Original subtitles

Yo.

These are the indecent exposure files. Where do you want them?

Sex offenses on the sofa.

I can't believe that they make you go through every case.

I'll see your end report.

I don't mind, really. Gives me a chance to review my performance, reflect on old

memories.

Remember that carnival geek married his dog?

Yeah. It's over. I ran into her the other day. What happened?

I ran into her the other day.

I feel funny, though. You know, working in here while the gang's out there with

another judge.

You're not missing anything good. I saw the docket. It looks like a fairly

routine night.

Sir,

I'm going to take Mac down to jail now.

What? I got busted for contempt of court.

When you go through the strip search, ask for Gentle Ben.

What happened?

Mac just walked over with the docket, sir. Next thing I know, Judge Hearst

me to take him away. For what reason?

He said my sweater was a mockery of justice.

Oh,

it's not that bad.

Oh, come on, Mac. Obviously the man's joking with you. No, no, sir. This is

serious. Judge Hirsch is crazy.

Mac, don't go jumping to drastic conclusions. You know, we each have our

unique style.

Judge Hirsch just ordered a defendant to clean the Holland Tunnel. So?

With his tongue.

I think I will have a little peek.

Come on, I can get you down to holding before they serve dinner.

What are we having?

There was talk of spam balls.

Sir?

Quiet, I'm almost finished.

Well...

Superb.

Phil, what's going on?

That is not a well man.

He just put out a bench warrant for the Rockettes.

What charge?

Espionage.

He's convinced the Soviets have implanted tiny transmitters in their

He says this explains the high incidence of varicose veins after they retire.

Personally, I like a little texture to my women.

Uh, excuse me, sir, about my client.

Right, hang him.

He stole an Eskimo pie, sir.

Nap time.

Are you okay?

Oh, yes, sir, fine, considering we're being presided over by Bucky the Wonder

Lump.

A Radio City music hall called.

The cops just broke up a Rockettes performance.

We nabbed the whole bunch at once.

You seem happy.

They rejected me in 43.

You tell me, what's wrong with these gams?

Their loss is clearly our gain.

Sir, his courtroom is totally out of control.

Yeah, it's funny. I never saw the judge act this way before.

You know this man? Yeah, he worked in the Brooklyn courts when I started

Everybody always loved him. He was fair, he was bright, he was honest.

And now he's putting hooker's wigs on bull.

I'm sorry, son, but the glare was killing me.

something. It's his court, Miss Sullivan. All I can do is document any

behavior, make a list, and send it to the judicial review board.

If I were you, I'd send a copy along to the Coast Guard while you were out.

Would counsel approach the bench, please?

You know why the criminal justice system isn't working, Mr. Fielding?

Yes, sir.

I mean, not really.

Music in the courtroom.

That's what makes the whole damn process so dreary. Imagine how much brighter

this place would be if we piped in Mozart sonatas or even a few show tunes.

That is a wonderful idea, sir.

You are a sneaky little pile of tweed, aren't you, boy?

Yes, sir.

Take him away.

As soon as I saw the little smile cracking, I could tell the imps that he

started talking to me. I just... You had a visit from your hairy godmother,

didn't you?

Hi. Hi.

I'm hairy. Who the hell cares?

I'm Judge Hairy T. Stone.

No. You?

A judge? Uh -huh. Your Honor. Oh, let's skip. the formalities.

It's Bob and Harry, just like the good old days.

Bob, we don't have any good old days. We just met.

What's this Bob garbage then?

Your Honor, I would like to speak to you in private in your chambers, perhaps.

Oh, there's no need. I have no secrets from these people. I really do think

would be better in private. Nonsense, Harry.

is nothing that you could say to me that you can't say before my friends.

What's on your mind?

Sir.

You're a very thick man.

Johnny Darnell.

You guys okay?

Oh, yes. Actually, it's very nice down here.

I understand we made it just in time for the annual Winter Mucus Fest.

Let me guess.

English leather?

I'm Dan Fielding. I just killed my family.

Small world.

They don't know this, but I really did pull off the job.

I hid the money.

no witnesses because the guy who saw me without my mask on is half blind.

I gave the getaway car in a swamp in Jersey.

I'm going to get away with it.

Two days, I'm going to be swimming in cold, hard cash.

So what's your story?

I'm a judge.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

I put in an emergency phone call to my legal aid supervisor.

I managed to juggle the docket so there's only first -time misdemeanors

rest of the session.

And there's a man in the back wearing the same dress as I am.

What did you pay for yours?

He just appointed Flo legal aid attorney.

He did what?

Flo, let me out of here.

Listen.

About that cologne business.

I mean, I don't want you to get the wrong impression.

I mean, so many people think that just because a man wears a dress, he's a

homosexual.

No.

Okay, guys, let's go, huh?

Hey, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

If Flo is defending... Who's prosecuting?

Your Honor, the people feel the defense's arguments are constructed on

a flimsy legal foundation.

Surely my esteemed colleague knows the difference between entrapment and

legitimate enforcement of the law.

If not, then I would be so bold as to question her abilities to practice in a

hall of justice.

Defense?

You're going to listen to a man with a dead pigeon in his pocket?

Unbelievable.

Fields prosecuting?

I've been replaced by a man who lives in a refrigerator.

Hey, any of you people like the Three Stooges?

You know, my favorite one is when Moe is playing a judge.

And he says, order, order, order in the courtroom.

and Curly gets up and says, I'll have a ham and cheese on rye.

Judge Hirsch, hi there.

