Original subtitles

Hey, man. Hey, guys.

So, how was squash?

I'll let Regina tell you. Well... I won.

Okay, big damn deal. You beat me. No, I didn't just beat you. I put a leash on

you, walked you around the park, and made you do little tricks.

So, how'd you like all these new sports clubs? Yeah, it was all right. All

right.

It's amazing.

Full -service spa, surf simulator, driving range.

I have to admit, it was kind of cool seeing Uma Thurman weighing herself in

locker room. What's she weigh?

Yeah, like I was looking at the numbers.

Hey, kids.

Hey,

Dad. I just beat Regina in squash.

I know. I got your email.

Now, I've got some good news. You know my housekeeper, Carmen? She's found

another day open. Dad, we really don't need a housekeeper.

No, you don't need a housekeeper because you've got me cleaning everything up.

Yeah, that's what I said.

When did she start?

You know what? I'm going to talk to her. You're not going to regret this.

Fine, but I still don't think we need her.

You know what?

I'm going, too. Ollie, what do I owe you for the guest fee? Oh, forget about it.

By the way, you up for a rematch?

You bet you're about to be kicked ass, I am. But it has to be tomorrow. Going on

vacation Wednesday.

Fine. Bring a lunchbox, because I'll be taking you to school.

Hey, Mom, what's the message asking if one of us wants to meet her for drinks

tonight? Oh, how nice.

You two will have a good time.

What? No, why is it always me?

Because Mom likes you and you rarely have plans.

You know what? Forget it. I'm tired of doing everything around here. The

cooking, the cleaning, taking out the trash.

Baby, is this because I missed our anniversary?

By the way, if you're looking for the garbage chute, I know where it is.

Hey, gorgeous.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

As a matter of fact... Huh, like I haven't heard that line a hundred times.

I'm a bartender, for God's sake.

Anyway, Mom, I'm just leaving with friends and I have to work at Giorgio's,

I'll call you when I get home.

Will you stop apologizing about that? Look, if you had a problem with me

spending that much time with you, then he wasn't right for me anyway.

Love you, too.

Ben, you're off the hook. I'm taking Mom to Giorgio's tonight.

By the way, you're right. I have no idea where this goes.

Oh, isn't this fun?

I'm so glad you were free tonight. Yeah, I was hoping Ben might join us, but I

guess he's got better things to do.

Why'd you pick this place?

Oh, a friend told me about it.

Hi. Hey. What can I get you?

What would you like, Mom?

Oh, this is your mom?

Yeah. Mom slash best friend.

Uh, white wine.

Yeah, two of those. You got it. Okay.

God, I had a terrible afternoon.

I had to go to charity lunch into the Children's Literacy Fund. Do you know

that awful Nancy Plunkett did? She donated a dozen computers to an inner

school. That bitch.

Oh, no, no, no. You don't understand.

There's a vacant seat on the board, and she's trying to buy it.

It's her right as that bookmobile I pledged ran right over.

Who makes the decision?

Board chair, Cynthia Boyd.

Gossiping way that people are just lining up to kiss her behind.

That thing's going to be worn down like the steps of the Parthenon by the time I

get my lips on it.

Sometimes it seems like everybody's got an angle.

I'm going to change my order. I'll be right back.

Floor seat?

That sounds great, but I'm sorry. I made plans to hang with my mom tonight.

Could I get a red wine, please?

Thanks. Hey, no, I told you, my mom comes first.

Okay.

Pretty geeky, huh?

Oh, not at all. I'm really close to my mom, too. Really? Yeah, she's kind of

going through a rough patch.

Her boyfriend just broke up with her. Oh, no.

Damn it.

I'm sorry.

My mom's going through the same thing.

Nasty divorce.

Now my dad's got a young girlfriend and mom has no one.

She has you.

I'm Oliver.

I'm Joanna.

Pleased to meet you.

In case he starts talking about Dad again.

Tell you what, Mom, you'd never know you had a bad day by the way you look. Oh,

you got a little smudge right there.

No, let me do it.

There you go.

Did you get it? Yeah, I think I got it.

Here you go.

And some menus in case you were thinking of dinner.

Why not? Let's make a night of it, Mom.

Well,

my shift just ended, but Manny will be over to take your order.

