Original subtitles

Good morning, all.

Lydia.

I want to thank you all for coming.

I know it's very early.

So early that some of us apparently got dressed in the dark.

I asked you all here because I am very concerned about your brother, Ben.

I think the first weekend after the end of the marriage is always the hardest. I

remember my first weekend after your father and I divorced.

I was very lonely.

Relieved, liberated, disencumbered, but very lonely.

And I want to make sure that Ben has company this weekend. So, for that, we

a meeting. She wants to make a schedule.

How do you know that?

Trust me, I was married to the woman for 33 years.

But I'm... I'm 35.

Did I say 33?

I meant 35.

Now, we've got to make this snappy because Ben's going to be here any

Now, I've got him in the morning. Now, who can cover lunch? Anyone?

Oh, for God's sake, would you please all referral your tongues and pay some

attention?

I don't believe it.

It's Gail Henson.

Gail Henson, the model?

No, Gail Henson, the coal miner.

The one you call the Holy Gail?

The Holy Gail.

You know her?

No, but I'm about to.

I cherish his moxie.

Hi. I'm sorry to intrude. I just wanted to say thank you. For what?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a cosmetic surgeon.

Two years ago, I saw your cover spread in Vogue, and since then, I've given

staggeringly perfect nose to over three dozen very grateful women.

Well, I don't know whether to be flattered or daft for a piece of the

Oh, I think that could be arranged.

Hey, Mom, I don't recall you rallying. the troops like this last spring when I

broke up with Lisa.

Oh, I'm sorry I failed you, dear. Perhaps I was still getting over your

from Ruth, Chloe, Sarah, Stephanie, Brenda Joy, Maxine, Lisa,

number one, and Tanya.

Wow. You remember them all. Yes. Do you?

Okay.

She's working all day and flying back to L .A. tomorrow.

Oh, don't sulk, Ollie. It's the Holy Gale.

She said she'd call me if she had any time after her shoot, but it doesn't

good. Well, it looks good from here.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Now, Oliver, you take lunch. Regina, after 4 o 'clock, I

give you dinner.

Stuart, are you going to write this down? You know how you always forget

I won't forget.

You forgot that this one was 35.

Mom, aren't we getting a little carried away here? Yeah, it's not like he's some

emotional wreck who needs us to hold his hand every minute.

Wow, the gang's all here.

Well, we just kind of bumped into each other. No, no, how are you? Oh, pretty

good. Hang in there.

Of course he is.

Amy, I haven't seen you in a while. Oh, I went to Maine for a week for my

sister's wedding.

That's them leaving the church.

Oh, look at that.

Oh.

They look so...

I've forgotten how much I enjoy our little mother -son shopping spree. Mom,

really didn't need all these new clothes, especially the silk pajamas.

When you start sleeping alone again, you've got to keep up your self -esteem

wearing nice things to bed.

When your father and I separated, I went to Victoria's Secret and nearly cleaned

the place out.

Oh, my, the peignoirs, nighties, lingerie. I know, Mom, I was there.

Naomi, you're torturing yourself. I'm just trying to figure out what went

Was it my work? Was I so busy saving other people's marriages that I

my own?

Benji, this week was your 30th birthday, and where was Naomi?

Chained to an endangered tree in Oregon.

Your father may have an eye for the ladies, but he never threw me over for a

redwood.

Hey, who's hungry?

Oliver! Hey, Ollie, yeah, I could go for a little lunch.

And that is a little lunch.

It's your favorite, Mooshu veggies. And I got one of those black and white

cupcakes you like so much.

That's all?

For both of you?

Actually, I can't stay.

Really?

Benji, I think that bag is leaking. You better take it right into the kitchen.

What the hell do you think you're doing? Your brother is in a very fragile state

and you're bailing on him? I got beeped, okay?

A chemical peel patient has a bad infection with possible scarring, but I

found time to bring my brother lunch with a cupcake.

