Original subtitles

I just picked a piece of toast under the jukebox if you want that, too.

Yeah, give me four.

Hey, Ollie, over here.

You really faded that last mile. I got tired of waiting, so I ordered. Hey,

Susie, a little more coffee.

That's not your food.

There's lipstick on the coffee cup, and you're not that kind of lesbian.

Wow, Ollie, she beat you again? Only because I got a cramp. Yeah, well, maybe

you shouldn't run when it's your time of the month.

Double or nothing, who's got the lower pulse? Okay, fine, but I don't trust

Ben. You do it. Here.

Okay. Don't press too hard on him. He bruises easily.

Make sure you work around her Adam's apple.

Oh, for God's sake. You two have to make a competition out of everything. You're

ridiculous. You're both sweaty. Who's sweatier? Stop it.

Now, psychologically speaking, obsessive competition between siblings often

masks... Oh, he's droning on like this. I may actually have to drink this

coffee, and there's gum in it.

What's this?

A classic brown paper bag. You know, psychologically speaking, a brown paper

often masks a deep -seated horniness.

Do you mind?

Nope.

Oh, Ben, that's disgusting.

A comic book?

Didn't Naomi cure you of that little habit?

Yeah, well, now she's gone, and I have a little more free time. Do you mind?

Comic books are so lame. When women see this, it's like, um...

What's that stuff that repels Superman?

Kryptonite. Ah, you just bunked the nerd test.

Ben, back on the dating market, a woman comes to the house, you really want that

on the coffee table? You might as well set out a cat -fancy magazine in a blood

-stained clown suit.

Look, I don't need your advice on how to live my life. Thank you.

Before you start calling people nerds, I wasn't the one who spent my Friday

nights with a medical journal memorizing all 33 bones in the human hand.

Actually, there are 27.

26. 27.

Distal phalanges, medial phalanges. I'm about to show you my third medial

phalange.

It's your father's week with Monty, so I requested we do the handoff down here.

Last time, his little girlfriend answered the door wearing a kimono so

could practically see Little Tokyo.

Monty, what's with the sweater? Is your blue blazer with the cleaners?

No, don't make fun of him. He's been down in the dumps.

I got him some toys to cheer him up. He's just been so depressed lately.

You don't think that's because you've got him dressed like Bill Cosby?

Hello.

Hello. May I talk to Mr.

Grumpy Pan?

Would a sad little doggie like to play?

Have you ever seen anything so pathetic?

No, I don't think I have.

He's just in this funk. I can't get him to move.

Hey.

Oh, yeah.

Poor boy. I hope he pulls out of it.

Has Monty always been this happy with you?

Yeah, he's a very happy dog.

Oh, my good boy, my favorite boy. What are you doing here?

It's your week with your favorite boy.

Don't tell me you forgot.

I did.

I forgot.

Yes, I did. You know what? I'm going to be away this weekend. It's my high

school reunion.

Matt DiDano, very sick. Might be my last chance to see him. You hate Matt

DiDano. You just want to show off your new midlife crisis arm candy.

And what would be so horrible if she put a smile on the face of a sick middle

-aged man?

She already has.

I would take offense, but I'm too busy smiling.

Come on, Michael. Come on, baby. Let's go.

Oh, I know. We can go to the dog park, and you can show all your friends your

new plastic play toy.

Just like Daddy.

Bye, Pop. Bye.

You and Crystal have a good time at the reunion.

Thanks. Oh, by the way, Matt Dodano, he's not really sick, is he? No, but he

will be.

Ollie, what are you doing here? I thought you had a date.

Jasmine had to work. I thought I'd take you out for a beer. Are you going to let

me in?

Actually, I wasn't expecting you here so early.

You devil. You got a little sweet action going on in here, don't you?

Yeah, so if you don't mind... Ben, get in here. Frodo and Gandalf are kicking

some major Nazgul ass.

