Original subtitles

You want to sign these for me, Judge? Sure, you want to see a card trick rise?

Here, you cut the deck.

You want to sign those for me now, Judge?

Whatever you say.

Did you say something?

Like what?

Like... You're drooling all over the warrant.

Oh, sorry.

It's Mac.

I'll go get some bibs.

Hey,

Mac, are you okay?

Oh, yes, sir. It's a personal problem. Not the court's concern. I'll be fine.

You sure? Oh, yes, I'm sure.

Okay.

Next case, sir. Huebner versus Huebner.

That's what I thought you said. You've done some pretty little things, Darlene,

but this is the law. Hey, I don't need to be lectured about low from someone

who's sleeping with Schleppo the Wonder Runt here.

Mr. Prosecutor, what's the story here? Your Honor, we have a tragic situation

here involving increasing alienation between the two sisters who stand before

you. I'm sure the court deplores as much as the state does the circumstances

which would cause... Make it brief, Dan.

Hatchetface snatched her father from the sluts.

Your Honor, both daughters are claiming right to custody of their father, Mr.

Huebner. He was temporarily staying in the home of the plaintiff, Miss Lorna

Huebner. Daddy always loved me back.

That's a lie!

He almost disowned her when she took up with the slob. But I didn't marry the

slob, did I? Even worse, you moved in with him. And the slob is...

Neil Gorman, Your Honor.

Slob's just a nickname my parents gave me.

Well, I guess butch was kind of out of the question.

Your Honor, my father's dying words were, no matter what... Don't make me go

with Darlene.

Why, you liar! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dying words? Is Dad dead?

Has a kipper on a cracker.

I'm sorry to say.

Well, it's just the way you were talking about him. I kind of got the impression

that he was, you know, here.

He is, Your Honor.

This is Mr.

Huebner.

Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.

Okay, let me get this straight. This contains the remains of your departed

father? Uh -huh. After he died, he was cremated.

It's always better after.

I specifically requested that my father be given to me.

Well, I'm having a little trouble seeing why it's so important where he is now.

Sir, you're talking about my father, the man I love.

Nothing says loving like someone in the oven.

And because the urn is laced with 14 -carat gold. That's a lie. The urn just

happens to go with daddy.

Yeah, well, it just happens to go with my drapes. Your drapes. Ladies, ladies,

ladies, ladies.

Now, grief and decor aside, you got to understand that I can only listen to one

voice at a time.

belongs to him. Believe me, believe me, those checks will be in the mail to you

by morning.

In fact, you know what I told my wife?

Yeah, I said, cancel all plans, sweetheart. Tonight we are licking

Mac, do you mind?

Oh, no, sir. Just go right ahead.

Your Honor, I move for dismissal. Well, I don't see any grounds for a

trespassing charge, so I'll grant the motion.

Uh, what about the disposition of, uh... The soot?

Ladies, I don't suppose you'd consider splitting dad 50 -50, would you?

Didn't think so.

Guess that idea was sort of... Half -baked.

I never used to be like this, huh?

Well, until I can make a determination about permanent custody, we'll just

consider old Herb here a ward of the court, which is adjourned.

Dan, give that to Bull, would you? Sure.

You done?

Yeah. I guess they removed the jewelry before, huh?

Matt, would you get that?

Thanks.

Matt, is there anything I can do to help?

Yeah.

Give me all your money.

Matt, give me my hands. If I can.

Hey, hey, now.

Does somebody mind telling me what's going on here?

I think Mac is mugging me, sir. Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac.

Now, what is this about the money?

Sir, you know the little restaurant Quan Lee and I bought?

Sure. Toilet City.

Well, it's not the Russian tea room. Sir, it's not the subway men's room.

It just never took off. I don't know.

Maybe if we had... A customer?

That would have helped.

But the point is, the bank loan's due and I'm broke.

So you might lose the restaurant? Yeah, and my car, and my furniture, even the

clothes on my back.

Oh, Max.