Will this take much longer? I have to get back to my shoot by 2 .15.

I think Ben's not the only one having lunch with a cupcake.

Hey, you must be Gail.

I'm Oliver's mother. Now, I hope you don't mind, but his brother's going to

joining you for lunch today. His wife just left him. Oh, um...

Okay. I realize that getting dumped must be a foreign concept to you, but trust

me, it's a bitch.

Uh, hi, Ben.

This is Gail.

Uh, Gail and I were about to have lunch, but I'd love it if you could join me

and Gail.

Well, I wouldn't want to intrude. No, it's no intrusion.

Yeah.

Gail and I would be wholly delighted to have you.

You guys must have lots to talk about. I should just get back to my shoot. No.

If I finish early, I'll call you. Oh, look, if you don't mind, we could share

cab. Oh, there was murder getting one this time of day.

I never have a problem.

How lovely for you.

Hi, Gail.

Gail?

Was that the Holy Gail? Now he gets it.

Hey. Oh, thank God. He's in the men's room. He's all yours. Enjoy.

I can't. What?

They need me in the ER. What? No!

I can't do a double shift. He refuses to be cheered up. It's just Naomi, Naomi,

Naomi. She left him three days ago.

Exactly. Get over it.

I took him to shoot some hoops. He still talked about her through the whole

game. He made two Puerto Rican guys cry.

Holly, just stop whining. I already called for backup.

What is so hard about sticking to a simple schedule?

Every time I ask you to do something, some emergency always comes up.

Yeah, Mom, why do you think that is?

Could it be because I work in the emergency room?

Maybe I should transfer to the no -big -deal -whenever room.

Just once, I would like one member of this family to do what they're supposed

do when they're supposed to do it. On time. Where's Ben?

It's not your shifts.

I knew you'd forget, so I wrote everything down on a napkin, and you

napkin. Oh, my goodness.

What's behind you? Oh, I'm not going to pull for that.

Wow. Oh, you're all here again.

Hey. Twice in one day.

What's going on? Oh, um, I had mentioned to Mom that we were going to be here.

Oh, and I thought that I'd see if... Maybe we could all have a drink with my

divorce lawyer.

Yeah, better hers than mine.

I think it's a little early to have a lawyer.

You have to fight for what's yours.

No, it just doesn't seem like the right time to be doing this with you, Mom. Why

not? Well, because according to this napkin, Regina's supposed to be

me now.

Napkin?

What napkin?

You actually made a schedule?

would be very hard for you, and we all thought you just needed someone to talk

to. Well, I did.

But you people don't want to talk. You just want to distract me with magic and

shopping and basketball. And you, by the way, could learn a lot about emotional

availability from Jorge and Julio.

I just want what's best for you. Well, that's the problem. You always think you

know what's best for me, and you don't.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

Why don't you come over for dinner tonight? You can talk as much as you

I'll invite your sister. Ollie, are you in? I wouldn't miss it for the world.

All right. I'll see you at 8. Hello?

Gail!

Ben, I love you very much.

Oh, just go.

Look,

I need to have some time alone. I'm going to go for a walk.

Here, here.

Take my umbrella.

There you go again. The all -knowing mom coming to my rescue. Mom knows best.

And when mom said it's going to rain...

Thank you.

Coming, Ben.

Oh, hello, Lydia.

Don't worry, I'm not staying. I'm just here to see how Ben is. Well, he's not

here yet.

Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my.

Right, you haven't seen my bachelor pad.

No. Oh, I see that Brancusi sculpture you fought me so hard for has achieved

dignity as a sock wrap.

You know what? I like to keep the sock and the statue together. They are the

last two things you left me with.

Now, thanks. Something died in here, and I'm guessing it's the housekeeper.

Actually, I'm making chicken and lentil curry, which is very good for you. Makes

you sweat.

Purge your toxins.

I never cared for it. No, of course not. You purge your toxins vocally.

Hello, gorgeous.

How are you?

