Original subtitles

Excuse me. Can I borrow your salt?

Sure. Take your time.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

There it is, the perfume wick.

I'm only getting bacon.

Tilt your head 20 degrees.

Yeah, nice.

Hey. Is that that girl, Debbie, that works on your floor? Oh, yeah, it is. I

only talked to her for a few minutes last week, but she seemed pretty cool.

Do you mind putting in a little word for me?

Forget it.

She's not your type.

Oh, I get it.

Squirreling that little acorn away for yourself, huh?

No, no, we're just friends. Besides, she's got a boyfriend.

Damn, the good ones are always taken.

Big guy? Bouncer. Damn!

No, it wasn't.

That's all right. I understand.

As a gastroenterologist, you were just checking out the tables in her stomach.

You know what? I am glad I ran into you. Can you take the dog this weekend?

Because Crystal's going to visit her mother when she's away.

I am going to paint the bedroom her favorite color. She's going to be so

excited. Oh, isn't that sweet?

I'm sure it's been quite a while since she's had a nice surprise in that

bedroom.

Don't forget, you're coming to me this Saturday.

For what?

Do it for God's sake, for Norma?

Your receptionist of 30 years?

That's this Saturday?

Yes, and don't be late.

She has a very short layover, and she's driving in from the airport just to see

us. I thought we'd go someplace quiet without a lot of traffic.

Oh, now we're talking about your bedroom.

There you are.

Oh, my dove.

Hello, Lydia.

Uh, dove.

Let me get my coffee. Okay.

I just...

Wish you'd come with me this weekend.

Crystal Kins, there's nothing more that I'd like to do, but I've got a million

things to take care of. Well, then maybe I should postpone it so you can come

with me.

Oh, no, you never put off moments like that.

Who knows how much time you have left with your mother?

She's younger than you.

Really?

Not a fan of sunblock, is she?

Hey, Ben.

Oh, hi, Debbie.

Debbie, hi. I'm Oliver. We met last week. You probably don't remember. Of

I remember.

I know. That was just me faking humble.

You're funny.

No, not really.

Faking humble again? Guilty.

Nice to laugh for a change.

Ben, that blind date I went on last night?

Horrible. Blind date?

This guy was so boring, I was like... Well,

I better run, but it was really nice to meet you again, Oliver.

You too.

Bye, Ben. See ya.

You just told me she had a boyfriend.

I know. She's dating? How trashy is that?

Okay, I was protecting her. From what? From me? She is a sweet girl, and let's

face it, you have a tendency to bail on women once you get them into bed. I

don't believe this.

Don't play all innocent with me. You know what a dog you are. You were just

sniffing salt girl over there.

Well, excuse me for trying to teach you about perfume wakes.

I've got to say, Ben, I'm a little hurt.

Okay, so I haven't had a long -term relationship in a while. It doesn't mean

not looking for one.

And it'd be nice if my brother supported me instead of throwing up roadblocks.

Okay, I'll put in a word.

But you have to promise me you're not going to have your fun and then dump

I swear to you, Ben, there is no way I'll hurt Donna.

Actually... Debbie, I knew it as soon as I said it.

A doctor who can cook. Is there anything you can't do?

Um, cook.

That was takeout.

You know, this just didn't even feel like a first date at all. Usually

all strained and awkward.

I know, but with you, I just feel so comfortable. Oh, my God.

Oh,

well, it's getting late, and I have to work in the morning.

Maybe just one more glass of wine?

But just one.

That was nice.

Very nice.

So fuzzy.

Like my own little Chewbacca.

Star Wars. Yeah,

I think I'm kind of fading here.

Oh, me too.

Especially after that big dinner.

I ate everything.

It was like Ms. Pac -Man.

Oh, well, good night.

Good night.

The flight is in two hours. Did we really have to stop at that tobacco

shop? Mama lives in a small town. It's hard for her to find the Turkish

cigarettes she likes.

Ah, we might have just uncovered the secret of her premature aging.

Let me just grab some sugar. Sure.

Hello.

Yes, Lydia, I will be there.

No, first I have to get Crystal into a cab. Then I have to go to the paint

to get my supplies.

No, I couldn't do it this morning.

You know I don't want Crystal to know anything about this.

Yes, I'll see you this afternoon.

Who is that?

Oh, nothing. Nothing important. Come on, let's get a cab.

Hey, Dad. Can't talk now. Got a lady leaving town.

Gina.

Hey, I'd like you to meet Debbie. Hi, nice to meet you. You too.

Oh, I'm sorry. I should get that. Will you order me a coffee?

She seems cute.

Yeah, and smart and funny and sweet. And if I don't break up with her soon, I'm

going to toss myself off a roof.

Why?

I don't know. She has this kind of habit of... Actually, you know what? See if

you can pick it out.

Oliver, I'm so sorry. I have to get back to work.

Hope you ordered me a decaf. I'm already bouncing off the walls.

I'm like...

Get that to go for you.

Oh, I have to go meet with this annoying client.

He thinks he's so funny. Every time he finishes some dumb joke, I'm just

thinking... Wow,

I bet that gets old really fast.

