Original subtitles

Okay, boys, I really need you. I'm taking Crystal out to dinner. Which tie

wear? I'd wear this one and give Crystal that one as a blindfold.

Dad, you're not going to the hospital fundraiser? Oh, no.

I'm taking her to the Tavern on the Green for a little makeup dinner because

had a mishap in the bedroom last night. Okay, I don't think we need to... Oh,

no, no, no, no, it wasn't that.

We were talking and I was drifting off to sleep and Crystal said, good night,

Stuart, and I said, good night, Lydia.

Ouch. Well, you know, she was upset, and so we talked about it, and then I went

back to sleep, and apparently she was still talking about it.

Oh, man.

I bet she woke you up after that.

Well, no. Technically, the floor woke me up.

But anyway, you know, it's nothing that, like, a really fancy dinner and a few

well -timed man tears can't fix.

Oliver, you look very snappy.

Is that a new text? Yeah.

I'm bringing a date tonight. Sophie, the pharmaceutical rep. Oh, good for you.

There isn't a doctor in that hospital that hasn't tried to hit on her. And

failed. That's why I'm going the whole other way.

I'm just enjoying your company. I don't even think of her sexually.

I can't even say that.

Wait a minute. I don't understand.

You like her, and yet you're not going to make a move?

Oh, it's all part of his brilliant plan.

And it's going to work. Yeah.

She'll get so crazy waiting for me to make my move that she'll make one first.

And when a woman makes the first move, watch out.

How long have you been waiting? A little longer than I thought.

About six days long. Yeah, you didn't ask for a number, Ben.

Trust me, she'll come around. Of course she will, because it's you.

All right, you know what? I have to run downstairs and get some flowers for

Crystal. She loves tulips. Really? Because Mom's favorite is tulips.

Sunflowers. Damn it, sunflowers!

Boy, the hoops you two guys jump through for your women. I tell you, at times

like these, I'm glad I'm flying solo.

Benji, come on. We set 7 o 'clock at 7 .10. The car is double parked. Let's go.

Have a safe flight.

Oh, Ben, I can't tell you how happy I am to be here with you instead of your

father. He practically tackled every waiter who passed by with a shrimp.

Ben. Oh, these are good.

Lydia.

Oh, hi, Elliot.

Look at you showing up with an attractive young date.

Now I'm afraid this is my son.

Well, that's who I was talking to.

Oh.

Oh, charming.

Oh, Ben, this is Dr. Hellerman. Nice to meet you. He's the hospital's leading

urologist.

Well, I'm going to go check out the silent office.

See you later.

Okay.

Boy, he cleans up pretty good.

Let's hope so.

Yeah, hang on to these for me, would you? And I'll get us a refill.

Okay.

Ben, black shoes with a brown purse. What were you thinking?

It's Mom's purse.

Yeah, that takes the stink off.

This is really so nice. Thank you for inviting me.

Oh, sure. I was going to bring my friend Mark, but then I thought...

What about Sophie?

Oh, look.

They're auctioning off apple picking in the Berkshire Mountains.

Apple picking?

It includes a one -night stay at the Colonial Inn. Here we could make a

out of it. It'd be fun.

A weekend?

Well, I do love apples.

Especially the ones that are so ripe they practically fall right into your

Let me just put a little bit down.

Do they have a hot tub?

Just to be on the safe side, let's round that up.

I'm going to go get us another drink. Oh, thanks, buddy.

Look, Grandpa, someone else is bidding on our apple trip. Don't worry, Billy.

Pardon me.

Grandpa, I really want it. Well, I took your dad there, and I'll take

you.

Well, I guess we both want this.

Mr., uh...

Chadwell, that's a coincidence.

The old dinosaur put up the money for the hospital Wednesday.

Yes, he is.

Did we get it?

Oh, we will. But did you happen to notice the Peekskill Dude Ranch package?

Oh, well, if it's too much, we don't have to go. No, no, no. You're getting

those apples.

Well, now, that's just moronic.

Come on, Billy. I'll buy you a pony.

How's the grand plan going now?

Woo -hoo, looks like more of a three grand plan.

Well, at least I'm not on a date with my mother.

