Original subtitles

I'm so glad we're having lunch. Seems like we never really have a chance to

like this.

Oh, look,

it's going up.

That's right. We can ride it up and then take it back down.

We could just walk one through.

Oh, yeah.

Barb, you remember my son, Ben.

How are you holding up, dear?

Fine. Listen, when you just want to talk, you know, just between us girls,

give me a buzz.

Extension 113.

Barb McGee, 113.

Nicely.

It's out.

What's that? Your father's little romance with Crystal. You heard the

tone in that woman's voice. She's the biggest gossip in the hospital. She's

going to tell everyone.

I'm sure it's nothing bad.

Oh, hi, Lydia. How are you?

Great. Nice.

See? Up the elevator.

Dr. Byrne.

Crystal.

Hello. Crystal.

Awkward.

Oh, this one's going up. I want it to go down.

Such a waste.

Looks like we both made the same mistake.

And here he is.

Oh, this one looks full. I think I'll take the next one. Or this one.

Penny then.

Boy, am I lucky, huh?

I'm in the elevator with two gorgeous, vivacious... Just watch the numbers,

I will.

At least we're going down now.

Of course you put on a brave face, but you could see. Tell you that.

Hello again.

There you are.

Stuart.

Hi. Oh, Christa.

Trust me, she knows.

Come on, scoot back a bit. Oh, actually... Dr. Barnes?

Oh, isn't she the one whose husband was...

Dr. Barnes, I got your menu for my party, and frankly, Enrique, I am not

thrilled. You may call it pollo frito, but I know a chicken finger when I see

one.

Call me. Bye. You having a party, Mona? Yes.

Friday night, to some of the people from the hospital.

What's the occasion?

Well, you're in that nightmarish elevator ride.

I'm just going to show people that I'm fine with Stuart and his little toy, and

they can just stop pitying me.

You ever think they're just trying to be nice?

Usually, Benji, I appreciate your naivete.

But for today, can we just zip that right up?

So, Mom, do you want us to come to the party? You know, be there for you? Oh,

yes, absolutely, Ollie. You too, Ben.

Hello.

Regina, you know, yes, but you do have a history at my parties. The time she got

in that huge fight with Maxine? It was the diff we made up. Yes, on top of the

coat.

What about the time when she dressed up as a dominatrix? Uh, it was a costume

party. With a Christmas theme, angels and elves.

I was going for naughty.

Yes.

And we got a rental Santa with a lap no one could sit on.

Anyway, I, uh, I gotta go.

Um, look, Mom, if you don't want me to come... Oh, of course I want you to

Regina. Please, don't be ridiculous.

Okay. No, I mean at the party. Try not to be ridiculous.

Hello, Lydia.

Oh, hi, Ron.

I think you know Oliver, but you haven't met my younger son, Ben.

This is Dr. Barth. He's new at the hospital.

Do you mind if I steal your hot sauce?

Well, if you ask, it's not stealing.

Well,

nice scene.

You see that?

More pity. That wasn't pity. He was flirting.

Definitely. Oh, no, he wasn't. Mom, look who you're talking to.

That was flirting.

That guy is into you. First, he invents a reason to come by the table.

It's a classic psychological ploy. He's protecting his... Please, Ben, your

brother's talking.

Okay, he laughed at what you said. Why? Because it was funny?

No.

Because I gave him an excuse to touch you. Do you know how many times I've

that? I once laughed at a woman who said, Hey,

you should ask him to be your date to your party. That would really show

everyone that you're doing all right. That is a great idea.

Mom,

you can do this.

Don't allow your insecurities to become a moat around your emotional castle.

You have to be vulnerable.

Please,

I will. Anything but listen to that.

Oh, or do you want your hot sauce back?

Oh, thank you.

Actually, no.

Now that I'm here, I'm having a party Friday night for some people from the

hospital, and it's something that I do from time to time, and I'm told with

great success.

And I would just love it if you would come as my special guest.

I'd like that.

Oh, fine. Good.

They grow up so fast.

He said yes.

He said yes.

I told you, Mom. This is awesome.

Hi, guys.

Oh, hey, Dad. Hey, Mom.

You know what? If you really want to show people you're okay with Dad and

Crystal, why not invite them to your party, too? That's great.

No, I couldn't do that. It might put your father in an awkward position.

Stuart?

Stuart, I'm having a party Friday night, and I would love for you and Crystal to

come. Well, that sounds very festive. Just tell me what deserted wharf you

us at and we'll be there midnight sharp.

Stuart, I'm serious. I'm bringing a date. Why shouldn't you?

You have a date?

Yes. Nothing serious yet.

Oh.

Well, then fine. Sure, we'll be there.

But boy, you know, I always figured that the first time you and Krista were at a

social function together, I'd be there in a box.

Friday, then. I'll be there.

You good? You good? Great. Very nice.

Oh, I just need to have a nap today. Not you, Mom.

Tina? Oliver. I haven't seen you in ages.

Yeah, so hard at work or hardly working?

That is so funny.

I haven't ever heard that one before.