Thank you, honey.

I'll call you later. Okay. Nice to meet you, Regina.

Oh, yeah. Nice to meet you, too. Oh, my God.

Remember that roof you were going to toss yourself off? Do me a favor. Aim

me.

Why just break up with her? I can't. She's Ben's friend. He just gave me this

whole speech about how I go through women.

If I break up with this girl over one bad habit, I'll never hear the end of

It's not like she does it in bed or anything, right?

Oh, my God.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, buddy. Hey, I just saw Debbie. She said things are pretty good. I have

to say, this is one time I am happy I was wrong.

Proud of you.

You know her?

No, I do not.

In fact, that's the second time that chick has come on to me.

But I don't even care.

Because I've got my own incredible lady.

Well, well.

Could we be hearing wedding bells?

Give her time.

Anyway, back to work.

Later. Congrats, buddy.

Okay.

I have a problem.

Really? What is it?

What? Oh.

Wow. Did not see that coming.

Sorry I ran right by you. I just had to use the little girl's room.

Regina, this is Alana. Hi. Hi, nice to meet you. Well, I'm starved. I'm going

go grab a menu.

Okay.

Okay, please don't tell me that spankable little sex kitten is your

It's just I've been giving Oliver a hard time about his shallow relationships.

And with me and this girl, it's just... Sex, sex, sex. We barely even talk.

Well, that is a problem.

You better break it off before she shows up with her twin sister in a pizza.

I'm serious. Okay, okay, I get it. Sex is incredible, and yet you're

unsatisfied. Exactly. Okay, well, if I were you, I'd give it eight more dates.

Eight? Simple math. You divide how boring she is by how hot she is, and

you... Whoa, my mistake, 12.

Just don't tell Oliver about any of this.

Hey, Ben, I ordered the Belgian waffles with whipped cream. You'd think I'd be a

little sick of whipped cream by now, huh?

Twenty -eight.

Stuart, for God's sake, put down that banana. We're about to have lunch.

me, I'm hungry. I've been painting my bedroom all morning.

You know, I have to say, it really is nice you're doing this for Crystal.

I mean, when we were married, your idea of a romantic surprise was muting the

TV.

It must be Norma. I'll get that.

Norma! Oh,

Lydia! Norma!

You know, it has been way too long.

You look great. You really do. What's your secret?

Not working and pickling myself in gin.

the kiss.

Oh, they're just great, thanks.

Do you know that I still carry a picture of them in my wallet? I brag about them

as if they were my own.

Well, you were the best babysitter they ever had. I still remember Regina and

her Barbies. She always had them in the oddest poses.

Well, we have a little more information about that now.

Well, before I forget, I have a little gift for my favorite couple.

Oh, framed picture.

Of Stuart and me.

For your 35th anniversary. I know I'm a little late.

Just a little.

Well, now I have to run to the powder room. The one in the airplane was

the whole time by a young couple.

I'm all for that mile -high club, but I've had my legs crossed since the

Rockies.

Do you know where it is?

She thinks we're...

I thought you did. Oh, why would I tell her? She's your receptionist. Well, she

must have been out of earshot when I sang it from the rooftop.

God, what does this mean that I have to sit here all through lunch and pretend

I'm your little wifey? Well, either that or tell her the truth and break her

heart. Did you hear what she said? She has our children's pictures in her

wallet. I don't even have that.

I cannot believe that you were asked to meet me for this ridiculous charade. Oh,

you owe me, Stuart.

Oh, look at you two.

Still so happy together.

Did I give you something special for your anniversary?

Not yet.

But I feel a pair of pearl earrings coming my way.

I think you're digging your nails into my arm, oh, sweet wife of mine.

Oh, I just can't let go of you, my little love bunny.

Oh, is that a picture of the kids? Yes, it is.

Would you please relax? We can work through this, all right? She's going to

gone in an hour.

Where'd she go?

Norma? Norma?

Norma? Oh, Norma. Oh, my God. Are you all right?

Oh, I think I must have slipped on something.

Perhaps this banana peel?

You know, you often hear about people slipping on those. You just never see it

happen.

Hello.

Hello, Huggy Bear.

It's bedtime now, Crystal.

I'm going to call you back. Oh, this is my bad knee. I think I'm going to have

to raise it up for a while. You do anything you want. We just want you

You know, I don't think I'm going to be able to get on that plane. And that is

the last flight out today.

Maybe we can walk it off. Stuart!

I'm afraid that I might have to spend the night here. I am so sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't be sorry. Please, you must stay here with me.

Us? Us.

Us. Us. Me and, me, me and Stewie Bear.

Coming back to bed?

Oh, in a minute.

I just thought maybe we could talk a little, you know, get to know each

Do you mind if I grab a water? No, go ahead. I've got one. See? Look at that.

Both in the water.

Ollie! Hey! I, I, I thought you and... Debbie, we're going out. Oh, no. We just

decided to stay in.

She's grabbing some Chinese food. But you're welcome to join us.

Oh, nah.

There is a crowd.

Look forward to the party.

So, Oliver Barnes, this is Alana from the diner.

