Original subtitles

Guess who?

Mikhail Gorbachev, you crazy nut.

Is that you?

Klaus.

Yakov!

It's me.

Your Honor.

I never even suspected.

brings you to our neighborhood, huh?

Sonia is coming.

Your wife?

Yes, let me show her picture.

No, Yakov, I've seen the picture a thousand times and it still, it still

the human mind.

Are you sure that's not Brezhnev?

Sonia is coming to America from Soviet Union in three days, and I have you

people to thank for making that possible.

Well, I'm glad we could help, Yakov. You must be feeling real happy. Oh, it's

been like two years without a woman, without smooching, without

kisses, without... I

feel very... How do you say it in English?

Excited.

That's it.

Excited. Very excited.

Hello. Yes, Sullivan, this is my old friend Yakov. His wife's flying in from

Russia. Oh, great.

I'm very excited for you.

Oh, no, thanks.

I can wait a couple more days.

Well, I've got to be going before the...

Store's closed.

Big mattress sale going on tonight.

But I'll bring Sonia in three days to meet you all. Bye. Bye -bye.

My, my, my. That is one industrial woman.

Believe it or not, this would once have been considered a very handsome woman.

Of course, I'm going back 30 or 40 thousand years.

The jest was on Nigel because the club was restricted.

Remember tomorrow, the Cubist opening at the Modern. Be there or be square.

Cubist square.

I'll pick you up at eight.

Ta -ta. Ta.

You wrinkled old...

As a matter of fact, yes.

Doing a little social climbing, are we, then? I am not, and I resent you even

thinking that. Oh.

Well, then why are you dating her?

For money.

Forgive me for questioning your motive.

I happen to be moonlighting as an escort because I am broke.

Very legitimate service.

that I am very proud of what I have to offer as a companion. I am witty, I'm

charming, and I'm reasonably priced.

I'm on sale this month.

Sir, we can get started as soon as Dan shows up. Where is he tonight?

They're at what Rebecca referred to as that party for Woody.

Woody? As in? The genius of comedy.

She knows Woody Woodpecker?

Sir,

I just loved you in the gay divorcee.

Here's a mask. Go light your breath and die.

Who's first?

Oh, sir, please, may I?

Miss Sullivan.

Dan, you look like a...

Frightens me.

Your Honor, I apologize. There was no time to change after work.

Mr. Fielding.

Yes? You have the temerity to come into my courtroom dressed like that, and you

don't even have one of these?

You're too good to me, sir.

Okay. Okay, I can see...

What Roy Rogers is to comedy.

And although the defense has questioned the validity of the...

Police at the airport. I never got to see her. They arrested her.

You mean they wouldn't let her into this country?

It's kind of a procedure to quarantine livestock before entering.

Mr. Fielding.

Sustain.

Police and custom people say that her documents were phony.

Don't get excited.

Look, it's enough of that dirty talk.

Mac, try to find out where they got her in custody and see if she can be

transferred here, huh? Right.

Bo, take Yaka off to my office and... Shoot him with a tranquilizer gun?

If you have to.

Right.

Ah, there you are.

Well, we were getting worried, weren't we, pumpkins?

Why don't you give Pumpkins a widow kiss on his widow nose?

His nose?

Do you know how dogs greet each other?

We don't want to make Pumpkins cross, do we?

Is it good for you?

Come along, it's time to go.

And by the way, there has been a change in plans.

We're not going to the opera?

No. Good. So, where's it to be? A tavern on the green? Put on the old feed bag?

Dan, I want to sleep with you.

Couldn't we just get married?

You are so whimsical sometimes.

Yes, I am.

Come along.

Rebecca.

I can't do this.

You know, I believe I read in your services brochure that tipping is

I'll be waiting.

In the roll.

Sir? I found Sonia at Queen's Tower.

They're transferring her here. Good work, man.

Damn! Just a second. Almost done.

Kind of soothing, isn't it?

I never thought it would come to this. I mean, I am just an escort.

This is a legitimate arrangement.

Who does she think I am?

What are you talking about, Dan?

Rebecca wants me to have sex with her for money.

Hope you aren't getting paid by the hour.

You're not actually going to go through with this, are you, Dan? Oh, no, no, no.

I'm just going to declare bankruptcy.

Let the creditors come take everything I own.

Dan, you would be prostituting yourself.

What's your point?

So then you are going to go through with it?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

Right this way, folks.

What do you think? Well, it's lovely.

Look, here's ten bucks. You call me in five minutes and tell me there's an

emergency.

Take good care of pumpkins.

Yeah. Don't drop them and crush his little head or anything.

Oh, by the way, here's $50.

