Original subtitles

Hey, gang, how goes the world?

Enraged housewife shoots husband's pig in bizarre love triangles.

Caught him bringing home the bacon, huh?

Hi, Harry.

Hey, hi, guy. How you doing? Fine, just fine. Good to see you all. Oh, good to

see you. Who the hell is this guy?

Haven't got a clue.

So, Harry, how are your pet rabbits worms?

Thank you, Al.

Tell them you asked.

Excuse me, but you have us at a disadvantage. We don't know your name.

Wait, I remember now.

His name is, uh, uh... It's Bill.

No.

No, I'm pretty sure it is. We met at your Christmas party.

Christmas. I was also at your Halloween party, the New Year's Eve luau, and your

birthday. Oh, I get it. You're my caterer. Hey!

This guy is tremendous. He can make a meatloaf that looks like Dizzy

face.

I'm afraid I'm not following. Hi, everybody.

Hi. I see you found Bill.

Who? Me.

I got it.

George.

So, what brings you around?

Oh, not much.

We just wanted to announce we're getting married, that's all.

Mary? Can you top that?

Bigfoot reveals miracle diet.

So, we'll meet back here on my break around nine?

That's good for me. I am going to pencil you in.

Quite a guy.

Oh, yeah.

Got all the charisma of a three -bean salad.

See you later, sweetheart.

Affirmative.

What a disgusting display.

I get more action fishing for my keys.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

I guess you're a little shocked, aren't you?

Well... Actually, I'm a little shocked myself.

You know, all your life you think love is going to be this flash of passion and

romance. It hits you over the head like a sledgehammer, but it's not like that.

It's calm and quiet, and it builds up slowly over time.

Kind of like flack.

Beg your pardon?

I said, is that a fact?

We'll remand this one over to a higher court.

Well... Hey, how's the weather up there?

Listen, you got a sister?

Why don't we throw Christine one of those really filthy X -rated stag

Dan! We'll tell her it's a buffet.

But we'll arrange all the little sausages in a... Dan!

I guess you don't want to know what's in the watermelon boat, do you?

I do.

What do you got?

People versus debosians, sir.

Yes, sir. Destruction of property caged here.

The Attorney's Authority police arrested Mr. DeBoson here when they observed him

trying to tamper with a vending machine. Apparently, he had lost some change in

it and in an attempt to retrieve it, he got a metal object with which he tried

to open the machine and force the coin box, thereby defacing the mechanism of

dispensing the product.

Not only the glass... Are you in some kind of pain, woman?

I am so sorry, Your Honor. I was just... Twisting the night away. Yeah, I know.

Mr. DeBosian pleads guilty, Your Honor. Does he? Well, then guilty it is. $100

fine?

All right, that's lunch, people. Eat them if you got them.

Your Honor, Bill and I would like a moment of your time. Who?

Me. Oh, right. Why don't you two lovebirds wait in my office? I'll be

And don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Could you specify exactly what it is you wouldn't do?

Oh, I don't think I get it.

You won't much after the honeymoon, either.

I beg your pardon? Come on, Bill.

Love is strange, huh?

Yeah. If you know what you're doing.

Hey, kids, make yourselves

at home.

Excuse me, Harry.

What is this thing?

Are you serious? That's a slinky.

Slinky?

And what do you do with it?

You do this.

Why?

Because it's fun.

Huh. Ah.

Better put it away before we bust a gut, huh?

So, what's your line of work?

He's an actuary for all the top insurance companies.

Insurance. Golly, who would have guessed?

Bill discovered the statistical link between a sedentary lifestyle and colon

polyps. We should discuss that sometime.

Perhaps over dinner.

So when's the big event?

Ten months from now.

And we want you to marry us, sir.

Specifically, December 23rd at 145.

I'm busy.

Gee, that's too bad.

That's a joke.

Come on, what kind of idiot would schedule something ten months in advance

to the minute?

Right.

Hey, I tell you what. Would you give Christine and I just a couple of minutes

alone to have a chat, huh? Oh, I don't mind at all. I'm sure I'll find some way

to amuse myself.

Well, if you get too bored, you can always count the holes in the acoustical

tiling.

Oh, wow.

So, what do you think?

Oh, I really, really like his shoes.

He has the largest collection of wingtips in the state. I knew that.

Miss Sullivan, may I be frank?

Of course.

Your friend, he's kind of a...

What you would call, uh, how do you say it? He's, uh... Interesting?

Well, in a dietary fiber sort of way.

What are you trying to say, sir? Well, it's just that anybody who didn't know

him the way you do might find him sort of... dull.

Dull?

Of course, they'd be missing his fun side.

500 ,386 holes in the tiling.

practically have to rip the lampshade off his head.

Well, I will admit he's not into outrageous behavior.

Miss Sullivan, he's not into lifelike behavior.

What? All right, I know it's probably none of my business. That's right.

It's none of your business.

Hey, I am only thinking of you. You know, just because a person doesn't like

pull paper snakes out of his nostrils doesn't make him dumb.

You never even gave that trick a chance.

You know, you are prejudging him just because he's not a skinny, ridiculous

adolescent clown.

I am not skinny.

You know, I was probably wrong. You two are perfect for each other. You dot all

your I's, you cross all your T's, you schedule and plan the fun out of

everything, and you know why?

Because you are afraid of life. Oh, that is not true!

You name one spontaneous thing you have ever done. Just one.

Bill!

We're not getting married ten months from now. We're getting married tonight!

Good example.

Yeah.

I got the marriage license.