Hi. You know, I should go get dressed.

Oliver Barnes.

I feel like I just met somebody else named Barnes.

Well, well.

Look who's taking a dip in the shallow end of the pool.

Excuse me.

What we have is not shallow. We share a lot of interests.

Like what?

Well, like the environment.

And Metallica... You're reading the decals off her knapsack. So?

Suddenly you're an expert on successful relationships?

At least Debbie and I actually connect.

Oh, hey, Ben. You want to join us? I've got a ton of food here.

Oh, that sounds great. I'm starving.

Oh, well, then all I have to say is soup's on to it!

And she's all mine.

Okay, thank you very much.

Okay, all done. You're on the noon plane tomorrow.

You sure I'm not putting you two out?

Oh, no, it's just a typical night at the Barnes household.

Oh, Stuart, you didn't have to go out and buy new pajamas.

Oh, yes, I did, because I usually sleep in the nude.

Yes, yes, he does. He just lopes around this place like an African villager.

I'm sorry to bother you, I left.

Whoa, am I in the right year?

Hi, sweetheart.

Look who came to visit. It's Norma. Hi, darling.

What are you doing here?

Norma came to visit her favorite married couple, and then she hurt her knee and

now is spending the night.

Oh, how fun.

Yeah.

A sleepover, huh?

Can you believe these two? Aren't they darling together?

I was just saying, they're just like newlyweds.

Regina, what brought you over here? Not important.

I would like to have one like that.

Wait a minute. I just got this new camera phone. Not now, darling. Not now.

He looks all cute in his pajamas.

Yeah, doesn't he, though? All right.

Swish together, guys.

Here you go. Hug him.

Dad, give Mom a kiss.

Wow, that was good. Bye -bye.

Show me some passion, huh? Whatever you came for, just take it.

All right, puck her up. Oh, for God's sake.

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, there's my umbrella.

I'll be on my way. Bye, Norma. Now promise me you'll send me a copy of that

Oh, don't worry. It'll be my Christmas card.

So, Debbie, how do you know Ben?

Oh, we work on the same floor. We're both therapists.

I tried that once, but my hands got so tired rubbing people all day.

Not that kind of therapist.

Oh, it's great that you're such soulmates, but you still keep learning

about each other.

I know I shouldn't be saying this, but we do get some real psychos in there.

Oh, you know, like the movie.

Eat up.

I'm going to clear the table. Yeah, I'll help.

All right.

Just say it.

We have nothing in common. It's just sex. I'm a total hypocrite. Oh, thank

so much.

What? You just let me off the hook.

Now I don't have to worry about what you'll say when I take Debbie and shoot

out of the nearest cannon.

liked her. Did you not hear those sound effects? It's never ending.

If it's not ding ding ding or boing boing boing, it's waka waka waka waka.

It's like dating a car alarm.

So you stayed together just because of what I said?

Well, you're my little brother. I want you to respect me.

Ollie, look, if it's not right with Debbie, it's not right.

Thanks. And you know, I will always respect you.

Just like I'm sure you'd respect me, no matter what decision I made. You want to

keep dating Alana, don't you?

Can I?

Of course. I mean, you've still got, um, what is it, 12 dates left with her.

Does everyone know this formula but me?

Damn it, I just spilled water all over my shirt.

28.

I'll meet you in a minute.

Hey, Lydia, is Norm out there? Her bed's already made.

No, she must be feeling better.

She left us a note. She's gone for a walk.

It's probably her now.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know who else to turn to.

Is this a money thing? Because I have absolutely no cash in the house.

Lydia, I think Stuart is cheating on me.

First, he rushed me out of town, and then I caught him whispering on his

And then when I called him last night, I heard a woman making love noises.

Oh, no, no. Crystal, Crystal, please.

There is an explanation for this. Oh, my back. It's been a while since I wound

up on the floor.

Stuart! Crystal. You are cheating on me.

And with you.

No, no, Crystal, please. I can explain.

Stuart!

This looks weird, but I can explain everything. You see, my receptionist was

here in town. I'm your receptionist. My old receptionist, Norma. Now, she came

to visit, but she thought that Lydia and I were still married, so we pretended

to be. And then she slipped on a banana peel and hurt her knee, and so I was

forced to spend the night with Lydia. Oh, I'm so sorry that Norma isn't here

explain all of this, because she did leave a note, but apparently...

The dog ate it. So, Lydia, any time you want to jump in, feel free.

I'm not sure I believe it, and I was here.

Goodbye, Stuart. Oh, come on, Crystal, please.

Oh, Norma, thank God.

Hello. Norma, Norma, this is Crystal, Stuart's new receptionist.

Hello.

Oh, Stuart.

He just gave her a big bonus.

Well, I must say, that is not the way I pictured my replacement.

I know exactly how you feel.

Well, my cab is downstairs and I can't stay for breakfast, but it has been so

great to see you one more time.

Oh, wasn't it, though? We wish we could spend more time with you. Well, you

know, when I fly back from Europe, there's no rush to get home. I can stay

week. What do you say?

Uh, well, I, uh... We're divorced.