Original subtitles

Well, we're out of time, but great work today. Just remember, you can recapture

that special something that made you two get married in the first place.

She's gonna get knocked up again?

I was talking about love and respect.

Just takes a little work.

Sorry. Just remember, even when we know our spouse loves us, we still like to be

reminded. Little romantic gestures go a long way. Did you hear that, Irv?

That hurt, you know.

What have I told you about listening in on my sessions?

I'm bored out here, okay?

It's not very professional. And neither, by the way, was flirting with Mr.

Curtis this morning in front of his wife.

Hey, he's hot, he's got money, and his marriage is on the rock.

You can't blame me for undoing one little button.

One button?

You looked like you were waiting for a mammogram.

What are you so cranky about?

It's your birthday. You must have special plans with your special lady.

Actually, my wife's still out of town. Oh, no. I mean your mother.

Okay, I have been spending a little more time with my mom since her divorce, but

I am not spending my 30th birthday having dinner with my mom.

Grab your coat, Benji. Mama needs a big, fat martini before the symphony.

We're going to a concert.

Hey, Dr.

Barnes. Bianca?

Well, if you're done in there, I'm just going to go do my filing now, Dr.

Barnes. That'd be great, but as I've told you, I'm not technically a doctor.

Hey, people come to you, you help them to me. That's a doctor.

A lovely thing to say, Bianca, but Benny's right. He's not a doctor. Oh,

What an awful day I had today.

Quadruple bypass with complications, and then I get out of the OR, I get into

the elevator, and who is standing there?

Dad. I bet my day was awful, not disastrous.

Hi, Ben.

Oh, oh, Stuart.

I'd forgotten how meekly you enter a room.

Lydia, with you in the room, a panther would enter meekly.

You know, my last patient canceled, and I thought I would take my son for a

beer, but if you two have plans... Well, we do.

But that's not for an hour. There's no reason the three of us can't have a

birthday drink, is there?

Absolutely not. Perfect, great.

So what kind of fun night do you have planned?

Well, I'm taking band to the symphony. They're playing Mahler's Das Lied von

Erde.

I'd say happy birthday, but that ship has sailed.

Miss Chase, please, just call my office and we'll schedule another procedure.

But let's remember this time, the long -term results of liposuction depend on

what you do as much as on what I do.

In other words, I can suck the fat out of your ass, but I can't get it out of

your refrigerator.

So, happy birthday.

Thanks, you're early this year.

Your birthday's tomorrow?

No, yesterday. I meant early for you.

Blame Mom. She forgot to remind me.

I'll, uh, make a note of it for next year.

Is that another new phone?

This thing is ridiculous. It has everything.

Internet, satellite TV, GPS.

Plus, it's a video camera.

Is all of that really necessary in a phone? I mean, it is so pointless and

-offy and thoughtful.

Really thoughtful.

You would have loved that phone before you got married.

Don't start on Naomi.

I love Naomi. I admire the way she's always flying off to protest global

or exploited workers or genital mutilation.

She's a hoot.

She's passionate, and she cares. That's why she spent the last eight days in

northern Oregon chained to a redwood. Wow.

A couple more days with her, that tree will chop itself down.

There you go, boy.

Hey, Suzy. My usual.

Right here.

Your brother told me you were coming. God, I need this today.

Rough night in the ER? Not that we need to hear about it while we're eating.

Guy last night breaks into the Central Park Zoo so he could take a picture of a

polar bear wearing his Metz cap.

I gather the bear didn't like that.

If I told you I'd shoot him a new one, I wouldn't be using an expression.

Hey, you finished with that? You know I'm squeamish. But you still have to

in here, gross me out, and steal my breakfast. What is that, some kind of

bizarre lesbian power game?

She's just cranky. It's been a while.

Seriously, Regina, you need to get out. You're bored. You're between

girlfriends. Trust me. If I were between girlfriends, I wouldn't be bored.

You know who you should ask out?

Dad's receptionist. Crystal? Have you seen her lately? She's awesome. I did

work on her.

