Original subtitles

Well, read them and weep. $50 fine and time served.

Littering, loitering, trespassing. Mac, we're in a rut.

Where have all the interesting cases gone?

Sumo wrestlers again?

Next case, sir, people versus Fujiyama and Ohiro.

Your Honor, according to witnesses, the Cheek So Plenty twins here are

giving a sumo exhibition.

Mr. Hall was in attendance and apparently got very upset when he

wasn't a regular wrestling match.

No choking, no biting, no gouging, not one ounce of blood.

What has the world of sport come to?

Then Mr. Hall jumped into the ring and called them tubby sissies.

I... I think that our friends took umbrage to that comment. Your Honor,

men don't speak any English.

None at all?

Pop and taco.

Egg McMuffin.

Also pancakes.

Ah, the language of love.

speak Japanese?

Anyone else?

Mac? They're just so darn cute.

Mac? Making some calls, sir.

We're going to have to hold this one over until we can find an interpreter,

folks.

Boy, you want to take these guys out and see if you can find them something to

eat? Hey, how about some sushi?

Raw fish.

Now, listen, I have planned the perfect evening for us.

We're going to toast with Dom Perignon, have some chilled cracked crab, and then

listen to some boss tunes on my new compact disc.

Why don't we just jump into bed?

Well, there's another option.

And a mighty fine one at that.

What are you going to do about it, Danny?

I'm going to chill you.

I'm going to thrill you. I'm going to make the earth move.

That was with my shoes on.

That rumbling you felt a few minutes ago was a 5 .5 earthquake centered in lower

Manhattan. That's crazy. There are no earthquakes in New York. Our city has

a number of tremors before.

When? The last was 1984.

While there may be aftershocks, there is no reason to panic.

What? I said there's no reason to panic.

Hi, everyone.

Hey, Art, how is everything?

Not too bad.

My mother's lumbago is acting up again.

You know, she's not as young as she used to be, sir. Art!

How is everything here?

Rotten. We just had a nice quick here, you know.

If there's another, I suggest we take refuge in his skull.

There wasn't too much damage, though, Your Honor, except for a minor problem

with the stairs.

What's the problem with the stairs?

They're gone.

They're gone?

The stairs are gone?

What are we going to do?

If I could be so bold, I'd suggest you use the elevator.

Thank you.

Mr. Potato Head.

Sir, this is Miss Linda Egan. Your Honor.

And her students, Ernie, Mary, and Chad.

They get to spend the night in the courtroom because they won their student

government contest.

It's an honor to meet you, Judge.

Hey, the pleasure's all mine.

Out!

What other sucker's that?

That's very funny, Ernie.

And I'm sure I'm going to appreciate it a lot more if I ever get the feeling

back in my head.

Ernie the buzzer.

I'm sorry, Your Honor. It won't happen again.

Mary? I'm Christine.

I couldn't help but notice your badge.

Are you a campfire girl? Yes, ma 'am. Are you a campfire girl, too? For four

wonderful years.

Lady, I'd give ten bucks to see you in your old uniform.

Chad. Chad, it would only come to here.

Okay, 20.

Come on. I'll find you guys front row seats.

Next case, sir. People versus DeVries and Parker.

Okay, kids, this is what is called an arraignment. Now, I want you to pay very

close attention as I ask the prosecutor here exactly what the charge is.

They were performing a live sex act, sir.

Mr. Segan, what's a live sex act?

Well, Mary, we'll discuss that on career day.

Uh, sir, I don't think this is the case. We should be trying in front of

innocent children.

Right. What else we got, Mac?

New satanic rituals, sir.

Anything else?

Wife swap meet.

Well, like I said, we'll proceed with this one as best we can, trying to use

utmost discretion.

Dan?

The defendants are charged with playing doctor.

Very good. Apparently it was an exploratory surgery.

Sir, perhaps the children should be excused. Mr.

Prosecutor, does this get much worse before it gets any better?

Well, sir, I was about to introduce the stage props into evidence.

Please, God, no.

If you have any shred of decency, you'll stop right there.

As I was saying, exhibit A.

Oh, take him to holding.

Come on.

Yeah, I know.

