Original subtitles

Wow.

Officially, legally divorced.

Just beautiful.

Final. Sign there, too.

Oh, sure.

It's such a feeling. I mean, you know it's coming.

Yeah, and there's your... There. Oh, sure.

Okay.

Wow.

The finality of it is... Stuart, sweetheart, can we get divorced here?

a movie to catch. Sure.

There you go.

Done.

Well, actually, it doesn't legally record for three days, which puts us

the middle of Janice Meyer's wedding.

I don't think I can go. Oh, you have to. They're our oldest friends. I know, but

their family keeps getting married, and our family keeps getting divorced.

You have your bouncy little girlfriend by your side. Well, unfortunately,

Crystal can't make it. She's going to be out of town.

But I will be bringing pictures.

Hey, guys. Hi, honey.

Isn't that Oliver's new girl, Holly?

Aren't they cute together?

Not when you're trapped in a cab with them when they discover Holly and Ollie

would be the perfect name for their talk show.

Hi, sweetie.

Dad, I'm driving to Philly with you this weekend. Oh, right.

The wedding.

I still have to find a date.

Here's an out there thought about that girl you were just kissing eight seconds

ago.

You want me to take a woman to a wedding for a fourth date?

Maybe for a fifth we'll fly to China and adopt a baby.

It must be very weird for you to see Janice getting married. Yeah, didn't you

two date for over a year? Which beats your old record by about a year.

That's exactly why I need someone. I'm not showing up at the wedding of my only

long -term girlfriend looking like I can't even secure up a date.

I'll tell you what, I'm looking forward to this wedding. A lot of single women

on the prowl looking for a single guy. Trust me, if there's an opening, I'll be

taking it.

Hey, nice sweater.

Oh, thanks.

My mom gave it to me.

single again. Thank you so much for your concern. I'll see you at the wedding

tomorrow.

This is death.

What's up, Mom? Have a cocktail. I've been drinking since five.

My guess is you got dressed at seven.

Lydia, I just realized I never asked you, what did we give them for a wedding

present? I gave them a punch bowl.

You apparently gave them nothing.

You do recall, Stuart, we're divorced now. Yes, about the divorce.

Maybe we were a little too hasty. Oh, Stuart, get your own damn gift.

Hey, Janice, doesn't she look gorgeous?

I didn't only let her get away.

Hi, guys.

Hi, congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

You look wonderful.

Oh, thanks.

Um, Regina, I, uh, I need the biggest favor.

Sure, anything.

One of my bridesmaids, she missed her flight from Europe.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, come on, please, Regina.

Why drink unless you're going to do things you'll regret, right? Oh, thank

Thank you so much. You are going to look so good in purple.

Thanks again for coming with me on such short notice.

Oh, well, it's not every day a guy invites me to an out -of -town wedding

birthday. No, hey, it's just a little party. It couldn't be any more casual.

By the way, I'd like you to meet my parents.

Stuart.

Lydia. Nice to meet you.

I'm Lydia. Just going to run to the restroom. Okay.

Wow. If you want to show Janice that you've gone on with your life, let me

say mission accomplished.

Her mission won't be accomplished until I'm on the dance floor tomorrow night

holding her so tight she's behind me.

Lydia? Oh, yes.

Here it comes. More sympathy.

Hi. Great to see you. How's Ron?

We got divorced two months ago. Oh, thank God.

Sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I mean, Stuart and I just got divorced.

Oh, so you're getting the sympathy questions. How are you holding up? Are

meeting anyone? I mean, they act like it's a bad thing, which, frankly, I feel

like a test is done. No, I mean, thank God, right? Hi, Mom.

Abby Turner, look at you.

Aren't you beautiful?

Yep, she just graduated from law school, lives in New York now. Who's living in

New York, Ben?

Abby Turner.

Hey, Ben.

Hey, Abby. Hi, Mrs. Turner. Well, look at you.

