Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Just another couple hours and we got ourselves a brand new spanking year.

Ladies and gentlemen, up with people.

I'm sorry, sir. We don't mean to seem like a bunch of... Morbid, gloomy

cankersaws.

I was going to say gloomy gussies.

I know.

I know it's tough working tonight, but think about what this really means to

you. Tippy -toeing around that festive vomit?

We're keeping this city open. And it is for people like this that we are doing

it. So let's not begrudge them. Let's try to recognize them as the wonderfully

important human beings that they are. Let's try to make this their best New

Year's ever.

The insert.

Ready to put 1986 in the books, sir? You betcha! The sooner we get started, the

sooner we can party!

I do so enjoy this time of the year.

You and all the rest of the... party

animals.

Excuse me, folks. The people behind you can't see.

Disturbing the peace?

Boy, it makes you want to run right out and have one, doesn't it?

The people versus 1987, sir.

Excuse me, mister.

He had his name legally changed to 1987, sir.

You can call me 19.

Well, the law precludes me from addressing you by your first digit.

Mr. 87.

I plan on doing a lot better with my year than that guy 1986 did with his. I

mean, come on. Chernobyl?

Reykjavik? Al Capone's vault?

Exactly. So you really think you're going to be responsible for everything

happens next year?

I'm going to make ABC the number one network again.

for psychiatric.

Come on, let's go.

What's next, Mac?

Uh, next case, sir.

Walter Jacob Wise.

Mac, remember pants.

The charge is indecent exposure.

Your Honor, my client was merely walking down the street when a sudden gust of

wind blew his nightie up over his head unexpectedly.

It was a freak of nature.

Oh, I don't know. Sure got a lot of compliments afterwards.

Mr. Wise, what were you doing out there dressed like this?

It has to do with my anniversary.

Your wedding anniversary?

Yeah, 42 years ago tonight.

I fell in love in Times Square.

Must have cost about a buck fifty back then, huh?

It was New Year's Eve, 1944.

The war in Europe was finally turning our way. People were in the mood to

about celebrating again. And it was in the middle of all that that I met my

Gertie.

Beautiful name.

Her tugboat.

In our 40 years of marriage, we always look back on that as a... Oh, wonderful,

magical moment.

It's a memory I've held dear every single day.

Since I lost her two years ago.

Excuse me, Arthur.

Perhaps Mr. Wise would be more comfortable in the privacy of my

Any objections?

Only a man who would drown a sack of kittens would object.

All right, go ahead.

Roz, Miss Sullivan, would you escort Mr. Wise to my office?

Folks, we're going to take five.

1987 escape.

My, where has the year gone?

Well, Bull, why don't you round up the other bailiff, see if you can find him.

I'll be back.

Where would you be if you were wearing a diaper?

At home, entertaining a few close friends.

Oh, we were just madly in love.

But my unit was shipping out to Europe in two weeks.

You have to remember, this is 40 years ago.

I mean, people weren't as liberated then about certain matters.

So you didn't... Of course we did.

We just felt guilty about it for an hour.

Well, I see everybody's feeling better.

Walt was just telling us about the night he met Gertie. Yeah, Gertie and I

greeted the new year by dancing the night away.

Lombardo. Good...

The Meltones.

The Meltones?

As in Mel Torme and the Meltones?

You are about to be kissed on the lip by a judge.

Whatever happened to a slap on the wrist?

Well, I still do not understand what you were doing out there in 30 -degree

weather in nothing but your pajama top.

Freezing my bejubies off.

If you must know, Your Honor, I walked out of a hospital.

I see. Which one?

I'd rather not say.

You see, if I tell you, they'll send me back.

Your Honor, maybe if I could speak with him privately. No, I'm sorry, Miss

Sullivan. I won't tell you either.

Hey, did I mention you have the loveliest cheekbones?

Walt, you have got to understand the serious... Do I really?

Oh, Brooke.

I want to check out a couple of the hospitals and nursing homes in the area.

There might be some very worried people out there looking for him.

Yeah.

Some warrants for you to sign, sir.

Okey -doke.

I looked everywhere for 1987, sir.

No luck.

You looked everywhere?

Yes, sir.

How about up on the roof?

Checked it.

He just disappeared into thin air.

Nobody can do that.

Mind your own business.

Okay.

I embarrassed my species again, didn't I?

May I help you?

I'm Lieutenant Gerard. I'm looking for somebody.