The guy upstairs speaks some Japanese, so I'm going to run slim and tiny up

there, okay?

Where will these people learn the right tool for the right job?

Dan, why don't you take those props up to evidence, huh? Right.

And, uh, Dan?

No souvenirs.

Yes, sir.

Want to see a card trick, Judge?

Oh, well, Ernie, I'm afraid that a card trick that I haven't already seen has

yet to be invented.

Hear me.

Pick a card.

All right.

Yeah.

It hurts, right?

That's a real good trick, Ernie.

I'd like to show you a little trick. It involves pliers and fingernails.

Oh, not another one.

Everybody just try to stay calm.

How you doing, Judge?

All right, Art, what's the bad news?

Well, my bowling team didn't make the finals again.

I know it's not the end of the world, but... Art!

There was another tremor. I know. That's how those people got trapped in the

elevator. People trapped in an elevator?

Are they in any danger?

Of course not.

Unless you exceed the maximum weight capacity for the elevator.

This could take a while.

I guess we'll just have to entertain ourselves.

Any way we can.

to get you out of there, so stay calm.

I promise you, everything's gonna be just fine.

Unless you run out of air.

Thank you, Mr. Wizard.

We gotta find somebody that speaks Japanese.

How tall?

Five -seven.

Good choice.

department's all tied up with emergencies.

They won't be here for hours.

Oh, wonderful.

All right, all right. In the meantime, we've got to gather together some

supplies. We'll need some gauze and some bandages and some rubber tubing for

tourniquets and a couple of pints of whole blood.

I'll just bring Dan's briefcase.

I just checked the elevator shaft. The cables are fine. The car's just jammed

there. Art, there are four people in that car. Now, are you sure that's not

much weight?

I'm positive. It's no problem.

Good. Unless they're sumo wrestlers or something.

This is great.

This elevator doesn't even have an emergency phone in it.

Oh, my God, look at this. This elevator unsafe for weights exceeding 1 ,000

pounds.

320.

350. And, Raj, you go about...

115. 115.

I see. So the uniform weighs, what, 70, 80 pounds?

Cute fielding.

Listen, what if the air runs out in here? How have we been stuck in this

for over nine hours?

It's been eight minutes.

I'm going to be squished to a liquid pulp. I'm going to die.

Fielding, it's not a tremor.

Now, where's that horrible rumbling noise coming from?

I think from somewhere in there.

Hungry.

Let's hope they never heard of the Donner Party.

Don't let on. I have a pack of C -H -U -C -K -L -E -S.

What do you think he's saying?

I don't know, but I think it's something about singing soprano in the Vienna

Boys Choir.

You know, Mr. Egan, I envy you.

It must be so rewarding being a schoolteacher, watching those

Smiling faces, eagerly searching out life's mysteries.

Chad is trying to peek up your dress with mirrors on his shoe.

Chad!

Judge, would you look at my calculator? I think it's broken.

Yeah. Well, I don't know. It looks...

are one clever kid. In fact, I bet if I put you in handcuffs and threw you in a

tank of water, you could get out in, what, 25, 30 minutes, huh?

Hey,

that wasn't so bad.

I guess you sort of get used to these things after a while, huh?

And they said it wouldn't last.

Yeah, go ahead. Keep making jokes. I want to die with a smile on my face.

Fielding relax, okay?

Do not tell me what to do.

If I want to be ordered around by somebody wearing a paramilitary uniform,

pay for it, okay?

You're losing it.

I'm not losing anything.

Except maybe my chuckles.

I've got to get out of here.

I know what. I'm going to go out that door and shimmy up those cables.

Sit down.

Oh, what?

or I'll make you sit down.

You're going to make me sit down? You are going to make me sit down?

Any questions?

Don't you see?

If the big one hits, I'll die never having known the joys of physical love.

Chad, I'm getting just a little tired of your endless sleazy suggestions and

your double entendres and your leering glances.

Did I mention I could stay until nine on Saturday?

Fool,

what are you doing?

Found your interpreter, sir.

excuse me sir do you speak english well

you haven't found an interpreter you kidnapped an innocent human being

hope this doesn't go on my record

trick, huh?

Ernie, I am not falling for this one.