And by the way, we're out of this order.

Ah. Isn't that always the way? The one that you're dying for, they're out of

Tell me about it.

Ah, Carmen, about these dishes.

Oh, said I put them in the wrong place.

Well, yeah.

But my point is, they're still kind of dirty.

Maybe you thought this was some sort of pattern on the plate, but actually,

that's mustard.

I am very sorry.

Oh, it's no rush. You can take care of it after you vacuum.

Oh, I already vacuum.

Wow, no kidding.

You do know it plugs in, right?

You are funny like your father.

Hey, I'm just dropping off Ollie's suitcase. My vacation's off. The hotel

overbooked. Wow, tough week.

Ollie told me he crushed you with squash again this morning. I don't know what

to say.

It's gotten really good.

Are you tan?

Oh, they might have one of those booze at Ollie's club.

Did you go in it?

I might have.

Wow. They've got a lot of nice stuff at his club.

Wave pool, rock climbing wall.

I guess.

Oh, come on. You've been at that club all day. You're still wearing sweats.

You have been throwing games just so Ollie will keep paying your way in. You

know what? Keep your voice down. He's not here. Okay, yeah. Yeah, I've been

throwing games, and it is not easy. Today, I played him with my contacts out

still almost won. He is so bad.

Oh, my God. This is why you canceled your vacation?

Hey, don't judge.

They have a pedicurist there named Solange. I have the feet of a ten -year

Do you want to feel? No.

Hey, guys. How are you? Good night.

I just came by to pick up Monty. I thought I'd... Our new housekeeper. Oh.

Sounds like she's throwing a Greek wedding in there.

Hey, guys.

Hi. Hey, um, did you smell something funny in the hallway? There's like some

faint whiff of... Oh, there it is.

Loser!

Because I'm going to beat you if it's the last thing I do this week. Bet it

be.

Oh, I'm okay.

Excuse me.

Oh, Mom, I'm glad you're here. I had so much fun last night. I was wondering if

you wanted to go out again.

Oh, I'd love that. You know, I was reading about this new French place.

Actually, I was thinking we could go back to Giorgio's.

Again? I don't know. I guess I just think of it as our place.

Oh, that's so...

Sweet. Oh, you know, I'm throwing a party this Saturday night for the head

the Children's Literacy Fund. I'd love for you to come. Oh, I don't know. Mom,

kids, reading. Not really my thing.

Fine, because I was talking to Oliver.

I'm in. I'm just going to go hop in the shower. Regina, I got us a quart for

nine tomorrow if you're up for another ass whooping. Oh, no.

But okay.

You might want to think about trying a new racket.

Oh, I think the racket she's got is just fine.

Mr. Ben, all done.

Oh, wait, come back.

I know where it goes.

See you next time.

Well, at least she'll be able to find her way back to the kitchen.

Is that Carmen?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Your father's been trying to fob her off on me for months.

What? That's it. I'm gonna have to talk to him later.

Excuse me, I forgot my keys.

Maybe I'll talk to him now.

Thank you so much, Anna. That kitchen floor is so clean. It's like walking on

water. Gotta go.

Who's that?

I'll be honest with you, Ben.

That was a prostitute.

Dad, she had a vacuum.

I'm not proud of what went on in here.

Dad, you hired a new housekeeper?

Right. Anna is everything that Carmen isn't. I just couldn't bring myself to

fire Carmen.

So you pawn her off on me?

Well, I'm not good with confrontation.

I tried to fire her. It was the day that she washed my tuxedo.

I said nothing and gave her my old TV.

Well, I'm not keeping her, so you'd better take her back. And give up Anna?

you nuts?

You should see my floors. You can eat off them. My floors look like somebody

did.

Look, you're going to have to bite the bullet and handle this like a mature

adult.

I'd like you to do it for me.

Okay,

I'll do it.

Right after the holidays. It's April!

Boy, you really like this place.

Yeah, I don't know what it is.

I keep trying to put my finger on it.

And I will.

It's Cynthia Boyd. Oh, the one who's choosing the new board member?

Better get busy, Mom. That ass isn't going to kiss itself.

Oh, no, it's useless.