Well, you're out of luck. Everybody here's got two arms.

Huh? Well, you know, Lieutenant Gerard, Dr.

Richard Kimball chasing the one -armed man.

The Fugitive, big TV show.

I don't watch TV.

Not enough violence.

Hey, Mac, listen, I want you to call... Hey, Judge Stone, as advertised, who are

you? Lieutenant Gerard.

Came looking for the one -armed man, did you?

Trust me, sir, it ain't going nowhere.

I'm with the New Jersey Bureau of Prisons.

Well, gee, you don't look too happy. And you don't look old enough to shave.

Matt, go get my razor.

It has a little double on it that might amuse the gentleman.

Yeah, well, save it. I got bigger fish to fry.

Got a warrant here.

Pick up an escaped felon.

Walter Wise.

Walter Wise?

Tall guy, silver goatee, cute little knees.

That slime cake escaped from the prison hospital last night in a cadaver bag.

And I'd be lucky if I don't take him back in one.

That doesn't make sense.

Tell me about it.

A doofus rabbit's with short time and a back nine.

Go figure.

Yeah, go figure.

Sorry, Lieutenant, I don't speak gumshoe.

I said he escaped for only two months until his parole.

Mr. White? No. No way. Can't be. Must be a mistake.

Uh -huh.

Well, you and Barney Fife can stand around here oohing and aahing all day

after I get my delivery.

Should I go get him, or do you want me to stay here with Mr. Sunshine?

I'll get him.

Hey. Did you hear the one about the left foot break dancer?

And one, and a two, and a one, two, three. There, you got it. I know I got

just want to use it more often.

You know, when I first danced with Gertie, I was wearing my navy dress

Oh, Miss Sullivan.

And a pause, and a dip.

Excuse me, you're in conference.

Walt here was just telling us about the uniform he was wearing when he met his

wife. Really?

Was it as nice as your prison uniform?

Hey, did I mention I'm an escaped felon?

No, you kind of left that part out, Walt.

Felon? What about the hospital?

It's a prison hospital.

I said they'd send me back, remember?

I never lied to you.

Please,

please, Your Honor, don't be upset.

It is very important for me to get the Times Square tonight.

You could have gone next year. Your parole is in two months.

Two months?

Would it kill you to have waited two months?

As a matter of fact, yes.

You see, I'm... I'm dying.

He is gonna die?

Hey, we're all gonna die.

Some of it's just sooner than later.

We're pulling for you, Gerard.

How long does Mr.

Wise have to live?

Hey, what am I, his doctor?

All I know is an escape con, I gotta take him back.

Roz, self -image is everything.

Show men a little tenderness, a sense of humor.

You'll see the difference.

I'll try.

But I'm gonna miss slapping him around.

Hello, Gerard.

What? No hug? And I even brought you delightful parting gifts.

Matching bracelets.

Are handcuffs really necessary?

Hey, lady, we're dealing with a criminal here. What exactly did he do?

The lowest, most despicable of offenses against society.

You mean... I was a car salesman.

He was a car salesman until he decided to branch out into grand theft auto.

Is that true, Mr. Wise?

It's true, Your Honor.

I... I went through a pretty hard time after Gertie died.

I thought I was okay until I went back to work after the funeral.

I guess I snapped. I sold every car on the lot before any of the other salesmen

came in.

Walt, many people express their grief differently. Some men might weep when

you've sold cars.

For a dollar each.

Lieutenant Gerard, I'm wondering that in view of Mr.

Wise's special circumstance in the holiday season, maybe you could stretch

rules a little bit and take him back to jail by way of Times Square?

Oh, sure, we could stop off at the Waldorf, too, and catch the champagne

dance.

Well, I can't speak for Walt on that one, but... This guy, this guy ain't

nowhere except back to his cell.

Gerard, evidently you're forgetting that you're in my court.

So?

Then you didn't forget, huh?

No, and I also didn't forget that failure to comply with a legal warrant

some heavy dues, Judge.

Then you leave me no choice.

He's yours.

Sir.

After, we've gone back into session and disposed of his case. Say, ten minutes.

Okay, that's fine.

I'll call in, let him know we're coming.

The sooner we get these animals back in the cage, the better.

Oh, by the way, Happy New Year.

Say what you will, he's got a sense of humor.

Oh, sir, that was brilliant. You bought just enough time to pull one of your

incredible saves. So tell us, what's your plan?

