Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Hey. Sir, what are you doing here?

I thought you left for vacation this morning. Oh, I'm going all right.

Where'd you decide to go?

Des Moines.

Hope you had your shots.

I've decided that I am going to retrace in exact detail the very route taken by

Mel Cormier in the summer of 1942 when he toured with the Chico Marx Band.

I've already got rooms booked in Peoria, Tulsa, Boise, and French Lick, Indiana.

Autumn and French Lick.

Hey, you should be there just in time for the Cloven Hoof Festival.

I'm gonna miss you, sir.

Ah, get over it, Bull. I hear this Judge Watson is a terrific guy and a great

judge. You probably won't even know I'm gone.

Well, he could never replace you, sir. Right.

Get out of here.

The new judge is here.

That was just a figure of speech.

This must be Judge Watson. You must be part of some scientific experiment gone

horribly awry.

No, sir, we're your staff. That was my second guess. I'm Mack Robinson, your

court clerk.

This is Christine Sullivan, legal aide. And Bull and Roz will be your bailiffs

tonight.

And Dan.

Dan Fielding?

None of it's true, sir.

You can rest assured that Roz and I will perform our duties with all the

diplomacy, restraint, and attention to detail we can muster.

Forgive me, but aren't your duties pretty much just standing around?

No, sir.

Sometimes they let us reload the staplers.

It's not just a job, it's an adventure.

We're ready whenever you are, sir. Thank you.

Okay.

Let's go knock them dead.

Keep up the good work.

First case, sir.

Okay,

then. We can wait a few minutes.

I'm sorry, Mac.

I'm sorry, Mac. I'm just a little jumpy. About a year ago, this lunatic snuck a

gun in my court, squeezed off six shots at me. He didn't hurt you, did he?

No. Thank God.

Got my court court right between the eyes.

What a mess.

It wasn't the blood so much. It was that spastic twitching he did right before

the end.

It got to me.

Great. We're going to be arguing cases in front of Quick Draw McGraw.

Ready, counselors?

Oh, I'm looking forward... to it, sir.

What have we here?

Mr. and Mrs. McNulty, sir, disturbing the peace and resisting arrest.

These two?

Your Honor, my clients were in their own private apartment where they happened

to be making a few little sounds.

What kind of sounds?

Sex sounds.

Three or four times a day.

four times a day?

He's not as young as he used to be.

But when he's lost in stamina, he's more than made up for in creativity.

Not to mention decibel level.

At one point, neighbors several buildings over heard the lady exclaim,

quote, Ravage me now, you prancing pony.

I don't mean to pry, Mr. McNulty, but why are you so loud during these

interludes? What?

When the police arrived, Mr. McNulty threatened the officers.

He was merely protecting his wife, Your Honor.

Burn this image in your mind, sir. This man, standing stark naked, swinging a

baseball bat.

My Louisville lugger.

Said she likes your bat.

Your Honor, I think as long as my clients were in their own apartment,

a perfect right to... Play connect the liver spots?

Play connect the liver spots. That's a good one, Dan.

It is?

But I don't think there was any real harm done here, so I'd like to dismiss

case. Thank you, Your Honor.

Any objections, Mr. Prosecutor? No, sir, as long as Mr. McNulty promises in the

future to keep it down.

Dismissed. Fielding, you're a hoot.

Well, if you can't laugh at the defendants, who can you laugh at?

I've hit the mother load.

So the mother superior says...

Twenty bucks, same as in town.

Excuse me, Your Honor.

I'm sorry. I really hate to be a stick in the mud, but can we get on to our

case? Sure.

What's her problem?

Nothing that old man McNulty couldn't take care of.

This is some fun.

Listen, you know what? We should have lunch together sometime, just the two of

us. My treat.

What about tonight? I understand you're a visiting... Tonight?

Sure, Alfredo's, nine o 'clock.

Oh, nine -ish it is.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Yes, sir.

You hear that? I'm going to have lunch with a judge.

And I don't have a dime on me.

Not a chance, Dan.

No, Dan.

Die, Dan.

No, I got to stay in that hotel.

Well, because that's the hotel where Mel Torme got punched in the face by that

old lady because he wouldn't sing Inka Dinka Doo.

What do you mean it's not a hotel anymore?