You ever notice for every picture of me, there's like five of Oliver?

My God, I was cute.

Hey, here's one of you with Mom playing princess.

No, that was me.

She told me I was a wizard. A pink wizard?

Forgive me for being the daughter she never had.

Dress or no dress, I can still kick your ass. Oh, yeah, tough talk from Harriet

Potter.

You like that? Yeah, I like it. Oh, hey.

Regina started it. I know that.

Regina, now, what did I say about behaving yourself at my party? Please,

no time to beat up your brother.

Oh, okay. Hey, get those nuts off the floor.

Hi, Barb. Hi, Ed.

Oh, good.

I hate a crowded party.

Regina, please, offer Barb some nuts.

I remember you.

Yeah, yeah. I was the attending the night you came in the ER with that

ankle. No, I meant Lydia's Christmas party. You came as a sex maniac?

The ones on the top are the best.

So, Lydia, everyone's buzzing about this new man of yours. Is he here yet?

Well, no, not yet. But anyway, there's the bar. Oh, what am I saying? You

find it.

Excuse me, is there a doctor in the house?

Oh, Ron.

Ron, that is so funny.

Boys, you remember Dr.

Barker, my hot coffee?

Lydia, this is Liz McCarthy.

Oh, hello.

Nice to meet you. Who are you here with? I'm Ronald's secretary.

And fiancé.

Isn't that wonderful?

Boys, you hear that?

Would you please join me in the kitchen?

No.

Would you excuse us, please?

I want to thank you both for that wonderful advice.

Oh, go, go talk to him, Mom.

He's flirting, Mom. We know flirting, Mom.

Oh, do you realize everybody in there thinks I have a date?

Just tell him he couldn't make it. Oh, yeah, right, right. This party was

intended to restore my reputation.

I can't go in there and announce I've been stood up.

Okay, look.

Ben and I will find you somebody.

We'll call some guys we know.

Old guys.

Older guys.

Get one to come for a drink and then be on his way. Just tell them that he's

stuck in traffic in his sports car.

Oh, that's insane. I think it's a perfect stranger to be my date.

Lydia.

I just wanted to tell you how great the apartment looks.

There's something to be said for not having a man around to clutter things

Don't just stand there. Go get me a body.

I can't just hide in here, Mom.

I'm so tired of people telling me they're dying to meet my date. Hell, I'm

to meet my date.

It's funny being at one of your parties and not being the one you're mad at.

It feels kind of weird. It's going to feel even weirder in ten minutes when I

dress you up like a guy and tell everyone you're my boyfriend.

Oh, please, God, let this be the boys.

Lydia, these oysters are wonderful.

Do you have any hot sauce?

What are you, an addict?

Oh, hi.

Crystal and Stuart.

Oh, I am so sorry we're late. Oh, no, no, no. Dr. Barnes, I brought you some

scented bath.

So, Stuart really likes the way they smell.

In the store.

Why, sure.

Well, thank you very much, and please call me Lydia. Okay.

Lydia, you're so strange calling me that to your face.

Honey, can I fix you a... It's a nice party.

I know it couldn't have been easy for you inviting me here.

Well, it couldn't have been easy for you getting into that dress.

I'm sorry, Jack. Give me a minute.

You couldn't find anyone?

I called every middle -aged man I know and asked them if they were free

Most of them thought I was asking them out, and some of them said yes.

So, Lydia.

Oh, kill me. Just kill me now.

Come in.

I was just saying, I wish my ex -wife and I could remain friends the way that

you and Stuart have. Well, you know, it's just all give and take.

For instance, everything you see here, she took.

I can't believe how much Crystal and I have in common. Working at the same

hospital as secretaries for our... What did you call them?

Our love doctors.

Oh, this is fun. Isn't this fun?

Oh, would you excuse me for a minute? I just have to have a word with my

bartender. Jen.

Mom, are you doing all right?

This is just absurd.

You know, I can't continue with this charade. I should just tell everyone

my date couldn't make it.

Still waiting to meet your Prince Charming.

Actually, Barb, it turns out that my date just walked in the door.

Hey, look who I rode up in the elevator with. It's Kurt.

Kurt. Oh.

Oh, oh.

Kurt was a patient of mine. Just an eye tuck.

The rest is real. Oh, well, I just can't thank you enough for doing this. Oh,

please. Now that I've met you, I think I should be thanking Oliver.

Oh.

Well, shall we?

Barb.

Kurt.

Unfashionably late, as always.

How did you two meet?

Well, you know, I... I had a coffee shop.

We ordered the same thing, medium soy latte. We got to talking, and, well, we

haven't wanted to stop.

There was a warning on the cup that said, extremely hot.

But I had no idea.

Well, looks like you two are the golden boys again.

Yeah, Ollie, that guy is smooth.

He ought to be. He does it for a living.

What is he, an actor?

No, he's a male escort.

What? You said he was a patient. He is. He comes in to keep up his looks. His

face is his calling card.

Well, one of them.

Oh, my God. You sent Mom up with a prostitute.

