Original subtitles

wrong with your dinner, big guy?

Well, I thought it'd be fun to peel all the skin off my hot dog before I ate it.

Oh, my God.

Speaking of appetite killers, where's Dan?

Today? I think he's been down at the rescue mission giving free legal advice

the poor.

Dan's still trying to put a good face on the mayor's judicial selection

committee? Yesterday, he actually taught a civic class at an orphanage.

Can you picture Dan in a room full of little kids?

Yeah.

Ransacking their little lunch boxes for milk money.

Well, it'll all be over soon. The new list of judge candidates comes out

tonight. And Dan can go back to being toe jam.

Would anybody like my toes?

Now, I was thinking, wouldn't it be funny if all this good work that Dan is

doing rubbed off on him? I mean, he might actually turn into a human being.

Aren't you the one who predicted that big village people come back?

Sir, the day Dan Fielding becomes a decent human being is the day I sell my

collection of Princess Di Porcelain Fimbles.

Oh, Miss Sullivan, no need to bring on the total collapse of civilization.

You call me crazy, but I just happen to believe that when a man sets his mind to

it, there are a lot of things about him that can change. You do!

All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session. The Honorable Dan Fielding,

presiding.

I beg your pardon?

Oh.

I didn't know you were ready, sir.

He gave me ten bucks.

Dan?

Oh, hi, Harry.

Ooh, just warming that seat up for you.

Toasty.

the nastiest germs on contact.

All rise.

Criminal court part two is now really in session.

Your Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

You may be seated.

I've got some warrants for you to sign, sir.

Sorry about that little incident, sir. I realize this is not the time or place

for groveling, but... Oh, no, this is the time. This is the place.

I only hope I'm as understanding with my attorneys when I'm a judge.

Dad, do you really think that your name's gonna be on that list of new

Do maggots like rotting flesh?

Give me while I just go phone that one into Bartlett.

It's in the bag.

I got a great conviction record.

Good seniority.

And the best part is that the only person on the nominating committee who

me died last month.

See, that is good news.

Dan, you know, I can call a friend of mine at the committee office to see if

made the list. That would be great.

Mac, is there any place on this planet where you don't have a friend working?

Here's that file you wanted, Mac.

Some old favorites making a return appearance.

Do I get a hint? Well, let me see.

The squad car that took him to the police station was destroyed by a bolt

lightning.

You mean... Hello.

Bob and June Wheeler, you Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads.

What the heck brings you by?

They were picked up on a 509B violation, sir. 509? Uh -huh. B?

Yeah. I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.

Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It involves the illegal

detonation of poultry.

Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely used

explosives.

Sir, the wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg farming. They ran into

bit of difficulty with a propane -powered incubator.

So all the would -be chicks are now... Quiche, yes, sir.

I've got an incubator with a faulty shut -off valve.

It was a nightmare.

The god -awful smell of meringue.

Blood -curdling peeping.

The irony of it all is that we got into chickens because of our difficulties in

running a worm farm.

Oh, there's a picture.

You two haunched over a big vat of pink, juicy wigglers.

You were seduced by the glamour of it all.

Okay, what happened to the worm?

Stampede.

It was like all the pasta you ever ate in your life coming back to get you.

I guess, uh...

Just don't have the knack for animal husbandry.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Bob.

He's been such a downer since Granny died.

Oh, what the hell? Someone has to ask?

How did she die?

She passed away in her sleep.

That's it?

She was just sleeping peacefully?

Yes.

On the railroad track.

The rail company was very sympathetic, though.

Didn't even charge her for the ride.

Yes. Tragedy does bring out the best in people.

I've got a question.

Shoot. What the hell?

were you two brought in for again?

Destruction of neighboring property, sir, to the tune of about 85 bucks.

Okay, we'll call you guilty. We'll suspend the fine, but you gotta pay the

damages. Thank you, Your Honor.

Can you afford to pay that much?

Well, Granny did leave us a pretty substantial inheritance.

What do you got in there, a dead rat and a pack of Necco wafers?

No.

$250 ,000.

We ate the Necco wafers.

Wait a minute. You're carrying $250 ,000 around in a coffee can?

No. Just half of it.

June's hiding the rest in her brassiere.

Looks like June is busting out all over it.

Right?

Looks like you've got a pretty healthy nest egg yourself.

Pinch my toes and call me a jelly donut.

I bet he means that in a figurative sense.

Hey, look, I gotta go. I gotta go. Thanks, Larry.

Friend of yours, Mac? Yeah, from down at the mayor's committee.

I had him to peek at the lift, and it seems that congratulations are in order.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

I'm gonna wear black satin and send people to jail!

It's not you, Dan.

What? I'm sorry, Dan.

You said congratulations are in order. Yes, I did.

Because Christine is going to be a judge.

Excuse me just a minute.

but behind my back, they call me the Magical Magistrate.

No, we don't. We call him Skinnybutt.

Stay away! Coming through!

I thought you might want to see the dessert cart.

I guess you can serve them up on the sofa, Bull.

back to the cafeteria.

Congratulations, Christine.

I think you'll make a neato judge.

Thank you, Bull.

Meep meep.

Yeah, I think Bull meep meeps for all of us on that one.

Bull!

Or almost all of us.

Don't you want to congratulate Miss Sullivan?