What's that?

Mint chocolate chip, Ben's favorite comfort food. Well, yours too?

Whenever you were depressed or sad, you had bowl after bowl?

Stuart, this kitchen is a pigsty. I swear, you're as bad as Regina. Darling,

nice to see you.

Can I get that ice cream back?

All right, now.

That's Ben.

He's here to talk. Or cry. Oh, whatever helps him get through his pain. Is that

understood? Okay.

Hi, honey.

Oh, you wet. Rich!

Oh, darling, you're choking.

What happened to that umbrella I gave you? Oh, I gave it to a homeless woman.

hope you don't mind.

Oh, no, not at all. I'm sure I'll find one just like it next time I'm in

Florence.

Boy, you're in a good, weird mood.

Yeah, that walk through the park totally cleared my head. Mom, you were right. I

need to stop moping and fight for what's mine. Oh, that's wonderful. I'll call

the lawyer on Monday. No, I'm going to fight for my marriage.

I'm going to win back Naomi.

What? Saving marriages is what I do. I'm a good marriage counselor.

I'm a good cardiologist, but I think twice before giving myself a bypass.

No, I can do this. I'm flying to Oregon tomorrow.

Oh, Oregon? Ben, Ben, that's... That's a great idea, and we're behind you 100%.

Thanks. Stuart, that bag is leaking. Please show me your freezer.

What the hell are you doing? You know he's better off without that hairy

harpy.

hard again? Or worse, what if she doesn't? What if she comes back?

Lydia, Ben has made up his mind. Isn't it better that he thinks that we're on

his side?

But he's making a terrible mistake.

I'll tell you something. Why don't you go out there and tell him? Oh, you'd

that, wouldn't you, Stuart? Then you can be the warm, supportive one while I'm

the truth -telling hard -ass. You always do this to me, you nurturing bastard.

Well, this time...

I'm not going to be the one who birthed this couple.

I'm not going to be the one he hates for being right.

Oliver, it's Mom. Come talk to your brother.

What, now?

He's delirious.

He's going to fly to Oregon to win back Naomi.

That is horrible. He's going to ruin his whole life.

It's nothing.

Have some more.

We're at your father's. Get here fast.

I can't.

It'll be something nice to remember next Christmas when Naomi's protecting

global warming by chaining herself to her Christmas tree.

I'll be right there.

Naomi, call me when you get this message. We need to talk this through

sane, rational adults.

Now, I know you can't leave your tree, but I will climb up to your platform if

have to.

Our marriage may be ailing, but this could be just the kind of triage it

I'd leave him for that one.

What a romantic and lovely gesture.

She will be so glad to hear you say that. You know, there's sometimes she

you guys don't like her. We adore Naomi.

What a lovely addition to the family.

Sorry I'm late, Tommy Bear.

Crystal? Hello.

And here's our latest lovely addition to the family.

I thought it was just us tonight.

I thought that was tomorrow night.

Okay, you're right. I should keep a schedule.

I should just go. No, no, no, no, no, no. Get over here, you.

We're all adults.

Let me take that coat.

Oh, no, I don't think that's a good idea.

Remember the Secretary's Day gift?

Oh, wow.

I guess this is a little awkward, huh? Not at all, Crystal. Can I offer you

something? Some wine? A pole?

You know, I should book my flight. Dad, phone book? Yeah, it's in there. It's in

that, you pull it out, it's got a handle.

Drawer? Yes.

I just want you to know, Dr. Barnes, that from when I started working for

Stewart to the day you were divorced, in that whole year, he never laid a hand

on me.

That made two of us.

I'll just go change.

Um, I may need some help with the buck.

Right behind you. You sit, young lady.

This will only take a minute.

Where's Ben?

Can I eat the powder roll? Oh, sure. Sit.

Gail, Gail, it's down the hall.

Ollie, he's in the kitchen. Go knock some fences for him.

Oliver, wait.