Now, this takes me back. I have a picture on the mantel. The two of us

the two of them a bath. Oh, God.

Don't worry. You were sitting in the water. I made the mistake of striking a

Superman pose.

So, Ben, where is your lovely wife?

We got divorced.

Whoa. This place is a minefield.

So, does that mean, Ben, that you're single again?

Yeah. Well, a handsome boy like Ben won't stay unattached for long.

Come on, Lois. Drink. Okay.

Why do I get the feeling our moms want us in that tub again?

So the midget says to the rabbi... Janice!

Hold that thought, Dad. Okay, just remember, they're both holding a monkey.

Oliver! Hey!

Oh, my! Oh, God, I'm so glad you could make it. Well, I'm so glad to be here. I

would like you to meet a very special lady.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

Janice. See, we're already finishing each other's sentences.

I'm just going to grab a drink at the bar.

Okay, hurry back, you.

Well, she seems great.

Oh, she is awesome.

By the way, I'd love to get your caterer's number.

Really? Well, things are that serious.

I know, I can't believe I'm saying it myself, but ding -dong, who is it? Oh,

it's the rest of my life, you know?

Oh.

Well, um, congratulations.

Thanks.

This is too weird. First you invite me to a wedding for our first day, and now

you're planning our wedding.

No, no, no, you don't understand.

Ding dong, I'm out of here.

Please come back. I'm not into you at all.

No, no, Polly, you have plenty of time. The wedding doesn't start till five.

Oh, fantastic.

Oh, um, wear that, uh, that black dress you wore last Friday.

It is not too slutty for a wedding.

Okay. Gotta run.

Hey, Janice.

Hi, Holly.

Listen, I, um, I got you that caterer's number.

Oh, great.

Where's Cynthia?

I, uh, I sent her home.

Why? Well, there's this other girl, Holly, that I broke up with recently,

uh, being here at a wedding, it made me realize how much I missed her.

Oh. So I called her and she's coming.

Sweet Holly.

Holly and Ollie.

Well, I can't wait to meet her. Oh, you will. And I'll take that caterer's card.

Okay.

Oh, Lydia.

Maybe there is someone that I'm just dying for you to meet. Mother and I

that you two would be perfect together.

Oh, I'm intrigued.

Howard.

This is Lydia.

Oh, the famous Lydia.

I'm Howard Netterlander. It's a pleasure.

You're welcome.

So, Janice says we have a lot in common. Oh, really?

I can only assume that means you're also in cellular tower placement.

Excuse me? You're right. They're not towers.

Not once we've made them look like trees.

I'm responsible for half the camouflage technology on the Jersey Turnpike.

Boy, fancy camera.

Yeah. You know what? I needed a gift, so I got this this morning. I'm going to

just tape the whole day for them. Cool.

I want to show you a moment I just captured. All right, I'm getting rewind.

Okay, now, priceless moment.

Janice's great -grandfather.

She's never met.

Surprising her from Italy. Wow.

Okay, and play.

Traceless moment.

Janice's great -grandfather. She's never met.

Surprising her from Italy.

What happened?

Uh, yeah, the red light means it's peeping. Well, that's stupid. Everyone

a red light means stop.

Damn this.

Morning. Ah, someone got himself a little action last night.

I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, come on. I heard you sneaking back

into your room at 3 a .m.

You were in little Abby Turner's room, weren't you?

Well, what can I say?

Nicely played.

Back on the horse.

Hey, Gina, guess what? Too loud.

What happened to you?

Well, being a bridesmaid, I got to go to the bachelorette party.

Apparently, I didn't whoop enough.

So I was arrested by Officer Pat McGroin, who told me I had the right to

horny.

Finally, at 4 .30, little Abby Turner ran out of singles and drove me home.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Abby was with you till 4 .30?

Morning, all.

Ben. Everyone sleep okay? I sure did.

Quiet. Okay.