No phone call.

Yes, ma 'am.

My ten. Your mama.

Ten.

Oh, is that too hard? I will call and have another one sent up right away.

It's fine.

There are some very, very enriching things on cable, like tonight we have

like it wet, followed by on golden blonde.

Dan.

Let's steal some of the ashtrays.

Dan, I'm not going to bite.

Unless it's called for.

Yeah,

would you set up a syringe of your best sodium pentothal, please?

Yeah.

She's here.

Somebody is pulling my nogul.

Don't you wish.

What are they

saying? Something in Russian, sir.

She said that plastic surgeons rebuilt her face, but they didn't have pictures

that resembled her to go on.

I know they have scarred me.

I know they have mutilated me.

I know I'm an hideous monster.

Isn't this an episode of the Twilight Zone?

This is a KGB trick.

You're not Sonya. You are a spy.

Now, Yakov, now maybe, just maybe what she is saying is true.

Why don't you ask her a couple of questions?

Right.

Who pitched the third game in 1983 World Series and what was his ERA?

Calm down.

Ask her something that only Sonia would know.

Yakov!

What's that?

Well, there is something about Sonia that no one else knows. She has a

on her popka.

What's a popka?

Popka is a private, very private part of human's body.

Do I have one?

Yeah, very small one.

English dictionary, and I want it now. Right.

Harry Peoples, would you excuse us?

What, you mean you're going to take a look at her now?

But, Yakov, if it's not Sonia, you will be undressing a total stranger.

What's your point?

Be out in a minute.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow.

Dan, make me feel like a woman.

Okay, give me a beer. I'm going to watch the football game.

Dan, the time for jokes is over.

Come.

Come. Take me now. Rebecca.

This is wrong. This is terrible. I deserve to die.

Problem?

It's my husband.

Your husband?

I've never said anything about a husband.

He's dead.

Thank God.

Oh, God.

Will you look at the time?

This has been a fun evening, but I really gotta go.

We're making love.

Oh, I thought you meant you took a gun. I never realized until now just how much

I miss him.

It was the last time I had sex.

How long ago was this?

1973.

Good God, you haven't had sex since Nixon?

I probably thought about it, though, every one of those days.

Well, anyway, last week, I just couldn't take it anymore.

So, I decided that I would permit myself one

sleazy, meaningless encounter with a nondescript, morally bankrupt gigolo.

Hey!

Who are you calling nondescript?

The point is,

Okay. It really is. But why can't I? I don't understand.

Well, look, um... How long were you married?

35 wonderful years. 35 years? My God, I've barely been alive that long.

Thank you. I feel so much better.

that you hardly ever hear of anybody even staying together that long anymore.

Well, it's easy when you have a loving, caring,

compassionate man.

See, my husband made himself a

multimillionaire.

So, on our 25th anniversary, he gave me a silver ring.

Out of tinfoil from a gum wrapper.

He built it himself.

Took him three hours.

He even made the company board of directors wait on a meeting till he got

done.

Well, when we got engaged, he couldn't give me a ring.

But he gave me one that he made, just like this one, out of gum wrappers.

And the card said, someday I'll give you a real one.

And the card on this one said,

it worked the last time.

I'm not going to take any chances with silver.

Sounds like you two had what the rest of us were looking for.

I'm envious.

You know, when you let your vulnerable side show, you have definite sex appeal.

You're just saying that. Why would I say it if it weren't true?

Because I'm paying you.

Not anymore.

You're not.

Let's go have some dinner.

On me.

That sounds wonderful.

Oh, uh, Dan.

Ah, relieved that you don't have to go through with this.

The truth?

Yes.

And no.

I must admit I'm a little bit intrigued.

Dan, I'm old enough to be your mother.

All right, I'm a lot intrigued.

I've killed before.

Right.

there two hours now.

How long can it take to check a bird's mark?

Well, at least the moaning has stopped.

Cigarettes?

There are some in my top left drawer, but they're chocolate.

I'll make them burn.

Yakov, is that Sonia?

Wow, you must feel really excited.

religion here?

Pray for me like gangbusters.

Oh, that gore. What a pill.

Good evening, colleagues.

How was your evening, folks?

Fabulous. Dan is absolutely the most precious gentleman I've met in a long

And you're all very lucky to be working with him.

for French food.

Sounds magnifique.

I'll make the reservation.

Okay. Oh, I'm afraid all the restaurants are closed.

On the Concorde.

We should be there for cocktails in Paris.

See ya.

So what the hell happened at the hotel?

What happened between Rebecca and myself?

is private.

You should be ashamed for thinking of it, much less asking about it.