I really think we should just be quiet and wish your brother good luck on his

marriage. He's already had good luck. She left.

All I'm saying is, are we sure that he's going to be happier without Naomi, or

are we just so glad to be rid of her, we're not even thinking about how he

feels? I don't know. I'm kind of with Dad. I mean, she's a bit much, but she's

always been nice to me. You're a lesbian. She couldn't like you more if

a spotted owl.

Oliver, your brother loves this woman. Period.

Great news. I found a flight that leaves tonight. Hey, Ollie. I'm flying out to

Oregon to win back my woman.

Good luck, buddy.

Not take a no for an answer. I don't care if I have to put on my caveman

club her, and drag her back.

Well, club her one for me.

Sorry. Hello.

Naomi. It's Naomi.

What? No, no, no, no. I don't mind. In fact, I'm on my way to the airport,

right?

What?

But where are you then?

That's great.

Well, then we can just meet tonight. I'll get in the cab right now and we can

meet at... Wait, Naomi, don't hang up.

She's in town?

She flew back a week ago.

She's been here this whole time?

Oh, Ben.

Wait, when you think about it, this is actually a good sign.

She could have just ignored my messages and let me fly off to Oregon, but no.

She called me, and she warned me, and that proves that she still cares about

right? Right? Yeah, yeah.

Good thinking.

Are you people insane?

This woman lies to him, refuses to see him. She is in town on his 30th

And pretends not to be. This is not a nice lady.

She is a lying, self -centered nutjob.

Loser.

Listen to your father. She's a bitch.

She's poison.

I can't believe this. So you people have just been pretending to like her all

night. We've been pretending to like her for seven years.

Personally, I am exhausted.

Be a man, Ben.

When a woman dumps me, do I crawl back or mope? No.

I find a prettier girl, lick her up, tell her what she wants to hear, and

her to the nearest posturpedic.

Almost done here.

There's no almost about it.

No, Gail, Gail, please.

Please.

Thanks for the call, Mom.

I'm going home.

Thank you all for your support.

Oh, no, no, no, Ben, please. Come on, come on. We're trying to help you.

Oh, please, Ben.

Please, don't be mad at us. Yeah, come back up. We got ice cream. Okay, Ben,

please. We're trying to help you. Just take my lawyer card.

I don't need your help or a lawyer to defend me from Naomi.

Now, you vultures have been circling our relationship since day one. Well, I am

sorry to disappoint you, but my marriage is not over.

You know, it's very possible we were a little harsh.

Benny! Come on, Benji! Come on, open up!

Can you forgive us?

We've always been too hard on Naomi.

Well, I wouldn't beat yourself up.

Look, I'm, uh, I'm not mad.

Just a little tired, so... Oh, yeah, of course. Of course you are. You need to

get some rest.

Yeah. Hey, hey.

What happened to your stuff? Nothing. No, wait.

No? Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Oh.

I left her messages all day telling her to call me on my cell phone because I

wasn't home.

Well, go ahead.

Say it.

We're sorry.

We love you.

That's all I have to say.

Well, listen, we can't just mope around here. Let's go up to my place and have

some dinner. I don't know. You people make me so crazy sometimes.

Naomi made you crazy, too.

Yeah. There was a big difference.

Right.

We'll never leave you.

Actually, I was talking about the thing.

I knew that.

All right.

We're all going upstairs.

Lydia, you, too.

Tonight, we should all be together.

Come on.

My ex -husband, his girlfriend, and a nice, pungent curry.

See what I put up with?

Ditto.

It's good that we'd be there for each other, didn't we?

We both lost women who meant a great deal to us.

But...

Good morning, Benny. Ben, I was on my way to the hospital. I thought I'd bring

you your paper. Boy, could this place use some cheering up.

I wonder what would be good.

Oh, I know.

Ta -da!

That's great, Deb.

I don't know if Naomi left me a vase.

A vase, you say?

I don't suppose you have a broom in there?

Let me check.