You can go ahead and put that on mute, Ted.

Ollie, you remember my friend Ted?

Hey, Ollie, we're doing a Lord of the Rings marathon.

Oh, Ben.

Hey, it was a huge hit. It's not just geeks who watch it. Ben, you're out of

apple juice.

Hey, Arthur.

Long time no see.

Arthur, too?

Well, we had a lot of laughs when we were in high school, so when they

Yeah, turns out we're all single at the same time.

Isn't that weird?

Freaky.

Ben, you're a free man again. Do you really want to spend a Saturday night

watching a movie about midgets and pixies?

There are no pixies in Lord of the Rings.

There are elves, hobbits, orcs, ringwraiths, balrogs. We call her a

more in chamber than Azkaban.

That's a really good point.

Geek.

Excuse us.

Snap out of it, man. It's just a movie. That's how it starts. Then it's action

figures and trading cards.

Next thing you know, you're camping outside a movie theater sweating through

your Wookiee suit.

You need to meet some women.

Have some drinks. I'm having a few laughs with some old friends.

I'm not ready to date. And besides, we are drinking. Frodo's picking up the

ring. He's putting it on.

Do it.

Do it.

Drink.

You know, when I wished for two virgins on my couch, this is not what I had in

mind.

I'll just email it to you now.

Okay, bye.

I never get tired of this phone. It has so many features and such a small

little... There it is again.

You know what? I think that's me.

My God, that thing's tiny.

Yeah, a patient brought it back from Japan. I think it is the smallest phone

made. I hate my stupid phone.

Hello?

Say again?

One more time.

Hey, Ollie. Oh, I'm so glad you're here. We got a big problem with Ben.

I caught him with Ted and Arthur watching Lord of the Rings.

Oh, no.

He crossed back to the dork side?

We've got to find him a girl. I'm way ahead of you. I have the perfect

candidate, a patient I worked on last year, Svetlana. Oh, wow.

Ollie, I'm surprised she looks so sweet and down -to -earth. Definitely not your

type.

Oops, that's the before photo.

Good God, how did you stand up with those things?

Why does she need to?

You know, Ben is not going to fall for one of your shallow, self -centered boob

-sickles. And you could do better.

Yeah, yeah, as usual. There's a new nurse at the hospital. Smart, nice,

Yeah, sounds like a before photo to me.

A hundred dollars says Ben likes my girl better. All right, Ollie, you know

what? You always do this. You turn everything into a competition. And you

No, no. I don't start these little challenges.

I just win them.

Two hundred dollars.

Look, I know it drives you crazy that you never beat me, but let's be adults

here. Didn't Ben tell us he wasn't ready to date yet?

Let's just drop the stupid contest until he is. Now, if you don't mind, some of

us have lives.

Yeah, uh, Dr. Barnes, radiology, please.

It's Regina. You want to meet a great guy tonight?

My brother Ben.

Sorry, Dr. Barnes, we don't allow dogs.

Just pretend I'm blind.

I'll call you back.

Say again?

No, I'll call you back.

Stuart, you tricky bastard.

That was not my idea. That was my account. What?

Nothing.

We'll talk about that later.

Stuart, do you want to know how I spent my weekend?

wondering why our dog loves you more than he loves me.

So this morning I go to pick him up, I nearly put my back out.

So I weighed him.

This dog has gained six pounds since our divorce.

No wonder he likes you more than he likes me. You're stuffing him like a

sausage.

Halloween is coming and he's never going to fit into his pirate suit.

That is a harsh accusation, Lydia.

Stuart, you're holding meat under the table.

How do you know that I'm just not picking it up?

Madam, your pastrami.

No, no, no, Monty, no fat, no fat.

It's my phone.

Okay, where is my phone? It's on the floor.

I hear it, but I don't see it. Well, it's under the dog.

No, not under the dog.

Call the vet.

No, you call the vet.

He didn't choke to death.

Animal hospital.

