Original subtitles

Ollie's gorgeous out. You should have come running with us. On Valentine's

No, no, no.

I'm saving every ounce of energy for the luscious Lola.

I shouldn't even be talking right now.

Fine with me.

I don't want to hear the details.

We'll be starting with cocktails at the Rainbow Room, dinner at Lucio's, and

then if all goes well, I'll give her a kiss on the cheek at the door and I'll

on my way home.

Well, I'm sick of Valentine's Day.

It's just a bogus holiday created by greeting card companies.

No date, huh?

Oliver, I'm just saying that our corporate culture manipulates people

Listen to me. No wonder I don't have a date.

Thank you.

I'll tell you what. It's the worst day of the year for a couples counselor. If

you are in a relationship, you feel pressure.

If you're not, you feel miserable.

Hey, Ollie. Did you say we were eating at Lucio's? Yep. Well, guess again.

They're closed. There was a mob hit there last night.

What?

They're closing over a little blood?

What are busboys for?

Well, now where am I going to get a table?

I've got to make some calls.

Special delivery!

Who here is excited about Valentine's Day?

Me!

I made cookies.

I put everybody's name on there.

Who's Mr.

Sweetbottom? Uh, that's our UPS guy.

Just take the cookie, Dad.

Ow. You okay there, Dad? Yeah, yeah. You know, I tweaked my back at the gym.

It's my fault. I had no one spotting me. No surprise there. You haven't been

spotted at the gym in years.

Hi, darling. Hey, Mom. Cover your eyes.

Why?

Oh.

I really can't stay very long, Stuart. Oh, here's Monty.

Lydia, there's a cookie here with your name on it. Oh, no. Thank you so much. I

don't think I should have. Mom, it actually has your name on it. Oh, oh,

Well, you know, a girl never forgets the first Valentine she gets from her ex

-husband's lover.

Oh, you know, Stuart, I got a call from La Cucina today confirming our standing

reservation for Valentine's Day. And since my plans this evening involve a

set of medical books and an IV bag filled with Cabernet, I thought that

you'd like to take the table.

Oh, who is J .P. Tushdimple?

Did you have to bring them all down?

Thank you so much.

As for the table, we're going to eat at home tonight. Thank you very much. Let's

take the dog for a walk. Oh, sir, can we stop upstairs and put on his little

Cupid's outfit?

Oh, that's perfect.

I'm so sorry, buddy. It was either you or me.

I have to go get ready for work. But you know who would love to go to La Cucina?

Oliver. Really?

Well, this was perfect.

Valentine's Day and I got nothing.

You know, Ollie, I have a reservation at La Cucina that I was just about to

cancel. Really?

That'd be great.

Oh, are you sure?

Are you kidding? Dinner with a beautiful woman at one of the best restaurants in

town? What could be better?

Well, 8 o 'clock. Oh, fantastic.

Thanks so much, Mom.

This is Dr. Barnes confirming my reservation for this evening at 8 o

Yes. Yes, it's the two of us, me and my wonderful son.

All right, Aaron, what do we got?

Exam two, middle -aged crybaby. Oh, perfect.

Oh, finally, you people are sadists. This room is freezing.

What else?

This isn't Stanley Sweetbottom.

Oh, Regina, I didn't know you were working tonight.

What's going on? Is it your back again? Yeah. Oh, it's killing me. Slow, slow.

Man, your back is really in spasm. How did you do this? And don't tell me it

happened at the gym. Well, what does it matter how I did this?

Well, Dad, whatever activity you were doing, you need to avoid.

That's not exactly an activity that I can avoid, especially on Valentine's

Crystal wanted to start the day on an intimate note, and I got a... Head

ambitious.

Well, I'll get something for the nausea. No, my stomach is fine.

Who's talking about you?

Can we get some x -rays here? Oh, please, no x -rays. Come on.

It's going to take a long time, and Crystal is waiting.

All right, just give me a shot. Numb my back, not an inch lower.

You have a herniated disc. We need to check this out.

Oh, my goodness.

I think my pain is subsiding. I think I'm better now.

Okay, you know what? You know your own body.

Anyway, pick up your keys and you can go.

Hello? Ben, this is your father. I'm trying to reach Crystal.

I think her phone is out of order. Would you run upstairs and just tell her I'm

at the hospital with a patient?

Sure, Dad.

Okay, bye.

Hey, I thought you were going out with Lola.

I am.

Poor thing.

Oh, no? What happened to her?

Are you kidding?

These flowers, the suit?

She doesn't stand a chance.

Hey, Ollie. You joining us tonight?

We're watching the totally unnecessary remake of Planet of the Apes.

First, it'll make you laugh.

Then it'll make you angry.