Crystal's a lesbian?

Totally. And you know this how?

I asked her out, and she turned me down.

Although you do realize you've been meeting a lot of lesbians lately.

Tell me.

You should come out with me some night. I'm like some dyke -sniffing truffle

hog.

Well, there was something I wanted to ask you guys.

Last night I had a birthday drink with Dad and Mom.

And they actually kind of got along.

So, anyway, I invited them over for dinner this Thursday.

And I'd like you guys to come too. Wait, wait, wait. All five of us? Oh, come

on. Why not?

We are still a family. Why do we always have to be so splintered? Me with Mom,

you with Dad, us with Dad, me with Mom, me with Mom, me with Mom.

We're just saying it's too soon to try for a whole night.

Why am I the only one who's making any effort to keep this family together?

When Mom gets lonely, who does she call? When Dad needed a new place, who found

him one in his own building?

Now, I realize you are both very busy doctors, but you can't find one lousy

night... All right.

Thursday's no good.

Not for me, either. I have a date.

Okay. Next week, then. Actually, that's even better. Naomi will be back, so

Thursday works. You know what? I can do it. Yeah. Yeah, no, I can do it.

Yeah.

Look, darling, I just got to Benji's. I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Okay, bye.

Hey, Mom.

Oh, poor Ruth Harper. Do you remember the radiologist? Well, she and her

broke up last spring, and now he's shacking up with a 25 -year -old nurse.

is a wreck.

She knows that every vicious gossip in that hospital is saying that's what

them up. I've been on the phone for over an hour. I'm sure Ruth appreciates your

support. Ruth. Oh, I knew there was someone I forgot to call.

Mom, you cooked. I told you I was making my vegetarian lasagna. It never hurts

to give people a choice.

Oh, Mom, is this real?

not here. Just don't tell her this time and you won't have to do the

purification ritual.

Hey, guys.

Oliver, how handsome you look. That suit must have cost an arm and a leg.

No, just a nose and a couple of chins.

I haven't seen you for a week.

That's probably my fault for hogging you all to myself lately. You two should

get together more.

I don't like to impose.

Your brother's a doctor. His time is very valuable.

Hey, guys.

Mom.

Oh, who's this gorgeous young woman?

Where?

I know, I know. You think those little jokes bother me, but they don't. I'm

proud of you. I'm proud of everything about you. All right,

you haven't seen the new hair.

What do you think?

What does it matter what I think?

Oliver, would you help me in the kitchen?

Come on, Mom. I can handle it.

You work in the ER, dear. People die there. You really want that hair to be

last thing they see?

Hey,

thanks for bringing wine. Do you think one bottle will be enough?

He usually gets me through a night with Mom.

What are you guys going to drink?

No, seriously.

I'll get some more.

I'll just run up to Dad.

How's more wine? What you're going to need if we're going to choke down its

famous tofu lasagna.

Hey, he's going to burn it. He's got it at 500.

I told you, 550.

Hi, Oliver.

Hey, Dad. It's nice to see you.

There's my baby girl.

How much do I love you?

Lydia. Stuart.

So where is the birthday boy? Getting more wine. But we already have two

bottles. So you see the problem.

It's going to be fine.

Benji's done a lovely thing bringing us all together.

And we're not going to let anything ruin it.

Ben, it's Naomi.

Oh, dear God, she's not back.

I'll hide the veal.

Look, I won't be coming home tomorrow.

Actually, I'm not sure when I'm coming back.

This is so hard.

I shouldn't say this on the machine.

Look,

call me.

We need to talk about everything.

I'm so sorry.

She gets a prize like my band and she dumps him? That tree -hugging bitch.

He's going to be devastated.

I say we keep quiet about all this. Yeah, right?

He'll find out soon enough. And he's gone to so much trouble for this dinner,

probably spent all day making that lasagna. Not the lasagna.

Don't worry, we burned it.

I knew you'd be back. This is the third time you've forgotten your... Hi.

