Original subtitles

What's next, Max?

Indecent exposure.

People versus Tatiana.

Is this the flasher or the flashy?

The flasher. She was caught swimming naked in Central Park.

Yeah, so that's when the police arrested the little dipper.

I see.

So did everyone else. Apparently, a 10K race was in progress, and the

frontrunner stopped to watch her peel. The others toppled like dominoes.

Your Honor, she told me that she didn't realize nude swimming was illegal.

It is wrong to be naked?

Not necessarily.

It sort of depends on where you decide to do it. For example, in Dan's

apartment, it's mandatory.

How can you have laws against pleasure?

Or do you not enjoy to feel the warm sun embracing your body and the water drops

like tiny sparks on your flesh?

I do.

It needed to be said.

I agree with the defendant.

There's nothing like that feeling of complete freedom she was talking about.

Roz, you don't mean you go swimming in the nude, too?

No. Bowling.

You bowl naked?

Not completely.

They make me wear those little red and green shoes.

I am sorry if I offend your customs.

But I do not have to obey your laws anyway.

You're not from around these parts, are you?

I am Tatiana, Princess of Kapua.

Hi, I'm Dan.

King of hanky -panky.

It is Kepua.

Hey, look at that.

Gee, I always thought a fly did that.

Kepua is not a large island, but as a nation we are, oh, how do you say,

developing.

Keep up the good work.

Sir, sir, her story checks out in the State Department. She is a princess. So

got to let her go. Nope, we got to hold her.

Right.

I knew that.

She's here on an official state visit. She slipped away from a group at the U

.N. reception.

They've been looking all over for her. The State Department's got a man

hightailing it over here. No, I won't go, please. You must not let them take

Hold on. No one's going to take you if I have anything to say about it.

Have I got anything to say about it?

Judge, the pleasure of your company is requested in the courtroom.

Yeah, Roz, one minute. Now.

Through the time as any.

What's going on?

Trust me, you'll want to see this for yourself.

Who the heck are those guys?

Donhold's backup band?

Where is she? Bring her to me. Sir, I can assure you as your sister's defense

attorney, everything is... I demand to have my sister brought to me.

Hey, Bob, I don't know who you are, but you don't go demanding anything in my

courtroom. I am Maurice, crown prince of Kepua.

Your Highness. Good to see you again.

Is any one of these Judge Stone?

Yeah. Not the guy in the half -slip. The guy in the ankle -length gown.

President Cowdery, State Department.

Harry Stone, registered Democrat.

Oh, God.

Is this about Tatiana?

Hmm. It was first reported as an incident, then it was upgraded to

And now we're on the brink of having a full -blown occurrence.

Mm -hmm.

Well, let's hope we nip this one before it becomes a circumstance.

By the way, what the hell are we talking about?

Arresting the princess jeopardizes some very delicate negotiations we're having

to place an airbase on Kapua.

The long and the short of it is stone.

Do us all a favor, cut the girl loose.

Well, I'm not sure I can do that.

Well, she does have diplomatic immunity from prosecution, Your Honor. That means

I will... A tiana must be given to me now, or I swear I will... Hold it,

I wasn't finished!

In Capua, no woman dares talk to a man that way.

Yeah, well, you're not in Capua now, chicken legs. You're in America.

And furthermore, my sex has absolutely no bearing on the fact that I am a

trained attorney, so pipe down and let me do this.

I have never been spoken to in this way by anyone.

I like it.

Have no choice, Stone. You've got to let Tatiana go.

Oh, yeah? Well, I don't have to do anything until I get all the facts.

Never have I seen such a woman.

And wearing so many clothes.

Just look at her.

She's almost completely covered.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Could you just button that top button for me?

Sorry to keep you waiting. Please make yourself comfortable.

Oh, thank you.

Ross?

I'll be your witness, sir. You did nothing to instigate this.

Of course, you're doing nothing to stop it, either.

I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but would you put your top back on?

Well, I have to get back to work.

I have to make sure those big, strapping Capuan bodyguards are... comfortable.

Tatiana, tell me something.

Why are you so afraid to go home? I don't get that. From everything I've

Kapua sounds like an absolute paradise.

Yes, but you would not think so if it were you who were being forced to marry

Og.

Og?

You know him?

No, I can't put a face to the name.

Og claimed me to be his bride by announcing his intention to my family.

My brother now will give me to Og.

So I take it the dog is not the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your

life with, huh? No, he is mean and large, and he has only one eyebrow that

from here to here.