Oh, no thanks, Ted. I have plans with a woman.

You know those things with the long hair and round parts?

Promise me you'll have this place sprayed in the morning.

I've had enough of this Valentine's Day crap with my patients all day.

I just wanted a nice, quiet night with an old friend.

Finally, the pizza.

Sausage lover's special.

He said it, I didn't.

Dr. Barnes.

Theodore, what a surprise.

Well, it's been his first Valentine's Day since the divorce. I thought I'd

him company.

Oh, that's so nice of you.

Plus, my mom and her boyfriend kind of wanted me out of the house. Yeah.

Oh, hi, Mom. Hi, honey.

I was just running up to Dad's. You look great. What are you doing here?

What didn't Ollie tell you? We're going to La Cucina together.

Really? Yeah.

Ollie!

The date's here!

Oh, I thought I was meeting you.

Gorgeous.

Well, the restaurant's so close, we never did decide, did we?

Regina is two blocks away.

How sweet is this one, you know? He thought that I was down in the dumps, no

plans for this evening, blah, blah, blah.

But then he came to my rescue of all the women he could have called. He'd pick

his mother.

Mom, look at those flowers.

Oh, my goodness, Oliver, they're beautiful. You want me to cry,

don't you?

Don't start her. You'll get me going.

Crystal, it's Ben.

Crystal?

He's on his way. Okay.

Open on your way out. Just be careful with the doorknob.

It's broken.

I think the handle fell out the other side, too.

It won't open. I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

I'm just feeling a little exposed here.

Right. Okay.

I'll get you a towel. Is there a rack in here?

Your father was going to fix it after he fixed the doorknob.

Oh, you know what?

I'll just call down for help.

Hurry, though, because these bubbles aren't going to last forever.

Is there something in here that you can put on?

Call me if you get this message. I'm just a little delayed, but I will be

I promise.

Hey, darling, who's that? Oh, the restaurant. I called, and damn it,

overbooked. It's going to be an hour wait.

You know, I'm beginning to think that maybe we should just cancel. An hour's

wait? That owner is a patient of mine. He said we'd get their best table. Who

did you speak to there?

Doug.

Well, when we get there, I'm going to talk to that owner about this Doug.

Oh, no, no, we don't need to ruin someone's Valentine's Day.

How sweet are you?

Well, who do I get it from?

So,

uh, Dr. B, I heard you and the other Dr. B got divorced.

Condolences.

Thank you. I understand he hooked up with his secretary.

You know, you'd serve him right if you, uh, hooked up with your own little, uh,

boy toy.

You know, Theodore, that's just not how the world works.

When men get older, they get distinguished, and women are just put

pasture for the crime of no longer looking like the cover girl on Maxim

magazine, which, by the way, you can stop hiding under your jacket.

Oh.

These.

These are just girls.

Believe me, there are lots of young guys out there who can appreciate the gifts

of a mature woman.

Oh. That's very chivalrous of you, Theodore.

Jalapeno popper for my lady.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Okay, Mom, all set.

Holly, you okay?

I'm fine. Why would you... Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness. You're burning up. Maybe we shouldn't go out to dinner.

No, but I was looking forward to it, but okay.

I don't want you to catch this. You should go. I could take you home.

Yes. Ted could take you home. No, no. I am staying here and nursing you back to

health. After you've been so kind to me, it's the least I can do.

Damn. Damn.

Looks like it's just a muscle inflammation.

Oh, good.

So you would notice if there were, say, an ice pick stuck in my coccyx.

Dad, you're going to be fine.

Now, those muscle relaxants are going to kick in any minute. Just have Crystal

alternate hot and cold packs. Oh, you know what? I think I'm going to do that

myself. I don't want to bother her.

Dad, come on.

Let her help you.

She is at least half responsible for this. Yeah, about that.

Crystal still thinks that I did this at the gym. I'd like to keep it like that.

Why?

Because I don't want her to start looking at me differently.

It's bad enough that she nudges me awake when we're watching a movie.

I don't want her to think that I'm getting old.

Dad, you're not getting old.

You are old.

If that's your bedside manner, it's a good thing half your patients are

comatose.

Come on, Dad, it's the truth.

I mean, you call milkshakes malted.

You always give up your seat for a lady. You are so mad at the Dodgers for

leaving Brooklyn.

There's nothing wrong with that stuff.

Of course not.

That's what makes you you.

And that's who Crystal fell in love with.

And even though she thinks it's adorable when you suck in your gut, you're not

fooling her.

Really?

Believe me.

Thank God. I was getting tired of wearing my T -shirt in the pool.

Here we go.

It's Valentine's Day.

You have someone special waiting for you.

Why don't you wobble home and let her love you?

Thank you, Dr. Barnes.

