Original subtitles

What's next, Mac?

People versus Dobbs.

Aggravated assault.

What'd he do?

Tried to rip the eyebrows off of his postman.

Your Honor, my client was upset when a package was delivered to his home by

mistake. So that's the reason for trying to peel a man's face clean?

Well, Your Honor, the package was really intended for the Greater Manhattan

Sperm Bank.

So then the package contained... The stuff that dreams are made of.

How could any competent mailman make a mistake like that? My wife fainted when

she opened it. It was packed in dry ice, so we just assumed it was our regular

selection from the Fruit of the Month Club.

Yeah, Kiwi Herman.

May I ask, where is the evidence now?

I put it in... refrigerator in the guards lounge sir did you label it no

but what a great idea don't bother the

seal's been broken so you can just dispose of it now we can't use it

are you alice beaker vice president candidate selection greater manhattan

bank my card

Give a hoot.

Bear some fruit.

I'm going to find this defendant guilty of aggravated assault with extenuating

circumstances, so we'll make it a $100 fine and one day in jail suspended,

Very fine.

Bizarre case, huh?

Yeah. I'll have her getting a mail of some junk from Ed McMahon.

Interested in becoming a donor?

No, my motto is love the one you're with unless it's a jar.

Are you sure?

Lady, why would anyone degrade themselves like that?

For a hundred bucks a throw.

Two or three times a week.

That's $1 ,200 a month.

I could defile myself into a Porsche by the end of the year.

Zoom, zoom, zoom.

What's next, Mac?

People versus Lamprakas?

Partying with those outside of his own species?

Hey, Mac, it's Mrs.

Rothman.

No Rothman on the docket, sir.

Oh, I haven't been arrested.

Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Rothman, this is invitation only.

But I murdered my husband.

Will that be a party of one, then?

Mrs. Rothman, I'm sure you're aware of the serious implications of a confession

of murder.

Can I have a cup of coffee?

Coffee?

Sure, what would you like in it?

Oh, don't bother, I'll get it. No, no, that's okay. I don't mind.

Anybody else for coffee?

No. Well, as long as you're up.

Now, Pat.

Mrs.

Rothman, about the consequences.

What a little... A little bit of vanilla in the pot takes away the bitterness.

I'll try that. Mrs. Rothman, I... That's the only way Arnold would drink it.

Arnold!

My husband.

The one I shot.

Mrs. Rothman, where'd you get the gun?

That was Arnold's.

I had it here just a minute ago.

I put it over here on the desk, ma 'am.

Well, thank you, young man.

Oh, what a pretty sweater.

Well, thank you.

Excuse me. I think I'll just run down and redecorate that holding cell.

Mrs. Rothman. Feel the quality of that wall.

Absolutely wonderful.

Thank you, sir.

Mrs. Rothman, why did you kill your husband?

We had an argument over what we were going to have for dinner.

I thawed some chicken.

But Arnold said he didn't want that. He wanted a roast.

And I... said, as long as it's thawed, why not have chicken?

Once they're thawed, I like to use things right away, don't you?

Oh, yes, of course.

But I think I could be flexible about it, though.

Mrs. Rothman, did your husband beat you?

That's disgusting.

I don't ever lay a hand on me in 35 years of marriage.

Yet you shot him over chicken.

It was thawed.

Mrs. Rothman, maybe we better call the police, huh?

Of course, whatever you say. I hope they won't be offended that I didn't call

them first.

I didn't know what was proper.

Yes, it's so hard to know nowadays.

We can save time by filling out this questionnaire here so you can make your

first deposit tonight.

It'll be my pleasure.

Yeah.

Fine. Now, have you ever donated before?

Yes, he gave at the office.

I'm never going to get through this.

No, I haven't.

Have you ever had a semen analysis?

You mean by a professional?

Negative on that, too, babe.

Now, let's get into your underwear.

What kind do you wear?

necessary, all of this, yeah? I'm afraid so, Mr. Fielding. In fact, it gets even

more personal.

You see, we have to delve into every aspect and detail of your sex life as

of a screening process.

You really enjoy your work, don't you?

Immensely.

It doesn't make sense.

I know.

Adorable little assassin, isn't she?

I don't think she murdered anybody.

I don't even think she has a husband. I think she's just senile.

Or lonely?

Yeah.

A plea for attention.

Like those people who call false alarms into the cops just for the company?

Well, that's certainly a possibility.

Well, I think it's more than a possibility.

Mrs. Rothman, could I ask you a few questions?

Shoot.

Mrs. Rothman, my personal feeling is that the events you described weren't

quite accurate.

I think perhaps you've been alone for a long, long time, and, well, sometimes

memories can be comforting.

And yet, if those memories don't provide that comfort, sometimes we change them

a little.

You know, make them a little more interesting, put a little excitement

our lives.

Mrs. Rothman, what did your husband really die from?

38 caliber bullet wound at close range.

Police just called.

Thank you for hearing me out.

be able to crochet in the slammer?

Oh, I don't see why not.

On television, they take away the sharp objects.

Not that a crochet needle is very sharp.

But I suppose you could waste somebody with one.

Waste somebody?

You watch a lot of television, don't you, Mrs. Rothman? Oh, yeah.

Arnold and I love to watch TV.