Ten long years of sucking up, faking overtime, diligently

stabbing my co -workers in the back, and this is the thanks I get.

Dan, just when I'm about to get what's mine, it is taken from me by Represso of

Sunnybrook Farm.

In two weeks, that'll be Judge Represso.

Dan, Dan, I know how disappointed you are, but look at it this way.

Being a judge is no picnic. Take it from me, it's a grueling, back -breaking job

filled with self -doubt and heartache.

Dan Fielding?

Uh, that would be the heap over there.

Judge Dan Fielding? No, no, he's not a judge. Well, Judge Fielding, I'm Timmy,

and I've been sent to give you a very, very special congratulations.

So come on, everybody, put your hands together with me.

Oh, your name's on the judge's list. Doo -dah, doo -dah. When you move up,

you'll be missed all the doo -dah day.

Grind to get a gavel.

It's your lucky day.

Because now you're a judge in municipal court and not some stinking DA.

Hey, come on, everybody.

Oh, your name's on the judge's list. Doo -dah, doo -dah.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes? I know how you feel.

Thank you.

Dan, Dan, murdering this man is not the answer, even though we would all really

enjoy watching you do it.

Dan, you must let Timmy live.

Bo was right. Sending that telegram was a great idea.

Would you like that to go?

Bob, June, what are you guys doing here?

We're unlocking the door to lifetime financial security.

Do you remember that $250 ,000?

Yes. We mentioned to the man who owned this place that we were looking to

it. By a remarkable coincidence, he said he was looking to sell out.

You mean you paid $250 ,000 for this?

We could hardly believe it ourselves.

You're our first customer.

Here you go.

Thanks. Well, good luck, you guys. I sure hope you make your money back.

We will.

What do I owe you?

$915 plus...

gone up since last time.

Got some tranquilizer darts in my desk.

Only way to bring down a rogue prosecutor.

Oh, Dano.

Whatever happened to the Archies?

Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself that same question.

Dan, you've got to stop acting like this.

Oh, yeah?

Well, ten years of working my butt off. hasn't gotten me anywhere, I thought

maybe I'd try a different approach.

What, acting like a goofy, practical, joking clown?

Well, yeah, but I'm a trained professional.

Dan, I know you're upset, but try to look on the bright side.

You won't be bumped into a higher tax bracket.

I hope you get robe rash.

Okay, Dan, that's enough.

Yeah, you know what? I think maybe it is enough.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job. Dan.

All right, who wants to share gas to Florida? Show yourself now.

Okay,

but you

got a ride in the back.

in his training.

When did he get a dog?

Who said anything about a dog?

I'm really worried about him.

Well, don't be. He probably just needs a little time to himself.

I know, but he seemed awfully depressed.

Well, you don't seem too perky yourself considering the circumstances.

What do you mean?

Well, you've just been appointed a judge. Shouldn't you be celebrating?

going to be a magistrate of the New York Municipal Court.

My equal.

That is exciting, sir.

I don't know. I guess it just hasn't had a chance to sink in yet.

It's funny how your whole life can change in one second.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Hey.

Want to try the robe on, just see how it looks?

Your robe?

No.

I couldn't. I don't know. Well, no.

Well, nothing's official yet, sir. I wouldn't want to seem disrespectful.

Oh, come on. Let's be madcap bohemian rebels. What do you think?

Okay, this is one.

Uh, sir, we... Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We're disrobing.

Oh, no, that's okay, guys. What's up?

We found Dan.

He's on the roof.

What? Oh, my God.

I spotted a moving violation.

Oh.

Well, what are you doing?

Eating my candy bar.

Why are you taking such tiny little bites?

It has to last me till next winter.

Excuse me. I'm looking for Miss Christine Sullivan.

Oh, that's me.

I'm Leonard Peel from the mayor's committee, and I've got some great news

you, Miss Sullivan.

I know. I'm on the judge's list.

Surprise.

Tough luck, Cheetah, but you know the grapevine.

Who are you, and why did you touch me?

You want to see me, sir?

Silly me. I used the door.

Who's the weenie?

from the judges' committee.

Oh, dance building.

Wonderful job you're doing. Of course, there was a little oversight in my case,

but hey, wait till next year, huh?

Danny! This is making me awful dizzy!

Professional colleague teaching her CPR.

Listen,

I don't know if you remember the little incident in the courtroom when I... When

you acted like a selfish, self -indulgent, idiotic jerk?

Ah, so you remember.

I just wanted to let you know that the reason I walked out of the courtroom was

because there were principles at stake.

So why'd you come back?

Because I realized something very important.

Which is?

I have no principles.

I can't afford them.

Greetings, thrifty shoppers.

Well, Bob and June Wheeler, I would have thought you'd have left town by... Now

it's not like you let grass grow under your feet.

Between their toes, it's a different story.

Didn't Bull tell you? We bought the new stand.

And we're giving away these handsome I .D. cards, which entitle everyone who

works here to a 5 % employee discount.

Oh, boy, 5 % discount on a stick of gum?

Trust me. Keep the card.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's the matter, Matt?

Your name's not on this list of judges.

Well, somebody must have made a simple mistake.

Here's your employee discount card.

I'm sorry, Judge Stone. It's no mistake.

What?

I'm afraid you've been turned down for reappointment.

Sorry.

No exceptions.