Escort. Hustler.

Escort.

Ben, look, don't worry. Kurt is very discreet. As far as anyone knows, this

perfectly wholesome, old -fashioned date.

By the way, you owe me 300 bucks.

Wow. I remember when you could get your mom a hooker friend or a hundred.

I'd like you to meet Kurt. Kurt is my ex -husband's steward and his friend,

Crystal. How do you do?

What a snazzy suit there, Kurt. Well, that's Kurt, the best that money can

Oh, gosh, Crystal, what gorgeous shoes.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, if you like, we can go shopping together.

I got these shoes at a store called Girl.

It's like girl, but with an O.

I'd like to figure out where I know you from.

I feel like maybe you dated a friend of mine.

Possibly.

I don't know.

I'm going to figure this out.

Was it perhaps... Hey, Barb, he says he doesn't know, okay? Let the man enjoy

the party.

So, Kurt, what do you do for a living?

Kurt is a physical therapist, is what he is.

He, um, he fixed my, uh, foot thing.

I didn't know you had a foot thing.

Yeah, no, I don't anymore.

Because of this guy.

I have a foot thing, too.

I should let you do me. Of course, a big guy like you, I'd be walking funny for

a week.

You know, with me, it's always the neck. I woke up this morning, and it was just

as painless. Allow me.

Oh, oh, oh, thank you very much.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ah.

really know what a girl means.

Now I remember you.

A friend of mine, Mitzi Wells, was one of your clients.

She said you were very talented.

Oh, well, Mitzi was right.

He's the best.

No wonder he gets top dollar.

This is bad.

You're right.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Mom, we have to tell Mom.

Lydia, out of curiosity,

How much does Kurt charge?

Oh, worth every penny. Oliver swears by him. Mom?

Yeah. We need to talk.

Barb knows about Kurt. Don't let her talk to anyone.

So, Barb, how's Trix?

Trix? Funny you should ask.

Actually, I... Oh!

Sorry. Sorry.

Yeah, she bumped into me. You did.

Let's get some flip -flop on that.

Oh, boys, Kurt is... Perfect. A couple more of these, I might just ask my date

for a date.

Well, actually, Mom, there is something that you should know about

Kurt.

He's a, um, he is band -aid right off. He's an escort. Sorry, so sorry.

An escort? You mean like a gentleman chaperone?

Well, that's what it's going to say on my credit card.

Sorry.

Okay.

Let's review.

I throw a party to salvage my reputation.

And you two convince me to invite, as my date, a man with a fiancé.

But not to worry, because there's always plan B.

So you wait until I have a room full of friends and colleagues to introduce me

to my new, improved date.

We just didn't want to let you down again.

Okay, let's get him out of here before anyone else finds out.

What? Oh, dear God, don't tell me someone else knows.

Nobody, just us and Regina and one other person.

Oh, God, no, please don't tell me.

Lydia, great party. Once again, you spared no expense.

Very funny, Stuart.

All right, all right, Kurt is a prostitute.

And our two brilliant sons bought him for me.

He is a what?

I just shared a chicken finger with him.

You mean your father isn't the one?

Well, people are going to be talking about this party for weeks. Oh, dear

Well, just excuse me. I've got to cancel an appointment I just scheduled with

Kurt.

Listen, Barb, our mom had no idea what Kurt does for a living. Yeah, I'm the

who hired him.

The story just gets better and better.

Go on, Barb.

Get back out there while you still got a nice big audience.

Oh, Lydia.

You know I would never breathe a word about this.

Of course she won't.

Then I'd have to tell my story about her.

Yeah. Remember that night you came in the ER with that broken ankle after you

fell off the bed in that motel room with the tennis pro? I was walking the dog.

Hey, lady, I don't know the street terms.

You know that never happened.

And my mom didn't hire an escort.

But if you tell your story, I'll tell mine.

Lovely party, Lydia.

I'm enjoying it.

Wow, that was great.

See what happens when we all pitch in together and make this big... Thank

you.

I owed you one.

Shall we get back to the party?

Yeah. After all, I got that prop to... for the whole night in my book at my

money's worth.

Well, come on.

Somebody's got to do my dishes. Again, I don't know the street terms.

You ready to go?

Yeah, I have to go to the powder room.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, what a night.

Oh, do I miss this chair.

Well, you're not getting it, love doctor.

believe that our boys bought you an escort.

I know.

But Father's Day, they just bought me this tie.

You okay?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

What?

How did you move on so quickly?

I think I was just lucky. I always thought that you'd be the first one to

somebody. Me too.

Then I saw you with Kurt.

I thought, well, that figures. You finally found somebody tall, dark, and

handsome.

Listen, I know that you're not mine anymore, but I was pretty jealous.

Then you found out he was a sex worker.

And that really helped.

I'm ready to go now, Stuart.

Lydia, I enjoyed this so much.

And you have that shopping date, right? Right.

Can't wait, shopping buddy!

You'll fix that, right? I'll fix it.

You'll fix that, right?

Yes, I'll fix it.