Okay, I'm all tucked in. All tucked in.

All tucked in here. And I am a doctor, so I think I can take care of myself

here on out.

I'm in awe, Dr. Barnes.

I wish I were as caring a parent as you are.

You have kids?

I have a boa constrictor.

Mom, I insist.

I want you.

To go home and please relax.

All right. But promise me you'll spend tonight in bed.

Trust me, that's the plan.

Okay. Well, call me Thursday morning. I will.

Lola. You keep me waiting a half hour and you're not even dressed yet?

Our reservation's at 8 o 'clock.

You have a date? No.

Lola, could you just give my mom and me a quick second here?

Really appreciate it.

Thank you.

All right.

When you told me about those reservations, I thought you were

me. I'm really sorry.

No, actually, it's partly my fault. I mean, I just heard what I wanted to

and, I mean, who would have thought that you, of all people, would not have a

date on Valentine's Day?

Mom, just say the word, and I'll send Lola home, and you and I will have a

wonderful dinner together.

Oh, thank you, Oliver. That's so kind of you.

Seriously, Mom, just say the word.

Oh, Ollie, cut the crap.

So you want me to go out there and just tell Lola to be a few minutes? Oh, no.

I'm good.

I guess I should just be getting home. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

What's the rush?

Ben should be back at any time.

Why don't I just freshen your drink?

Okay, well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Ted.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Ted, Ted, Ted. When, when, when, when?

Sorry about that.

Maybe you just want to sip a little bit off the top.

You okay?

Yes, I'm fine.

Come on.

You can tell Ted.

You know, I have to say, I really didn't think a day would get to me so much,

but this morning I ran into my ex -husband with his girlfriend who,

was the only person who gave me a valentine.

Uh -huh.

Then, then, of course, you get to work.

And there's people, well, there's flowers, you know.

And really, it is, it is, it's kind of depressing.

I'm listening.

You know, I have to say, when you get to my age, I mean, you just

forget about looking for love.

Basically, you just, you're just never going to find a man who even, you know,

looks at you. I am so freaking hot for you right now.

What? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Were you going to kiss me? No, no.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

Theodore, you have a mouthful of peanuts for God's sake. I can spit them out.

No, no.

Oh, God, I'm such a dork. I'm such a dork.

It's just... I've had the biggest crush on you ever since the 10th grade.

Really? Yeah, of all my friends' moms, you were definitely the hottest.

I'd always be at your house when you came home from tennis.

You'd wear that pink tennis dress. Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that dress. I

that dress. Whatever happened to that dress? Yeah, weird.

You know, it just kills me to hear you run yourself down like this. I mean,

you're Dr.

Barnes, man!

And trust me when I say this.

You are every bit as hot now as you were back then. Oh, no, no, please, please.

No.

You are.

Oh.

Well.

Thank you. Thank you, Tim.

Well, um, it was nice seeing you again, Dr. Barnes.

Well,

I guess I could just stay until Ben comes back. Oh.

Planet of the Apes. I wouldn't mind watching that. Really?

Okay, great.

Because it's all queued up.

That's my take. Sorry.

Damn it.

Kind of funny.

You hate Valentine's Day, but you still wound up with a naked lady.

I don't hate Valentine's Day, Crystal. I just... What?

Everyone wants to be magically in love on this one arbitrary day. You should

have heard my patience.

Should I propose?

Why did my marriage end?

Will I ever find anyone?

What's wrong with me that I'm not with someone?

Oh, Ben, you've only been divorced six months. Of course you'll find someone.

Oh, this isn't about me. I'm talking about my patience and how over

they get about this...

Stupid, stupid day.

Well, I think I know how your patients feel.

You love this day. You bake cookies. You're Mrs. Tush Temple.

Now more than ever.

Ben, I wasn't always like this.

Last Valentine's Day was horrible.

I felt so bad because I didn't have anyone.

I spent the night eating pizza and watching a dumb science fiction movie

girlfriend.

But the very next day, your dad called me at home for the first time. He was

so nervous.

That's when I knew that he really liked me.

So you never know when your luck is going to change.

Just something for your patience to think about.

Well, listen, don't worry. My back was hurting, but I took some pills. I'm

feeling pretty good now.

Stand back. No, no, Dad, wait.

Dad, I'm going to slide my phone under the door.

I want you to call a locksmith and an ambulance.

Now, in the original, this is where they would... to come upon the Statue of

Liberty, which, of course, represents man's arrogance.

Oh, Ted, I'm so impressed by your knowledge of Planet of the Apes. Well,

classic. Well, it's good, but it's no Logan's run.

You know Logan's run?

I write fan fiction for it. I'm so freaking hot for you right now.

Ted, I am so sorry.