Original subtitles

Good morning.

So, notice anything different?

I know, you trimmed your eyebrows.

Next time, rinse the sink.

No, the coffee maker.

I realized if I'm ever going to get out of your guest room, I've got to stop

throwing my money around.

You know what I spend on coffee every day?

Three bucks in the morning, three in the afternoon.

This thing's going to save me a bundle.

What'd it cost?

$1 ,300.

Hey, where's my coffee maker?

Oh, I tossed it.

You're welcome.

Would you please not just throw my stuff away? I've had that thing for ten

years. It saw me through school, relationships, a marriage. If that

could talk.

Rinding completed.

Mine can.

Grace, now when you move out, what am I supposed to make coffee with? A pair of

underpants and a waste paper basket?

Hey, it's Crystal.

Close the door.

She's Dad's girlfriend. I have to say hi.

Hey, Crystal.

Oh, hi, hi.

Okay, you had your little wave.

Hey, don't turn that hand around.

Turn that hand back.

You always have to be Mr. Nice. If there's one thing I can't stand... Hey,

you. Hi, Daddy. Hi.

Elevator out again?

Oh, yeah.

And let me tell you, it's not easy walking up nine flights of stairs with

damn melons weighing me down.

Well, do you want to take a break, have a cup of coffee? Yeah, get on in here.

I sure ought to take a break, I guess.

I've been working hard all morning trying to finish my poetry class

Oh, yeah? How's it going? Okay, I guess.

We're supposed to write about the first time we experienced true love.

It's hard.

I can't think of anything to rhyme with Trans Am.

Don't say Wham or Bam, because I already used those.

Hey! You know what? I got some stuff in here from Zabar's. How about I make us a

breakfast? Ah!

Okay, yeah!

That's great!

Love it!

Very excited!

Are you happy now?

We have to make small talk with her for a whole damn meal.

What is your problem with her?

I don't know. It always feels a little disloyal to Mom.

Plus, it's awkward. I put in her breast implants and then...

You know.

Oh, that's right.

You asked her out, and she turned you down. That's got to be tough, having a

girl pick your dad over you.

They hadn't even started dating yet.

Oh, so she turned you down in favor of... nothing.

Hey, does Dad know you asked Crystal out? No, he doesn't, and that's how I'd

like it to stay. So keep your mouth shut, or I'll stitch it up while you

I told you to stop saying that. I've had dreams.

Oh, Mom.

Hey.

Mom.

Gosh. What are they going to fix that damn elevator?

Mom, what are you doing here? Well, I had to drop off Monty, but your father

wasn't home, so I thought I'd leave him here.

Oh, goodness. At least I don't have to deal with his helium -voiced love bunny.

Okay, Mom.

It'll be easier on the way back down. Thanks for coming.

You know the thing about that, Crystal?

I just don't like the way she treats this dog as if it was her own.

I mean, he came home last week wearing a poncho I know I didn't give him.

Call me paranoid.

Sometimes I think she's trying to make my baby forget who his real mommy is.

Okay, boys.

Breakfast is almost ready.

Crystal. Dr. Burns.

I love you, Mommy.

The next time we go grocery shopping and you see me talking to a woman, could

you not drop three avocados into our cart and say, wait till you taste the

frittata. I'm going to make you for breakfast.

Well, I won't be making it now. Not with that attitude.

Hold the elevator.

Hold the elevator.

Hey, Bob. Hey, guys.

Well, I'm so happy I bumped into you.

Thank you so much for inviting Crystal into breakfast yesterday.

It made her feel so accepted.

Well, I saw her in the hallway and...

Couldn't ignore her.

So, we want to thank you by taking you out tonight for dinner. What do you say?

Hey. What do you say?

Well, we were going to a movie with Regina, but we can do that anytime we'd

to. Fun, fun, fun. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. All right.

Listen, I'm going to call your sister, too.

And then I'm going to make reservations at our favorite, Ming's. Oh, great. So

we'll meet you there at 8. No, no, no. We'll pick you up at 6. That way we can

stop by Crystal's poetry reading first.

What is the matter with you? I'm just trying to be... Nice. I know.

Well, nice going. Now we're going to a poetry reading.

How am I going to stay awake? I don't have enough nose hairs to pull out.

Hey, serves you right for telling Mom I was the one who invited Crystal in. I

think she's really mad.

Grow up, Ben.

30 years old and still afraid of his mom.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mom. How'd you get in here?

I used the spare you gave me to order the plants when you went to Atlantic

That wasn't a spare. That was my key.

Which I used to make a spare.

So, I just came by to pick up that cake plate you borrowed.

Unless, of course, you need it for a baking date with your new brunch buddy.

Mom, listen, about that... Oh, forget it, darling. I have.

So, I'm baking a cake for Maria.

Who's Maria?

Maria? Our housekeeper?

Only the woman who looked after you kids for the better part of three decades.

Right, right.

Anyway, tomorrow is Maria's 80th birthday, and I'm baking a cake and

to her in the nursing home.

You're baking a cake? You've never baked a cake in your life.