Step one, to go someplace quiet and think up step two.

No wonder he's the judge. I didn't even have a plan.

Your high school couldn't afford a tackling dummy, could they?

So the gorilla says, hey, if I could sing, do you think I'd be hanging around

here?

Hey, gang.

Where's Thunk?

Oh, Your Honor, are you sure you've tried everything?

I'm a judge, damn it, not a magician.

Well, not primarily a magician.

Walt, I'm sorry. I did my best.

It's all right, Your Honor. I understand.

All right, people, settle down.

I just went to the bathroom.

I'm not changing him.

Some nutcase stole my suit.

How? Aren't you armed?

He snuck up behind me and...

Held a safety pin to my throat.

Then what's holding up your diapers?

Willpower!

Now, would it be too much trouble for you to get me some clothes?

Have a little rash, do we?

Enough is enough.

I want some clothes.

I want me a prisoner.

And I want out of here.

Now!

You simmer down, Gerard, and we'll get you some clothes.

Walt, I'm sorry. I am going to have to transfer you. Mac, would you make sure

everything's in order?

Sir, should I get Baby Huey here to send me a copy of the warrant?

What's that? The warrant, sir. Should I get him to send me a copy?

You don't have the warrant?

It's in my other suit.

Well, then that would mean that he also got the I .D.

that proves who you are.

Oh. Oh, sir, I'm starting to like this.

Well, well, well, Lieutenant Gerard, if that is your real name.

Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

You can send this down to his headquarters for verification.

I'm not sending that anywhere.

You don't suppose he's afraid of an I .D. check, do you?

Think he has a record?

They never did close that Jimmy Hoffa thing.

Crazy? Crazy. That's another possibility altogether.

Crazy. Did he look crazy to you, Matt?

Mad as a hatter, sir. Rob, does a bear take a reader's digest in the woods?

All right.

You win.

I'll take him to Times Square.

Hey, why don't we photograph him in a compromising position with my cat?

Miss Sullivan, it's all over.

I knew that.

Why don't you just get me some clothes so I can get this over with?

Fine, Gerard, but I don't think I can trust you. Bull, would you escort the

lieutenant here, make sure he doesn't get lost on his way to Times Square?

Certainly, sir.

Stop by the prison sometime, Judge.

I'd love to. Drop me in a hole with a psycho killer for about an hour?

Is Thursday good for you?

Fine.

Wonderful. This was marvelous.

Hey, this was great. This, this was... This...

This is goodbye, then.

We're gonna miss you all.

Hey, Matt.

Don't you and Quan Lee worry too much about money problems.

Now, it's true. If you got love...

He got everything.

Except, of course, credit.

I'll remember that.

Hello? Mr. Wise, if there's anything I can do, if the doctors decide you need

something donated, like an organ... I'm afraid you don't have anything that

would fit.

But... Thank you.

Thanks, anyway.

Ross, I expect a letter.

I want to hear how it's going with the men, huh?

Okay, well... And remember what I said.

The most important thing is to be yourself.

So an occasional body slam won't hurt.

Deal.

You take care.

Christine.

Walt.

Now, you listen to me. I think it's entirely possible that those doctors are

wrong and you can be treated.

From what I know about you, I think you can beat that.

Maybe you're right.

I bet she knows the words to every Mary Poppins song.

She's got them tattooed on her arm.

I'll remember you, Walt.

We all will.

Hey, Bull.

Come on. I got a date to keep.

Hey, Walt.

You know, maybe Christine's right.

Anything's possible.

I'll say hello to Guy Lombardo for you.

The crowd here at Times Square is getting excited with only a minute to go

midnight. Who wants to join me in a toast?

Oh, yes, the traditional magnum of Bosco.

I sure hope Walt made it to Times Square.

Isn't that him standing next to that lamppost?

Hey, that's not a lamppost, that's Bull.

By my watch, we got 30 seconds. No, no, look. On top of that building, it's Mr.

1987.

Now we can see what the commotion is. A man is hanging on the big red ball as it

makes its descent.

He looks goofy in Lieutenant Gerard's suit.

Well, not anymore.

He's stripping.

And he didn't find a new diaper.

Boy, these new sets sure bring out the flesh tones, don't they?

Just so the evening's not a complete waste, how about giving Danny Boy the

traditional New Year's kiss, huh?

Okay, but just this once.