Original subtitles

I think you both made real progress on some of the issues affecting your

marriage. I hope so.

Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to our second anniversary.

Come on, Harry.

I'm sorry again about him dozing off.

No, it's all right. Although it is the first time someone's fallen asleep on me

twice in one session.

Welcome to my wedding night.

That guy's got to be loaded.

Believe it or not, those two have a real affection for each other.

Oh, please don't tell me they have sex.

Okay, tell me.

No.

Okay.

As a matter of fact... Ah, that poor woman.

It's these new drugs.

Ten years ago, you could marry a geezer like that and the most you'd have to do

was cut up some tennis balls for his walker.

Now he popped a little blue pill and he's doing to you what he used to do to

Betsy Roth.

Oh, before I forget, that couple you saw last year, the Callahan, they're

renewing their wedding vows. You're invited.

It's at the Rainbow Room. Wow. Wow, when these two first came to me, they were

at each other's throes. I've always wanted to go to that place.

This is the real validation of my work.

Just so you know, after a few drinks at a wedding, I'm easier than a junior

jumble.

You're not going.

You know, I'm feeling crappy about Naomi leaving me, like nothing's going right,

and then this little victory just pops up in the mail from two weeks ago.

If you're done with this mess, you lose stuff, too.

Bianca, how many times have I told you? I'm sorry, okay?

A lot of my plane out here needs to jump down my throat because I forget one

little thing.

Hey, Bianca.

Oh, your mom, Paula, and your sister are picking you up after work.

I'm sorry, do we have a plan?

Yeah, we're going over to see Oliver's new apartment.

Oh, right, the housewarming. I didn't even get him a present. Oh, yes, you

It's a yogurt maker.

The same kind I got you for Mother's Day?

It... Very similar, dear. I like the one you gave me very much.

I see you like the wrapping paper, too.

Oh, my God, my card's still stuck to it.

Oh, for heaven's sake, what did you do? Go into the appliance section and just

throw a dart?

Yogurt maker, what were you thinking?

He's gonna love it.

Why do I bother getting you presents?

Just like that time I saw the doorman wearing the scarf I crocheted for you in

brownies.

Turn the page, dear.

Andrew, how was your day?

Actually, really good. I was counseling this couple last year, and today, out of

the blue, I get an invitation to... Oh, my God.

Wow.

Yeah. Oh, Oliver.

Oliver, this is gorgeous.

Not bad for a simple kid from the Upper East Side who went to Harvard, huh?

Ollie, it's beautiful.

Congratulations.

Here, it's a yogurt maker.

Sorry.

No, these are great. I got one of these for Regina last year.

Turn the page, Mom.

How about our son, huh?

You guys, have you seen the bathroom?

There is a floor -to -ceiling window with one -way glass. You get this

view, but total privacy.

Yeah, they're coming to tent that tomorrow.

Is there a back way out of here?

And to think I let this guy get away.

Oh, my God.

There's a fish tank in the floor. Are those sharks?

Technically, they're the world's smallest whales.

This apartment must have cost you every dime you had.

Let's put it this way. Don't throw that can out.

Not to worry.

My practice has never been better. In fact, I just did extensive work on a

famous actress.

I'm sorry, I can't say I'm bound by an ironclad confidentiality agreement, but

were you to guess... I know who it is.

Charo.

No. Look, I just saw her on television. She looks great. Well, you know, she

always does.

It's not Charo.

Well, you know, the bangs hide a lot. Cher has them. It's Cher! She's had a

of work done. Oh, for God's sake, Callister, he's gonna go on like this

night.

It's Claudia Pension.

Oh, my God. I used to love Claudia Pension.

She was my first crush.

Her and Andy Gibb.

I was still kind of working things out.

Who is this person? I just can't picture her. You don't know Claudia Pension?

She's been a star for 20 years.

Oh, I'm sorry, Stuart.

I guess while you were expanding your mind reading People magazine, I was

something frivolous. Now, was it raising our three children or performing life

-saving heart surgery? I know, both.

Don't make that face, Lydia. You're going to scare Oliver's barracudas.

Well, good for you, Wally. Seems like things are going really well for both of

us. In fact, just today, I got the sweetest little invitation. Oh, guys,

this out.

Command center.

TV on.

TV off.

Oh, that's wonderful.

How cool is that? It's the whole... nerve center for the entire apartment.

controls everything. Lights, temperature, all the appliances.

Oh, wait. Watch this.

Command center, romance mode.

Command center, do you have a sister?

Lights up.

Oh, Oliver, this is just great. We're so proud of you. The first person in our

family. To have a command center.

Isn't this great, huh? Yeah. It's very impressive in a George Jetson runs a

brothel kind of way.

This deserves a toast. Come on, Benji, toast your brother. Come on. To Oliver.

Command center, sorry.

Okay, I made up the bed, the towels are in the bathroom, and again, I am so

sorry. No, it's okay. My contractor says the power should be back on in a few

days. It'll give him time to finish the wet bar in the panic room.

Thanks. A friend of mine on Naomi's makes this at a cooperative vineyard

upstate. Ah.