Will you stop saying that? Okay.

You're not on a date. You're more like an old married couple.

You should bid on that Hawaii trip. You and Mom can renew your vows.

You know what? I don't think one Friday night is too much to spend with the

woman who raised us. And we are not an old married couple.

Van, I'm feeling a little breeze back here. Could you check my zipper?

You're good.

Lydia, congratulations.

Your bid beat mine for this season's tickets.

Oh, Ben, look what we won.

We? The Best of Broadway package.

Package? New tickets every Friday night for 12 hit shows.

I don't believe I won.

I'd say Ben is the winner.

Oh, look, the first show is Mamma Mia.

Oh, great, the dancing's started. Oh, Ollie, come on, do your old mom a favor.

Hold my drink.

Hey, Ben, what's up? Oh, hey, I'm meeting Mom.

Well, spend the night with a woman. Least you could do is buy her breakfast.

Ollie told me.

I'm glad you find this funny.

No, come on.

Sit.

You know, on the bright side, if this works out, Mom won't have to change the

name on her check. Okay.

I'm done. I'm done.

I love Mom, but she's hijacked my social life. I was about to ask. Cute neighbor

girl in for a drink. And Mom shows up with a pint of ice cream in Bridget

diary. One and two.

You have got to break up with her.

Break up with Mom? How can I do that?

Then she's got you booked for the next 12 Fridays.

I know. That's why I'm asking, how can I do that?

You have come to the master. I have been through this quite a bit.

Dumping or being dumped? Look, do you want my help or not?

First off, Be quick.

The more you talk, the madder they get. Also, don't say, it's not you, it's me.

It is them. It's always them. They know it.

And do it in private.

Okay? Seen in your apartment, no big deal.

Seen in a Cuban restaurant with your angry six -foot Latina girlfriend, it's

very big deal.

Good luck.

Hey,

Mom. Hey, kid.

It's not Regina. Can you stay for a cup of coffee? No, but I'll catch you on the

rebound. Okay.

big hit at the fundraiser last night that Duffy's absolutely adored you.

We have an invitation for their weekly Saturday game night.

Weekly Saturday?

Yeah. I had exactly the same thought. Thank God it wasn't Friday, huh?

So, what do you say that we meet Saturday afternoon and go over our

signal?

Mom, we need to talk.

We can't, darling. It's charade.

No. Now, you're a terrific lady.

Oh, thank you, Ben.

You're a fantastic fella.

And I've really enjoyed the time that we've been spending together.

You know me, too. I think it is just great that we've been able to help each

other through our respective divorces.

Yeah. Yeah.

The thing is... I've been really busy at work.

Crazy busy.

Uh -huh.

And... I just don't want that thing to happen where you call me and I don't

you back and you're wondering, is he blowing me off?

If I didn't know better, I think you were breaking up with me.

You're a terrific lady.

Oh, dear God, you've got to be kidding.

Mom, it's just, I just think that maybe you should find someone else instead of

using me as a crutch to avoid... Yeah, like support.

Crutch? Yeah, but like something great to lean on. No, no, no. Let me

this. So all the time we've been spending together that I thought you

enjoying as much as I was, you are in fact suffering through out of pity for

your crippled, broken mother, whom you're now dumping.

I never said dumping. But you said crutch.

Benjamin, it might interest you to know that Dr. Hillerman called me this

morning and we're having dinner together tonight.

Oh, yeah, I kind of wish you'd led with that.

I want to thank you so much for a delicious cup of coffee, but I really

getting back to the office. Oh, look, it's a miracle. She can walk.

I sent her two messages. She hasn't called me back.

Ann, don't beat yourself up.

There'll be other moms.

Sophie!

I can't tell you how proud I am of the way I handled this.

I've really gotten to know her and enjoy her company.

At this point, I don't even care if we have to. I nearly got it out.

Oh, hi.

Hello. Hi, Ben.

Hi. You excited for our weekend?

Oh, my gosh. I can't stop thinking about it. Me neither.

Ben, I have to tell you, your brother is just the most special person.

I've known so many guys, you know, they're total jerks. Only after one

one thing on their mind.