Turns out she and Nancy Plunkett are bonding like crazy. They're both whore

people. She spent last weekend at Nancy's farm riding and grooming and

you do with whores.

Well, maybe there's something you and Cynthia can bond over.

No, I've tried. We have nothing in common.

Oh, sounds like someone needs a hug.

No, I'm okay. No, you come here.

I'm going to go get our drinks.

Well, hello again.

How's your mom doing?

Well, we're back at the bar.

Does that answer your question?

Yeah. Oh, hi, Cynthia.

Oh, my goodness, I love what you're wearing.

Well, meet my son, Kenneth. He designed it. Yeah, just don't blame me for those

shoes.

Well, we've got tickets to a musical. The choreographer is his new boyfriend.

And thank you for jinxing it.

Well, I'll get us a cab. It's nice meeting you. It's lovely to meet you.

You know, Cynthia, I had no idea we had so much in common. Oh, yes, my daughter

Regina. Oh,

he's so impatient.

Well, we'll talk more at your party. Absolutely.

Regina, it's Mom.

Oliver tells me that somehow you got the impression that I didn't want you at my

party. That's nonsense. I insist you come.

You are such a good son.

Well, she was there when I skinned my knee.

How can I not be there when she skins her heart?

Look, I never do this, but would you like to have dinner sometime?

Uh, I don't know.

She's just so vulnerable right now. Oh, I understand. No, you know what?

It'd be healthy for both of us to have some time away. How's tomorrow night?

Actually, tomorrow's perfect because I work all next week, then I'm out of town

after that. Great! Oh, no, no.

My mom's party is tomorrow night.

Oh, well, then maybe when I get back in July. No, no, no.

Come with me to that party.

I just need to let my mom know that I'll be there for her no matter what.

Then we'll blast out of there and grab some sushi.

she is. Look at this place.

I can't go through with it. I'm not a firer.

Why do you think I still go to that awful dentist Schneiderman? I've been

chewing on the left side of my mouth since the 80s.

Schneiderman? You recommended him to me.

Well, he had a gambling problem. He needed the business.

Oh, Dr.

Stewart. There she is.

Hello, Carmen.

Hello. Carmen, my dad would like to speak with you for a minute.

Okay.

You know how much I care about you, Carmen.

Yes.

And remember when I said that I couldn't afford you? This is so hard. Oh, Dr.

Stewart, I understand.

You know, I don't have much money.

But what I do have is yours.

God bless you, Carmen.

Dad?

Yeah? May I see you in the kitchen? Of course.

We're going in the kitchen.

Okay.

It's a sickness.

I can't have people not like me.

You don't think less of me for that, do you?

No, Dad, I'm the same way. But it's not too late for you. If you fire her, you

can break the pattern and not be like me.

For God's sake, I'll do it.

Carmen?

Carmen?

Carmen?

I'm sorry.

I know.

It's time to turn it off.

No, no, that's okay, Carmen.

Listen, we need to talk.

When I was a kid, I had a paper route, but I wasn't very good at it. My

husband has a paper route.

He could teach you.

Sometimes we stay in jobs longer than we should.

You know what a crutch is.

Oh, yes.

My boy Hector has had them his whole life.

Oh, enough of our yakking. We'll see you on Wednesday.

Okay. You know, because I have to catch my buses.

Do you have trouble with your eyesight, Carmen?

I don't think so.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Okay. Go.

She can't see. She can't see.

She blinded the bat. This is fantastic.

Carmen, you need glasses.

I do. And we're going to take care of this. You know, I have been going to an

optometrist for years.

Bad Furman. All right. We'll use your guy.

I remember going with... Kenneth, to the gay rights march on Washington. Did you

and your daughter go?

Please, what march haven't we been on? If there's a rainbow flag and a traffic

cone, we're there.

Oh, excuse me, that must be her now.

Oh, it's you.

Is something wrong? Oh, no, no, no, I'm sorry. I was just expecting someone to

help. Oh, when are you going to realize Dad's not coming back?

Let's get you a drink.

Oliver told me what you're going through, and, well, you're an

Well, I love kids, and I love reading.

She's so medicated, she doesn't even know what she's saying.

I have to go to the powder room.

Oh, darling, I thought you weren't coming.

Oh, Mom, I need a little dressing. Okay.