Well, there must be something good you can say about the guy.

Well, he did stop eating tourists.

Well,

that makes for nicer travel brochures, doesn't it?

Judge Stone. Well, Tatiana.

I don't know if there's anything that I can do legally to stop a forced

marriage, but I'll help you any way I can.

You will?

Why?

Why? Because, uh, because I don't know.

Because you're sweet, and I like you, okay?

Then you have a vova for me?

Possibly.

What's vova?

It's what you said. Do you like me? Vuva is a Capuan word, which means that you

find someone not offensive.

Oh, well, then vuva it is. Sure.

I'll do anything.

I'll... Well, what are you doing?

This is our way of saying thank you.

Sure beats a high five.

Knock, knock.

Sorry to bust in on you, sir. I see you have your hands full.

Roz, this isn't what it looks like.

Looks like you have your hand on her chest.

Well, then it is what it looks like.

But what it looks like is not what it is.

Thank you for clearing that up.

By the way, in case you're interested, they're auctioning off Christine.

They're auctioning off Christine?

What was the last bid?

$100 ,000.

Mister, you heard the lady. She said no.

$200 ,000.

I told you she's not for sale.

Half a million.

For her?

Oh, what's going on here?

The prince said he'd extend the lease on the air base to 100 years if you throw

in the blonde.

You're talking slavery, Cowdery.

Here we go, dredging up the Constitution again.

Prince, you can't go around trying to purchase another human being.

I say we bounce it off Washington.

I say we bounce it off your skull.

That's right. Talk rough like that.

You know, it is kind of nice.

I want Tatiana turned over to me now.

Well, I'm afraid I won't be doing that.

Why not?

Because it is no longer up to you whether I stay or go, Maurice.

It is up to the man who is to be my husband.

Husband?

Him? Yes.

He has booboo for me.

Your Honor?

It was just...

Puppy vuva.

You're going to marry her, sir?

Any thought yet who the best man might be?

Hint, hint.

Let's get something straight here. I am not marrying anybody.

But you said you had vuva for me.

Oh, sir, you vuva'd her?

It just means I like you.

Actually, it's a marriage proposal.

Literal translation means I wouldn't kick you out of the hammock.

Whoa, this is crazy. All I did was I touched her chest.

How could you have misinterpreted that, sir?

Only a maggot would do such a thing to a woman pledged to another man.

In my country, if you steal, we cut off your hand.

If you lie, we cut up your tongue.

And if you de -voevify a woman... You'll be able to hit that high note in the

Star Spangled Banner.

I didn't know, okay?

Yes, you did.

I told you about Og.

Now if I go back, I will be shamed before my people.

That's men for you.

Vove them and leave them.

Yes, he is. Who shall I say is calling?

Uh -huh.

You want to talk to the White House?

Stand up.

Cowdery here.

Yes.

Well, you see, he says he doesn't want to marry her.

I know, I know, I know. I realize your prestige is on the line, but no.

No, I don't want you to come down here and kick anything.

You just need a little more convincing, that's all.

You would?

Certainly.

Nancy wants to talk to you.

Please, my little Fukuina.

My only wish is to make you happy.

Listen, Maurice, I am sure there are lots of beautiful women on Kapua.

Of course. There are Momo a dozen.

But none of them have what you have.

Which is?

Sensible shoes.

Yeah?

Oh, I thought you were Tatiana.

Oh, no, sir. I'm afraid Tatiana's in the ladies' room with Ross, crying her eyes

out over you.

It's pitiful, sir.

Deep, gut -wrenching sobs you can hear all the way down the hall.

Aiming to cheer me up, did you, Mac?

Yes, sir.

She's pretty upset, I hear.

She does have some very unusual ideas about your ancestry, yes.

Tatiana, look at me.

That's better.

Guys, if you don't mind, I think we need to have a chat.

I don't mind.

Alone. Come on, let's go powder our noses.

Tatiana, I can't tell you how sorry I am about all this. You just used me for

cheap vuva.

No, I didn't. Really, I care about you.

You sure have a strange way to show it.

Come on, come here.

Sit down.

Tatiana, I am sure that our customs seem as strange to you as yours seem to us.

And I probably was a little flustered. I mean, it's not every day that I get

involved with a princess.

I am your first?

Well, actually, I did date Miss Congeniality once, but we had a

and she ended up trying to gouge my eyeballs out.

That's all this was. It was a misunderstanding.

