Original subtitles

Hey, old McDonald, how's our future papa doing? I wish that baby would hurry up

and get here. Well, don't be in too much of a hurry, Mac. They grow up before

you know it.

Hey, look at my Scooby -Doo lunch pail.

Some more slowly than others.

Good evening, fellow bailiffs. Uh -oh, hide your young.

Well, well, well, if it isn't our shop steward, Ethel LaRue. What a pleasant

surprise. Can the crap bail if we both know why I'm here?

Once more I am running unopposed for shop steward, and we all know how grumpy

get when I win with less than a landslide.

Get the drift, my little friend.

not actually gonna vote for the wicked bailiff of the west oh the job is a lot

of paperwork and drudgery who'd be dumb enough to challenge her for that guess

what i'm running for how'd you know we

were just discussing the job qualification isn't it great i filed

want to hear my slogan

Hello, boys.

Well, Dan, you're in a great mood.

Last night, I dated a Jets cheerleader.

And touchdown!

Of course, we did have to go into overtime.

So, Dan, are you going to tell us all about it, or do we have to read it

tomorrow in the supermarket checkout line?

Dan Fielding? Yeah, that's me.

It's for you.

Oh, I thank you. Oh, here you are, my good man.

A little something for you.

Hey, now I can get that newspaper I've been saving up for.

Dad, what is it?

It's a... fraternity suit.

The woman's name is Marilyn Scott, and it says here you have a son.

That is impossible.

It's some kind of mistake.

According to this, your mistake is now ten years old.

Dan, doesn't the name Marilyn Scott even ring a bell?

I wouldn't know her if she bit me.

Then it's no one you've been seeing lately, huh?

You have to admit, with all the women you've been going out with, there is a

possibility that you might have... Hit the mother load?

I am well aware that there are ways of preventing this sort of thing from

happening. So you're saying it's impossible?

Well, I mean, everybody once in a while gets caught in a storm without his

umbrella.

Here.

That's for your next cloudburst.

Hey, you thought of it.

There you are.

I want a word with you, Shannon.

Oh, I guess you heard the good news.

Yeah, well, the good news is I'm going to allow you and Pinocchio to withdraw

from the Wraith intact.

Are you threatening me?

What? As an elected official, I cannot condone any act of violence or

intimidation.

But personally, I'd love nothing better than to strip to the waist and duke it

out with you for a couple of rounds.

Get the picture?

Vividly.

Then let the best man win.

She may have us there.

lawyers handle it. From this moment on, that paternity suit is forgotten.

Father knows best.

I hope you staple yourself to death.

Excuse me.

Hey, don't I know you?

Car crash?

Collision? Let Petey scrape you out.

that commercial for personal injury claims that you do where you freeze

the family of four just before their car plunges into the Grand Canyon?

Had to get that in one take.

I bet. So, Petey, what unspeakable human suffering brings you by?

I'm looking for Dan Fielding. That's me.

Well, wait a minute.

You're that slimeball lawyer who capitalizes on other people's suffering

misfortune. Yes?

I want to shake your hand.

You're a sweet... a fortune out of those poor slobs. Every penny.

I really respect that. I represent Marilyn Scott.

I want you dead.

Mr. Fielding. Listen, I am not going to stand here and be accused of something I

didn't do. But Danny, I have affidavits on you from half the women in this town.

You've got quite a reputation.

And I might add that you photograph quite well.

Yeah, you just try to prove that's me behind that mask.

If you refuse to settle, you force me to launch a vicious, no -holds -barred

smear campaign.

Listen, bucko, nobody drags Dan Fielding through the mud. Not according to

action photo number five.

Danny, Dan, Dan, by fighting this, you simply prolong your agony, deplete your

assets, alienate your friends. You find yourself thrashing about in a morass of

despair from which death itself is the only escape.

Well, time for my facial.

Ciao.

Boy, he's a lot nicer in person than he is on TV.

What was that?

I don't know. You suppose they let Roz do the strip search again?

It should have been me.

Oh, Bull, I am so sorry.

He was only a sapling.

What's this?

A note. I'll read it.

Drop out of the race, or next time, the real dummy gets it.

Ethel LaRue.

Bull, I'm sure he can be revived.

It's too late. I already tried mouth -to -mouth.

So you screamed when... I got a splinter in my tongue.

Maybe my daddy can fix him.

Who's your daddy?

to you too, Petey.

I got a hold of that lawyer. He should be slithering by here shortly.

The kid has certainly gotten attached to Dan.

Uh -huh.

Are you tired of writing Mr. Prosecutor yet?

I'm not going to have hair like you when I grow up, am I?

You're not going to grow up unless you get off my floor shimes, kid.

My name is a kid. My name is Brian, and I'm not getting off till you agree to

talk to me. Forget it.

Okay, if you won't talk to me, at least buy me an ice cream.

No.

Did I mention I have to go to the bathroom real bad?

One scoop or two.

Come on, race to cafeteria.

Yeah, don't run too fast, otherwise you might fall and break your widow neck.

Dan, try to be nice. to him or he'll only have something to hold against you

court. Right. I won't leave any marks.

There he goes.

Daddy dearest.

I don't know.

Believe it or not, I think Dan can make a very good father.

Hello. Are we talking about the same Dan Fielding who lobbied to infate leash

laws for children?

No, I'm serious.

Underneath that... marmy sex craze exterior lies another dan fielding

You want to play a little game? It's called civilization.

I take it you haven't been around kids much.

Call it a life's ambition.

Can I ask you a question?

No.

Why did you leave us?

I didn't leave you. I wasn't there in the first place.

Now listen, kids, and listen good. There is no possible way I could be your

father.

You mean... you're gay.

Okay, technically it's possible.

