Original subtitles

Hey. Here, take.

Oh, cookies. Thanks. Yeah, I'm way too lonely to keep those in my apartment. I

learned that last Christmas when I spent a week watching Xena reruns in a fudge

coma.

Well, you're lucky you had to work Christmas. We had to choke down two huge

dinners. First mom, then a dad, where the meal was prepared by Crystal.

Apparently got every recipe off a marshmallow bag.

Well, at least you missed the hospital party for the entertainment with dad and

his all -doctor singing group. Ah, the med tones.

Yeah.

Forty minutes of barbershop and doo -wop. Trust me, in the jungle, the

jungle, the lion wasn't the only one sleeping.

Well? At least we still have New Year's Eve. You guys got any plans?

What, are you kidding?

Tons of offers. Yeah, we're just weighing our options.

So you got nothing, do you? Not a thing.

Boy, you two are really in a dry spell, aren't you? What about you?

Yeah, you go on a lot of dates, but I haven't seen much traffic at that

breakfast table. Hey, I may not bring them home, but trust me, I've got hot

cold running ladies.

Yeah. First they're hot, then they're cold, then they're running.

All right, let's face it. I think Roland kind of is plump here.

You know what?

Instead of complaining, let's do something about it. Why don't we throw a

big, totally wild New Year's party? That is a great idea. Yeah, get plenty of

booze, a bunch of horny, single people like us. If we can't score, then we are

totally pathetic.

I'm going to get my address book.

Hey, Mommy, darling.

I was on my way to work, and I thought I'd bring you guys some leftover plum

pudding. Oh, thanks. Oh, my God, that's heavy.

Where did you put it in?

Saran wrap.

You better start making some phone calls. This party is an only fun... Mom!

Oh, you all throwing a party?

Can't wait.

Ooh, Ollie, I haven't seen that look on your face since you opened the foot

bath.

Mom, it's just that... We're not really sure this will be your kind of crowd. I

mean, you're, like, witty and... Cultured. We're going more for... Hot

stupid.

But you can come if you want. Oh, no, no. The last thing I want to do is spend

an evening sitting here feeling old and dateless while the three darling babes I

suckled at my bosom try to drum up an orgy.

Trust me, your stodgy old mom is not going to ruin your New Year's party.

A party?

You're having a party?

Maybe I spoke too soon. I literally did. You know, this is great because Crystal

and I were wondering what to do that night.

Dad? It's going to be kind of a young crowd. Gotcha. No tie.

Remind me?

Well, we can't stay. We just came by to drop off some... Leftovers.

Marshmallow yams and turkey with my special fluffer stuffing.

Hey, you guys missed a great concert last night. The Medtones were on fire.

Yeah, we're sorry we missed that. Oh, we heard it made the whole party.

The party's dead.

We're going for kind of a particular feel on this one.

I'm not really sure how to ask you this. Oh, you don't have to ask. The Medtones

would love to perform.

And I'll tell you what, you're going to love us because we're rehearsing a whole

new hip sound.

They should. Two of them have new hips.

Oh, I'm so glad I found you, Lydia.

Stuart. I am so sorry we won't be able to sing at your party tonight.

Oh, shoot!

Yeah? We got a last -minute gig at a nursing home in Massapequa.

Wow, that's a bummer. Yeah, I tried to say no, but then they offered to write

a big check to my favorite medical charity.

You know me, I can't let down the friends of the duodenum.

So tell me, how much does it cost to bribe a nursing home these days?

500 bucks.

Best money you ever spent.

Happy New Year, darling.

Thank you, Dr. Barnes.

Got trouble with you for a moment, sir?

No trouble at all, ma 'am.

Oh, I am sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I heard the nurse call you doctor.

And naturally, you just assumed.

My apologies.

Though if I ever were on an operating table, I'd much rather yours be the face

was looking up at.

Until you saw that rib spreader coming at you.

So you know where I might be able to get a cup of coffee?

Yes, actually, I do. Right across the street, there's a nice little diner. Oh,

thank you.

I'm in town visiting my daughter. She works here.

I'm Gavin. Oh, Lydia.