Oh, I see.

Well, then how about if you promise him that I won't even go near the reactor?

I did agree with this ruling in the case of the defective doorstop.

Mike Watson.

Harry Stone.

Mind if I try that?

Well, go ahead if you like, but I'm telling you, this baby packs quite a

Oh, I think I can manage.

Mac, you can't stay on the floor forever.

Watch me, sir.

Yeah, I don't know what to say. He's usually a lot more vertical.

You probably thought I was pointing Betsy at him.

Betsy's a big girl.

I gotta tell you, I love your office, man. All these jokes and stuff around

here, like the armadillo up there and the Paul Bunyan gavel and... Picture of

what's -his -name here.

You mean Mel Torme.

Yeah, what a riot, Mel Torme.

I mean, what is this guy, 150 years old?

Excuse me for a minute, would you? Sure.

Forgive them, Mel.

They know not what they do.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah?

What are you up to?

About $2 .75.

The truth is, I asked this judge out to lunch, and I ain't got no money.

I'm broke.

Please, can you loan me $50? I'm desperate.

Dan, why don't you do the honorable thing?

You can explain the situation to him and try to work it out with some kind of

maturity.

You're right.

Begging is your best bet.

I'll be ready for lunch in just a minute.

Betsy gets pretty cranky if she's not regularly swabbed out.

Oh, yeah, I'm the same way.

Sir, about lunch.

The truth of the matter is, I am so broke. I was just out in the hall

to be a blind man begging for money.

Pretending to be a blind man?

What a sense of humor.

You are a nutty prosecutor.

No, sir, I really was. I was out in the hall with a cup and a cane.

I insist.

I'll buy lunch since you're providing the entertainment.

Well, that's very gracious of you, sir. Oh, well, money's no problem for me.

See?

Money doesn't have to be a problem for you either.

You make lots of money around here.

No,

sir. The only way I can make money like this is if I took bribes to throw cases.

Yeah, well, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

I

can't

believe Judge Watson offered you money to throw a case. What did you say?

What do you think I said?

That's all I get back to him.

Well, here it is, Room 101, Special Investigations Unit.

See you later, Dan.

Oh, no, wait a minute. Aren't you guys going to come in with me?

Well, I tell you what, Dan, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll go in

you, but I don't know what you're so nervous about. What could possibly be in

that room?

Rubber hoses, handcuffs, electric cattle prides.

It's just your typical Saturday night.

these guys are just regular Joes, just like you and me.

Sit down, Mr. Fielding.

Except for they don't have bodies.

Bert Felch, Chief Inspector, Special Investigations Unit.

Hi, Bert. I'm your Harold T. Stone. Your mother's maiden name was Johnson, and

your first pet was a cocker spaniel named Festus.

It was Miss Kitty till we turned her over.

Fielding, I read the statement you made at the DA's office, and frankly, I think

it's a load of poopy.

Hey, who the hell do you think did it? Right.

Now, Fielding, if by some fluke you're telling the truth about Judge Watson,

then we still don't have any evidence.

Did I mention the crack he made about Mel Torme?

need to prove beyond a doubt that he's been offering fielding bribes.

That is what this is for.

A Pez dispenser?

Wrong pocket.

This radio transmitter is so small that it can fit inside the average adult

male's jockey shorts.

Define average.

Fielding, we're going to wire you.

Not without an engagement ring.

Get the hell out of here, you crazy. That guy's nuts. He carries a gun as big

a howitzer.

Mr. Fielding, this is about the integrity of our courtrooms.

Do you want to see the American judicial system dragged through the muck?

You want to see our democratic institutions crumble at your feet while

decadent East Coast liberal intelligentsia score the biggest victory

since they stopped us from pushing the Reds back past the 38th parallel in

Korea?

But I digress.

Fielding, are you going to help us nail Judge Watson or not?

Not!

Okay, fine.

You're under arrest then for suspicion of taking bribes.

Bert, how can you be so callous?

Because my father was a cold and unloving parent.

He made my life an endless, hellish torment.

Oh, God, I admired him.

I'll get it. Don't touch that!

That is a special... encrypted, ultra -secure phone link between this office

FBI headquarters.

No unauthorized personnel are allowed to connect with that line.

Felch.