I love this sweater, Harry.

Oh, Max, how did you get yourself into this mess?

Hi, everybody.

I married the national debt.

What did we say about sales?

Oh, don't worry, Mac.

These were not on sale.

How much?

Hello, my great big hunk of man.

How much? You look tired.

You want me to rub your neck?

How much, Juan Lee?

$488.

I already got matching lazy boys thanks to her.

You're upset, I can tell. Kwan Lee, we're at the brink of losing our assets.

We're on the end of our rope, and you went out and bought a whole new

I had to. Oh, yeah, just like you had to buy the Statue of Liberty bedspreads,

and you had to buy the commemorative dinner plates of Princess Di's wedding.

You too?

What color?

It's silver.

Mac, those things were just fun.

You women always need a new wardrobe.

But I do.

Why?

Because I'm pregnant.

What? How could you be pregnant?

missing since last night.

Well, he's about six foot two, 200 pounds, muscular build.

And he may be fondling his sweater.

Hello.

Hello. Hello, Harry.

Hi, Kwan Lee.

Kwan Lee still has nerd from Mac, Your Honor.

I'm worried, Harry.

Maybe he did something drastic.

Kwan Lee, don't even think like that.

Well, he's not in the dumpster.

Bull was just checking out every possibility, no matter how remote or

Right, Bull?

Yeah, and because you told me to look there.

No Mac in the morgue.

Dan? Hi. He sometimes goes down there and plays poker with the guys.

Harry, you should see what they use for chip.

Juan Lee, I think probably the best thing for you to do is just go home and

wait. We'll call you if we hear anything.

If you think it's best. I do.

If anything has happened to him, I... Honey, nothing has happened to him.

me.

Thank you, Christine.

He's dead. I know it.

Miss Sullivan.

Oh, now, what the hell is that?

It's not the generator.

All right, what are you doing?

I tracked down a short circuit to your office, sir.

Here it is right here. You're not getting any juice to your coffee maker.

Hey, that's great. Listen, Art, we really don't have time for this. No

your honor.

Let's see if we can't get Mr.

Electricity and Mr. Coffee to shake hands here.

What are we going to do about Mac?

What do you do? Quit his job so he can pursue his singing career?

Art.

What, since the day we met, have you been talking about?

Mac was singing a bunch of songs down at the bar last night.

And he's not bad.

What bar?

Stinky Slaughterhouse Saloon.

Wednesday's Stun Your Own Beef Night.

And you saw Mac in there?

Yeah. He was singing a medley of Slim Whitman's greatest hits.

Now listen, when I tell you guys to clear, stay away from all electrical

outlets. You got that?

We're going to a cowboy bar, aren't we, sir?

Yep.

Court's ready when you are, Judge. Roz, do me a favor. Call downstairs, tell

them we're going to be starting late tonight, and then meet us at Dinky's

Slaughterhouse Balloon.

Dinky? Whatever shall I wear?

You're done.

Okay, get clear of those sockets!

Now I'm getting way too much curl from somewhere.

Tell me they didn't suffer.

This must be the place.

What's that smell?

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I think there's a two -bucket minimum.

This is my manager.

How you doing?

I'm dusty.

I must have the name of your oral hygienist.

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Let's have some beers.

Mac, maybe you've had a few too many. Everybody get a seat.

Mac, you see, we're not really here. Sit down!

I'll go get us something to gnaw on.

Oh, God, let it be dead.

Gotta get him out of here. I don't think he wants to go.

Okay, we gotta get me out of here.

Excuse me, can you tell me where the ladies' room is, please?

See that group of men kneeling with that peephole in the wall?

Never mind.

I understand.

A little touch of stage fright, huh?

This is Ginger.

She can spit four ounces of beer through her nose.

And no man has snatched you up yet?

What'll it be?

For starters, you could wipe the blood off the table.

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

Cottage fries or the rice pilaf with that?

Um, could I see your wine list, please?

Take your pick.

Chardonnay looks good.