My ex -wife had a cousin, Lydia. Really?

No, but it gave me a chance to say ex -wife.

Oh.

Why, you are very forward. Not at all like my ex -husband.

Huh?

I didn't suppose you'd care to join me for coffee. Well, if you give me about

five minutes to get spruced up.

No rush.

I'm free all night.

Oh. In that case, make it 15.

You have a happy new year, Dr. Barnes.

I just might.

Hey, Arthur. Hey, Glenn. Hey.

You let him invite those kids? Yeah, first rule for scoring at your own

Give the women no alternatives.

Hey, Arthur.

Hey, Ollie. Since it's New Year's, I thought I'd go for a formal look.

Perfect.

Don't worry.

I invited enough cool guys to balance it out.

Oh, wow. You're not worried about the competition?

I offer you a glass of champagne.

Oh. Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

I'm Jennifer.

Hi, I'm Ben. So, any resolutions?

Oh, no. I just figured I'd wait and see what I regret in the morning.

Stay right here.

Hi.

I'm sorry. Was I staring?

It's a habit of mine.

I'm a cosmetic surgeon, and whenever I see a new face, I try to decide what I

to improve it.

With you, I got nothing.

If you'd have waited until I finished this, I might have bought that.

I love it that you're on to me.

Hey, Jennifer.

Holly, I keep thinking I've seen you before. Are you an actress?

Yeah, yeah, I was in an American Express commercial.

I love that commercial. You lost your traveler's checks.

I felt so bad for you.

Ollie? Door.

You should get that. It's your turn. It's open!

Ollie? Kitchen?

What are you doing? I saw her first. Then I'm doing you a favor, because

way out of your league.

You know what? Just pick someone else.

I'll even help you get her. Help me? Yeah, yeah. I'll flirt with her and heat

her up and then hand her off to you.

Heat her up?

What do you think you are? Some kind of sexual microwave?

I just met the hottest woman, slinky little black dress. She's taken.

But if you find someone else you like, all you'll pop her is sex toaster for

you.

Sorry, I kind of like Jennifer. Well, she doesn't play for your team. I heard

she just broke up with a boyfriend.

Yeah, Frank. She also said that before Frank, she spent six months with

She's a... Yeah, a Jennifer convertible.

None of this changes the fact that I saw her first. Hey, she's free, she's hot,

and her sexual preference is people. Yeah.

Wait a minute. What are we doing? We threw this party so that we could all

over our slums.

That's a good point, Ben. But while you ladies debate it, I have a little black

dress to get into.

What would really be cool would be the prequel to the prequel, where you learn

how the whole Federation actually got formed.

Arthur.

It's Graham.

So, uh, Jen, can I get you another drink?

Can I have tequila?

Oh, I don't think so. You know what? It's probably just as well. I don't know

what it is about me and tequila, but as soon as I get a few shots in me, I turn

into a wild woman.

I'll be right back.

Take your time.

Hey, where's your wife, Ollie? At home resting?

Wouldn't that be funny if her water broke tonight and you had a New Year's

I have no wife. She's just off her meds. Yeah, maybe you should follow her. Make

sure she doesn't run off again.

I should get that. Okay, that's a cramp. Damn. Wow.

Would you mind?

Oh, thank you.

You throw a great party.

No trick to it. Just good food, good wine, and cool, sexy people doing cool,

sexy things.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

I'll be right back.

Hey, guys, what happened to the nursing home gig? Oh, we only had to sing till

bedtime. We were out of there by 8 .30.

Okay, now, here's the good news. We're all warmed up.

Shaboom. Oh, no.

You know what? Let's wait till everyone's here. Yeah, relax.

Have a drink. Absolutely. All right, gentlemen, there are a lot of nice

here. Do not disgrace the blazer.

All right, guys.

Bedtone's in the house.

This is a disaster.

I was so careful to balance the geek to cool ratio. Now we've got old guys.

This had better be more homosexual.

Mom. Happy New Year, boys.

Beth, Ollie, this is Gavin.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. We met at the hospital. Yeah, my daughter works there. So can I

buy you a drink, Lydia? Absolutely.