Hi, Larry.

I'm Crystal.

I'm your dad's receptionist.

Oh, I know.

Well, I thought maybe I... I looked a little different since your brother did

some work on mine. Right.

Anyway, I just brought your dad some papers and then... Your building ran out

hot water?

Right, yes.

And your dad offered to let me use the shower and... and some wine.

He's a very nice man.

Yes, he is.

So we all agree we're keeping quiet about Naomi.

Even those of us who have a little problem keeping our mouths shut.

There's a full -length mirror in the bedroom. Go take a look at what you're

wearing and tell me I can't keep my mouth shut.

Oh, there's Ben.

Hey, we're having a great time, aren't we?

You look wonderful, Ben. Oh, you too, Dad.

Ollie, can I see you in the kitchen?

Yeah, Dad, you look good.

Have you been using that treadmill we got you? He must be. I called him an

ago, and when he answered, he was totally out of breath.

You are not going to believe this. I just went up to Dad's apartment, and

who entered the door wearing nothing but a towel?

Crystal.

Crystal? I know.

Oh, man.

He's really setting himself up for a fall dating a lesbian.

She's not a lesbian.

How old is she? What's been going on? Well, you can bet that's the first thing

Mom's going to ask.

She'll flip when she finds out. The poor kid. I mean, this is a horrible

birthday gift.

Damn, I meant to get him a present.

You haven't gotten him a gift yet? I'm sorry, Mom. We're all not as anal as you

are. I am not anal.

Now, my car is parked out front.

In the trunk, there's a box of pre -wrapped emergency gifts.

The ones with the brown bows are mine.

Wait a minute.

My last anniversary gift had a brown bow.

Stuart, the writing was on the wall.

This is unforgivable. I never liked that woman.

Would you just stay calm for Ben?

No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but this is such a betrayal.

I don't believe this. You know who she was talking about, right?

You mean you do?

He obviously just told her about Crystal.

That's not who they're talking about. Yes, yes.

I'll bet you're right.

Maybe we should just go in there and tell them that we know what's going on.

Yes, yes. No!

If she's just going to mope, why not confront those feelings? This is what I

you know. And I give women bigger boobs, but you don't see me doing it at

parties.

Ben's acting very strange.

You think he knows about Naomi? No, he couldn't possibly know. He would know

when she called him. She could have tried him on his cell phone. Oh, God,

is an idiot.

Mama, are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine, dear.

Because if there is something that you need to talk about... Is there something

you'd like to talk about? Because if there is anything you need to talk

Yeah! Oh!

Uh,

stomach cramp.

Judd, could you help me out, please? Sure.

I'll be right back.

You know, don't you?

Yeah, I know.

Oh, darling, why didn't you just say something? That awful woman, I just...

her for this.

Mom, that is a completely valid emotion.

But to blame none of her?

Oh, you're so fair.

Just remember, as far as we know, she and Dad never slept together until after

you were divorced.

Your father slept with her?

Well, I don't know for sure. Maybe they're just dating.

And you're okay with that?

All I know is that I saw her wearing a towel in Dad's apartment tonight.

Tonight? Wait, who are we talking about?

Crystal. Both alarm.

Meet fine.

Your father is sleeping with Crystal? Maybe I'm going to take another look.

Stuart!

You get your ass back here!

Lydia, I swear to you, I didn't touch her until we were divorced at least

months. All right.

All right, George, if you say so, I believe you.

You know who else is going to believe you? No one!

The minute this gets out, the entire hospital is going to think that you left

for her. No one is going to think that. The last six months, I have been a

brilliant cardiologist who outgrew her marriage to an underachieving

gastroenterologist and moved on with her...

Okay, this is good. We're communicating.

Now, in Dad's defense... There is no defense. It is one thing to say your

marriage is over, but to make it matter is worse. I knew it. I knew you couldn't

keep your mouth shut. Regina, you misunderstood.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but trust me.

Naomi leaving you may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Naomi's leaving me?