I'll get you a can.

She seems nice.

Ah, that woman will bend over backwards for you.

She has to to show you the dessert menu.

Matt, we've been worried about you.

And you still should be.

Matt, what's that supposed to mean?

Well, you know the way my luck's been going. You hang around me, and I will

something horrible happen to you.

What do you mean, like being stuck in a stinking fetid room with the folks from

Deliverance?

There you go.

Mac, this is not like you.

I mean, so you had a little run of bad luck.

A little bad luck?

Harry, that's like saying the elephant man had a little puffiness around the

eye.

Mac. Yeah?

I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but...

on, aren't I?

Oh,

thank you, thank you, thank you very much.

I'd like to do a tune that's a favorite of mine, and I hope it's one of yours,

too.

I call it The Theme from Shaft.

You can be the diversion. I'm gonna make a run for it. How about Psychedelic

Shaft?

Boogaloo down Broadway?

Well, what do you suggest?

Babaloo!

Okay, anything by Desi Arnaz.

All right, well, let's give it a shot.

Okay, hit it.

Your dreams and your schemes all

fell through.

It's got a good beat. I can dance to it. I'll give it a 50, Dick.

Am I blue?

What's she doing here?

Well, I called her to tell her we found Mac, but I didn't expect her to come

here.

All of you go home now.

I will handle this.

That's good enough for me. Let's do this again real soon. Bye now.

Well, help me get him out. I said leave him!

I know you are concerned, and I appreciate it.

But I am his wife, and I will take care of him.

Come on.

Listen, I hope you'll be here Saturday night, because we got us a wet t -shirt

contest.

I'd rather dance with a greased pig.

That's Sunday.

Mac, we've been through trouble before.

We can get through this one.

Let me see you smile.

Smile?

I'm laying here licking a stage and you want me to smile?

Mac, we have our whole life ahead of us.

We've got nothing but misery ahead of us.

Then what are we supposed to do? Come in.

I think I'm going crazy.

You just figured that out?

Thanks, that's reassuring.

When I was a girl in Vietnam, I fell in love with you.

Because you did the craziest thing I ever saw.

What was that?

You planted corn.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was brilliant, wasn't it?

Plowing the jungle floor.

Everybody making fun of me. Max. Monkeys laughing.

But you wanted it so bad.

Everywhere with death and destruction.

But one crazy man tried to make something grow in the middle of that

hell. But it never did.

It was after you shipped back to the States.

We noticed this one little tiny baby corn plant still struggling to grow.

It was pretty sick -looking.

But for some reason, it continued to live.

Do you know why?

Why?

It did not know it wasn't supposed to.

What kind of father am I going to be? What kind of provider?

We don't even have seeds left.

Then we'll get acorns.

Acorns?

Remember my poem from English class?

I am a little acorn.

A fact that's plain to see.

But remember that... The mighty oak.

Was once a nut like me.

Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Sometimes you don't.

I thought I'd vaporized a whole bunch of yous.

So I take it, Art, all your little electrical problems are taken care of?

Yep, everything's copacetic, sir. See, I haven't got your coffee maker perking

again. So you do.

We're almost ready, sir.

Hey, Mac, good to see you.

Or should I say, yippee -ki -yay -oh!

Please don't, sir.

So how you feeling about that new baby now?

Oh.

Of course, it's caused quite an upheaval in our lives.

Already? Yeah, well, this morning, Kwan Lee was upheaving, and after last night,

I was upheaving.

Wait till the baby comes.

More heaving? You can kiss that sweater goodbye right now.

Your Honor, the Huebner sisters are waiting to see you.

Herb's kids? What do they want?

Apparently, they settled their differences and had some sort of

So what about the Ashes?

They said whatever you decide to do with them is fine with both of them.

Oh, well, okay.

But I haven't really made a decision as... Hey, this thing's empty.

Oh, Peggy, I'm sorry, Rondo. I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee

maker.

This wasn't herb tea.

This was herb.