I'll help you stuff right over there. Thank you, gentlemen.

Isn't he great?

All those years I watched you boys playing with soldiers.

Now I finally get it.

Mom, from the look he just gave you, I'd say he's only got one thing on his

mind. Oh, good. Then we're on the same page.

Mom. You just met the guy. I see. It's okay for you two to ring in the new year

by assembling your own personal harem. Hey, Mrs. B.

Complete with eunuchs.

But, God... forbid that mom should have a good time. Well, you can cluck all you

want, but come midnight, I'm having some Gavin.

Okay. Two parents, a barbershop quartet, now a nine -foot marine.

Tell me when the mime gets here.

Oh, the oven.

Okay. You get the food out.

I'll shoo the medtones away from the women. Right.

Would you like to see the rest of the apartment?

Sure.

Lydia.

And you are? Oh, this is Gavin. This is my ex -husband, Stuart.

Oh, so you're the one who let this lady go.

I suggest you see a good optometrist. Oh, Stuart,

no date tonight?

Oh, no, no, she's downstairs. She'll be up any minute.

So you're in the service?

Oh, yes. Gavin has years of combat experience.

And I don't?

Hey, where is Jennifer?

She's gone off with Ben.

That weasel!

Crystal, thank God it's you. Why?

For the last hour, this party's had one monkey wrench after another thrown into

it. Hey, Stuart.

Crystal! Crystal?

Daddy. Daddy? Daddy?

Okay.

Daddy, what are you doing here?

Well, Lydia invited me. Is this where you're meeting your date?

Yes. Hello, Lydia.

Dr. Barnes.

Dr. Barnes? Dr.

Barnes is my boss.

It's so strange seeing you away from the office, Dr. Barnes.

So your ex -husband is my daughter's boss?

This is a small world. And getting smaller.

Dr. Barnes, can I have a word with you for a moment?

Sure. About work stuff.

Okay,

what is going on? I'm so sorry. I haven't told my dad about it. Why not?

He was very protective of me. He'd be really upset if he knew I was sleeping

with my boss again.

But our relationship is so much... Again?

And the last time, he thought my boss was taking advantage of me. They fought

about it. Well, actually, Daddy fought.

Mr. Detweiler just curled up and tried to protect his kidney.

Hey, come on, you two. This is a party. Enough shop talk. Yeah, we'll order

those special bandages on Monday.

I still can't believe that you know my little girl here.

Oh, know her. She's practically family.

You know, I want to thank you, Stuart.

Chrissy has told me what a great boss you are.

Welcome change after all of those lowlifes she's been working for. Oh.

Lecherous old goats who think nothing of hitting on their employees.

Aren't they the worst?

I've given them what they deserve.

I'm still paying damages to that Detweiler creep.

Damages? Yeah, we had words and I fractured his pelvis.

You'll want to watch that temper.

No regrets.

I'd do it again.

He would.

Where's his boyfriend you were meeting here?

Boyfriend? Well, I... You're so funny, Ben.

Ben! Ben!

Oh, here he is now.

Come here, Huggy Bear.

Hi, Crystal.

Um, Ben, I... I would like you to meet my dad.

Oh, wow.

Dad, this is my boyfriend, Ben.

What?

Come on, Jen.

They want to be alone.

Your son and my daughter? Why didn't you say something?

I didn't know.

Well, we've been keeping it kind of quiet.

I want to hear all about you, Ben.

Why am I suddenly your boyfriend? Because if you're not, my dad will beat

your dad.

What are you thinking?

Dating Crystal's father?

I didn't know who he was when I met him. Well, now you do, so will you stop it

right away? Oh, now you're telling me who I can date?

Gavin is the first man in ages who made me feel fun and sexy, and I am not going

to dump him just to keep from rocking your little love boat.

You want to date him? Fine. Would you please just get him out of here? You

him out of here?

Here's a tip.

Start singing.

A marriage counselor.

Not the manliest field, but I suppose it does show that you take relationships

seriously. Oh, we do, Daddy.

We're very serious.

So, Ben, you like guns?

Guns? Daddy collects them.

Wow.