Oh, crap.

What, she told you this? No.

She called while you were out. We heard the message.

And when were you going to tell me?

Or were you all just enjoying too much? No, Ben. Listen, you're very upset.

You should go and call your wife.

Nobody was enjoying this. Ben, we just feel awful for you.

Well, there's a bright side here.

Yeah, he's losing a wife.

But he's gaining a bouncy new step -mommy.

I mean, Ben's better off.

Come on, she was not a fun woman.

Remember when she made us watch that vegan propaganda film about cows in a

slaughterhouse? Aside from that, it was a very nice wedding.

What?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just remembered when she went to the World Bank protest dressed in the rat

costume.

And she got her tail caught in the subway door.

He doesn't need a divorce lawyer. He needs an exterminator.

Ben.

No, no, go ahead, please.

Laugh.

It is my role in this family, isn't it, to keep you all amused?

Just go.

Please.

I need to be by myself. Just go. Go somewhere else and have a good laugh

funny, funny men who can't hack med school like us brilliant doctors who

pick the right wife, can't even figure out what it means when the president has

a brown bow art.

This is good, dear. This is really good. This is what you recently were saying

about getting in touch with your feelings, and I'm sure you already feel

Should we give it a minute and go back in? No. He needs more time.

And I couldn't survive another awkward moment like that.

Hello?

Maybe I'll take the stairs.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, um... About last night.

I'm really sorry for, uh... Dancing on the freshly dug grave of my marriage?

Yeah.

So you talk to her?

All night.

Says it's not me, it's her. She doesn't know what she wants in life. Oliver!

Stacy, what are you doing here? That's so weird.

This is my brother Ben.

Hi, I'm Stacy, with an I, like Tracy.

I'll just let you two get to know each other. Stacy, could you give us just a

second? Oh, sure.

You set me up? Are you out of your mind? My marriage has been over for 12 hours.

You can't live in the past, Ben.

Just ask her to go.

Hey, guys. Over there.

Hey, Ben.

Hey, did you get all our... Yes, yes, I got all your messages. Thank you.

Now, look, we know that it's going to be tough for a while, but you've got to

know that we're going to be there for you 100%. Hello?

Got to run. Oh, Stuart.

Sit down, please.

Please. Here, Mom. Oh, thank you, darling.

Now, I think we all know that we owe Ben an apology about our insensitive

behavior last night. I, for one, have already sent flowers and a selection of

teas.

But I also think we have to thank Ben. reminding us that even though we pursue

our separate lives, that we are still a family and that's something you don't

just throw away.

What a beautiful thought.

Don't touch me.

You're hurting now, Ben. Trust me.

It gets better.

A lot better.

And what is this nonsense? That we look down on you because you're not a doctor?

Oh, come on. Admit it. You people have never thought that what I do is as

valuable as medicine.

Benny, Ben, that is all in your head. You're a healer just like we are.

no difference between us.

Is there a Dr. Barnes here?

Yeah.

Nurse Talbot. Oh, that's me.

I'll be right there.

I'll talk to you later. I love you. Bye, Dad.

Well, I gotta run.

Oh, Ben, I got theater tickets for us tonight. Oh, Mom, you don't have to.

you were there for me when I went through my divorce.

And I'm gonna be there for you.

Double.

I gotta go, too, but when you're ready, I'm gonna find you a nice, sweet,

intelligent, down -to -earth girl.

Thanks. And I'll give her a set of knockers you'll need oxygen to climb.

That's a brother's promise.

Yeah, you have a nine o 'clock, too?

Yeah, actually, I'm thinking about calling in sick.

Why?

I don't know if I can do it anymore.

Who am I to tell other people how to save their relationships?

Ben, anyone else would have given up on Naomi years ago.

But you hung in there and you tried to make it work right up until the day it

keeled over.

That's the kind of guy I would want helping me if my marriage was in

Thanks.

Not that I'm getting married anytime soon, no?

Not with this family's batting average.

And thanks again.