It's your travel agent.

Max says they've got about five minutes till the end of the session.

Okay, fine. I'll be joining my team upstairs.

You can listen here if you like.

I don't hear anything. What's he doing?

Don't answer that.

Well, uh, the wire seems to be working fine.

Yeah, well, that's surprising considering where you put it.

Well, that's in case they frisk him.

Criminals don't like to check there.

Doctors don't like to check that.

Mr. Prosecutor, that's the fifth recess you've taken off for personal reasons.

Are you okay?

Yes, sir. I just had a little too much shower juice for lunch. I usually don't

drink shower juice, but they had a special on today, so I decided to drink

Fielding, you look wired.

Wired? No, not me! I swear I'm not!

You are going to blow it if you don't calm down and get a grip on yourself.

I've got a transmitter doing that for me.

Dan, Harry would not let you do this if you didn't think it was safe.

Harry doesn't know squat.

At the time, that wimp doesn't even know what planet he's on.

Boy, that Harry guy really sounds like a bozo.

Good luck, Dan.

You'll be okay.

Oh, yeah, I guess. And if things get too hot, I say the code word, the cops come

in with their guns blazing.

I forgot the code word.

Mersey, don't.

I'm a popsicle!

Gee whiz, guys. False alarm. Sorry.

Good luck, Fielding.

What if you start shooting? You'll bleed.

Right.

No, Dan, come in. Sit down. Relax.

Comfy?

Oh, yes, comfy.

Don't I look comfy?

No. You look nervous, Dan. No, no, no, no. I'm not nervous. Not really, no. I'm

a little hot. Just a little hot. I think it's the greenhouse effect. I worry

about the ozone. Billy, Billy, Billy.

You're babbling.

Babbling? No, I wouldn't call it really babbling. It's more like treatment of

conscience like the name Bruce. Billy, Billy, Billy.

Are you thinking of backing out of our deal?

Uh, deal?

Uh, what deal?

What do you mean, what deal? You know what deal.

Well, I just, I was running specifically.

the money and in return you dropped that bookie case for me yes you said it i

mean how interesting uh would you excuse me just a minute why don't i just

spread some newspapers here on the floor you're a pistol just a joke needn't to

kill me don't don't oh thank god it's over all right

guys go in and mop up we didn't get it i want to tell you it was a

The antenna shorted.

Were you sweating?

I am not going back in there. He's suspicious.

He'll kill me. We're willing to risk it.

Okay, Dad, I need to know.

Do we have a deal?

Deal. What the hell's going...

Wait a minute, Fielding. I'm on to you.

It's a mistake, I swear.

You want more money, don't you? I do.

That's right. I want more money.

You know, I don't like to be squeezed, Fielding.

Neither do I.

What was that?

That damn goulash.

Here's another $200. Now, I'm giving you $700.

Now, do we have a deal?

No, just specifically, what was that deal again?

The same deal we've always been talking about. I give you the money in return,

you drop the case against the bookie. Now, do we have a deal or not?

Sure. Thanks.

Freeze!

You know what to do, boys.

Watch this, Watson.

All right. You make one move, I'll blow your brains into the office downstairs.

Bert? Ernie?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

What are all these people doing here?

It's a bribery sting.

We're arresting Fielding. We had the judge wired.

We're arresting the judge. We had Fielding wired.

You mean... Oh, for Christ's...

next fall.

Little Ricky? Oh, I see how time flies.

Excuse me, guys.

Should you still be stepping on his neck like that?

What? Oh, gee, sorry.

Hey, what do you say, gang?

Clams and beer on...

pretty big mistake about you, Dan.

Yeah, I guess you did. You're not even a judge, are you? You're some jerk

undercover cop.

No, I am a judge.

And a darn good one at that.

Well, I'll see you guys. I've had a great time.

And how about this guy?

The Velvet Frog.

Ribbit, ribbit.

Sir?

Sir, your travel agent just called. He said your standby reservations at Ed's

Pacific Travel Lodge came through.

Okay, I'll be out of here. I just want to help Dan out with his microphone.

Yes, sir.

In fact, you said that's really not necessary.

No, Dan.

It's the least that a wimp who doesn't even know what planet he's on can do for

you.

Mac,

what's happening?

Dan is being debriefed.