Here we have Miss Lois Turner with Ben.

You remember, Ben, when you were a little boy, Lois used to say, Ooh, Ben

such a cute little tushy. Ooh, I just want to bite him.

You remember that, Lois?

I... She remembers.

Ben, you haven't seen Holly, have you? No.

The wedding starts in 20 minutes. I'm worried she isn't going to make it.

I've got my own problems.

Oh, right. Your new girlfriend, Aunt Lois.

She's not our real aunt.

But she is your girlfriend.

Shut up.

What if she thinks we started something last night, something ongoing?

All right, let's analyze this. Look at the signal.

For instance, last night when you got into bed, did she, you know, read you a

story? No, shut up.

Don't get all bent out of shape. You two are just having a little fun.

By the way, how much fun?

A lot.

She knows stuff.

Hi, boys.

Seen your Aunt Lois? She's not our aunt. Oh, I know that. There she is. I want

to get the scoop.

I walked by her room last night, and I heard a man's voice.

You did?

Yeah. Oh, hey, I'm not judging. Good for her.

You know, in our age, it's really hard to find someone you connect with. I

who knows?

Maybe he has a brother.

That's a lovely day, isn't it? For you, it is.

I walked past your room last night, and I want details.

Not in front of Ben.

So, I'm going to go over to the church, but, you know, I'm not giving up on you

and Abby. You stay on him, too, Lois. Sometimes you really have to ride this

one.

God, that was embarrassing.

No kidding.

Although, uh, I do feel a little exhilarated, you know, kind of like a

keeping a secret from a parent.

We are keeping a secret from a parent.

Holly!

Holly,

I was beginning to worry about you. I hope the traffic wasn't too bad. So

with the short notice?

Oh, well, I was here by myself last night, and I just thought to myself,

would be so much more fun with Holly.

I gotta get her down here.

Okay, and here we have Oliver and his date.

Holly. Yeah, you look different from yesterday.

Yeah, Dad, I do, I do, because yesterday I was sad, but today I'm happy because

my girlfriend's here.

Girlfriend? Well, you're just saying all the right things today.

Hi, I'm Holly.

Hi, Stuart, I'm his father.

Hi. Well, I want to sign the wedding book. Meeting the parents.

You change dates?

Now, I know you don't want to be here alone, but that's a little loony. Dad,

fine. Janice bought my story. Holly's thrilled to be here. All my bases are

covered. Oh, cute.

Table cards.

Except for the table cards.

Hey, hey, we should check that later. Let's get to the church.

Dr. Oliver Barnes and Miss Cynthia Mann?

How did that get on there? I don't know any Cynthia Mann. She's our yoga

teacher.

You invited her first, didn't you?

Please don't leave. All right. Now I'm completely

dead. Fifteen minutes to the wedding, no date, and no way I can possibly...

Hang on a second.

Excuse me.

Normally I don't do this, but you are so gorgeous. Oh, no!

Oh,

sure.

That. I got.

Now, let's say you're chatting on the phone while you're tooling around town

your sugar packet 2000. Now, as the signal from the primary tower gets weak,

NTSO makes a switch, and you and your Aunt Blabby in Kalamazoo have just

discovered the joy of roaming.

Speaking of roaming and joy, would you excuse me?

No, I shouldn't.

And yet, you will.

Oh.

Thank you.

Ollie, am I going to get to meet this wonderful woman of yours? Sure. Holly,

this is... Well, that's weird.

She was sitting here like two seconds ago.

Well, um, I'll find her, and when I do, I'll find you.

Okay.

Here's irony for you. The first night I get to see my daughter dressed up like a

lady, I am stuck with a man so boring that I'm thinking of becoming a lesbian

myself.

What, no spark?

I could have used some spark.

And some gasoline.

Well, at least I get to see my daughter looking absolutely spectacular.

Yeah, well, I've been sitting here all night while one goon after another hits

on me.