Wait a minute. I thought I cited you for contempt.

How did they get out of jail?

Sir, I cannot tell a lie.

They escaped.

Escaped? That is not a bad idea.

The whole prison system's overcrowded anyway.

Guard, go down and release all the prisoners.

Hold it!

Sir, I'm sorry, you can't do that. Some of those people are guilty and they have

to be dealt with.

You're right, Miss Sullivan.

Tell them they can go, but only if they promise on their word of honor that

they'll go across the street and clean up that park.

Your Honor, please step down from the bench.

I bet you my gavel is bigger than yours.

You're in trouble here, sir. I would really like to help you. Me need help.

That's a lie.

Liar, liar.

Pants on fire.

It's the truth. The truth.

This is a court of law, Judge Stone.

This is not a place for truth. This is a place for lies.

Everybody who comes here lies.

The plaintiffs lie.

The defendants lie.

The lawyers lie. The cops lie.

Everybody lies.

And you expect me to sift through all this and extract the truth from all that

rubble?

That's what we call justice.

Well, there is no justice.

There never was.

There never will be.

subjective, huh?

Your Honor.

Oh, Judge Stone, come in, come in. I want to show you something. Now, watch

this.

Looks like a big owl, doesn't it?

Yeah. I did that one my first night on the bench.

I think Oliver Wendell Holmes invented it.

Where's my hospitality?

Come, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Aspirin?

You know, most people can't take this without water.

Your Honor, how long has all this been going on?

How long has what been going on?

The wigs and the horns and the subscription to WrestleMania magazine.

You know, Judge Hirsch, I am considered a bit of a maverick around here myself.

Word in the halls is you're a flake.

I have my moments.

The point is that I use the gags and the tricks as a release. It's to ease the

tension, that's all.

It's when it gets taken to an extreme.

When it begins to obstruct justice, then it threatens to dismantle our entire

judicial system.

What's your point?

If you don't step down, I am personally going to file a petition requesting that

you be removed from the bench.

So it comes down to a gunfight, eh?

If need be.

Who draws first? That usually determines who wins in these things, right?

Need some help? Where the hell is the corsetti file?

I lined my shoes with it.

You did what?

I didn't think you'd need it anymore. We finished with a case hours ago.

Finished? How?

Well, the cop's testimony was shaky, so I plea bargained down to burglary third

degree. Comes up before grand jury Wednesday.

Oh, God.

Wednesdays I give my blood.

Don't worry, I'll follow through for you. What a pal.

Don't touch me, I'm not your pal.

You're a disgusting, filthy, slimy shell of a human being and you want to crawl

back into the sewer from which you slithered.

I got a 97 % conviction rate.

I hear you're batting about 500.

Wait, what's the matter? Where are you going?

We haven't finished.

You are finished, Judge Hirsch.

I'm going to go call for an ambulance. An ambulance?

Are you sick?

I'll be right back.

You want to hear a funny story, Harry?

Your Honor. There was this girl, 17, beautiful girl, dark complexion, dark

and a welt under her eye where her husband had hit her.

She was pregnant for the third time, I think, and the D .A. said they lived in

rat -infested place on the Lower East Side.

She said she wanted her husband to stop hitting her, and as soon as I indicated

that I sent her to jail, zip, she changed her testimony, said she was

She didn't want her husband to go to jail.

He brought home money so the family can eat. All she wanted was for him to stop

hitting her. Well, Harry, I can't make him stop in 25.

I've never made anybody stop!

I'm sorry.

God's in his heaven, but all's not quite right in the world.

I know how you feel.

How long have you been on the bench?

Three years.

Three years.

I've had bouts of irregularity longer than that.

Oh, my God. What have I done?

How much do you remember?

Coloring a little piggy and a monster with a blonde wig.

Am I sick, Harry?

Maybe a little.

But mostly, I'd say you're real, real tired. Oh, tired. Oh, I

could sleep for a million years.

If the bed they strap me down to is comfortable, I probably will.

See, I tried to do it all right. I tried to write.

All the wrongs reverse all of the injustices.

I guess I was wrong. It's impossible.

Even a fool knows that we can't reach out and touch the stars, but that does

stop the wise man from trying.

I like that.

Who said that?

You did.

It was in a speech to the Bar Association.

Here.

You can never have too many.

I'll wear it with honor, sir.

You do that.

I gotta go.

Somewhere there's an inkblot with my name on it.

Will you let me call someone to drive you?

Oh, there's no need. There's probably a whole army of...

Paramedics waiting for me out front.

Well, you take care of yourself out there, young man.

I will, sir.

Damn it.

Sometimes I did keep inside the

lines.

The Radio City Rockettes are here.

Send them home, Max.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I didn't know whether to bring them in one at a time or all in a row kicking.

I'm sure you would have made the right decision.

Uh -huh.

Now from our Believe It or Not files, police in Manhattan reported earlier

evening that they were summoned to break up a riot in a nearby park.

Only it turned out not to be a riot, but a group of accused prostitutes,

muggers, and thieves walking around cleaning the park.

A police spokesman said the group had been released from a Manhattan jail

earlier and that they were just fulfilling a court order.

How's that for a sanitation crew, folks?

And now back to some easy listening.

Listen, uh, Fielding, about that conviction ratio business, no hard

okay? Go to the window, open it as wide as you can, plunge to your death.

Well, if you insist on acting unprofessional... Oh, uh, and, uh,

you're eating my lunch.

Say what?

You're eating my lunch. I left it in your briefcase.

Only the beaks are dangerous.