Especially the 700 Club.

for our favorites.

You have diversified interests.

Oh, yes.

Not doing the same thing all the time so that you get bored with it is the spice

of life, Arnold used to say.

Very poetic.

That was Arnold.

Ross, could you take Mrs. Rothman to get something to eat?

Sure. Right this way, Mrs. Rothman.

Oh, by the way, is there any chance I'll go to the electric chain?

No, not in this state.

Oh, good.

Then I'll have the grilled cheese.

Sir, the man from Homicide should be here any minute now.

Great.

So, how's our Mrs. Rossman? Oh, happy as the clam that's buried in the sand

where no one's digging for him.

Thank you, pardon?

Arnold used to say that all the time. Ah.

I don't think you know what you're talking about, lady. Please, Mr.

happens to a lot of men. Not to me, it doesn't.

Dan, what happened?

They rejected me.

Many are cold, but few are frozen.

They rejected you? Why?

His sperm is slow and immature.

I'm so sorry I asked.

That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while

at it?

I'll start with the cafeteria.

Mr.

Speaker, is this something abnormal?

Oh, not at all.

He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.

Which are?

60 million per cc.

I demand a recount.

Oh, Mr.

Fielding, your problem could be attributed to fatigue.

How recent was your last sexual encounter?

What time is it now?

It would be no problem to retest you, but to be sure we have an accurate

I suggest you abstain for two weeks.

I got 20 says he doesn't make it back to his car.

Give me a call when you're ready, Mr. Fielding.

Oh, our clinical aid.

The nymphos of Norway.

The Bible of the industry.

You gonna try?

I have to know, Harry.

Well, I hope you make it, Dan.

I mean, I hope you don't make it.

She's really coming around, isn't she?

There on Mack Robinson Inn.

Right over there.

Thanks.

Hugh Robinson?

Yeah.

Sergeant Braverman.

Homicide. Mind if we sit down?

No, y 'all go right ahead.

We've been on our feet all day.

That's why they call us flatfoots.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I stopped off at the... hospital to visit my partner he was shot oh i'm

this is the first time we've been separated in 20 years 21 really

so show us what you got

right this way

of Homicide.

Hi. How are you?

Ma 'am. Hi.

Ma 'am, is there somebody else out there?

I can't see for sure, sir.

I understand you got a confession in the Rothman case.

Sergeant, are you sure he's dead?

Hard as a carp.

He just got back from the scene.

We who?

That's what I want to know.

Where's the suspect?

Okay, we don't want any problems with you.

Get on your own and send for some backups now.

Sergeant, not him, her.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet your acquaintance.

You mean you're the one who, uh... Sprayed some lead.

Sergeant, was there any sign of a struggle in the Rothman house?

No, the guy was still in his pajamas.

She evidently killed him in bed.

Sergeant, Mrs. Rothman claims they were having an argument.

Then they argued in bed.

Because he was a big guy, there's no way she could have carried him around.

I understand you've got the weapon?

Yes. If you and your party would step over here.

You were arguing in bed about dinner?

I like to plan out all my meals first thing in the morning.

Yeah, I'm the same way.

Sergeant. Were there any drugs in the Rothman home?

What kind of drugs? Any kind.

Some prescription drugs, yeah.

A lot of them? You could say that. What would you say?

A considerable amount.

Thank you. What's your point, Judge?

I think Mrs. Rothman knows.

I don't know what you're talking about.

How sick was your husband?

My lawyer says I don't have to say a thing.

He shot himself, didn't he?

Arnold was a brave man.

He would never do anything like that.

Never.

He was not a weak man.

I don't want anybody to think he was a weak man.

He was in a lot of pain, wasn't he?

Yeah.

There was a lot of pain.

But we all have our limits, Mrs. Rothman.

And my grandfather used to tell me that beyond a man's limits

is a place that God just doesn't want us to be alone in.

Did I mention that color looks good on you, too?

All the time, the big lug was worried about me.

He used to draw cartoon characters on the back of his prescriptions to make me

laugh.

There's a cute little armadillo on the back of the note he left me.

You hear that? She's got a note.

We can tie up the loose ends real easy if the handwriting is set.

Later.

Here it is.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

That part's not original.

But you know I love you.

You've always known that.

Doesn't rhyme.

Just an observation.

Mrs. Rothman, I'm gonna have to take you down to headquarters for a formal

statement. Of course.

I understand.

Here you go.

Oh, and, uh, Sergeant.

I'd stop by the police shrink if I were you.

I think you're suffering from severe separation anxiety.

What's that supposed to mean?

Look it up.

Look it up where?

Well, bye, everybody.

You take care of yourself.

Well, I will.

It'll be a little bit lonely now, but as Arnold used to say, laugh

and the whole world laughs with you.

Weep and you weep alone.

That's the only thing you ever got right.

The story's been abstaining.

Positive.

Mr. Fielding?

Well, if it isn't the mistress of the mason jar.

I said I'd be down there in the morning, didn't I? That's why I stopped by. It

won't be necessary.

What are you talking about?

Turns out we made a mistake.

It was a new man in the analysis section. He mixed up your test results

with those of another person.

So what you're saying is... Your sperm is just dandy.

three o 'clock in the morning and I don't have a day.

Don't keep me waiting.