Gavin,

Gavin, I don't think these kids want us breathing down their necks all night.

Why don't we go out for that night, Cap?

I'm still getting to know everybody.

So, Stuart, where's your date?

I don't have one.

Well, didn't you just say she was on her way up? I remember that was just before

Crystal came in. Yes, I did. And where is she now? She is, well, she went...

the tequila. To the liquor store.

She went to the liquor store.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Daddy.

She likes to call me Daddy.

Um, can I take your coat? I don't have a coat. Well, let's find you one.

I feel sorry for that girl. He looks old enough to be her father.

Can I get you a drink, darling?

Yes, several.

Why don't Jen and I pour you some tequila?

Sweetheart, this is Gavin, and this is my ex -wife, Lydia.

Ah, so we meet at last.

Picking up with a man, Stuart Sage, I can only imagine what your mother must

thinking.

She's the tough old broad. Oh.

You know, Kevin, I'm just feeling a tiny bit uncomfortable.

I think maybe we should just leave. Fine. If it's okay with the kids. Oh,

mind us.

Powder my nose and I'll be right back.

Honey, why don't I freshen up your drink?

Oh, hey, Ben, I like your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend. Give me two minutes, I'll get rid of her. Oh, who

you to get rid of her?

Huh? She's gorgeous.

I think the three of us could have some.

Hey,

I thought you liked me.

He comes with Crystal. What do you come with?

Wait right here.

Come on, don't be so shy.

Jen, you don't get it. Bring her in here. We'll do a few shots. Trust me,

get it.

What the hell?

Your son was just making out with this...

Benjamin, shame on you. Cheating on Crystal.

Dad, maybe I'll just go.

Honey, I'm going to be right back. I want to make sure that girl's okay.

What's going on in here?

I just saw Ben making out with another woman.

Oh, Ben.

Okay, this has got to stop right now. Oh, stop it.

Has anyone seen Jennifer?

All right, you little punk. Dad, hold it.

Sarge, Ben is not Crystal's boyfriend.

I am. You? Yeah.

It's true, Daddy. And I love him very much.

Let's see how you like me without a pelvis.

Crystal, you're boss again.

This is different, Daddy. It's not like how it was with Mr.

Detweiler. Or Dr.

Gupta. Or Judge Watanabe. Okay, okay, okay.

Sure, it is the best thing. that ever happened to me. And your daughter is the

light of my life.

Gupta, the podiatrist?

So, you've been deceiving me all night.

You know, if there's one thing I can't stop it, it's honesty.

All ready to go. Good night, everyone. Happy New Year. Oh, Ben, I'm so happy

you and Crystal.

They make a wonderful couple. Lydia, stop.

I hate to tell you this, but they've all been lying to us.

What?

Yes, your ex -husband and my daughter have been dating for months.

They have?

And your own son here has been covering for them. Oh, Ben.

Sorry, Mom.

Do it. I feel shocked and betrayed.

I need to go home and lie down.

Gavin, would you take me?

Of course, Lou.

You better treat my little girl well.

Because if you don't... I know the drill. On the floor, cover the kidneys.

Lydia, thank you so much for getting him out of here.

You think I did it for you?

Oh, I just had the worst thought.

If this works out for him and Lydia, and you and me, Lydia would be my mother

-in -law.

I'll get you a drink.

Well, Regina and Jennifer?

Nowhere to be found.

Damn, this party is a complete bust.

Hey, that is quitter talk.

There are other hot women out there. This can still be salvaged.

Long night.

Yep. Hoping a party can really take it out of you.

I may just turn in.

You sure?

It's only half an hour till midnight.

There she is.

Back to brag?

Yeah, well, I guess we learned who the real... Oh, I'm too depressed to lie.

Jennifer took me to a bar, had a few drinks.

Last I saw her, she was leaving with some chick and two guys from Cirque du

Soleil.

So let's review.

Dad's upstairs with Crystal.

Mom's off with her soldier boy.

And then there's us.

Lonely. Unwanted.

Pathetic.

How about some more wine?

Yeah.

Well, more wine's not going to solve our problem.

Great party, guys.