Original subtitles

Hee, hee, hee, hoo.

Hee, hee, hee, hoo.

Hee, hee, hee, hoo.

Hee, hee, hee, hoo.

Hee, hee.

Wait right here. I'll get the paramedics. Wait, boy, wait.

Wally's just learning how to breathe.

Well, the way she's doing it seems a little weird.

But then, I'm self -taught.

It's one of the techniques they teach in the natural childbirth classes Mac and

I go to.

Hey, macadamia, you're not sure you better grab this lady.

Looks like he's trying to shoplift the beach ball.

Hello, Harry.

Thanks again for agreeing to swear me in as a U .S. citizen.

Oh, you're very, very welcome.

It means a lot to me to be sworn in as a citizen before Junior here beats me to

it.

Something wrong, Mac?

No, my stomach feels a little uncomfortable, that's all.

Could be sympathetic labor pains.

I read somewhere where a husband can sometimes experience the same symptoms

the mom.

It's true. I went through it when my pet python Bertha laid her eggs.

Well, there must be hell on you when she sheds her skin.

Now, this is right here.

Ready to start, sir? Yeah. Let's see if we can whip through the rest of the

docket so we can get on with our little swearing -in ceremony. Very good, sir.

I'm sure the others won't mind waiting.

Nah.

Uh, Mac, what others?

Well, when the Immigration and Naturalization Service agreed to our

you give the oath to Kwan Lee, I told them you wouldn't mind swearing in a few

more. Well, hey, the more the merrier.

these people.

We are the world.

Judge! Thank you, Bull.

You got two left.

Can I have the hired help up to the bench here, please?

Look at him.

Soon they'll all be part of the great melting pot.

Be faster just to pop him in the microwave.

All right, folks. Now, obviously, I'm going to need the help of anyone and

everyone who can show these people a little patience and compassion.

Great. See you about 10.

Dan, I need you to. Why?

Because we've got to make sure that everybody belongs here and that their

are all in order. I made copies of the master list for everybody.

Good job, man. Okay, now, you go over their documents, compare them to the

here, and make sure that everything is the way it should be, and let's show

a real New York City welcome, huh?

Okay. Give me your wallet.

That's the spirit.

Okay, Mr. Costas, Agostillos, and family.

This is me.

Hi, well, if you'd answer... And I am proud.

I am proud of my past life, and even more, I am proud of my future as an

American citizen.

So, I dance to my future. Peppa!

Dad, please, please, no more dancing, you promised.

Dad?

I want you to meet Spiros, the fruit of my loin.

Cute fruit.

You ever see such a face, Judge, huh?

15 years old and already sawing the signs of manhood.

Dad, it's just a pimple.

It is growth.

I love growth.

I dance to your pimple.

So, what do you do for a living, Clint?

Before I came to the U .S., President.

What company?

I was president of my country.

You were president of an entire country?

Until the revolution.

Officially, my title was president for life, first minister, defender of the

constitution, prince regent, and protector of the realm.

And now?

Knight manager of a 7 -Eleven.

You went from a palace to selling slurpees.

It does require a bit of adjustment.

One minute hearing your name chanted by millions of adoring followers.

The next, making change for the Donkey Kong game.

Little mistake here, Mr. Vega. I'm sure they want your income in dollars, not

pesos. It is dollars.

I am rich, huh?

My social security number is not that big.

Twelve years ago, my sister and I, we come to this country with nothing.

Today, we know Robin Lynch personally.

What did you do to make this kind of money?

Sell a screwdriver to the Pentagon?

The American dream is true, amigo.

With good luck and hard work, my sister and I, we made ourselves what we are

today.

Not a spare part?

We started with my grandmother's old recipe and one little push cart.

Today we got an entire line of restaurants.

My cart?

Batter fried bits.

Bits of what?

Formerly living things.

Explain this to me.

You parlayed innards and hot grease into this monstrous fortune?

Let's just say, if anyone were to ask my sister to be his wife, he would become

a very wealthy man.