If I can put a pig valve in a man's chest, I think I can follow a recipe.

I don't suppose you boys are free tonight to drive up with me?

Tonight? Actually, Mom, we've got plans. We're supposed to go to a friend's

surprise party. Right, right. Fine, fine. Have fun.

And if you get a chance, please give Maria a call tomorrow.

She did work her hand in the stump, cooking and cleaning for the family. But

you can, I understand.

Out with the old, in with the new.

We'll try, Mom.

And listen, about yesterday.

Oh, let it go, darling. I have.

Don't you know better than to give your mother a key?

Honestly, if I knew you were like this, I never would have moved in with you.

Here

she

is. The lady of the hour.

I feel like a movie star.

A lot of heady stuff from this one tonight, huh?

Oh, it's very profound. Yeah, I wouldn't want to live in a world without

unicorns either.

By the way, I'm sorry about that. two drink minimum.

Trust me, it wasn't a problem.

It was just so exciting. The smoky lounge, the stage, the spotlight on my

face. I just hope you could hear me over the guy bowling all those strikes.

You know what? Crystal is having a poetry meeting at lunchtime on Tuesday

you're available.

I'm pretty sure I can make it. Damn.

Well, you know what? That's all right, because I've got a friend who can burn

you a DVD.

Oh, just send it to me. I'll burn it.

Oh, Oliver, speaking of Tuesday, are we going to be done by lunch? Oh, sure.

Tuesday? What's happening on Tuesday? Oh, it's nothing. She's just coming in

a little follow -up exam.

Really?

Yeah, it's been six months since I put in her implants.

Oh, that's funny.

It's been six months since you got that camera, too.

Well, let's go pick out a lobster.

Okay, but you have to help me, because...

You know how hard this is for me.

Well, this time, don't name them. Okay.

That was weird, wasn't it?

What? The way Dad reacted when he heard about Crystal's appointment. I think he

knows you asked her out. You know what you need to do?

Oh, boy. No, seriously. You guys need to sit down and talk this through. Talk.

Communicate. Share feelings. That is your answer for everything.

Here's my answer.

Oh, come on!

Those lobsters make me so sad.

They all look like such old souls.

You know what? Let's have a toast to Crystal for the wonderful job that she

tonight. To Crystal. To Crystal.

And here we are at Ming's, our family restaurant, where we spent so many

wonderful nights.

Do it. And one not -so -great one.

Mom. Oh, hello, everyone.

I thought you were going upstate.

Yes, and I thought you were going to a surprise party.

Well, surprise.

So, forgive me for interrupting, which was clearly a festive occasion before

first Mrs. Barnes stumbled down from the attic and ruined it.

Come on, we are so sorry. Yeah, Mom, come on, sit down. No, no, no, it's

It's fine. I have my takeout. I was working late on my cape, so I thought

drive up in the morning. But please, enjoy the restaurant that I introduced

to 30 years ago.

Mom, would you like some company tomorrow?

Only if you want to, Ben.

Well, it is Maria's 80th birthday. I think we'd all like to go, right, guys?

Right. Who's Maria?

Oh, she was a longtime housekeeper. A lovely lady.

It's her 80th birthday and you're not going?

First of all, Lydia doesn't want me there. And second of all, we have our

ticket that we paid a fortune for.

Oh, Stuart, I'd love for you to come.

Fantastic.

Okay, it's done. I'll see you all in the morning.

Thanks for including us. Oh, don't thank me. Thank you, Brother Ben.

Oh, we will.

Can't you go any faster?

I can barely see Dad and Oliver anymore.

Just because we're going to visit an old woman doesn't mean you have to drive

like one.

The speed limit's 55.

I'm going 60.

Going on 60.

I don't even know why I'm driving up with you two.

Because Mom and I lost the coin cost.

You know, Mom, this car still drives really well after all these years.

Some of us are still happy with these older models.

Here we go. They're reliable, dependable, and they breastfed you.

You know, Mom, it isn't exactly easy for us being caught in the middle. If we're

nice to Crystal, you're mad at us. If we snub her, Dad's mad at us. What are we

supposed to do? The second one.

Honey, you know, you could pick up the page just a tad.

Are you saying that just to change the subject, Mom?

No, she's saying that because we just got passed by a truck pulling a house.

Fine.

What was that?

I think it was a Spanish colonial.

No, genius, that thunk. It was the tire. You must have hit something.

Oh. Oh, God, you're right. We have a flat.

Oh, that's okay. Just pull over to the side. Regina, hop out and change it.

We'll be on our way.

So it's need a tire change, ask a lesbian?

You know how, don't you?

That's not the point.

Wait a minute. Why does everyone assume that I don't know how to change it?

Can you?

That's not the point.

All right, let me go get the spare.

Oh, uh -oh.

What do you mean, uh -oh?

Well, I had the doorman take out the tires so that Maria's cake would fit

better.

How did I know you were going to drive like a madman?

Wow, just an hour outside of town, and look at this open road.

Yeah, I've been enjoying it through this hole in the floor.

I told you, she's a classic. I just haven't finished restoring her yet.