69th and Lex. Step on it. Take the park. It's faster.

Your dog is ringing.

I know that.

Please, drive like you're fleeing a coup.

Oh, Stuart, this is all your fault.

How? You go to the dog all day long. No wonder he eats anything that falls in

front of him.

Dogs like to eat. It's one of the two hobbies they enjoy.

You had the other one removed.

God forbid.

This dog shouldn't love you every minute of every day.

Ooh, Monty, want a burger?

How about a pot roast? I know. I'll teach you to put your paw down your

and you can start this all over again.

He needed something to cheer him up after you got him all dolled up in that

sailor suit.

That was only for Fleetwick.

Do you know what kind of people dress dogs up?

Controlling people.

You're a little bit of a control freak. Oh, that's absurd.

I said take the park.

That's Crystal.

How do you know that?

I'm able to give different ringtones to different people.

Isn't that adorable?

What's my ringtone?

I don't recall.

Stuart, don't make me call the dog.

Okay?

I'm just going to grab my wallet and we'll go. You're going to love this

restaurant. Great. And I thought we could go back to my place for dessert.

Really?

Ever since I met you, I've been dreaming about us having dessert.

We are talking about dessert.

Maybe even a little whipped cream.

Fantastic.

Okay, this has happened to me before, and it didn't work out well, so I need

to be really clear.

I'm a model. I don't eat dessert.

Gotcha.

Hey, Ben. I thought you were out. I left my wallet here. You remember Jasmine?

Yeah, good to see you again. Hello.

Oh, this is Amy. Oh, Amy.

Very nice to meet you. This is Jasmine.

Hi. Hey, I'm glad to see you dumped the nerds. Unless, uh...

We were just trying to remember, what's that stuff that repels Superman?

I have no idea.

Nice work, buddy.

It's not what you think. Regina and I were going to the movies, and she

Amy along.

Regina brought her? Yeah. Sorry, guys, the ER is swamped. They really need me.

You should probably go to the movies without me.

Regina. Hey, Ollie.

You know, I left my wallet around here somewhere.

Regina, would you help me look?

Yeah, you better find that. You already lost $100. Or was it two?

What are you doing? Beating your ass like a drum?

Again?

We agreed not to fix him up. We had a deal. Hold on.

There's something in his forehead.

Looks like an L.

Ooh. It won't come off.

This is not over. Yeah, well, it will be in a minute when they go see Dead Gone.

Very scary.

Might be a lot of hugging.

Hey, you guys, better get going. You don't want to miss your movie.

Speaking of movies, I just saw a real stinker.

Dead Gone.

You knew in the first five minutes the mother was the killer.

Ollie, that's what we're going to see.

Oh, shoot!

I'm sorry, Ben. Now I've ruined your whole evening.

You know, Jasmine and I are going to this fantastic restaurant. Why don't you

join us? You don't mind, do you? I guess not.

Hey, hey, hey, there are other movies, okay? Just head on down to the

Hey, Ben. Ben! Ben!

Is this a new African mask?

That's pretty. I collect masks, too.

And hey, don't you guys both love music?

Who doesn't love music?

I don't know, but okay. Wow, that can't be good.

I'm sorry.

I'm feeling a little bit dizzy. I don't know if I'm even going to be able to

make it to dinner.

Wow, you're sick.

I think I might be.

Ben, maybe you and Jasmine should just go. Let me guess.

Maybe we should go to dinner without you.

Well, that's a little bit weird, but you guys do share that mask thing.

Okay, Ollie, Regina, may I speak with you, please?

Amy, you're a nurse. Maybe you could stay behind and take my vital signs.

How twisted are you? You're trying to set me up with your date.

No worries. I think this Amy girl's really digging me.

That's right, Ollie. You're just sleazy.

Oh, just because I messed up your little plan.

That wasn't set up. I knew it.

Oh, talk to my friend. See if she's a lesbian. Oops, gotta go.