All the proceeds go to aid independent hemp manufacturers.

All the proceeds go to aid the people who drink it.

Hey, there are my guys.

Hey, Jeff.

What do you say we spend a night on the town?

I thought you had plans.

Well, I did, but my lady wants to stay in. I said I'm going out with my boys.

Now, I love my lady, but I love my boys. So if it's between my lady and my

boys... Okay, Dino, we get the point.

Okay, okay, three single men. I say we go on the town, we have a juicy steak,

have some drinks and end up in one of those places, you know, where the girls

dance in those cages.

I don't think they do that anymore.

Are you saying I've missed that entirely?

Sorry, Dad.

You want a glass of wine? No, no, trust me, you don't.

I'll grab us some beers.

Bang.

Hey, Benny Ben.

These pants?

I went down a whole size.

You better watch your back, skinny.

So tell me, what's the good news at work?

Oh, oh, okay, thanks.

Well, I was counseling this couple last year. They sent me an invitation.

It's after seven. You guys got to see this. Why?

Claudia Pynchon is doing an interview for Entertainment Tonight.

I want you to see my masterpiece.

We're talking here. Oh, this will take a second.

Claudia, you look fantastic.

Thanks, Jen.

Oh, thanks, Jen.

She looks like a million bucks.

Close.

There are so many rumors. I just have to ask, have you had plastic surgery?

Absolutely not.

I owe it all to one thing. Healthy living.

Healthy living and the fact that I sucked enough fat out of you to build

sister.

I despise plastic surgeons.

They're like vultures who profit off women's insecurities.

Excuse me? This is all from exercise and a healthy diet.

And anyone can get the same result by reading my new book, The Fantastic Me,

by taking my Fantastic Me line of natural herbs and vitamins.

Well, I'm glad we've put that rumor to rest.

Now about your hit and run.

She's using my work to hawk some bogus diet book?

Don't you worry about Claudia Penchant. You know what? We're gonna go on the

town. We're gonna have a great time. But first, I gotta change these damn pants.

This button is gonna blow if I eat a poppy seed.

I can't believe she's doing this.

What?

What? What's that smirk? What smirk? You think this is funny?

No, but you don't think you're overreacting just a little? I mean, you

a confidentiality agreement. What did you expect?

Well, I didn't expect her to take all the credit for my work and then make a

fortune off of it.

Now, that was a smirk.

Okay, but let's put this in perspective. There are people sleeping on park

benches, and you're upset because some actress is making a few bucks off your

work. Oh, I see what this is.

You're jealous.

Jealous? Yeah.

You've been like this all day, and I know what started it.

Seeing my plays.

It's insane.

Is it?

It's just one more thing that I have that you wish you had.

My apartment, my career, my women, this hair.

The hair in your ears or your nose?

Hey, that's genetic.

And it's coming for you, pal.

Do you actually believe that I'm jealous of your shallow, superficial life?

Yeah, I do. And I'll tell you something else.

I think you broke my command center on purpose.

Yeah, I said it.

You're out of your mind. Am I?

If you couldn't have it, no one could. Just like when we were kids and you

my air hockey.

You know what it was then?

Just hockey.

Sucky, boring hockey.

Yeah, you got me.

Every 30 years, I strike.

In the year 2035, you better not let me near your robot butler.

I won't.

And I'll have one.

All right.

I went ahead and changed my jacket, too. Do not spare my feelings. What do you

think, egomaniac jackass?

I had the same thought.

Hey,

Mom. Hi.

You were missed at dinner with Grandma last night.

I told you I had to work.

Yeah, so did Ben.

So I had Nana and... her helpful opinions all to myself.

As far as I could make out over the squealing of her hearing aid, Stuart was

prize, but I was a fool to leave him because I am, quote, no spring chicken.

And then the appetizers came.

I'm not in the best mood myself. Did you see who was just signing copies of her

bestseller at the bookstore on the corner?

Claudia Pension.

All those people were waiting for that hateful woman. They were spilling out on

the street.

I promised her and asked if it would stop traffic, but I never thought it

actually would.

Benji? Oh, hey, Mom. Hi, come join us.

Nothing.

Don't tell me you boys are still fighting.

Is that why you canceled on me last night, to avoid each other?

Well, that jealous baby started it. Oh, now, just stop.

There's enough name -calling in this family already, what with your sex

father and his brain -dead tramp.

Angie, Oliver told me you're still fighting.

Oh, did he? Yes, and he's devastated.

Your brother is a very lonely man.

I mean, you'd have to look at that apartment to see how much he's

overcompensated.

If someone has to be the mature one in this family, it's always been you.

Now, I know mothers aren't supposed to have favorites.

You get the picture.

Well, if he's really that upset.

Okay.

Well, I talked to him.

He's devastated.

Your brother is a very lonely man.

His wife just left him. He has nothing. You have this beautiful new apartment.

Oh, come on.

Someone has to be a mature one. That's always been you.

I know.

Mothers aren't supposed to have favorites.

I said too much already.