I don't even want to hear it. I get so angry.

See how different he is?

He's just really been such a great friend to me.

Well, if you don't have friendship, what do you really have?

You know, for a while there, I thought about putting the moves on him.

And then I thought, this could be the best friend that I have ever had.

What am I doing?

What are you doing?

This is the in -calling. I had to confirm that we had a second room.

Did you know they were going to put us in one room?

How awkward would that have been?

Well, you thought it wasn't happening to you until this weekend. Just happened

to you now.

Now I've got to unload this damn apple trip.

Hi, darling.

Hey, Mom.

Benjamin.

Mom, how was your date with Dr. Helen?

It was lovely. Thank you very much.

He seemed to enjoy my company, although, of course, he could have been

pretending. Some men have been known to do that.

Hey, guys.

Guys, have you seen Crystal? I was supposed to meet her out front so that

could celebrate.

Celebrate what? I have no idea.

But after I called her Lydia, I'm not asking.

Is it your anniversary? How long have you two been dating?

About six months. I mean, who celebrates a six -month anniversary?

The same woman who hired a harpist for your monthiversary.

Oh, I'm a dead man.

Oh, there she is.

Oh, she's carrying a gift. I don't have a gift.

Dad? Yeah?

Do you like apples? I do.

Do you like romance?

I do. Do you like the country air?

I have allergies.

But you like apples, right? Yeah.

Ben. Oh, Dr. Hellman, hi.

Is that your mom over there? I hope she's feeling better.

What do you mean?

We were supposed to have dinner last night, but she canceled. Said she wasn't

feeling well.

Really?

Well, she's better now. You should stop by and say hello.

Well, let me just take my coat off. Yeah.

Mom, I know you're still mad at me, but I'm sorry. I'd really like to put this

behind us.

Okay, darling.

Somebody has to be the bigger person.

Great. So, tell me about your date.

It was lovely.

We went to a charming French bistro on West 12th Street and had a lovely menu.

Really? What did you have?

I had the coquille Saint -Jacques and a little poussin with beurre noisette and

a very, very nice parfait.

That sounds great.

Oh, it was.

I'm glad to see that you're feeling better. Oh, I'm much better. Thank you

much. Call me if you're free sometime.

Maybe we can go to that place that you were just describing.

Absolutely.

Are you sure you're feeling better? You look a little queasy.

Just be quiet, you smug little whelp.

It just didn't feel like going on a date last night. Then why did you say you

did? Because I knew you'd put on your therapist cap and just make too much of

it. Mom, I get it. It's your first date. It's completely understandable if

you're a little afraid.

Benjamin, I just cracked open the chest of the ambassador from Turkmenistan.

I don't get scared.

Fine. Then ask him.

I will. I'll call him as soon as I get home.

Mom, he's sitting right over there. Go.

Look, he's with someone, he's on the phone, and he's eating.

Now, with his entree due any minute?

Go.

All right.

Why don't you just call Sophie and tell her you don't want to hang out anymore?

I don't know.

There's a part of me that feels like if I'm patient, I still might have a chance

with her.

Hey, Ollie, it's Sophie.

Give me a call, will ya? I met this guy I really like, but I think he's got a

girlfriend. Why do I always fall for the bad boys?

That's me! I'm the bad boy!

Quick, I need dirty laundry. That's clean.

I just saw a cute neighbor girl heading down to the laundry room.

This is my shot.

Ben, hold on. Let me tell you a little something about how to get a woman.

Hey, Ollie, it's Sophie.

Okay. Good luck to you.

Oh, get this.

You know that date Mom went on last night with Elliot Hellerman?

She faked it. Oh, good God. Did she have to tell you everything?

whole date.

She chickened out, lied, and then said she went.

You're kidding me.

She was scared?

Yeah. But you've been proud of me. I gave her some tough love and made her

reschedule for tonight.

Are you sure that was a good idea?

What? You two are the ones who are always telling her she needs to start

Yeah, before we knew it scared her so much.

I've never seen mom scared of anything.

This is the woman who backed over her own carjacker.

You really can't blame her for being nervous. She hasn't been on a date since

she was 20. What if it's a disaster?