And you know the sickest part?

Okay.

It was a drive, but I found that wine you like.

I am really enjoying it.

Corkscrew? Okay.

I was wondering where you snuck off to. Oh, hey. She just threw the bouquet.

You didn't catch it, did you?

Ben, what do you think I think happened this weekend?

I think that... Why don't I go first? That seems to be our pattern.

Two people who just got divorced and weren't feeling too good about

got together for one night and made each other feel better.

Way better.

That's what I thought, too. Oh, you big liar.

I am not looking for a relationship here.

But if you decide you want to get together again, why don't you just give

call?

Maybe I will.

See you, Benji.

See you, Mrs.

Lois.

If

anyone

needs me, I'll be up in my room.

What? It's humiliating. I keep telling everyone I have a date here. They all

know I'm lying.

It's not like I'm about to... Holy mother.

What?

No, no, not a third. Just tell Jane the truth.

Oh, shut up. You slept with Aunt Lois.

Hello. Hi.

Look,

this is the longest of long shots, but my ex is getting married, and I need

someone to pretend to be my girlfriend for just a few minutes. Now, I know this

is pretty random, but it could be a lot of fun, you know.

Dancing, drinks, you get a free meal out of it, fish or chicken.

I like chicken.

Well, great!

Five minutes tops. You are such a lifesaver. Oh, um, your name is Holly.

Okay.

Hey, Janice.

Hey. Look who I found. Oh, so this must be the famous Holly.

She's my soulmate.

Sometimes we'll stay up all night just talking about nothing.

And everything.

Yeah, we love each other, but you know what's even more important?

We like each other.

I like chicken.

Well, I am glad that we could finally meet. Oh, no, meet.

I like chicken.

Anyway, we just wanted to say hi.

Please just excuse... I am no English speaker, never.

Yet somehow we make it work.

Hey, Oliver.

How long have you been hiding in here?

Well, pretty much since I finished dinner with my third date.

I believe she ordered the chicken.

All right, Ollie boy, what's going on with you? You're jumping through a lot

hoops here for a girl you broke up with a long time ago.

Actually, there's a little more to that story, Dad.

She broke up with me.

You've had a million girlfriends.

Yeah, but only one that I asked to marry me.

What?

Are you telling us you proposed?

You never told us that.

Because she said no, it wasn't exactly my proudest moment.

Although after tonight, it certainly isn't at the bottom of that list.

This explains why you've been so gun -shy about letting a relationship last

long. You're afraid you'll get hurt again.

Gosh, you think so, Ben? Yeah.

Take Holly, for instance.

Oh, sarcasm.

Look, just because it didn't work out for you and Janice doesn't mean there's

not a great girl waiting out there for you.

What I hope is that when you find her, you're going to give her a chance

she is going to get somebody awfully wonderful.

Thanks, Dad.

I wonder why lesbians dress like boys.

It's because of these damn heels.

Well, you look beautiful.

You should get dressed up more often. Well, for you, Mom, I promise I'll look

just like this the next time one of us gets married.

Now you're just being mean.

Is he forgetting to give Lois Turner back her scar?

If you want, I can give it to her.

Yeah, why don't you, Ben?

Go give it to Aunt Lois.

No, thanks.

Wow, you really are depressed.

You're going to be full of drunken bridesmaids.

Well, just because I'm depressed doesn't mean they have to be.

This is one wedding. I will not be sad to be over. No, I agree.

Oh, look at that.

One minute past midnight.

We are officially divorced.

The end of an era.

Or should you say, the end of an error?

I wouldn't say that.

Me neither.

For the former Mrs. Barnes, do me the honor.

It wasn't easy, but I got that takeout you wanted.

Thank you, handsome.

You asked for barbecue sauce, right?

Wow, look at this. How am I supposed to eat all this chicken?

I like chicken.

No kidding.

How are you doing?

Sorry, I have no English.

You won't need it.