Well, if he wants to put this behind us...

I have to take this. Now, you boys talk.

I'm sorry.

I overreacted. No, it was my fault. It's been a bad week, and this great thing

happened at work, and I guess I felt a little ignored.

What happened at work?

Well, I've been counseling this couple for the past year, and they were really

on the rocks.

Anyway... They decided to renew their vows and they invited me. Oh, my God.

That's how I felt. It was a real affirmation. It's Claudia Penchant. I

away from the woman.

You're incredible.

I know. She's a masterpiece.

Nice talking to you, Ollie. Yeah.

What? Wait, where are you going?

Dan, what happened?

I don't know. Everything was fine. And then I looked away for a second when

Claudia Penchant walked in right there.

And then he got up and left.

He's so moody, I totally get why I'm your favorite.

Again with that dreadful woman. She's nothing but trouble.

You don't know the half of it.

I've had two clients cancel on me because they wanted to try Claudia's

I am Claudia's method.

She's costing you patience now? I've got to get out of here. See if I still have

a practice left. I'll walk with you.

Excuse me.

You don't know me, but my son, Oliver Barnes, is your plastic surgeon.

As a doctor, I would never violate your confidence.

But as a mother, I say shame on you for stabbing my son in the back after he did

such wonderful work on you. You are nothing but a two -faced fraud. And

forget who gave you the pretty one.

The dame's penchant.

I'm not Claudia Penchant. She is...

And who are you?

I'm Nancy Sellers from Newsweek.

Ready for our interview?

Oh, yeah.

Mom, are you coming?

You want to get a drink?

It's one o 'clock. I don't think I'm ready for a drink.

You will be.

I shouldn't barge in like this, but you haven't returned my calls in the last

few days.

I brought you a muffin basket.

Thanks. You can put it with the others you sent.

I even had trouble reaching your machine.

It's usually full by noon.

Claudia's lawyers, my lawyers, newspapers, newspapers, newspapers,

Nana.

As I think I said on the smoked meat basket, I'm just so deeply sorry.

I never should have... Oh, it's okay. It's okay. Come here.

I know you were just trying to be a good mom.

You know what?

It's my fault for bragging about Claudia in the first place.

Besides, what are the odds that you'd mistake an unknown reporter for one of

most famous actresses of her generation?

I read a lot.

Oh, so you heard from Claudia.

Yeah, she was here not half an hour ago with her lawyer.

They decided to drop the lawsuit. Oh, Oliver, that's great.

Not really. We agreed on a settlement instead.

She's taking the apartment.

Oh, my God.

Yep. It's all hers now.

The view, the aquarium, command center, stereo.

Stereo.

since we never had that champagne toast the other night, I invited everyone to

join us.

Thanks, guys.

Hey. Hey.

How you doing?

Better give Mom a hug. She feels worse than I do.

Yeah, I know. I got her a basket.

And there it is.

Now, this is what family is about, coming together in tough times.

I mean, no matter what happens with this myth pad, Shan, she can't take your

family. I mean, anything else in comparison is worthless.

Don't do it. She's taking the apartment.

Oh, my God, you're ruined.

Obviously, I'm going to help you out financially. No, Mom, I'm not going to

you do that. Until you get back up on your feet, you'll just come stay with

With you?

Yes, at least I could do it. All right, you'll take my room, I'll take the guest

room, and then we just have to make an arrangement for when you entertain your

lady friends.

Perhaps a code involving scarves?

Well?

Actually, Mom, Oliver's going to move in with me. Oh, no, no, no. This is all my

fault. We talked about it earlier. Since Naomi left, the place has been kind of

empty. I think it would be good for both of us.

Yeah, that's what we were thinking.

This is great.

We're all going to be in the same building. I don't even have to change

my pajamas to come visit you guys.

What was that scarf system you were talking about?

You know what? I'm taking you all out to dinner. We're going to Marino's. Oh,

all right. But after all this, I don't really have much appetite left.

Well, I do.

And if Gino was in the kitchen, I might just have to unbutton, unbuckle, and

unzip. And there goes the rest of it.

Thank you.

You didn't have to do that.

Yeah, I know.

But I haven't seen that much fear in your eyes since our exchange student,

Period.

Hey, forget it.

Look, you were right.

Sometimes I can get a little envious of you. Hey, I feel the same way about you

sometimes.

Really? Absolutely.

Huh.

Like when?

Oh.

You can get back to me on that.

You boys coming?

Yes, we are.

Could we just have one more moment alone?

Sure.

I meant me in the apartment.

Oh, right.

Thanks.

Why are we watching a Claudia

Pension movie?

Not the whole movie, just my favorite part.

In the next scene, the shark throws her up.

Actually, she kind of did me a favor.

Since word got out, she's become a walking billboard for my practice.

By this time next year, I'll be back on my feet in a new place, and I got one

word for you.

Grotto.

I'm going to bed.

Yeah, me too.

Can I say it?

Okay, but this is the last time.

Command center.

TV off.

She's really getting old.

Command center, make me some cocoa.

Now you're pushing it.