Yeah, she could freak and give up on dating entirely.

Or she could learn something and get right back up on that horse.

Remember when Mom actually bought a horse, huh, and signed up for those

lessons? Yeah, she got on, fell off, then sold the horse, the saddle, the

clothes, and burned her copy of Seabiscuit.

Okay, so Mom doesn't cope well with failure, but this is not a horse, it's a

guy. Well, let's hope she doesn't get on him and fall off.

Look, I do this for a living. You are not going to make me second -guess

She is a grown woman who is ready to move on with her life, and so am I.

They had a mom for us.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Hey, Mom. Benjamin, what are you doing here? I just wanted to come by, make

you're okay.

Oh, yes, no, I'm fine.

Why shouldn't I be fine? Don't I look fine? No, no, no, you look great.

It's just you haven't been on a date in a while, so I thought I'd come by and

bolster your confidence.

Here's a little tip.

Telling me you need to bolster my confidence doesn't bolster my

Look, Mom, I know you're nervous, but don't be. You are a wonderful dinner

companion, really. What could go wrong?

I thought you should mention that, because I have given that a little

Let's see, I could trip, I could sweat.

I could just have nothing to say, or I could just jabber on like an ape, which

I've just proved I'm totally capable of doing.

Or you could have a wonderful time. Oh, yes, and then while I'm having my

wonderful time, he could be staring at his watch.

What are we going to talk about?

You're a pretty cardiologist. Talk about that.

His wife died of a heart attack.

Look, Mom, if you're nervous, it's not too late to cancel.

It'll be fun.

Well,

you know something?

At this point, I just consider myself lucky if I just remember his name.

Elliot.

Hey, Mom. What, what, what, what?

Oh, we just came by to wish you luck, too. Yeah, you're going to be great.

Are you sure about that scarf?

What's wrong with the scarf?

Nothing, if you plan on riding a mechanical bull.

Well, darling, if you're through bucking me up, I've got a date to disappoint.

Mom, you're a total catch with or without the scarf.

Of course, if I was voting. All right, all right, all right. I'll lose the

scarf. My goodness.

Benjamin, did you tell the entire world about my date? No, no, Mom, it's just

us. Well, please don't tell your father.

He's celebrating his sixth month of earthery, and if this doesn't go well, I

don't need him knowing that I can't even get through one date.

Mom, it's going to go well. You look fantastic.

Elliot's the luckiest man in New York to have you on his arm tonight.

Oh.

Ollie, you always know what to say.

If I could just offer one word of advice.

If you think you just want to be his friend, cut it off early.

Because he doesn't want to be your friend.

You guys don't really need any more friends.

So before he buys an overpriced vacation package and hires a skywriter to fly

over an apple orchard, which I forgot to cancel, damn it! Okay, Ollie, she gets

it. All right, listen, I want to thank you all.

so much for coming over here. You're just terrific kids, and I love you so

Now get out.

Yeah,

we'll take the back door. You're gonna be great.

Just don't get the lobster unless you're prepared to, uh... Just don't get the

lobster.

Mom, coffee tomorrow?

I'd love it.

Hi.

Wait, you didn't get the message?

Crystal and I are going out of town, and I was hoping you could take Monty. No,

no, I didn't get the message, but that's fine. That's fine, but I am going out.

Yeah, gotcha. Well, I'll just be the door. No, no, no, no, I'll do that. I

where all the bowls are. Yes, they're right in there.

Oh, exactly.

I forgot you knew that.

You look wonderful.

I do?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, well, you know, I have a meeting at the hospital.

On Friday night?

What? National Heart Health Awareness Day.

And night.

And then I have to say a few words, and you know how nervous I always get. Oh,

that's very natural.

May I?

You know, it's been a long time since you and I have been in a meeting

but my instinct is you're going to be great.

Do it.

I'm going to go feed the dog.

You look beautiful. Oh, thank you so much.

Well, I had a great getaway weekend with you.

Apple of your eye?

No, no, no. You are the cutest.

Okay, okay, okay. It's a tie.

Now, I love you, too.

All right, sleep well.

Goodnight Lydia.