What's that line?

Lane line!

Oh!

Okay, all right, all right.

Wow, we almost got hit by a house.

Um, so, Dad, I kind of wanted to talk to you about Crystal.

Mm -hmm.

Last night when I mentioned I was seeing her on Tuesday, Ben thought you seemed

a little thrown.

Oh, yeah, only because I thought it was Wednesday.

Really? Yeah.

How funny. I thought maybe you were uncomfortable with me seeing her, so I

all set to send her to Dr. Harding instead.

Dr. Harding? That louse?

That guy hits on every woman that walks into his office.

Call me old -fashioned. What kind of doctor treats a woman, then turns around

and hits on her?

Maybe a doctor who's just bad.

Bad and wrong.

Hello?

You're kidding. Can't Regina just change it?

Stuart. I really don't know what you were thinking of buying this car.

I told you, I'm restoring her.

Well, nice job with the... Floors, Dad.

Nothing like driving down the road, feeling the wind between your toes.

She will be beautiful when she's had her work done.

Ooh, who does that remind me of?

Very funny.

Very funny.

Hey, Benny Ben, I can't believe you thought I had a problem with Crystal and

Oliver. Oh, so you guys worked it all out? Yep, talked it all through. Moving

on.

Well, I guess I overreacted. I mean, when Ollie asked Crystal out, you guys

weren't even dating.

You asked Crystal out?

You didn't mention... No, you just did.

You asked Crystal out?

Before you, Dad. Way, way before.

Well, you can't blame him, Dad. I mean, she's a beautiful woman, right?

Yeah. That's your trampoline with her.

It's charming.

Hurtling down the highway in a rusted -out old death trap while discovering

I'm the only member of my family who doesn't want to sleep with your

Oh. Was that a raindrop?

Do not try and change the subject.

No, no, I felt it too.

Oh, it's coming through the roof.

Oh.

Stuart, tell me what part of the car did you restore?

The horn, and I did it myself.

Oh, no.

Unbelievable, Stuart.

It is not my fault that there are bumpy roads.

No, but it is your fault.

There's a rusty hole in the floor of that car big enough to suck out a lady's

size five.

Right, look, I know we've all had a really long day, but let's just remember

we're here.

Ria?

Okay. You guys, we've been driving for three hours. I bet we wake her up.

Yeah, me too. What are we going to do, wait here all night? No, no, no, just

give it a few minutes. I know, I'll set up the cake.

Once again, Stuart, lovely car.

You know, you don't let go of anything, do you?

Why can't you be more like me?

For instance... I just found out that your son is a burning cauldron of lust

my girlfriend.

You don't see me clinging to that, do you?

Dad, would you please... What?

Die so that you can have her? No, thank you.

Stuart, why pick on Oliver when all of your children want to sleep with your

girlfriend? Oh, Mom, don't you think you're going a little overboard?

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess your new mommy never goes overboard. But if she did, we

know she wouldn't think.

We're all getting a little uptight. I need some air.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have either a blue or a green wire to cut.

All right.

I am just going to go find somewhere to sit down.

My foot is a little raw from my trek across the parking lot.

and a pleasant family outing.

Yeah, just like I remember them.

Look, Mom, about Crystal.

Oh, don't worry, darling. Just drop it.

Look, I hate to sound like Ben here, but the problem's not going to go away.

Don't be so sure. I know a guy.

Cake? You know, I do realize

that I've been acting. pretty silly. No, you're not acting silly.

It's only natural it's going to bother you.

What bothers me is that it bothers me.

I mean, is this really the kind of person I am?

Petty and jealous and insecure.

I mean, you know, I am a highly qualified surgeon and a really terrible

You're never going to be that person, Mom.

And this cake isn't bad.

It's moist.

That was Lorraine.

Well, thanks again, Ben.

How is this my fault?

Well, let's see. Why are we here?

Because Mom caught us at Ming's with Crystal after a fun night of poetry and

bowling. Which we only went to because Dad thought we bonded with her. Which he

only thought because when Crystal walked past our door, you had to wave.

And then you had to turn it around.

Sometimes people do things that they don't want to do to help others. Fine.

You can't be nice all the time. It's not a crime to disappoint people.

Just once in your life, you could learn to say no. I say no plenty.

All right, let's just drop this. You want to go get a cup of coffee?

Sure. See, you can't say no.

Excuse me.

Excuse me?

Yes?

Would you rub my feet?

I'm sorry?

My feet.

I have a cramp. Would you rub them?

I'm sure an orderly will be coming by any time now.

But they hurt now.

Please.

No.

I said no.

But I'll call you an orderly.

Oh, not that button.

What? No. How do you stop that?

Good God.

They're going to give me the power.

The wrong button. Why were you pressing any buttons?

Well, because she asked me to rub her feet. And he said no.

What's your problem?

Is that you, Finn?

What is the matter with you?

Yeah, what's the matter with you?

As long as it's going to

take, he didn't say.

All right, boys and girl.

Here we go.

You ready?

Yeah.

Enjoy.

Achoo.