much.

Man, Jack's a really good piano player.

Yeah? Well, why don't you marry him?

Come on, Dad. Okay, so your old rival's dating Mom. Big deal.

You got Crystal.

Okay, here's the truth.

I know I'm being petty.

But I just always feel like I'm in that man's shadow. Like he always has to one

-up me.

You know, there was a time when... What? Nothing, nothing. Forget it. What,

what, what?

There are times when I have actually thought that if your mom had met us both

the same time, both single, she would have chosen him, hands down.

I was just lucky that I met her three months earlier.

And got her pregnant.

And this is you helping?

Dad, when have you ever known Mom not to go for exactly what she wants?

Trust me.

She got the one she wanted.

Thanks.

Now, we all get jealous sometimes.

But not all of us have three loving children.

A gorgeous girlfriend and a Doctor of the Year award.

Yeah.

What do I care about him for?

Is there any chance that you could put all that together in a toast later? Oh,

go.

Cheerio, governor!

Game's over, Crystal.

So, how's our baby brother doing?

Well, it's been fun to watch, but...

I think we should probably tell him the truth before he totally blows it with

his little hottie over there.

Would you like the honors?

Really? Thank you.

So then she goes, Allison, you're going to hate it in New York.

Can you believe that?

Excuse me, son.

So then what did Allison say?

I'm Allison.

enjoyed seeing my underwear the other day because you're not going to see them

again. What?

Wait.

You know what?

If it was your idea, I think you should get to tell him.

Okay.

So what do you say?

Back to your place?

You sure you don't want to sing another song?

Stuart locked the piano.

You know, I'll be right with you. I just want to say goodnight.

Hey, Mom.

Hi, Ollie.

You okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Don't I seem okay?

You seem a little jumpy.

Can't be first date jitters. This is like your third date.

Oh.

What is that? Is this some kind of law now?

That's why you're nervous?

That's adorable.

Oh, will you stop saying that? You know, I'm not like you children, leaping in

and out of beds left and right.

It's been a while for me.

Okay, I get it. I mean, do you know how long it's been since a man has seen me

without my clothes on?

Present company accepted.

Oh, the shower thing. I had actually forgotten about that. Oh, no, Holly,

please. You screamed louder than I did.

I just don't know what he's expecting.

I measure up.

For what it's worth, you know, as a plastic surgeon, I do see a lot of

bodies. Oh, Oliver, please, please, don't even go there. That's kind of

But if you were determined to go there... Well, I would say that when

I first walked in, I thought Ben had a girl over.

Really?

I'm not just saying this because I've never wanted a conversation to end more.

But, yes, you've got nothing to worry about.

Whenever you're ready.

I think I'm ready now.

I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about this conversation.

Just who do you imagine I'd tell?