Original subtitles

So I should be back in the office by about 2 o 'clock.

Okay. Hey, buddy.

Boy, it's getting cold out there.

You know where else it's cold? The Will Call line in Madison Square Garden,

where I waited 20 minutes for you last night. Uh -oh.

Order the cheese, because here comes the wine.

I said I was sorry last night. I'm just getting tired of you flaking on me all

the time. You better not do that tonight.

I won't. Trust me. Come on.

What's tonight?

A cooking class, which I already paid for. Oh, right. No, no, no. I'm totally

there. Some guy was telling me that these things were supposed to be

with women.

Me. I told you that.

For God's sakes, Mom, let it go already.

I just don't know why you'd want to disfigure yourself.

It's a tiny tattoo on the small of my back. It happens to be the Chinese

for dignity, which appropriately you have put behind you forever.

I told you not to tell her about it. You knew about this? I told you not to tell

her you knew about it.

Does it matter to you that I think it's beautiful?

That's the infection talking.

You know what? I can't deal with you today. Let's just skip lunch. Fine. You

know, I think she did it just to annoy me.

And I think you're just jealous because now you're not the only thing

permanently on my ass.

I'm kidding.

Stuart. Did you know what your daughter did?

You mean that little tattoo? She gave into a whim. I've done that. A whim?

was a rash, foolish decision.

One day she's going to wake up and say, I am stuck with this thing for the rest

of my life. What was I thinking?

I've done that, too.

You know, Stuart, if you'd had that quick wit in divorce court, you might

have that beach house.

Darling, order me a coffee, would you please? Sure, ma 'am.

Hey, Benny Ben. Hey.

So what are you doing tonight, huh? There's a great fight on pay -per -view.

Oh, I've got plans with Ollie. You're not doing anything with Crystal?

Well, I love her dearly, but we're not joined at the hip.

Oh, of course, Ben.

I mean, you know, I don't see her every night. That's called marriage.

I get it, Ben. I didn't break out of prison in order to join a chain gang.

Is everything all right with you and Crystal? Yeah, fine. I just thought it

would be great to have an old -fashioned boys' night. That's all a little cigar,

a little whiskey.

It does sound fun, but Ollie and I are going to this pasta -making class. It's

great way to meet single women.

I have been to these classes.

It is not difficult to figure out which women are single and why.

Oh, come on. It's going to be a great fly.

Oh, I'd love to, Dad. I can't leave Ollie in the lurch.

Hey, come on. Let's order. I'm starving. Oh, thanks for the invite, but I'm

meeting a friend here.

You made plans with me.

Really?

I am so sorry. I wouldn't blame you if you were to just stand up and storm

out. You're not getting the table.

Fine. What time is the fight tonight?

I'll see you at seven.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, Benny Ben, you missed the first fight. Two ladies.

I didn't care for it.

I mean, you take away the mud and the pudding, it's just barbaric.

Dad, this is gonna be great.

Boxing, cigars, a room filled with testosterone.

Dad, I have coasters.

How'd you get in here anyway?

Ben. Oliver.

I thought we had cooking class.

You flaked on me.

You flaked on me?

Yeah, but for me, you expect it.

You were going to let me do that whole damn class alone?

No, of course not. I sent Mom in my place.

You sent Mom? Great. Now she's going to be there alone.

Actually, she's not.

Hello. I'm Vivian Strom, head chef of Cucina.

Now, what better way for friends and family to show their love than to

and eat a delicious meal together?

I'm going to kill Ollie and eat him.

Sorry about your crushing disappointment, darling. I know you

Oh, yeah, and you just lit up when I walked in here instead of Ollie.

Speaking of which... Would you just take their picture?

Yeah, well, if Ollie ruined my night, I might as well ruin his.

And send.

Hello. We couldn't help overhear that you two are mother -daughter.

And?

We're mother -daughter, too.

And?

Well, I'm Laura and this is Patty.

Guess which one of us is the mother?

All the time, and we find it helps to have a system. With us, I do all the

chopping, and Patty here's a whiz at grading.

Oh, something tells me you both have a flair for grading.

Now, at your workstations, you'll find everything you need to prepare an

authentic six -course Tuscan meal.

Wow, that's a lot to learn in an hour. Oh, no, no, this class is four hours.

Four hours?

All right, that's it. I'm out of here.

Come on, come on, come on.

What does it say about us?

that we can't even spend one evening together, you know? Come on, it might be

fun.

Four hours, Mom.

Maybe we should start small, like, I don't know, sharing the elevator out

Besides, I'm not really sure I fit in with this crowd.

Oh, here we go again.

This isn't my thing. I'm a lesbian. I'm too cool for this. I'm a lesbian.

Hello.

May I offer you some assistance?

Oh. Oh, please, I am just helpless in the kitchen. I need all the one -on -one

time I can get.

Well, Lydia, I'm going to make you my special project.