Maybe if we dipped you in batter.

Still bothering you?

Yeah.

I guess I'm having flashbacks from that little breakfast you served up this

morning.

I know it was a little out of the ordinary, but I have these cravings.

Giblet pancakes?

Thank you for your patronage.

Okay, Miss Agostino, see when your brood can take a seat.

I love this America, Judd.

It is a country where a man can be...

Anything he wants.

Realize his dream.

Reach for the stars.

Dad, you clean toilet.

I got the promotion.

Come, we will dance to my good fortune.

Dad, would you cut out the hopping around?

I will dance as long as I have feet.

I think I can take care of that.

Here's that affidavit, sir.

All right. Then let's hold this one over pending the report from the probation

officer.

That's the last one in holding, Your Honor. That's it?

All right, then. Let's get ready to make ourselves some Americans.

Go get them all lined up in front of the bench.

I'll go get the Uzi.

Like to go for a ride around the city?

Bring it back gas or I'll have to charge you.

Well, now, I guess I really don't have to explain to you folks what an honor

privilege it is to become a citizen of the United States of America.

Every one of you has had to go through a lot to reach this moment.

You've learned our language, our history.

Our secret handshake?

Well, you have learned our secret handshake, haven't you?

No, no, no. There's no secret handshake. I was just kidding.

I stuffed myself into the dashboard of adoption to get here, and he is kidding?

It's his inalienable right to make an ass of himself.

God, he's good.

All right, then. At this time, I'm going to ask each of you to raise your right

hand and repeat after me.

Mac,

are you all right?

Mac, are you all right? No, no, no, no.

You got one left.

sir, don't worry about me. It's just a momentary twinge. Are you sure?

Yes, sir, I'm sure.

Okay, then let's take another shot at it. Raise your hands and repeat.

I hereby declare on oath.

I hereby declare on oath.

That I renounce all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince or

That was me.

That wasn't me that time, sir.

Well, then who was it? It was me.

Quan Li, what is it?

I'm in the middle of a contraction.

Are you sure it's a contraction?

Yes, I had one before.

How long before?

A couple minutes ago.

Oh, my God, they're two minutes apart.

What's going on?

theme from The Exorcist.

Oh, go get an ambulance.

You better make that a double.

and they need it now.

It's like I told you. We're extremely busy tonight, so the most seriously ill

and injured get treated first.

Good God, what happened to him?

Well, after high school, I entered the service.

No, no, it's not him. It's these two.

She's having a baby, and nobody seems to know what's wrong with him.

He's having severe abdominal pains and nausea. I think it might be

But you won't mind if we get a second opinion.

Oh, no, of course not.

Get your focal point and do your breathing. Come on now.

I can't. I forget what I... It's this one.

I think I can.

My God, that woman can have a baby any minute now.

Well, that's lunch.

Now,

I got a really wacky notion. She's going to have a baby. Wouldn't it be peachy

if there were a doctor here to deliver it?

Well, no promises, but I'll see if I can scrounge one up.

The chute didn't open, right?

Oh, what's the matter, honey? Is it starting to hurt again?

Well, here, just hold on to me.

Thank you for leaving the skin.

So the judge says to the guy, he says, you know, you haven't done very well by

your ex -wife, so I'm going to give her $400 a week. And the guy says to the

judge, well, that's mighty nice of you. Maybe I'll try to kick in a couple of

bucks myself.

Yeah,

I get that a lot.

Hello. I'm Dr. Engelman.

Oh, do we have a little tummy ache here?

Plexus are real good.

Doc, this is nothing really serious, right? I mean, this kind of stuff you

every day, right?

Not really.

I'm a podiatrist.

You're a foot doctor?

So? What are you implying?

Nothing. Nothing.

You think I'm not aware of the snide remarks you people make about us?

You think I don't hear the raucous bunion humor at parties made at my

Well, let me tell you something.

How dietary happens to be one of the most vital, important of all the medical

disciplines. We are doctors, people.

And don't you ever forget that.

So what do you think it is, Doc?