Your Honor, I'm so sorry. Mary was visiting your bench when she got sick.

I knew it was real. I knew it was real.

Kid, one day, one of these mindless little pranks of yours is going to

and you're going to be in big trouble.

They're childish and they're silly.

And why do I feel... like I've heard this speech before.

Well, it's the same one I've given you about 20 times.

That's the way grown -ups used to talk to me when I was a kid. And I acted...

just like him.

Oh, God.

I was a geek.

I got an idea about the elevator.

I think it's a brake problem.

What's with the brake?

It's in my toolbox.

What? They put this new hydraulic system in there, and if I retract the engaging

mechanism, I think I can get him out of there.

How come I didn't think about this sooner?

Where the heck was my head?

Out of appreciation for your help for us, Art, I'm not going to answer that.

Isn't that you called my house last Saturday night?

Do you mind? I'm busy gasping here.

Well, gasp quieter.

They're sleeping.

I'm claustrophobic, all right?

You? A man who had sex in a broom closet?

I thought it was over like that.

Come on, Fielding, you've been in tight situations before.

Yeah, you bet.

I once spent the whole night in a drainpipe.

Too cheap to spring for a motel room?

I was eight years old.

Why'd you do that?

I was on a dare.

The other kids thought I was kind of a creep.

No.

I was supposed to crawl through it under the highway, come out the other side.

Right in the middle of it, I got stuck.

It was stifling.

Suffocating.

I just hate being in situations where I do not have control. It's like a big

rock being put on my chest.

Like being buried alive.

Like I'm drowning.

I've got to get out of here. Dan, Dan. I want to get out of here. Dan, there's

nothing to be frightened of.

I'm going to take care of you.

Come here.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

I want you to think of a wide open space.

It's a football field.

There are thousands of people there.

Enjoying the fresh, clean air.

And you're there too, Dan.

You're relaxed.

You're smiling.

And you're naked.

Well, what do you hear?

The ocean.

Hey, how you doing, Judge?

All right, how are things going up there?

Terrific. I found that issue of Popular Mechanics.

Yes,

sir?

What's with the elevator?

It's a go.

I released the brakes, double -checked the relays.

Everything's copacetic.

You mean all we have to do is push the button and they'll be back down here?

I stake my reputation on it.

Try it anyway, sir.

So what's wrong?

It's not moving.

I guess the contacts must have burnt out.

I got just the tool for that.

It's moving!

Hey, it's a work of art.

All right, come on, big guy.

There you go!

You're safe, just like I promised you.

Dan, Roz, you all right?

Yeah, we're fine.

These guys just freaked out a little.

They're just big babies.

Really big diapers.

Uh, Bull, why don't you get these guys some grub and be gentle. I've had quite

shock. Come on, guys.

Eat! No eat!

Bathroom!

I think they want to freshen up first.

Dan, I must say, I'm proud of you. It seems that you showed some leadership in

there. It was nothing.

Oh, I don't know. Some people really might have panicked. For sure.

Hey, Rod, you must have been pretty impressed with old Dan the man here.

Yeah.

Dan was a real cool cookie.

compliment out of that woman.

Soup, apple, and sandwich.

That'll be... I'm paying for those guys, too.

$384 .02.

You take Chevys?

Listen, Ross, I want to tell you how much I really appreciate you not letting

to the others that really happened in that elevator.

I don't want people to know the truth about that.

That I was a low -down, nibbling coward?

No, they already know that.

I don't want them to know I was nice to you.

Why?

Because then everybody would want to be my friend.

Then they'd want to hang around all the time, and sooner or later, two of them

would get into an argument, and I'd have to try and cool them off, but I'm not

much good at that, so I'd just gun them all down and end up frying in the

electric chair.

Better to be safe than sorry.

Well,

goodbye. This has been most interesting.

Maybe we can do it again in, say, 40 years.

Judge, no hard feelings?

Hey, no hard feelings at all, Ernie. You're just a young, enthusiastic kid.

was a pleasure having you around.

Okay. Thanks for everything, Judge. You bet.

Judge!

Oh,

wonderful third.

You just... played a trick that was mean and childish and stupid.

Does that make you feel better?

No. I feel better because I stole his watch.