Harry, tell me yes or no plainly.

Do you or do you not have Voova for me?

Tatiana, I can't say a simple yes or no.

But it wouldn't be right for us to jump into a marriage. For all you know, I

could be as bad for you as Og.

Well, when you mentioned the one eyebrow, I kind of assumed it was over

eyes.

So maybe you really shouldn't get married to anybody right away, don't you

think? I don't know what to think.

Tatiana, remember that gesture you showed me that meant thank you?

Well, we have a gesture, too.

It means I'm telling the truth.

And I am telling you the truth.

I never meant to hurt you.

I just wanted to be your friend.

This means okay.

I'll remember that.

And this means bye -bye.

Where are you going?

Oh, it does not matter. I will go out there.

And do what?

Oh, maybe find a job.

I don't think there are that many job opportunities for a princess.

A cab driver told me there are queens in the East Village.

Trust me, you're not qualified.

Then what do I do, Harry?

I cannot stay here and I can't...

don't do that.

Come on. Take it easy.

Tatiana, come on. Hey, hey, what's that behind your ear?

Look at that. It's a coin.

It

wasn't

that good.

Tatiana, that was just a trick.

Jackie Gleason?

You have been given the powers.

No, no, no, no. See, all I did was that.

Where are these tough rooms they keep talking about?

Oh, in my country, this is a sign of one who is a great conqueror and even the

king himself must obey one who controls nature?

Really?

Tatiana, repeat after me.

Thank you, Nani Darnell.

But they are sensible shoes.

All right, all right, so he's unstable.

It's okay. He's rich.

Dan, for your information, not every woman judges a man by the size of his...

portfolio.

Lucky for you, huh, Dan?

asking you to consider his offer.

Why? What's in it for you?

Nothing.

Dan.

All right, money and naked women, but that's it.

Ah, there you are, my little inhibited iguana.

Have you decided?

Prince, it's a matter of fact. Before you give me your answer, let me make my

final offer.

One million dollars.

She'll take it.

She would like me to convey to you her sense of deep gratitude. Now, why don't

you stuff her in your duffel bag and get out of here?

Oh, it's okay. She's had her shots.

This is a very sweet offer, Prince. Thank you so much, but I cannot take

money. I just happen to believe that the only thing of any real value in a

relationship is love.

Well, if that is how you truly feel.

It is.

I'm sorry.

Do you find me at all attractive?

Hi, guys. Sorry for the delay. We had some things we had to work out.

So, what's it gonna be?

We have decided to break our engagement.

Oh, boy.

Mimos are gonna hit the fan now.

Harry says it is all right for me not to marry Og.

What Harry says is not worth fish heads in Kipua.

It is what I say that matters.

Oh, powerful one, pay no attention to the babblings of my brother Maurice.

are you talking about? But let his mind know that your powers are also given to

me, a woman.

And let his eyes see the signs of truth.

And let his ears yield up treasure.

Hey,

that's impressive.

You want to see me make disgusting sounds with my armpits?

You're just going to leave them down there?

Oh, you may rise.

Tatiana, forgive me. I never knew.

Well, now that you do, some changes for the good will have to be made for all

Capuan women.

But, Tatiana... All right, all right.

Please, no more.

I was rooting for you the whole time.

You are woman. I hear you roar.

You are weasel. I see you crawl.

I am very sorry we were not able to become more deeply acquainted, Miss

Sullivan. Yeah, well.

However, I feel very ashamed that I have been dressing you with my eyes all

night.

Oh,

what the hell?

Have a ball.

Oh.

I gotta hand it to you, Christine.

I don't think I've been able to say no to a million bucks like you did last

week. Oh, yeah, sure you would, Mac.

Look at it this way. Deep down, could you really feel good about yourself if

took a million dollars from somebody who just wanted you to be their toy?

He's doing it for chicken McNuggets and a large fry.

I know what I'd do if I ever came into big money.

I'd endow a major institution of higher learning.

Either that or get a really first -rate accordion.

How about you, Miss Sullivan? Any regrets?

Ah, could you see me lying naked on some tropical beach?

Nah.

Hello, Capone Embassy.

This is Dan Fielding, producer.

I was told I needed to get your permission in order to film my next

on your lovely island.

Yeah, well, it's going to be an extensive study of the history, custom,

of your people.

I call it Debbie Does Kapoor.

Well, Debbie... Hold a sec, will you?

Are you Judge Harry Stone?

What if I am, Judge Stone? Who the hell are you?