Oh, no, no, no. You're perfect. You've got a little something in your lipstick.

Mom, it's just lipstick.

Oh, okay.

Sorry, sorry. I thought you had a popsicle.

Now, if you'd stay right there, there's something I want you to meet.

Wow. Mom never wants to introduce me to her friends.

That's weird.

But sweet.

No, no, no. This email from my club. It's about my bill. That can't be right.

Well, those club dudes are pretty steep, huh? Oh, they're the tip of the

iceberg. They charge extra for everything.

They do? Yeah.

Yeah, you use a steam bath or a tanning bed. The machine reads your membership,

Bryce. Let me talk you for it.

Wait a minute.

I never had an eyebrow wax.

Well, you could use one. Maybe it's a hint.

Regina, this is Cynthia Boyd, head of the Children's Literacy Fund.

Oh, your daughter. How do you do? Yes, daughter slash best friend.

Your mother has said so much about you. It's really a pleasure.

I'm so sorry. I must say a quick hello. I'll be right back. Certainly.

Something going on here, buddy?

No.

Just wanted you to know how proud I am of you and everyone to know I love you

the way you are.

White wine, madam?

No, she'll have a beer. No glass.

Yes, I'm quite sure these charges aren't mine. What the hell would I need with a

Nike goddess tracksuit?

I'll call you right back.

Ollie, Ollie, look, I'm sorry. I didn't know they charged extra for all that

stuff. Okay, yeah, I was pushing it with the tracksuit.

So you were letting me win, so I keep asking you back?

What? No, you're a really good man.

Liar! All right, but if it makes you feel any better on Thursday, you beat me

fair and square.

Sure, I did have two Mai Tais in the sauna, but... And there they are.

Dr. Barnes, I think you are so brave. My mom's going through the same thing you

are. What?

The sleepless nights, the crying in bed, the pills. What kind of person uses

another... A pill? Gotta go.

Shame on you. I thought you wanted to spend time with me, and you were just

trying to bed this girl.

You're not really depressed?

I have never been so happy in all my life.

I'm out of here. Joanna. You are disgusting.

Hey, our first fight. Okay, I'll call you later.

Who's the user now, Ollie?

That doesn't even compare to using me for my club.

You made me think I was good at squash.

I got 500 bucks on a game tomorrow with the club pro and she's got calves like

an elephant.

Oh, isn't this a proud moment?

To find out that I have raised two children who would think nothing of

exploiting another family member for their own personal gain. Dr. Barnes!

Just came by to pick up my mom. Hi, Kenneth.

Oh, this must be the famous Regina.

I'm Kenneth Boyd. Love the whole Billie Jean King thing.

So, uh, you're Cynthia's son?

Yes. Mom tells me the four of us are going to be marching together in June.

Kenneth. Kenneth, why don't you just march over to your mother right now?

Well, I guess we know why you wanted me here so badly, so you and Cynthia could

bond over your gay children.

Kenneth, gay? Oh, come on.

Please. And you're lecturing us about using family?

Here's your beer.

Can I get you anything else?

Yeah, how about your number?

Oh, gee. What?

Chuck and I broke up like two weeks ago.

Come on, sexy. Let me show you the pantry.

I thought you said your daughter was gay.

Oh, she is. She's just trying to make her girlfriend jealous.

Chuck.

Well, Candace, I think I'm ready. Thanks so much for the party, Lydia.

No, no, Cynthia, please. Please don't go. If it helps, I think this one

experimented with homosexuality in college.

Hello. Keep moving, my man.

Oh, Regina, I was on my way to bring you these. I am so sorry for the callous

way I treated you the other night.

Thanks, Mom.

Apology accepted.

Can I have copies, please?

Oh!

Did you steal those off a comatose patient?

Uh, no. As a matter of fact, Mr. Sinek, I bought them for you.

I felt bad about the whole squash thing, but if you're too mad to even accept

them... No, no, no. I'm sorry. That's a very nice gesture.

Thanks, Regina.

I gotta go. Bye.

Coffee to go, please.

Excuse me. I ordered soup with this.

Mom.

Hey.

I felt so bad about the way I treated you the other day.

I just thought that these might... You gave these to Regina, didn't you?