Well, that was quick.

Oh, I pulled a few strings.

Now, you've got to sign right here.

Oh, think of it, John. In just a few short hours, our little Christine is

actually going to get married.

By you.

I pity the slob who's still carrying the torch for her.

His gut should be twisting in the wind right now.

In fact, I've got the antacid right here, sir.

The nummies are here.

Oh, you bought a cake?

The bakery had a last -minute cancellation.

Happy 50th anniversary, Sam and Flora.

Sam had a heart attack this morning.

I guess this is Christine's lucky day.

Maybe we could trade him to China for a panda.

Mac, what's left?

Just the I do, sir. No more cases? Uh -uh. Nothing at all? Only the power

in you.

Well, then, let the joyous festivities begin.

Folks, we're adjourned.

Well, I hope I'm not late. I got started on a three -axis spreadsheet, and

before I knew it, I was up to my neck in multivariate statistics.

Don't you just love it when they talk dirty?

Let's gather around and get this thing over with.

Everybody say cheese.

Darn it, my pictures never turn out.

Bull, you do know you have to wait 60 seconds for the picture to develop.

had that camera?

Seven years.

Four vacations.

The flying saucer.

The time I met Rula Lenska.

Okay, then.

Dearly beloved, and all creatures great and small,

we are gathered here to join these two people in the bonds of holy wedlock.

which is a word that's made up of two other words, wed, meaning to marry, and

lock, meaning to affix permanently, which brings another topic to mind, that

locks and hardware, other hardware.

Your Honor.

Yeah? Perhaps we could speed things up if you only said things that actually

made sense.

Right.

You know who you are.

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold

through sickness and health, rich or poor, as long as you both shall live?

I do. Are you sure?

Yes. Okay, I'm just asking.

You don't have to bite my head off.

And do you, Christine Sullivan, take this man to be

your lawfully wedded husband?

to have and to hold through sickness and health, rich or poor, for

as long as you both shall live.

cost me over $200.

I can believe it. It's not leaking at all.

Wow.

It's true.

You wait long enough, it does come out.

Look at this.

Whoa.

These are the times of our lives.

Humiliated, mortified.

Come on, what's there to be embarrassed about?

I threw up in a briefcase at my own wedding.

Besides that.

I don't know, it must have been all the excitement.

Christine, can I make an observation here?

Feel free.

Your fiancé's a dud.

Ron, you don't even know him. He's just...

Honey, my parking spot is reserved.

That guy's a paperweight.

Oh, Roz, not you too. Why is everybody against it?

Forget everybody.

What about you?

What, you think this is a mistake too?

I think you should do what you want.

Just be sure about it.

I mean, you're going to have to live with this decision for the next 40 or 50

years.

47 .3.

Bill figured that out.

It's a long time to go between laughs.

And you do seem to like people who make you laugh.

Oh, the next thing you'll be telling me is I belong with someone like Harry.

Harry? Come on.

Harry's the kind that'll give you nothing but fun.

Warmth. One good time after another.

47 .3 years of that, and where are you?

I gotta run.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'll be there in a minute.

Take your time.

But whatever you decide, and I can't stress this enough, cock that ring.

I managed to pick up the letters on the cake with a knife and rearrange them

into something more appropriate.

Love is my saliva.

I had to work with what was there.

How is she?

About two pounds lighter.

That's statistically impossible.

Not in our cafeteria.

Is she coming back?

Yes.

I'm sorry for the delay.

Shall we continue?

Are you sure you're all right?

Oh, I'm fine. Why do you ask?

Well, a minute ago you did Lego your ego.

Oh, I've forgotten all about that.

Maybe this will ring a bell.

And they say there's always room for jello.

If we could continue.

Yeah, okay, let's regroup.

Where was I?

I believe you were up to Christine.

So I was.

Miss Sullivan, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have

and to hold through sickness and health, rich or poor, as long as you both shall

live?

No.

No?

No?

At least he's taking it well.

Bill, I'm so sorry. I'm truly sorry. It's horribly unfair to you, but I just

decided I can't go through with this.

I hope you understand.

You get what?

Everything. Every joke I've ever heard. My God, now I get it.

$20, same as in town.

Take my wife, please.

To get to the other side.

I heard my Aunt Letitia laugh like that once.

Right before she broke out the meat axe.

You should know, in one illuminating flash, I realized what a dull, dry,

predictable life I've been leading.

No, Phil, I wouldn't say that.

Well, of course you wouldn't, because you're as dull, dry, and predictable as

used to be.

My God, I almost married you. Talk about dodging a bullet.

Hey, do you get it?

I'm so glad I came to my senses before I did anything permanent.

Hey, sweetheart, do yourself a favor. Take your cork out before it's too late.

What's the matter with you?

Weddings are just so...

let's get you out of those wet things.

Oh, gee, golly, Ned, would you look at the time? I've got to alphabetize my

felonies. Yeah, and I'd better get to the cafeteria before they take the skin

off the pudding.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm real sorry things didn't work out.

I know that that was not easy for you.

No, I'm fine, really.

Okay.

And thank you. For what? For not saying I told you so.

Anytime.

No,

you first, please. No, you.

I... I just wanted to tell you that... Yeah.

I found the Epstein file.

Good, good.

I was just going to ask you about the Epstein file.

What, you really? Isn't that funny? We were both going to say the same thing.

That's funny.

i'll see you tomorrow yeah see you tomorrow

Yeah, almost had a wedding.

But we didn't.

Too bad.

Yeah, too bad.