Great. I am all yours. Mold me.

You know, Mom, you're right. This might be fun.

Must be almost time for the main event.

Time, you say?

Let's check.

Check out the bling.

Bling. Is that a word I should be using?

It's not even a word he should be using.

I got it at Cartier.

What's the occasion?

See? That is the great thing about being single. You don't need an occasion.

So here's to guy's night.

To guy's night. All right. This is what it's all about.

You know, we could learn a lot from those two warriors.

No fear.

They take nothing from nobody.

I have to hide now.

Dad? Dad, what are you doing?

You just tell her I'm not here. Right.

Hey, Crystal.

Um, sorry to bother you. Have you seen your father?

Oh, no.

He told me not to come over because he was sick, so I thought I'd better come

right over.

He said he could take care of himself, but you know your dad. Oh. was putting

a brave face.

Hey, I got him a sandwich and a salad.

Oh, by the way, does this salad look like anything special to you?

No, why?

The man at the deli said the sandwich came with super salad.

It doesn't look too super to me.

Actually, Crystal, let it go, buddy.

I'll just run this upstairs. Okay, bye.

Dad, what's going on?

Okay.

Last week, I needed a plumber. So I loaned Crystal my key so she could let

in. Uh -oh.

She thinks you gave it to her, doesn't she?

Yeah, now she uses it to pop by in the morning, to pop by at night, not to

mention that we spend all day together in the office.

Okay, Dad, there's a solution to this. Yes, it's called a 24 -hour locksmith.

I can't do that. I adore Crystal.

But remember when I said we don't spend every night together?

We spend every night together.

Dad, I see this a lot in my practice. If you think things are moving too

quickly, be honest.

Tell Crystal how much she means to you. Be sensitive, but also... Wrong!

You start talking feelings with a woman, you can't win.

She'll twist your words around and somehow you end up apologizing.

That's insane.

I'm not surprised you'd say that. You never take what I say seriously.

Because it's nonsense.

Well, it's not nonsense to me. And when you just dismiss it like that, it really

makes me feel like... Okay, okay, I'm sorry. See?

Apologizing.

If you want your key back, just tell her you're not comfortable with her having

it. Well, that's going to be a little difficult, but I'm going to tell her

Just one more round. Forget the fight, Dad. Do it now.

I meant the whiskey.

Regina sending me a picture.

Oh, she and mom was being held.

Could be worse.

Could be us in that class.

Chopping vegetables with a bunch of old... Oh, no!

Stuart, you're sick. You shouldn't be out.

I thought that the fresh air would do me good. So, why are you smoking a cigar?

It's cold out.

And the smoke warms my lungs.

Well, you're the doctor.

Anyway, I left you some dinner, and I fanned out all your magazines, just like

at the office.

Thank you so much.

Crystal, look, there's something I need to say. Mm -hmm.

Your having my key makes me feel weird.

Oh, you know what? Huh? It makes me feel weird, too.

It does?

Yes. I know... It's just a key, but it's so much more.

Exactly.

So, here.

I am so glad that we're on the same... There are two keys here. Yes, because my

apartment has two locks, one at the top...

I think I have to lie down.

Oh, lovey. Here.

Oh, no, don't worry.

We'll use my key.

Mother, this pasta is perfect.

I don't get it.

Why isn't ours turning out like theirs?

You're pulling it too fast. You just said I was going too slow. Oh, it's

How am I supposed to work with this ridiculous crank?

I've been asking myself.

the same question all night.

You'll get it. Just take your time.

Remember, the hurrieder you go, the behinder you get.

I'd like to get behinder with this, you know what I mean?

Is everything okay here?

Oh, Ashley, we could use a little help, Vivian. Please, call me Viv.

Okay. Viv, call me Lyd.

We can salvage this. Just need a little more flour.

Now start kneading the dough.

Uh -huh.

Just feel it between your fingers.

Uh -huh.

You're getting it.

Uh -huh. You paying attention, Regina?

I can't look away.

You know, my husband and I used to come to your restaurant all the time. So you

were married. Oh, yeah. 35 years. Boy, was that a mistake.

Ran there, sister.

Oh, boy.

I guess my mom really needed it, huh?

Smile.

Hey. Hey, how'd it go?

I took your advice, Ollie.

I told her that her having my key made me feel weird, and she said she felt the

same way.

Then she gave me her keys.

Nicely played, Crystal.

Now here's your next move. You don't get a next move. You're out.

You're in.

And make it snappy. I told her I came down here to borrow your electric

I was thinking of using it in the tub.

Okay, calm down, Dad. You need to honor Crystal's feelings. Tell her you value

your relationship so much you want to give it space to grow.

Then, when she starts to snore, grab your key and run.

I was thinking you should also borrow their...

What are you drinking?

Cough medicine.

That's an awfully big bottle.

That's the way they sell it at Costco.