Ah, the old Dyke and Dash.

I just thought you would like Amy. She's sweet, intelligent.

Jasmine's sweet and not intelligent.

Yes. That's what Ben needs right now, some vacuous bimbo. What Ben needs right

now is a great roll in the hay.

Yeah? Well, you know what? Word around the hospital is Amy's kind of a slut.

You should hear the word on Jasmine. She doesn't know how to spell no.

Oh, well, it sounds like your girl left.

That was your girl.

That was my girl.

You two are unbelievable.

You are a hyper -competitive lunatic. And you, you're just broken.

I was just trying to hook you up. With your own date.

Broken!

You don't care about me. You didn't care about either of those women. All you

cared about was winning some ridiculous contest.

What are you doing?

I have to get out of here.

Okay, we got a little carried away.

Yeah, we just wanted to help you find somebody and move on.

Oh, you two are trying to help me with my love life.

That's hilarious.

You've never had a relationship last more than six months, and you measure

with a stopwatch.

I have been with Naomi for seven years.

Seven years.

How many women have you two gone through in that time? A hundred?

Okay, that's a bad thing.

Just do me a favor.

And wait until you've made any kind of commitment to anyone before you tell me

how to live my life.

Ben, wait.

Which one would you have picked?

We've been here a long time. I'm hungry.

I still don't know how that ferret got to go ahead of us.

He must have known somebody.

You know what this reminds me of?

Huh?

Remember when Ollie was little?

You know, he spent that awful night in the ER after he broke his arm?

Buckle your seatbelts. Here we go again.

Do it, please.

Please. I'm not blaming you.

But what kind of parent would let a little kid...

skateboard down a slide just because a bigger, tougher kid did it first.

Regina made it look so easy.

You know what really got me, though?

It was the next morning. He woke up and he had that big cast in his arm and

guess who he wanted to go back to the park with?

You. The fun one.

Oh, I don't know about the fun one.

The pushover, maybe. No, no, no. You were the fun one.

I was to do your homework.

Eat your vegetables.

Stop that just because Daddy does it doesn't make it right once.

I think that's why all this business with the dog upsets me so much.

Even Monty thinks you're the fun one.

Lydia, I got to be the fun one with the kids because you did everything else.

You think just because I fed them ice cream for breakfast that they are the

wonderful, compelling young people they are today? No. You were a fantastic

mother.

Bet them ice cream for breakfast?

Exactly. Can you imagine having two of me for parents?

I can only imagine.

They'd be directionless, unemployed, morbidly obese, probably incarcerated.

Point taken.

And just so that you know, you could be fun, too, sometimes.

Really?

The fun one?

Remember when you let them slide down the hall in their socks?

I was just so happy that they were all home from college at the same time.

There he is.

Dr. Barnes, Monty was able to pass the phone.

He's going to be just fine. Great.

Oh, oh.

You see who he came to? He loves Mommy.

Oh, come on, baby. Let's get out of here.

Mama's going to buy you a new fall hat.

Lord, did you take my purse, please? Of course, of course.

Hey. Still mad?

No. Well, you're so sorry.

Oh, it's okay. I just needed to go for a walk, clear my head.

You know what? Let's just open up another bottle of wine and forget the

night.

All right. I think that's a great idea.

Ben, we just missed you in the lobby.

Yeah, we were at the video store across the street. They had the Planet of the

Apes box.

Yeah.

It's got all five movies plus four hours of extra footage.

Bloopers.

You know, I still have that dinner reservation.

Oh, it's a shame to waste it. Oh, come on, guys. These movies are classy.

I'm not that big a sci -fi fan. You never know, Regina. Maybe I can convert

You did convert me.

You can stare at me all you like. You're not getting any sympathy.

If it's too tight, it's your own fault, and you're going on a diet tomorrow.

I'm not looking at you.

All right, fine.

I guess you're right. It is a bit matching for me.