It could be his shoes.

Say what?

Oh, yes. People are often amazed at how many problems are attributable to ill

-fitting footwear.

Trust me, Doc, it ain't my damn feet.

this woman is pregnant.

Oh, don't tell me you've never delivered a baby before.

Well, just exactly how many people who aren't obstetricians have.

What are you, some kind of a cult?

In about two minutes, I'm going to be completely naked.

That's the two -minute warning.

about time we got her into a delivery room? Lady, back off.

I'm the doctor.

I'm under a lot of pressure here. I need time to think.

Now, what would Dr.

Show do?

Oh!

Here comes Mr. Stark.

Oh, my God.

It's happening. My baby's coming.

I didn't even get a chance to scrub up.

I got some wet wipes in my wallet.

little late for that.

Please, no.

Do it now.

But, Quanli, the book with the oath of allegiance is back in the courtroom.

No!

Harry, what's the difference? Make something up.

Couldn't do that.

No!

Oh, yes, you could.

I'm seeing the head here.

Harry! Oh, it certainly is.

Sorry, the oath.

Quanli, do you promise...

to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States and obey all the laws

and traffic signals?

Okay, skip the traffic signals.

Mr. Robinson, your lab report just came back. It's definitely appendicitis. I

have to get you up to pre -op right away.

Get away from my buck. No way I'm leaving with my baby. It's about to be

Here come the shoulders.

Quantley, do you solemnly swear to ask not what your country can do for you,

what you can do for your country?

We're almost there.

No!

As a duly appointed representative of the United States government, I hereby

declare you an official U .S. citizen.

Yeah,

it goes for you, too.

Mac, you're a daddy.

I'm a daddy.

What is it?

It's ugly.

It's a girl, Mac.

It's a girl.

Get away from my daughter, Dan.

Hey, Mac.

She's not really ugly.

I just never saw one right out of the package like that before.

I'm wrinkled up.

Actually, she's... beautiful.

Oh, I'll say.

Look at those feet.

And there's your daddy.

Yeah, and Papa's got a brand new bag.

Don't run off now.

Let me see my baby.

Don't worry.

He doesn't always look like that.

Isn't she beautiful?

You know, I can see a little of me in that face.

Yes. You're both drooling.

Kwan Lee.

Yes, Mac?

In case I haven't mentioned it in the last few minutes, I love you.

And I love you, Mac.

And I love little what's -her -name, too.

And that's another thing.

What are we going to name our daughter? We can't call her... Hey, you for the

rest of her life.

Well, when I was growing up, there was a character in a book who was very

special to me.

So I often thought if I ever had a daughter, I'd name it after her.

Oh, that sounds nice.

What was her name?

Flecka.

the birth announcement?

Renee Robinson.

That's a nice name.

Yeah. I wonder what the middle initial F stands for.

Uh, sir, I think you better get in here.

What's going on?

Look, everyone, it's Yodja Stone.

What are all you people doing here? Oh, your judgeship. If you

recall, the last thing you said to us before leaving for the hospital was...

Wait here?

So you've been waiting here since Friday?

Yes.

Well,

gee, I'm sorry.

I don't think you really quite understood. See, when I didn't come

should have just gone home.

I'm safe for firing squad.

Nobody wanted to take the chance of blowing his citizenship.

It's easy for you to say.

to jip you out of a ceremony, but I think, uh, I think what you've subjected

yourselves to here says more about your devotion to this country than words ever

could. So, congratulations.

You are all hereby citizens of the United States of America.

Yay!

It is true.

I have finally realized the dream of my life. I am now a... Yes, you're a

taxpayer.

Oh, bless you.

Judge,

I know you're very busy, and you have many important cases to decide, but this

is a momentous occasion for us.

Would it be too much to ask if we could sing our national anthem?

No, that wouldn't be too much at all. You go right ahead.

Oh, thank you.

All right, everybody.

Oh, say...

Times like this make me feel really fortunate.

To be an American?

To not have that man as my next -door neighbor.