Do you know that they have a chapstick there the size of a flashlight?

Stuart, I know there's whiskey in that glass. Are you even sick? No, I don't

want to do this here. Not in front of the boys.

Okay. Now it's fine.

I'm not sick.

What I am is nervous.

About what?

Can we sit down?

Okay.

Crystal, you know how I feel about you. You are so thoughtful. You're beautiful.

You're warm.

We spend a lot of time together. A lot of time together. And I, um...

It's so hard to find the right words.

Here. Oh, my God, you're proposing!

What? I knew something was up when I saw that receipt from Cartier on the

dresser. Watch.

Watch. I'm watching Darlene go on.

This is a very, very big decision.

And we shouldn't rush into this, so I won't. I'm just going to go get a glass

water. Crystal Barnes.

Wow. It sounds like a fancy dairy farm.

Did you hear that? Yeah, Dad, here's your water.

How could she think I was proposing?

Because you went down the feelings road. Never go down the feelings road.

I should never have given her the key.

I should never have called the plumber.

I would be a free man today if I was just willing to jiggle that damn handle.

Okay, Dad, listen.

What, more burden to face? One more word out of you two and she will be knocked

up.

Stuart? Yes, my sweet petite?

Nobody has ever meant as much to me as you do.

I've dreamed of this day.

I've dreamt of it, too. This is usually where I wake up.

Marrying you would make me the happiest woman in the world.

And yet... Yet?

There's a yet?

You haven't even been divorced a year. I think you should have some time. I

think we should wait until you and I both know that it's not test on the

rebound.

You are so...

I really think we've made the right decision.

Me too.

I guess it wouldn't hurt if we had just one little peek at the ring.

It might.

No, come on, come on. You know what?

I don't want you to change your mind for the wrong reasons. Oh, just one little

peek. Too late, it's already in the pocket.

I think I'll just go upstairs and make us some dinner.

Um... Are you sure you're not upset?

Upset?

Crystal, I have never loved you more than I do at this moment.

What happened?

She turned me down.

wrong. I love Crystal, but I love my freedom, too. And I still have it, my

freedom. So?

Back to guys' night. Oh, I can't. She's making me dinner.

Oh, great. It's Regina sending another picture.

Why did we ever blow off that cooking class?

It's coming in slowly.

Two ladies.

Can't make out the faces yet, but so far, me likey.

Nice bodies.

And, uh... Oh, no!

Regina.

Lid.

This lasagna is perfection.

Thank you, Biff.

It is good. I think we learned something in this class. Yes, we learned that

cooking is a matter of getting the best ingredient and then getting the hell out

of the way while the professional does the rest.

The sauce has a strange bite to it. We know.

Is there paprika in this? And plenty of it.

So, Lydia, I'd love to cook for you sometime at my place.

Oh, I'd love that. Great. I'll call you.

Maybe next Monday night? Oh, fantastic.

God.

She is so nice.

You know, I don't even know that her restaurant was open on Monday night.

It's not, Mom. You just made a date with her.

Excuse me?

It was nice to meet you both, and I'm so happy about you and Vivian.

She's been so lonely since Thelma left.

No, no, no, no. I know. I'm not. It's okay.

We think lesbians are neat.

It's one of the reasons we come into the city.

Also, the musical theater, which, as you know, is very popular with the other

half of your community.

Everybody here thought I was gay?

What, does that embarrass you? No, no, no, it doesn't make me question these

earrings.

Come on, Mom, admit it. It freaks you out that people thought you were a

lesbian. Just surprised, all right? We don't have to have a big discussion

it. Oh, we never do, do we?

What's that supposed to mean?

We've just never talked about me being gay. Well, darling, you know that I

support you in anything that you do, and anything that makes you happy makes me

happy.

Yeah, the official response from the perfect parent handbook.

What do you think?

I guess I've always felt that underneath all that acceptance, you were just a

little disappointed.

Do you really think that?

Well, aren't you?

Regina, when you came out, I have to confess I wasn't thrilled, but it wasn't

out of disappointment. I mean, it was ever since you were a little girl.

I always thought I knew how your life would unfold.

That you go to college and med school and you get married and have kids.

Just like you, huh? Mm -hmm.

And I thought I knew how to help you get those things, but then your life just

took this left turn into a world I know nothing about.

Well, Monday night should catch you up.

I never stopped wanting what was best for you. I just stopped knowing what

was.

Did I just hear you admit that you don't know what's best?

Yeah.

Well, I hope you enjoyed it, because you're not going to be hearing again

anytime soon.

I just want you to find someone. Now, what about Chef Vivian?

She's a bit older, but she can cook.

I'm not thinking you're left over.

I can't believe you talked me into coming here.

This is a disaster.

Come on, I wouldn't call it a disaster.

Well, I would. None of these women are exactly screaming, I'm young, I'm hot, I

need a man tonight.

Let's give it another five minutes.