Look, trust me, you wouldn't want me as your father anyway.

Why not?

I hate you.

Good point.

But I don't hate you.

Stick around, you will.

In fact, I love you.

love me. You don't even know me.

But I... But I... But I... Listen to me, kid. You cannot love somebody you've

never met.

That's not true.

Okay, there's a few phone services, but that's it.

Look, all I'm saying is that if you were my father, I'd love you, all right? All

right, fine, fine. You ready?

And if you had a kid, you'd love him, too, wouldn't you?

Like I said earlier, Children should be... Genetically cloned in factories,

yeah.

Good,

then I've taught you well. Let's go.

Dan? Oh, what is it now?

Will I die without a father?

You're weird.

How the hell should I know?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't sit there with that lost

puppy dog look.

I didn't mean to. Yeah, well... No.

Of course you didn't.

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Happy as a freckle on Daryl Hannah's body.

That's the first thing you've said, I understand.

This kid stuff really spooked you, huh?

No, not really.

The parent stuff that's frightening.

How come?

Because I see it every day around here.

Mommy and daddy's eyes filled with tears as they come to bail their baby out of

jail.

Report them missing.

Identify their body.

Couldn't handle that kid.

Couldn't even live with the possibility.

What if I...

I'll never get sick or hurt.

Excuse me, I think I hear Rod Serling calling.

If I do get sick or hurt, I won't even tell you, I promise.

You don't even have to care.

I'll take what I can get.

What happened here?

He was murdered.

Wrongful death, I'm your man.

So, where's the kid?

He's with Dan.

Any chance he kidnapped the boy?

I'm telling you the truth.

Really? Yes.

What are you guys talking about?

Grocery stores.

Oh, how nice.

Yeah, Dan told me how you can tell how loose a woman is by the way she picks

produce.

Oh, Dan, you didn't.

Bet you she never thumped a honeydew in her life.

You're in big trouble, buddy. I'm gonna nail you to the wall.

Peterson, I'm ready to settle. Yeah, I'm gonna skin you alive. I'm gonna crucify

you. I'm gonna beg your pardon.

Dan, you're gonna settle?

What are you talking about, Dan?

You heard me.

If a test shows even a possibility that the boy is mine, I want to take full

responsibility.

Why, Dan, that's... Noble?

Yeah, the word got stuck in my throat.

Where's my baby?

Hi, Mom.

Oh, honey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. What did I tell you I learned about grocery stores?

Honey, what are you doing here?

I came to see my dad.

Great news. We got Papa right where we want him. He's going to settle out of

court.

That's not Stan Fielding.

Dan Fielding?

Dan Stan, what's the difference?

Shut up. He's willing to pay through the nose, and you need the money

desperately. But that's not the father of my son.

He's not my father?

No, honey, he's not.

Marilyn, are you out of your mind?

Carolyn.

Really?

lady, let me.

I know every nook and cranny in this building a body can fit into.

Boys just got into the sacramental line, sure.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

It's none of your business.

Hey, sit.

I'm going to see my lawyer. See this lawyer.

Now, look.

Things like this, well, they seem to always have a way of working out for the

best.

I feel pretty confused.

Confused? Why would I feel confused?

Just because this morning I didn't have a father, this afternoon I did have a

father, and now I don't have a father again.

Hey, who cares? Hey, hey!

Get back here.

Who do you think you are?

And you had a tough break.

Listen, sometimes tough breaks turn out to be lucky breaks. And what starts off

as the worst day in your life can turn out to be the best day in your life.

Why are you telling me this? I have the faintest idea.

It's not true.

I'm telling you because... I like you.

What?

I like you.

You do?

What, you barge into my life, you eat two quarts of ice cream, you suction

yourself to my hip, you threaten to relieve yourself on my loafers.

What's not to like?

I like you too.

So?

So.

What do we do now?

We could be best friends, and I could come over to your house and play every

day.

Why don't I just write you a check instead?

Huh?

Well, kids need things, don't they?

Scarves, mittens, those really silly -looking galoshes.

A new baseball mitt?

Yeah, and a new baseball mitt.

Here.

This is for you.

Wow, $1 ,000 for a baseball mitt?

Get a bat, too.

Your mother will know what to do with the rest of it.

Can I see something personal?

Yeah, go ahead.

Can I see your balance?

That's my boy.

bone to pick with you about a friend of mine.

Oh, yeah?

Would that friend happen to be a sack of sawdust?

You lowdown conniving puppet killer!

I demand an apology.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You got it.

Huh?

Congratulations. You're the new shop steward.

What are you talking about?

The election's not until tomorrow.

Yeah, but it's all over for me.

I heard through the polls that you're going to win by a landslide.

I guess you deserve to after what I did to poor little Kermit the Log.

Why'd you do it, LaRue?

Shannon, what you saw was the act of a desperate woman.

Without my job, I'm nobody.

I got no friend.

Got no social life.

That job was the only thing that I had going for me in the whole wide world.

I had no idea it meant so much to you.

LaRue, if you want the

job, it's yours.

What? I think you're the best man for the job.

I'm withdrawing from the race.

You'd do that for me, a woman that treated you so rotten?

I'm funny that way.

I don't know what to say.

And

there's more

where that comes from.

Fail denied. Let's hold this one over for the grand jury.

And that's all she wrote, folks.

About time.

Business as usual tonight, Dan?

Yeah, tonight it's Giselle, the hot oil wrestler.

Oh, yeah, she's the one with wethenality.

Dan, I know this may be a waste of breath, but...

I just wanted you to know that the way you handled that boy showed a lot of

warmth and human compassion.

I bet you're not wearing a bra.

You're a pig.

I'm sorry I'm late. I thought they'd never let me out of there.

That's okay.

The game isn't started yet. We're all set.